Merle haggard holding things together lyrics

16Nb and 15M, someone help me because I'm really confused

2023.05.30 23:45 tierd_and_young 16Nb and 15M, someone help me because I'm really confused

I (16nb) have for the last few months developed feelings for my friend (15M) who I'll call AL, me and Al have been friends for around 2 years but only in the last 7 months really have we become close after finding out he lives just up the road from me so we started walking home together, then back in November I started dating this guy and then I month later I set Al up with a close friend of mine as back then I didn't have feelings for him however around end of January start of February my feelings for him started to evolve but I ignored it as the relationship I was in just felt perfect, or at least from the outside but something just felt off, then on March 31st I broke up with my BF because I knew I didn't love him in the way I feel for AL, but Als relationship continued on, and I truly want to tell him how I feel or make a move on him because although he's in a relationship to me and a few others it just seems false and toxic and that they r still together because they feel like they have too, then recently this past few days before me typing this, me, Al and two other mates went camping together and in the first night in the tent we ended up lightly "cuddling" for warms under one cover, but really it wasn't that close, however on the second night me and him decided to sleep in the porch of the tent together as the night before our other mates where snoring like mad, but back to us, as u might of guessed because its the UK, the night was cold, so he suggested that we spoon for warmth, but not a moment's later we weren't just lying near eachother with maybe an arm over or not, we where very "close" and I had my arm wrapped around his chest and he was holding onto to it and I asked if I could stroke his hair he was more than happy to let me, then in the night he would constantly move around but then around midnight-ish I felt something, he was (while completely asleep) thrusting his 🍑 into my "privets" completely unaware, and when I spoke to him about what he was doing last night in the morning he had no memory of it as he was completely asleep, and yes I may be thinking to much into this, however me and him have sought of had a "flirty thing" where I would flirt with him and who would say a rude comment or something but in a jockey way but every now and then he would directly flirt back and yesterday me and my other two mates on the camping trip where making a joke a slapping als 🍑 and for some reason I went through with it but it just left him completely unphased and just didn't care yet had a massive smile afterwards, just like the rest of us but something to me just seemed different about his although we where all laughing greatly, So I suppose what I'm asking is do u tell him or not and do u think there's a chance he might like me back although he has a boyfriend?
submitted by tierd_and_young to teenrelationships [link] [comments]


2023.05.30 23:44 1DaughterOfDathomir Am I Overreacting for not wanting to tell JNMIL about my pregnancy?

Long time lurker, first time poster in this Sub. My Fiancé (27 M) and I (27 F) have been together 7.5 years (engaged for 6 months) and I am currently 16 weeks pregnant with my first, a boy, due in November. From our “celebratory times” post engagement my family jokingly says.
I could write a novel on all the B.S we’ve gone through with JN but I’ll try* to keep this short for the sake of this post, but this is years of crap and abuse so I apologize in advance if this gets long and out of sorts. Maybe some day I can post specific examples/stories of all the shit she’s done.
She was wonderful for about the first year or so, then when she saw I was someone serious she changed her tune about me. She’s a typical Narc who see’s me as stealing her “perfect Angel boy”, whom she treated as her surrogate husband post divorce (divorced when Fiancé was 8 as a result of her cheating amongst other things). She’s a serial boundary stomper. I’m the one who is “behind” my fiancé manipulating every move he makes and every word he says, because she can’t fathom that her baby boy has a mind and will of his own to do what HE feels is right!
My fiancé is wonderful and has the shiniest spine, and has told her off many times and had even moved out of her house (immediately, I’m talking overnight here) and went NC for about 3 years when things reached an incredibly ugly point (around 2017/2018). Within the last few years he has tried going LC with her but it still results in issues and problems because she cannot control him, his life, relationship and is not the perpetual center of attention. However the last few months he felt she was changing, as she was reaching out to his sister (21 F who is also NC with her for a ton of despicable reasons on JNMIL part as well) which he felt was a positive sign. Mind you SIL has not felt comfortable with any of her “attempts” and does not want to have a relationship with her at this time for all the abuse she has put her through and rightly so! IMO most of her attempts were public grabs for attention, to be able to say “see I tried!” and not genuine acts from her heart. They’ve all been public displays like showing up to her college sports games uninvited, leaving oversized signs staked into her lawn, leaving gifts on her porch and notes on her car etc. None of her notes have held any sort of accountability/apology just the good ole “God doesn’t want us apart. Family is everything, Mommy loves you” VOMIT.
My fiancé does want to have a relationship with her but is still somewhat conflicted. He is trying to be the biggebetter person and give her a chance because he doesn’t want to live his life with regret towards this of any kind. Which I understand but I just can’t get past. I’m sure it’s easier for me to feel and hold onto as she’s not my mother, but the amount of abuse she has put my fiancé and SIL through and even myself I cannot forget.
Now onto to my question/concern. I personally do not want her to know anything about my pregnancy, maybe even a little after the baby is born. My fiancé says it doesn’t really affect me that much because I don’t have to see her and talk to her (which I don’t thank GOD). However I don’t want her to think this is opening up gates for her to do so. I know she would just treat me like an incubator and try to “butter me up” and act fake nice in order to try and worm her way close to my child. I’m afraid we’ll go the rest of my pregnancy with her attempts and hearing about how much she’s “changed” just to have big problems erupt when baby is born because she’s not going to be allowed in the hospital or to see him right away (which I’m not even sure if I want my own family there during or immediately after). We could try and set boundaries all we want to but I know for certain she doesn’t believe they apply to her and she’s entitled to do/say whatever she feels. She would always state that she’s the “queen” because she’s his (fiancé’s) mother and deserves special treatment and when I’ve asked about my own mom and the special treatment she deserves she tells me it’s not the same and she doesn’t matter… OKAY. This woman has stated to my fiancé and I quote “I’M top dog and she’ll get to be top dog when I’m DEAD” referring to how she’s the top person in Fiancé’s life and I can have that spot over her cold, dead body. Like what the actual F? So reasoning with her on boundaries is not exactly easy or in the question.
Personally I don’t want to let her in on my pregnancy or anytime close after. For my own peace of mind and sanity. Fiancé is afraid she will find out through mutuals that we’re expecting and doesn’t want her to blow up about it, or be mad because she didn’t get told sooner. I’m on the side of I DON’T CARE how she finds out, I want to have a stress free pregnancy and PP away from her. I’m afraid if he lets her in now she will gain all these delusional expectations about our relationship and her relationship to LO. So I’d rather deal with her finding out on her own or her finding out after and still being angry. Not having to jump hurdles of her crap while still pregnant.
I’d like to add that this isn’t something fiancé and I argue about just is something we discuss our concerns over. I know if I really put my foot down and said No he would respect me and my wishes and follow along. I guess I just feel maybe as thought I’m in the wrong or just being petty and unable to to let the past go. So AITA here?
(Sorry this rambled on for so long, thank you to anyone who stuck around to the end!)
submitted by 1DaughterOfDathomir to JUSTNOMIL [link] [comments]


2023.05.30 23:41 throwawayanonymou5 My dad blames me for my mom's death.

My mom died on the day of my 15th birthday party. It was going to be the first time I was thrown a birthday party. I was super excited, we planned it for weeks. The party had already started and I was freaking out because my mom's friend who was supposed to bring my cake with as she was the one baking it was running extremely late. It was custom made and I had excitedly told everyone about it.
My mom couldn't reach her on the phone and my dad said to just get on with it, no one would notice that the cake wasn't there yet. I wanted everything to be perfect so I was very upset about this. My mom asked me if it would make me feel better if she quickly drove to her place to see what the hold up was.
I eagerly agreed and she promised that she would be back in no time. She never made it back home. She was involved in an accident. She lost control of the car and crashed into a tree.We have never celebrated my birthday since then, it's like any other day.
I was okay with that because it brought back painful memories. My dad also changed a lot, it's like I never do anything right in his eyes anymore. Sometimes I just breathe too loud. I always try my best to be understanding of how difficult things have been for him so I don't complain.
Yesterday I turned 19 and for the first time ever, I really wanted to celebrate it. I baked a chocolate cake and cooked my favourite meal. I then waited for my dad to come home so we could enjoy together but when he saw the table set up, he got very upset. He said a lot of hurtful things to me.
I found out that he thinks it's my fault that my mom died and he doesn't think that he will ever be able to forgive me or at least not anytime soon. The cake ended up on the floor. My dad doesn't understand that I spend everyday wishing that I could change what happened. I miss my mom too and I feel like I'm not even allowed to.
submitted by throwawayanonymou5 to confessions [link] [comments]


2023.05.30 23:34 jhk84 First time playing. Going in blind. Just beat the 4th Palace here is wave 4 of my way off predictions.

Hope everyone had a great holiday weekend!
I actually wrote up a post right after the 4th palace. Then I played a bit and they dropped so much more info that I had to toss it. Tomorrow is the trip to Hawaii so I thought this was a good point to stop and make another round of predictions.
The 4th palace is my favorite so far. There was so much symbolism to look into and I really liked the whole cursed gem bit. The end boss was a little annoying.
Things are really picking up pace. I had so many questions that were answered like 20 min later. They're really starting reveal some important details.
This is what I have as of now. In addition to my way off predictions there are also a few bits of info I'm that I'm not sure how they fit yet and some general impressions. I tried to keep it short (I failed).
Please no spoilers for any of the Persona games. This is my first and I plan on picking up 3/4.
After Palace 1 predictions : https://www.reddit.com/Persona5/comments/13odesi/first_time_playing_going_in_blind_my_horribly/
After Palace 2 prediction : https://www.reddit.com/Persona5/comments/13q3q9j/first_time_playing_going_in_blind_just_beat_the/
After Palace 3 predictions: https://www.reddit.com/Persona5/comments/13sl0vp/first_time_playing_going_in_blind_just_beat_the/

Futaba/Alibaba and somehow Morgana
---tinfoil hat time---
Kasumi
Maruki
Akechi
Twins / Butterfly Lady
Igor
Sojiro
Sae's Boss / Shido

Limo Girl.
Opening Casino Heist
Mashima

Best Girl current rankings - Nothing is set yet no decisions have been made just the current rankings.
Best Bro current rankings.
Best Kitty current rankings.
submitted by jhk84 to Persona5 [link] [comments]


2023.05.30 23:32 SwiggleMcDiggle Closed Court - Albert Harebrayne

The Return of the Great Departed Soul is my favorite case in Ace Attorney. In my mind, it is perfectly constructed. There are few, if any, stray marks in its composition. While the series (especially TGAAC) often has a problem with pacing, it is trim throughout its long duration. Its characters are consistently engaging, the developments in its mystery are unique, and it is laced with a legitimately intriguing subtext throughout. It's truly a cut above the rest.

SCIENCE!!!!!

For a series so focused on truth as Ace Attorney, it's surprising to me that the series took so long to take a magnifying glass to science. Ema is obviously interested in science, but it's never really the focus of anything outside of investigation minigames. 5-4/5-5 take place in a scientific institution, but it's not really used as anything besides set dressing (Dual Destinies has a problem with doing this). But G2-3? It is all about science. Science and magic, that is.
Science is the set of all truths and the method of discovering those truths. Because of that, it has a connotation given to it by society as beyond any one person. Science is absolute. It's unquestionable. But that's not how good science is or should be done. Just like the law, science is about the change of ideas and the methods behind their discovery as much as it is the knowledge itself.
Albert Harebrayne is our scientist of note.

Wow there's a Character

Harebrayne is introduced as a defendant in G2-3. The TGAAC duology has a really strong run of defendants, and Harebrayne at this point seems to be just another member of that strong lineup: he's excellently animated, brilliantly expressive, and has a unique, punchy theme. His experiment is not left as technobabble or a joke throwaway gag. In fact, it's the first thing we see in the case: Albert Harebrayne has discovered instant transmission.
He's a unique contender amongst the TGAAC defendants, being one of the archetypes Ace Attorney has a mixed track record on: he's an uncooperative defendant. He fully believes he's responsible for the death of Odie Asman, and maintaining the status of his experiment is much more important to him than getting a not guilty verdict. It's honestly hilarious how he maintains the "now listen, I obviously didn't murder Asman, buuuuuuut" attitude throughout the trial. And the moment he objects to Ryunosuke is a lot more substantive and interesting than what other uncooperative defendants do.
Uncooperative defendants are tricky. They're either great (Lana Skye) or awful (Machi, Wocky). Harebrayne is firmly in the former category. His toils for his discovery have already consumed his life. What harm is further sacrifice? I appreciate that he isn't even rude or mean to Ryunosuke, who he sees as a welcome help. It makes his outburst in court stand out even more.
Harebrayne is the pillar that holds the entire first day of the case together, with his thematic counterpart taking over for the second day. Instead of showing the killer or the victim or another incident at the beginning of the case as a teaser, Harebrayne is front and center. His role in the crime itself is unique: the machine, his miracle, is both the scene of the crime and ostensibly part of the murder plot itself. He takes an important role in the investigation (as many defendants do), but continues to stay relevant throughout the entire first day in trial. The arc of the first trial is an arc of convincing Harebrayne that there is sussery afoot.

A Rondo of Science and Magic

G2-3 is a case that deals with a lot, but the main focus is the interplay between science, magic, and the public perception of them both. The case centers around two dramatic incidents:
The core reversal at the heart of the case is that the former grounded, "scientific" incident is a complete hoax, whereas the latter, illusory "magical" incident is a real event. In order to come to the truth, sometimes we must face and confront the wildest possibilities, and challenge the foundations of what we know to be true. This conflict between perceived reality and illusion and how they may masquerade as each other is the core of G2-3, and it is represented in the two geniuses that make up the backbone of the case. One is an illusionist, and I can only hope I'll have the honor to discuss him later.
The other? Well, he's our scientist.

The Punchline

Albert Harebrayne did not discover instant transmission- he just thought he did. A potential reading is that he was a quack doctor, and an obstacle to the investigation. After all, his insistence that his device worked stifled the investigation, and gummed up the murder case.
I wouldn't say the same.
After his theory is demonstrated to be false, he specifically allows full investigation to happen to gain insight as to what could've possibly happened during the experiment. This investigation, in a roundabout way, leads to the mystery of the Professor's revival coming to light. It may not be necessarily the closest thing to his end goal, but he did help the truth come to light.
And who's to say that's so wrong? In 1934, Enrico Fermi set out to discover a new element. He bombarded thorium and uranium with neutrons in order to produce new elements of the periodic table. What he made was unrecognizable- and he was awarded a nobel prize. However, upon later investigation, it turns out that what he made wasn't a new element, but was in fact a mix of elements. much lighter than uranium and thorium. He had discovered nuclear fission.
And just as Fermi unwittingly discovered nuclear fission, Harebrayne unwittingly allowed for the truth of the Professor to begin to come to light. Both discoveries were only able to happen because Harebrayne and Fermi were such stern adherents to good scientific principles, and let go of their pride when their hypotheses were called into question. In the end, Harebrayne revealed a brilliant truth: just not the one he expected.
Ace Attorney has always been a strong adherent to the idea that the truth can never be revealed by one person alone. The whole philosophy of having both a prosecutor and a defense attorney in the courtroom is that through the clash between these titans, the truth will inevitably be revealed. The same is true in science: it takes both postulation and contention to obtain a credible solution.
Hopefully, in this rankdown, as our wills clash and collide, we will be able to obtain as wondrous of a result.
submitted by SwiggleMcDiggle to TGAACrankdown [link] [comments]


2023.05.30 23:28 kasutori_Jack 2023 r/basbeall Power Rankings -- Week 9 : Tuesday Ranks Bring Rangers Threatening Top Spot, Mariners and San Francisco Ride Giant Seas, Cardinals Lose Altitude, If Rooting for Reds Voter They Get +1

Hey Sportsfans — it's time for Week 9 of baseball Power Rankings: It may be Tuesday, but still thought about how much we dislike your favorite team 8 Days a Week. Also pool side blackjack is now my favorite part of Las Vegas. John Fisher, please ignore.
Every voter has their own style / system and the only voting instructions are these:
"To an extent determined individually, you must take into account how strong a team is right now and likely to be going forward. You must, to some degree, give weight to the events and games of the previous week."
TRANSPARENCY: This link will show you who voted each team where and has added neat statistics!
New Voter Chance: Are you a fan of the Dodgers? Why? We have a new voter oppening. Please check this comment for details.
If something is a little messed up, feel free to pester me let me know.
Total Votes: 28 of 29. So close.
# Team Δ Comment Record
1 Rays 0 Everyone's favorite myliobatiformes played another good week of baseball with the return of Tyler Glasnow. The Rays took an exciting series against the Dodgers after recharging during a weird mid-series rest day against the Blue Jays. Wander Franco is making his case to be starting SS in the All-Star Game, just make sure you don't accidentally vote for one of his brothers. It's still super weird to watch the offense carry while the bullpen struggles, but with guys coming back it should be f--, wait, Fairbanks is hurt again. 39-17
2 Rangers +1 Series wins against both the Pirates and Orioles the last week has the club holding the 3rd best overall record in the majors. Go Stars. We're still having fun. 34-19
3 Braves -1 3-4 last week and we started this week off with a loss against the Oakland "Triple A's" which is not good Bob. On the VERY brightside, we saw Soroka pitch from an MLB mound for the first time in almost 3 years. He pitched well and we need him to perform as we are absolutely depleted by injuries. Riley is starting to come to life. We hold a 4 game lead on the scond place MARLINS. Our division doesn't want to take advantage of our recent struggles, that's fine by me. 32-22
4 Dodgers +1 33-22
5 Orioles -1 A few weeks ago, I said if the Orioles can go at least .500 in May then they are for real. They wrapped up a winning month yesterday and have three games to go. They continue to play well, even though they lost the series against the Rangers, and seem to play better away from Camden Yards. They did, however, send Grayson Rodriguez down this week to AAA. He just has some stuff to figure out. He was getting crushed in his past few starts, and it was the right move to make. This solidifies the fact they need a frontline starter if they are going to make a serious push to get to and make noise in the post-season. 34-20
6 Astros 0 Jose Abreu finally hit a home run. All is right with the world. Unless the world's name is Lance McCullers Jr., who had another discomforting setback and we have no idea when we will see him this year. I still blame his hair. Anyway, our other Jose hit a grand slam at MMP this weekend. Where have we heard that before? 31-22
7 Yankees 0 It certainly would’ve been nice to take 2/3 from Baltimore, but it’s very hard to be mad at the Yankees’ month of May. Since May 1, the Yankees are 18-9, a huge turnaround from a .500 April. As we enter the dog days of summer, the top of the AL East is tightening up, but the Yankees don’t face either of the teams ahead of them again until July. The Yankees have to keep playing at this pace, and a Stanton (and maybe Rodon??) return could seriously help that. 33-23
8 D-Backs +1 The Diamondbacks had a decent week, barely missing out on a sweep of the Phillies before dropping a series to the Red Sox. The offense gets on base but has been allergic to driving in RISP, and the starting rotation continues to be a merry-go-round, as none of the rookie pitchers on the team seem to be able to string together several good starts in a row without getting blown up once or twice. 31-23
9 Blue Jays +1 The Jays' first series win since May 14th pulled us out of a bad-vibes tailspin the likes of which this fanbase hasn't seen since, well, the last time everybody freaked out over a losing streak. The usual suspects' continued confounding slow starts (Manoah, Kirk, Varsho, etc) have dropped us 10 games back from TB, last place in the best division in baseball. And YET, hope springs. Berrios (3 or fewer ER in 8 of his last 9 starts) finally appears to be pitching to the level expected of him when he was signed, and is pumping out quality starts along with Gausman and Bassitt. Kikuchi has slipped as Kikuchi does but has been very solid for a #5. We don't have the depth to send Manoah down for some needed alone time, but he's pushing it. Vladdy has been scuffling, Springer is heating up, and Bichette is an MVP candidate. With a little bit of lucky regression to the mean with abysmal RISP numbers, this team is just a few turns away from being very good. As long as we don't have to play too many games vs AL East teams. That should be fine. 28-26
10 Twins -2 28-26
11 Mariners +4 Just what the doctor ordered - 6-1 in the homestand so far. Some momentum is just what this team needs before two big series with teams they're chasing for playoff spots. If the M's can handle business over the next week, they'll be right back in the thick of it. Bryce Miller, do your thing. Up next: 3 vs. Damn Yankees, 3 @ Globe Life ParkFieldStadiumGardensArenaDomewhatever they're calling it these days 28-26
12 Red Sox -1 Scoring four runs total while getting swept by the Angels isn't a great look. This team is in many ways aggresively mediocre, always making sure that every win streak is followed up by an equally painful gut-punch. This is mainly due to the reliance on the offense to carry us to victory (2-17 when scoring <=3 runs), when the bats get cold, you're safe to turn off the game. Whitlock returning from injury and Bello/Sale both stepping up their game in May (2.74/2.42 ERA respectively) are good steps towards this team becoming Actually Good™ though. We'll see what June brings us... 28-25
13 Brewers -1 Taking two of three from the Astros was nice. Barely avoiding a sweep from the Giants was not so sweet. Milwaukee has some issues with hitting in "close" situations. The Brewers either lose after having multiple opportunities to tie it up, or get absolutely blown out. 28-25
14 Angels 0 Did I travel out of state and all the way to Anaheim just to watch the team get swept by the Marlins? Perhaps. Was that objectively worse than what the Reds voter is going through? It's impossible to say. 29-26
15 Mets -2 The Mets, who I proclaimed to be "good at baseball" last week, ended up dropping 2 of 3 against the Cubs and doing the same against the Rockies. I just don't know what to believe anymore. The only thing I know for sure is that Francisco Alvarez has got that fucking dawg in him, he's GOATed, he's him, he's on fleek, he's poggers, he's a proper legend, he's got an .885 OPS, he's a top bloke, he's got swag, he's fresh, he's Gen Z Mike Piazza, he's lit, he's making me feel old because he was born after 9/11, he's Francisco Alvarez. 27-27
16 Gigantes +4 The Giants won yesterday, but strictly talking about last week, they went 5- 2 on an extremely acceptable road trip without any off days. Defeating two competent teams like the Twins and Brewers should feel good. On both losses, they gave up 7 runs, on every win they gave up 3, 1, or 0 runs. So, they threw two games out of 7 – that’s allowed. In the bad news department, Joc, Joey, and Thairo all not expected back until June 6th. I think we’re okay with more Bailey Patrick and this also means another look at unpredictable slugger David Villar. Slater continues covering for Joc. Let’s look a the numbers: 13th in MLB in Run Diff (+6 spots), 12th in RS / G (+6), 15th in RA / G (+2), 23rd in Bullpen ERA (+5). All of that is good and especially the bullpen is promising recently. The Giants continue at home vs the Pirates and wrap the homestand with 3 against our orange and black brothers in Baltimore. 28-26
17 Pirates -1 Would I have been happy to learn on Opening Day that the Pirates would be around .500 at the end of May? Yes. But if you told me they got there after starting 20-8 I would be pretty disappointed. Here's hoping the pendulum swings the other way in June. 26-27
18 Marlins +3 Yet another appearance of sweepy, the meme that was promised. After a rough series against the rox, we sweep the angels to settle into the third NL wild card spot. Our starting pitching is coming along after a bumpy start to several of our starters. Eury perez is gonna be a stud, just wanna remind yall. Also, shout out to Jorge Soler, who has been crushing baseballs the last week and change. In other miami sports related news, boston is the first city ever to lose two game 7s at home in both the NHL and NBA playoffs in the same year. Go Heat and go Panthers! 28-26
19 Phillies -2 After losing 2 to the Diamondbacks and going down 5-0 in the 3rd game, the Phillies season looked as bleak as it could in late May while only being 4 games under .500. However, the team rallied and Trea Turner tied it in the 9th before going onto win it in 10. Then, they went down to Atlanta and split a 4 game series. It could've gone far worse. The Phillies most pressing need is now seemingly a 5th starter who isn't a guaranteed loss, as this week they trotted out Dylan Covey, who hadn't started a game since 2019. He got 2 outs and gave up 7 runs. He took the spot of Bailey Falter who, after a surprisingly productive 2022, started the season 0-7. Falter is the far better option, but Dave Dombrowski will likely be looking to upgrade until Andrew Painter can finally return. This week, the NL East road trip continues with their first 3 games against the Mets and 3 in Washington. Here's hoping June Schwarber shows up again this year. 25-28
20 Padres -1 My Dad tells me it’s ok that the Dad’s lost 2 / 3 to NY; the Dodgers lost 2 / 3 to the Rays! The Pads aren’t in the same stratosphere as the Dodgers right now, though. 5 games under .500, 10th in the NL standings, 3 games out of the last wildcard slot. Of course there’s quite a bit of time to change it, there’s plenty of time to go on a run, or a slow and steady good month to gain ground. With every day that passes however, that goal becomes a bit harder to reach; I don’t think Pads fans were hoping for a wildcard spot by the end of this season, but that’s the position the team has to get to before even thinking of catching LA. The Padres are 4th in the NL West, and only a half game out of last. 24-29
21 Cardinals -3 2-2 @ CIN; 1-2 @ CLE; 0-1 v KCR; another struggle week for the Cards. The fandom's been a bit kneejerk because of two good weeks before this. Their mistake. I'll say it a third time, the Cards playing at or beyond their expected level doesn't change the rotten FO. Yeah Marmol's pretty close to being fired, that's not a fix when the problem is John Mozeliak. 24-32
22 Tigers +2 The most fun part of this past week has been watching the resurgence of Akil Baddoo. His energy is infectious and adds an exciting dimension to the lineup. As we head into the last few days of May, Baddoo has sported a .302/.405/.508 slash and a 155 wRC+ this month. Although he's still been hitting mostly in the 6 hole, if this keeps up he might find himself much higher in the order real soon. This week: 2 more vs. TEX and 3 at CWS. 25-27
23 Guardians 0 The Guardians won a series this week. I would like to see them win some games by more than one run, but it's clear this season, we have to take what we get. 24-29
24 Cubs -2 Another terrible week for the Cubs, as a promising series win against the Mets was followed up by an embarrassing sweep against the Reds. The starting rotation was terrible, and the bullpen was somehow worse. Fans have had enough of David Ross, and Jed Hoyer is starting to come under pressure. Barring a dramatic turnaround, the Cubs will be sellers for the 3rd trade deadline in a row 23-30
25 Reds +1 Okay guys, I’m here to be calm this week. I have been told by my wife’s attorney, Tom, that they are “aware” of my online activity regarding our impending divorce, so today let’s have a nice, calm, relaxing, perfectly fine, good old fashioned talk about Reds baseball. The Reds are just sorta middling. They’re not great but they’re not horrible. Unlike my marriage. Our starting pitching has resgressed, just like my marriage, and it’s very unfortunate to see, because our bullpen has been quite reliable unlike my wife. We still can’t hit home runs for some reason, but overall unlike my marriage the Reds on the upturn. There, are you happy Tom? I didn’t mention all the crap that’s been going on lately. I didn’t mention how I had to leave the Motel 6 I was at because I found a used needle in the bathroom, and by the way Tom, I know that you’re trying to use that as evidence that I can’t take care of my kids. I don’t even know who’s needle it was, it was like wedged behind the toilet. Believe me, I only found it because I dropped my phone while using the toilet. It wasn’t even visible, I had to like get on my hands and knees and crawl behind the toilet to grab my phone. So it puts the image in my head of some heroin addict or whatever sitting behind a toilet at a Motel 6 trying to get high, which honestly that just seems like an even worse situation than the one i’m in. Do I think it’s a coincidence that the day after I left the Motel 6 because of this, you’re requesting a drug test from me before I can see my kids? Huh Tom? How did you know about this incident Tom? The only people that know are the Motel 6 staff I notified, I don’t think any police showed up, so either you questioned them like i’m some criminal, or you’re following me. I know you’re reading this Tom, you’ve made several references to my posts on the baseball power rankings insinuating it’s me writing them, and yeah Tom you’re right it is me, can everybody in the comments give praise to Tom for being a regular Sherlock Holmes? Yeah everybody come on, Congratulations Tom! You’re the man! I’m gonna let you go home and fuck my sister, oh wait Tom I forgot, YOU ALREADY ARE. When you get home tonight tell Caitlin her brother says hi. Alright, I think I got that out of my system. Anyway, I think once more of our prospects are called up, probably around June or July, we may get hot and finish more closely to .500 than initially thought, and if this division stays like it is, and those prospects can deliver on their promise, it's entirely possible we could be in contention for the division. But a lot of this is gonna depend on if our Starting Rotation can get things back under control. Also we swept the Cubs so lol. 24-29
26 Nationals -1 Week after week, I expect this Nats team to take a nose dive. I expect them to crumble and slip into a double-digit losing streak but it just isn't happening. They lead the NL in batting average (.267), are third in OBP (.330) and have the lowest strikeout rate in MLB. They still have their own troubles, but this team is alive (4 games out of a WC spot) 23-31
27 Rockies +1 I don't have time to write a real blurb this week so you don't have to print this. Actually, you probably don't read these, I'm not sure anyone really reads them anyways besides the Reds guy's life breaking down, and this will probably get printed regardless. 24-31
28 White Sox -1 Liam is back. I can't overstate how great that is to hear. He is one of the best people in the game and it's nothing short of amazing for him to be pitching in May. If you missed it, it was recently revealed that he had stage 4 lymphoma, not an early stage. He started treatment just over 3 months ago! Nothing on the field matters for this team, but at least there's that silver lining. 22-34
29 Royals 0 As of the time that this blurb is being written (Monday at 11:39 AM), only two teams in the majors have a record below .400. Yup, the Royals are there with the A's. I suppose the positive is that the team figured out that they can get rid of useless players in Hunter Dozier, but they still have a lot more work to do. 17-38
30 Atléticos 0 The A's have given up 10+ runs in a game 7 more times than they've won. It's a mix of bad roster building (the bullpen), under-preforming vets (Ramon Laureano 74 wRC+, Tony Kemp 38 wRC+), injuries (Seth Brown and Paul Blackburn are just now returning), and no fans in the stands since 2019. It's soul crushing to watch and the national media's constant condecention toward this particular poor team and it is even more annoying this year. 11-45
submitted by kasutori_Jack to baseball [link] [comments]


2023.05.30 23:23 Witchescoldasstata Life does not get better RANT. Am I alone?

❤️ If you read this, thank you ❤️
Well. Life still sucks. And today is so much worse. (24f)
I'm really tired of mulling over the fact that I feel so God awful in my head regardless of how good my external circumstances are. I feel worse mentally now than I did when I was actively being abused. No one has been able to explain why, and I hold a lot of resentment because of it. You go through some shit, and everyone around you says "things will get better, stay strong". Well guess what people, my circumstances did get better, and I'm just as suicidal if not more, so where does that leave me huh? I am so angry at the world, at myself. Even as I write this I don't know what to say because it's one of those days where EVERYTHING has come up and as a result I've been crying for hours. When I do get a break from crying I just dissociate because there's nothing I can do to move through this feeling.
You know what's sad, is that a lot of my mornings, I wake up bombarded with suicidal and extremely depressive thoughts before I even get to open my eyes. Every minute of the day, from the second I wake up to the second I fall asleep, all I can think about is how deeply I do not want to be here. Even that is tricky though, because I would really like to live, I really really want to enjoy life and explore and grow and experience, but I can't. I feel like I have been doing everything I can to improve my life and myself, and I don't get anywhere.
Everytime I say I'm a failure I'm met with people reminding me that I have created a good relationship and despite my upbringing I've lived on my own and went to college. To that I say that's fucking stupid, and I'm tired of hearing it. My only achievement in life has been surviving. I have a good relationship now because I nearly didn't survive my last one. I live on my own because I barely survived with my family. I went to college because I barely survived highschool and have been made to believe college is the only option for a good life. My ONLY achievements have been survival, and that fact does not make me feel any better whatsoever. My previous therapist would always remind me "you just came out of a war".... Of CIRCUMSTANCES. I AM STILL IN THE WAR, EXCEPT I DON'T HAVE A GOOD REASON TO BE NOW.
I am fucking exhausted all of the time, and every single day I try to do what I can to get better, and everyday I'm just further depressed by the fact that I feel too tired to do the work, and I don't have enough time, and having to choose doing one thing means another can't get done. Let me explain, in the morning I'll wake up and think of my to do list, all of which are immediately followed by guilt already. 1. I need to go to work (but extra stress because I've been working partime hours for 6 months when I need fulltime. I'm not working fulltime because I just can't, I've done everything I can to work more, and in 6 months I have not improved in the slightest. Every single job I've ever had in my life I've had to quit because my attendance was so bad. I know my spouse is disappointed and worried about my lack of working hours, as they have told me this is concerning for our future.) 2. I need to do house chores (spouse is working twice as much as I am and has still done more housework than me. If I can't work I should be able to keep up with housework, but I cant for the same reason I can't do anything else, and I don't know what that reason is.) 3. I need to do something towards building a career (because spouse told me if we ever want a future together I need to start thinking about a career, but I don't have any ambition or interest so I have to force myself to learn and hope that interest comes later. I've been waiting on passion since I was in middle school and it never came. I also dropped out of college and now I have 20k in debt that got me absolutely nowhere in life.) 4. I need to shower and brush my teeth and hair (but I often dread doing these things due to depression and frequently forget to do them because of adhd which leaves me feeling disgusting.) 5. I need to eat multiple times a day (ADHD means I have a lot of problems with food and add in depression I have no desire, energy or residual stress tolerance to prepare, cook, eat, and clean something that is nutritious) 6. I need to connect with my spouse whether it be hanging out or having sex (but this often falls last in my to do list because everything else has more immediate importance, and by the time I'm done everything else I have no extra time or energy, especially for sex. But not doing so dampens our relationship and affects them negatively too). Plus whatever fucking else pops up in the day that I need to deal with.
What I've just written out is why I feel like I'm doomed. I don't have the time or energy to do it all. And I know I don't need to do it all at once, but all of those things listed are necessities, with the exception of career planning. I can't skip work, I can't skip hygiene, I can't skip eating, and if I do they have severe consequences. I can skip time with spouse, but that has consequences that don't just affect me. And I could skip career stuff but that just puts me right back where I was before spouse mentioned my directionless life. Could I do it on and off? In theory yes, in actuality no. Why? Because I fall out of habit easily and can't remember anything. If I'm forcing myself to do something I need momentum, and that stops when you do.
Basically I'm just screwed regardless, so everyday I feel all This stress, and I get done maybe a third of what I'm supposed to because I'm too mentally exhausted from just being conscious, and by the end of the day I'm reminded of how much of a failure I am. Even when I feel good in a day, by the end of the week and self reflect and realise I actually didn't get anywhere, but I feel like I did the work. At the end of the month, year, decade, it's all the same. I survived because I had to, I changed some things in life because I absolutely had to. Now that Im not receiving abuse in all directions, I don't need to work to survive, I need to work to improve. I have worked to improve, but I have seen 0 results. That's not even an exaggeration, I've genuinely seen no improvement in years.
So when I wake up, and all of these things flood my mind, all I can think of after that is visual images of me killing myself. I walk into the kitchen and I look out the window and I see myself hanging. I go to the bathroom, look at the tub, and see myself drowning. I grab a Band-Aid, I see the pills, and in my head I'm laying on the floor foaming at the mouth. I grab the scissors, I see the knifes, and i imagine blood everywhere. Spouse may see me zoned out, but what I see is 7 different ways I could die in the next hour. I see myself writing notes and the receivers reading them. I see spouse coming home from work to find me dead, I see the medics and police retrieving my body. And then I remember regardless of how much I don't want to he here, leaving isn't an option because I hurt the people who love me. And that thought isn't comforting, it makes me feel trapped. So I sit and a fantasize about not being alive. I feel immense relief when I see myself hanging over the balcony, pedestrians calling 911, and the firemen coming to get me. I'm not in control anymore. I move my body, I choose what to say, but I am not me, the feelings the death the pain, it feels like I've been possessed, and the real me is screaming and begging to be in control again, but I'm not, my life is not my own. I'm not a person, I'm a walking depression poster.
Tldr - my life is great and yet Im more suicidal than ever. Life did get better, and I did not, and Ill end up dragging everything down with me. I feel like I'm putting in so much effort to improve, and i have absolutely nothing to show for it. I'm out of options, I just float now wishing I was dead.
Thank you for listening ❤️
submitted by Witchescoldasstata to depression [link] [comments]


2023.05.30 23:22 HumanWoodpecker2707 Stuck at 14, don't know how to handle the reality.

TW: discussions of suicidal ideation

Coping with the mounting stresses of adult hood is messing with my head more than I anticipated. I've always had a fear of getting older, some of my earliest memories are me realizing I won't be a kid forever and I'll have to one day be an adult and do the things my parents do. I was panicked for days after I realized this.

I tried to take the advice that adults were giving me, to enjoy being a child because it all goes by so fast. I quickly realized they were right. I enjoyed the care free days of my childhood to the best of my abilities, though always with the pervasive anxiety of adulthood looming over me. This wasn't the easiest though, as there were stressors in my childhood I had no control over.

For a while I really didn't mind birthdays all that much, I did get gifts and things at least. My parents usually made them fun too. Around the age of 14-15 or so my feelings around birthdays started to change. They just began to stress me out. It just became an annual reminder that I was getting older and there was nothing I could do about it. People wanted me to celebrate but I was having a harder and harder time seeing the joy in it. I couldn't wrap my head around why anyone would want to be an adult. This was confounding upon itself as I learned more about the world, and the abuse suffered by nearly every person for the sake of profits and personal gains. I saw more flaws and horrors than I thought were possible and I started to spiral farther into depression. Around this time I started to plan to kill myself after HS graduation, simply out of fear of being an adult. I ended up taking SSRI's for about 5 years.

My teenage years I mostly remember fondly. I was able to break out of my shell more and developed my social skills that were lacking at the time thanks to high school, but that's not to say it was entirely easy. But I had a nicer go at it than others. If I wasn't 6'2" by the time I was 11 I probably would have been picked on a lot due to my idiosyncrasies.

COVID started when I was 17, nearing the end of my junior year. The rest of that year and the entirety of my senior year were over zoom calls. In a lot of ways I feel cheated out of the last of the good years of my life. But there's no one I can blame, it's just circumstance.

Much to my surprise, I turned 20 a few months ago. I didn't remind any of my friends that it was my birthday and thankfully no one remembered. I spent most of the day crying. I told them a couple weeks after the fact.

Since I didn't really ever plan to be an adult I'm having a very difficult time getting myself together in really any fashion. I've had a multitude of jobs, mostly retail, since graduation. None of which I have been able to hold down for more than a month or two. I'll just break down and cry and leave without telling anybody and block my bosses numbers. Usually the last check gets to me one way or another at least.

My parents understand that I'm pretty fucked up, though not the full extent of it I don't think, I don't think I do either. Thankfully they still tolerate me and let me live here but I don't know how long.

But here I am, I cry almost everyday. I hold onto my childhood teddy bear, desperately clinging onto a feeling I can hardly remember and dreading a bleak future.

Sorry if this is just kind of a dump with no real conclusive end. But thank you for reading regardless.
submitted by HumanWoodpecker2707 to nevergrewup [link] [comments]


2023.05.30 23:20 Burner43255 Feel shitty for not working enough

My workplace is kind of in a weird position right now, so the schedule is basically "Come in when you want, leave when you want" until further notice. I genuinely just can't muster up the energy to go for more than four or five hours each day. After that the mental haze of constant obsession over memories and depressive self talk/suicidal ideation gets too overwhelming. Then I come home and hate myself for not working the extra two or three hours and start stressing about how I'll never have enough money to make it through college. Worst part is, I know I haven't even got it that bad. Other people have graduated debt free from college in worse circumstances than mine, other people have handled worse bouts of depression with more grace than I'm handling mine, other people can work three jobs and still hold their lives together. I'm probably only working like 20-25 hours a week at the moment and I still don't work out, I still have no friends, and I still can't do anything beyond "acceptable" in any other area of my life. I should be stronger than this. I was stronger than this, for most of my existence before now. My parents already resent me for not being more than I am, as they've made clear to me many times. Every day I become more and more convinced that I have no future. How could I have one, if this is the upper limit of my ability to work or push through hard things? Suicide constantly occupies my thoughts-- literally the only thing I have left to go on is the fact that a couple of my relatives rely on me for emotional support sometimes, and I feel like it would be my fault if my suicide drove them to kill themselves. I'm not sure I can handle the guilt of destroying people who are so much more worthwhile than I am because I allowed my welfare to take priority over theirs. But I can't do this for the rest of my life. I doubt I can even do this for two more years.
submitted by Burner43255 to depression [link] [comments]


2023.05.30 23:18 XFragmentedSoulX 27M, 23 F. I’m still in love with my high school crush and it’s been 9 years.

I’m still in love with my high school crush and it’s been 9 years, in 2014 to be precise. Here’s the story from the beginning:
We had a class together, but he was a senior and I was a freshman. The class was all about communication, so for the whole entire class, we’d do nothing but talk, like a break.
(All of my friends, including the ones I hung out with during lunch time, were seniors and I was caught up with what prom means and a couple of other things I couldn’t have known if I didn’t met them.)
Anyways, I fell hard for him, blushing, stuttering, rarely speaking to him in public because my heart would beat faster. I’d talk a lot about him and how much I like him with my friends… the twist is, it was crystal clear he liked me back, but I missed the social cues. When sitting next to each other, he’d snap his fingers under the table and close to me, to get my attention.
There were various times where he’d look at me and then look at my privates… wayyy too many times. When he made jokes, I’d catch him laughing and blushing out of embarrassment all while glancing at me to see if I wasn’t noticing. He had a group of friends and at one time, they all came and abruptly sat with me. I noticed he’d wink a lot while looking at me. They were really suspicious, one of them acting as an intermediary (the only one in the group I’d feel comfortable speaking with) to spark up a conversation so she could get the ball rolling and then I could eventually speak with him (my crush).
Within this conversation, he said to the intermediary friend “I feel weird. When I'm in this room, I feel like... I don't know.... Different than being outside with other people... Do you understand me, (intermediary friend’s name)?" Then he raised an eyebrow as if pointing at me.
^ that’s just a snippet of the whole scenario that I wrote down in my notes app back in 2014, so this isn’t something I just came up with right now. I also wrote down what I’d first send him along with different interpretations of that first message, one being something like: “No matter what happens… I will always like you” … I would’ve thought “silly me” but now that’s proving to be true. (That experience happened AFTER the below 👇)
(This happened BEFORE the above) Learning his name, I found him on Facebook and sent him a friend request. He accepted. I went on to message him expressing my feelings for him and he appreciated it. My dummy self tried to be the interviewer, asking him questions about what his favourite movie, song, color, is… we spoke for a while… until he graduated. Months went by, maybe a year went by, and I decided, at around 16, to delete my whole entire Facebook account out of embarrassment for the stuff I had posted on my feed… a year or 2 went by and I played truth or dare with my cousin at a sleepover. I expressed that I still had feelings for him and she dared me to send him a friend request again on my new Facebook account. I did, but he didn’t accept.
Fast forward, 6-7 years later, and my feelings for him remain, very well knowing his whole personality might’ve changed, but despite that, there’s something about him that I love so much. I’m aware of everything that could go on, from the possibility of him being a relationship already, to the possibility of him not accepting my friend request again to maybe perhaps having the luck of reconnecting. I did notice he removed any form of information that would find it easier to find him on facebook (like the “goes to…”, “attended…”, “in a relationship” “works at…” etc.)… so it’d be kinda sus, confusing as to how I was able to find him. His at-that-time intermediary has an Instagram account.
I don’t know what to do since there’s no one I’ve met who’s ever made me feel that extreme attraction. I don’t know if he’s single or taken. (My friend suggested to create a fake account with a fake name and pose as a male friend who hasn’t spoken to him in a long time and just so happen to stumble across his profile. That’s clever until he clicks on it and finds out it’s a brand new account.) I grew up and was a senior, in his shoes, and even then, no one made me feel the same. I mean… went all the way to me having a dream of him on a romantic cruise date in 2014…. and… doing it with him. My subconscious wanted that… what were the chances he wanted that too.
(There were MANY MANY social cues that I missed that hinted he liked me back and I never found out because I didn’t pay attention to them. There were various opportunities where I could’ve spoken to him more or even privately, such as being the last one to enter a room and him holding the door for me. I could’ve used that opportunity to pull him aside. My thinking, I believe at that time, was that the more I ignored him, the harder he’d fall for me, but I let that thought play out till I lost him…)
TLDR: I had a high school crush in 2014 who I added on Facebook. We had small conversations in person, but I was too shy, and he was nervous (not a good combo). There were obvious social cues that I missed like snapping his fingers under the table to get my attention, winking at me numerous times and looking at my private part. There were also times I could’ve pulled him aside, like when I was the last person to enter a room and he was the one holding the door. I expressed my feelings to him through message and he appreciated it. I thought the more I ignore him, the more he’ll fall in love with me until I lost him (he graduated). 2 years later, I deleted my Facebook out of embarrassment. I created another account and added him again as a dare from my cousin. He didn’t accept. I noticed he removed statuses like work, education, relationship etc., making it harder for anyone to find him, but I managed to find him. Since then, 7 years from the dare, I still have feelings for him, I mean it went all the way to having a romantic dream in 2014 and doing it. I don’t know what to do, if I should friend request him again or message his at-that-time intermediary or who else knows what to do?
submitted by XFragmentedSoulX to offmychest [link] [comments]


2023.05.30 23:12 XFragmentedSoulX 27M, 23 F. I’m still in love with my high school crush and it’s been 9 years.

I’m still in love with my high school crush and it’s been 9 years.
I’m still in love with my high school crush and it’s been 9 years, in 2014 to be precise. Here’s the story from the beginning:
We had a class together, but he was a senior and I was a freshman. The class was all about communication, so for the whole entire class, we’d do nothing but talk, like a break.
(All of my friends, including the ones I hung out with during lunch time, were seniors and I was caught up with what prom means and a couple of other things I couldn’t have known if I didn’t met them.)
Anyways, I fell hard for him, blushing, stuttering, rarely speaking to him in public because my heart would beat faster. I’d talk a lot about him and how much I like him with my friends… the twist is, it was crystal clear he liked me back, but I missed the social cues. When sitting next to each other, he’d snap his fingers under the table and close to me, to get my attention.
There were various times where he’d look at me and then look at my privates… wayyy too many times. When he made jokes, I’d catch him laughing and blushing out of embarrassment all while glancing at me to see if I wasn’t noticing. He had a group of friends and at one time, they all came and abruptly sat with me. I noticed he’d wink a lot while looking at me. They were really suspicious, one of them acting as an intermediary (the only one in the group I’d feel comfortable speaking with) to spark up a conversation so she could get the ball rolling and then I could eventually speak with him (my crush).
Within this conversation, he said to the intermediary friend “I feel weird. When I'm in this room, I feel like... I don't know.... Different than being outside with other people... Do you understand me, (intermediary friend’s name)?" Then he raised an eyebrow as if pointing at me.
^ that’s just a snippet of the whole scenario that I wrote down in my notes app back in 2014, so this isn’t something I just came up with right now. I also wrote down what I’d first send him along with different interpretations of that first message, one being something like: “No matter what happens… I will always like you” … I would’ve thought “silly me” but now that’s proving to be true. (That experience happened AFTER the below 👇)
(This happened BEFORE the above) Learning his name, I found him on Facebook and sent him a friend request. He accepted. I went on to message him expressing my feelings for him and he appreciated it. My dummy self tried to be the interviewer, asking him questions about what his favourite movie, song, color, is… we spoke for a while… until he graduated. Months went by, maybe a year went by, and I decided, at around 16, to delete my whole entire Facebook account out of embarrassment for the stuff I had posted on my feed… a year or 2 went by and I played truth or dare with my cousin at a sleepover. I expressed that I still had feelings for him and she dared me to send him a friend request again on my new Facebook account. I did, but he didn’t accept.
Fast forward, 6-7 years later, and my feelings for him remain, very well knowing his whole personality might’ve changed, but despite that, there’s something about him that I love so much. I’m aware of everything that could go on, from the possibility of him being a relationship already, to the possibility of him not accepting my friend request again to maybe perhaps having the luck of reconnecting. I did notice he removed any form of information that would find it easier to find him on facebook (like the “goes to…”, “attended…”, “in a relationship” “works at…” etc.)… so it’d be kinda sus, confusing as to how I was able to find him. His at-that-time intermediary has an Instagram account.
I don’t know what to do since there’s no one I’ve met who’s ever made me feel that extreme attraction. I don’t know if he’s single or taken. (My friend suggested to create a fake account with a fake name and pose as a male friend who hasn’t spoken to him in a long time and just so happen to stumble across his profile. That’s clever until he clicks on it and finds out it’s a brand new account.) I grew up and was a senior, in his shoes, and even then, no one made me feel the same. I mean… went all the way to me having a dream of him on a romantic cruise date in 2014…. and… doing it with him. My subconscious wanted that… what were the chances he wanted that too.
(There were MANY MANY social cues that I missed that hinted he liked me back and I never found out because I didn’t pay attention to them. There were various opportunities where I could’ve spoken to him more or even privately, such as being the last one to enter a room and him holding the door for me. I could’ve used that opportunity to pull him aside. My thinking, I believe at that time, was that the more I ignored him, the harder he’d fall for me, but I let that thought play out till I lost him…)
Ages: 23, and around 27 Female and male
TLDR: I had a high school crush in 2014 who I added on Facebook. We had small conversations in person, but I was too shy, and he was nervous (not a good combo). There were obvious social cues that I missed like snapping his fingers under the table to get my attention, winking at me numerous times and looking at my private part. There were also times I could’ve pulled him aside, like when I was the last person to enter a room and he was the one holding the door. I expressed my feelings to him through message and he appreciated it. I thought the more I ignore him, the more he’ll fall in love with me until I lost him (he graduated). 2 year later, I deleted my Facebook out of embarrassment. I created another account and added him again as a dare from my cousin. He didn’t accept. I noticed he removed statuses like work, education, relationship etc., making it harder for anyone to find him, but I managed to find him. Since then, 7 years from the dare, I still have feelings for him, I mean it went all the way to having a romantic dream in 2014 and doing it. I don’t know what to do, if I should friend request him again or message his at-that-time intermediary or who else knows what to do?
submitted by XFragmentedSoulX to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2023.05.30 23:04 ThrowRAspitefulmagic My (25M) girlfriend (27F) has issues with me having a female best friend (25F). In need of suggestions for how to move forward.

My girlfriend and I have been dating since the beginning of this year. She has a lot of insecurities, and as time goes on I see her slowly slipping out of those insecurities which makes me very happy. This is someone I fully intend on spending the rest of my life with. The one thing that hasn’t seemed to make any kind of improvement though is her feelings about my female best friend.
I’ve been friends with this person since I was 12. We have been in and out of friend groups together, seen each other go in and out of romantic relationships, and have stuck by each other’s side the entire time. We’ve never dated, never had any kind of romantic connection ever throughout all of these past 13 years. She’s someone I hold very close to my heart, but in very much the same way I would a family member. It’s worth noting that my best friend is also in a committed relationship and has been for over a year now. A bit of extra context, I live 45 minutes away from my best friend and I hang out with her and her boyfriend once every few weeks when we have free time. My girlfriend, on the other hand, lives on the other side of the country. I am east coast, she’s west. We have plans to meet in August, but have not yet met in person.
Back in March, I introduced the two for the first time. I was out with my best friend and called my girlfriend on the phone, and had the three of us talk over the phone for about five minutes. It seemed to go really well, and afterwards my best friend added her on instagram and the two of them began communicating there. They talked for a bit over the course of a week or so, and it ended with my girlfriend sending a wall of text about a bunch of stuff, mainly talking about tattoos as that is something they both enjoy a lot. My best friend heart-reacted the message but never actually responded. My girlfriend took that very negatively and now assumes that my best friend doesn’t want anything to do with her, since there has been no other direct message communication.
My best friend has struggled with her relationship with social media for a long time, and has told me many times how stressed out she can get with messages from people piling up on her. She also works 60-70 hour work weeks on top of juggling hobbies on the side like DJing, going to the gym, etc. It is very hard to get a hold of her sometimes, with me having to double and triple text her sometimes just to get an answer about something. I have to admit it is very annoying sometimes, but it’s just something I have to deal with and I can put my feelings aside knowing that she is busy, is a naturally forgetful person (gets dates and times wrong pretty often) and struggles with a lot of personal issues. I tried explaining all of this to my girlfriend after she brought up not getting a response from my best friend, and she got very upset at me for defending my best friend’s actions.
Since then, I’ve tried to not bring up my best friend to my girlfriend as often as I can, as I could tell there was some tension there. Though my girlfriend will ask about her from time to time, and I always answer openly and honestly as there is nothing to hide. My girlfriend always ends the conversations with something to the extent of, “I don’t like her and I don’t dislike her. She just doesn’t matter at all to me.”
I’ve hung out with my best friend a couple of times since they talked on instagram and she always talks about my girlfriend, asking how she is, talking about how cool she seems, and how she wants to get to know her more. Having known her for as long as I have, I know she genuinely wants to be friends with my girlfriend but gets very stressed out using social media and meeting new people in general.
Just recently there was another instance of my girlfriend bringing up my best friend in conversation, i.e. asking if we had any upcoming plans, and I mentioned there was an event we were going to next weekend that we’d been excited about for a couple of months. After talking about how excited I was to finally go, she again responded with something like “I just don’t really care about her at all, I’m extremely indifferent about her and what she does.” I tried to talk it out with her again, explaining that she really does like my girlfriend and that she wasn’t intending to be mean by not responding to her on instragram, despite it coming off that way. And once again she accused me of being defensive and of making excuses for my best friend’s actions instead of validating her own feelings. I asked where we should go from there, what she thought the solution could be. After my girlfriend said that she doesn’t know a solution, I offered some. Specifically, I suggested that we could organize an online game night with me, my girlfriend, my best friend, and her boyfriend, so that the four of us could interact more and that might make my girlfriend a bit more comfortable. She didn’t seem very interested in that option. The conversation sort of trickled out without a solution and we’re back in this weird spot of her feeling a certain way about my best friend and my spending time with her.
I am now coming to reddit for suggestions. I thought that facilitating a time for all of us to spend together would be the best route to take, but as I said my girlfriend doesn’t seem to want to. I feel super uncomfortable now even texting my best friend, let alone hanging out in person. I also haven’t told my best friend any of this, since from her perspective she really likes my girlfriend and doesn’t think there is any bad energy between the two of them. It feels like her ideal solution is for me to stop talking to my best friend altogether, though she has never verbally suggested that. They both matter a lot to me and I don’t want to have to get to the point of needing to choose between the two of them. What do I do from here?
TLDR: My girlfriend had a weird interaction with my best friend on instagram and assumes that my best friend doesn’t like her. I try to explain that my best friend suffers from social anxiety related issues, and that she tells me all of the time how much she likes my girlfriend and wants to be better friends with her, but my girlfriend just accuses me of defending my best friend’s actions and invalidating her own feelings. In need of advice.
submitted by ThrowRAspitefulmagic to relationships_advice [link] [comments]


2023.05.30 23:04 girl_from_the_crypt Stuck on earth and looking for a job: I sat in a shopping cart for most of this...

Nettie Peterson has known me at my best and at my worst, and after everything that's happened lately, I think I can finally say the same. I'm admittedly not very good at comforting her, though. I haven't had much practice, is all. Historically speaking, she's always been the one to take care of me. My introduction to earth was a confusing, horrifying time for me, and she had dealt with all of it. She'd handled every panic attack, brought me back from every low. When I woke up one night to a drilling pain in my stomach and blood soaking my panties, she managed to keep me calm while explaining that this would now happen every month.
What I'm saying is that the woman is insanely skilled.
Me, not so much. After we had gotten out of the cave, I tried to provide emotional support by petting her hair and talking soothingly. Seeing as I was also distressed, she was doing the same to me, so we were basically sitting on the beach holding each other. To the outside observer, we must have looked rather strange. I was relieved to finally get back to her house. We sat down in front of the TV and ate cupcakes. We have a special system for eating cupcakes. I peel off the frosting and give her rest. It's messy and I have to keep hand wipes nearby everytime, but it's how we do it. We both eat cupcakes whole when we're by ourselves, so it doesn't make much sense either, but when we share, it's always like this.
Once I was sure she was alright, I left her to go off to bed while I made my way back to the hotel, bracing myself for what I expected to be an extremely uncomfortable conversation.
The lobby was dim and quiet. The large, bright ceiling lights had been turned off with only a couple floor lamps illuminating the hall. I walked past the unmanned reception desk and up the stairs, then rapped my knuckles against the door to Frankie's room. After a couple seconds, he opened up. Upon meeting my gaze, he let out a soft gasp, but it wasn't followed by a smile this time. He made way for me to step inside, wordlessly, and I entered without breaking the silence. I sat down on the sofa where he joined me after placing a glass of coconut water in front of me.
For a beat, we both stared at the drink. I didn't take it.
"What you did felt really off earlier," I began. "You were trying to embarrass Nettie. If you were testing your boundaries, if you were trying to see how I'd react, you got your answer. Don't ever make me choose between you two. You'll lose."
"Yes," he said quietly.
"If you don't get along with Nettie, that's one thing. You don't need to. But she was needling you and you made a real effort to be cruel." I paused. "You act so strange sometimes. All bossy and cagey."
"Yes," he repeated, briefly falling silent as he worked away on his gum in slow, contemplative motions. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I did it. I wanted to unsettle her. It's not that I don't like her, she's fine, but at that moment, I simply loathed her. I couldn't tell you why. But I wish I'd kept quiet. I feel gross for spouting off like that."
"Then… why?"
"I don't know! There's this weird feeling, it comes over me and makes me remember stuff that's in the past… Then I get caught up and confused. I run my mouth, but I don't want to make you upset. I swear I won't do it again. I'll rein myself in."
"Will you? This doesn't seem right." I took a deep breath. "Frankie, I have no idea what you are. Even though you know everything about me."
"Not everything," he argued. "You never said a thing about what life was like where you're from. Or who you were before. Yes, that's not what this is about, but I'm just speaking technically."
"You shouldn't have to rely on technicalities to make a point."
"No. Look, I keep wondering what I'm even doing here. I like you a lot. But I haven't thought this through and by now, I'm scared to."
"Stop talking in riddles," I implored him.
He huffed out a chuckle. "I'd have to stop thinking in them first." Before he could add anything else, his phone started vibrating on the TV table. "Oh, dammit," he muttered. Shooting me an uncertain gaze, he reached out for it, his hand hovering above the screen. "Can I?"
"Sure." I let go of a long breath, snatched up the glass and leaned back in my seat as Frankie answered the call. I pick up on a woman's voice talking on the other end.
He kept glancing over at me almost sheepishly as he mumbled words of affirmation into the phone. "Yes… Yeah, I remember… Well, it's not a good time, but I'll do it. Bye." Dropping the device into his lap, he gave me a twist of the mouth. "That was Mae-Lynn. She works at—"
"The diner with you," I cut him off. "I do take note of the other staff there, for your information." I took a sip of my water. "Occasionally."
"I promised to do some shopping for her. She's come down with the flu. Store's closing soon, though, so I'll have to go now."
"Well, that's convenient."
"I was going to ask you to come along."
I agreed. Having lost track of the conversation, the drive was a grim, quiet affair. Frankie took us to one of the more expensive stores in the area, saying that he wanted to treat Mae-Lynn.
"Take a cart," I ordered, and once he had acquired one, I had him hold it still while I climbed inside. He regarded me with a bemused expression but refrained from commenting as he began to roll me down the aisles.
Grocery shopping at night is something else. Eighties music was playing over the radio at a low volume, but the otherwise quiet space made it sound decidedly louder. There was almost the hint of an echo. Safe for two of three singular, tired-looking individuals, Frankie and I were the only people in the store. I had nestled against the back of the cart, my head tipped back to watch Fran's face from below as his eyes roamed the shelves. Occasionally, he'd stop to check the list Mae-Lynn had texted him on his phone.
"If you want anything, speak up," he told me.
"I'm out of cereal," I said, just as we passed the respective aisle. He turned the cart back around, let me pick out a carton of cornflakes and took up walking again. After five minutes of stoically regarding him from my mobile vantage point, I piped up again. "Go back. Wrong ones."
"Well, which ones do you want? I'll get them, it's faster than pushing this thing around."
I shook my head. "No, no, I have to look at them. Go back."
He shook his head to himself but obediently maneuvered the cart back to the shelf with the breakfast items. I took my time picking out a different box, then settled back down.
"Happy?" Fran asked.
"Delighted."
After fifteen minutes, we were getting close to finishing Mae-Lynn's list. Frankie was starting to move towards the cash register, only for me to tug on his arm. "Turn back," I told him, holding up the box. "I don't want them after all. I need different ones."
He stifled a groan. "Sure, Sunshine." I let him roll me all the way back to the cereal aisle where I studied the colorful boxes intensely. "Nevermind," I said, turning back to him. "Let's go."
He started making his way over to the register again when I cleared my throat. "Actually, I think I might have another look."
"Are you kidding me?" he squeaked, only for me to hold his gaze with a smile. "You are," he choked out. "I oughta send you rolling right into that stack of cans."
"You wouldn't dare."
"Is that a challenge?" He glanced about himself, finding that we were alone. Then, he pushed the cart, and it swerved, sliding across the shiny floor. The thrill of the launch washed over me and I started laughing. He lunged for it, grabbing it just in time to prevent the collision.
"Do it again!" I demanded.
He indulged me, sending me swerving and spinning a couple more times. Eventually, he took a running start and pushed me down a long, empty aisle at a breakneck speed. The giggles died in my throat when, seemingly out of thin air, someone appeared at the end of the aisle. My jaw dropped and I reflexively gripped the sides of the cart to protect myself from the impending crash, but the person simply reached out and caught the cart by its edges. Within the blink of an eye, they had managed to steady it. My vehicle had come to a standstill. It all happened incredibly fast, and for a moment, I found myself unable to react. One of the other person's hands had come to rest over mine in the process. Still at a loss for words, I raised my head to meet their gaze.
Those eyes.
My heart, already thundering in my chest, dropped entirely into my stomach. There were pupils filling the void in that formerly uninterrupted pale vastness this time, but I recognized them either way. Seeing them sit in an actual face instead of behind a nondescript black mask was strange, but there was not a doubt in my mind. It was them.
The cultist had jarringly pleasant features that struck me as neither overtly feminine nor masculine. Their tawny skin had an almost bronze sheen to it and short locks of platinum blond hair stuck to their smooth forehead, slick with the same sweat that formed stains beneath the armpits of their light gray t-shirt.
It was like time stood still. The interaction could not have been longer than two seconds in total, but it felt like a full hour. From me staring at our linked hands, to locking eyes with them, to the cold, raw realization, it seemed to me as though forty minutes or more had gone by, followed by another twenty when I watched the crude smile forming on their lips. Their fingers clamped down on my own, and before I knew it, it had happened.
The lights in the store had changed color, taking on a dimmer, sickly green tint. The shelves around us had emptied and the gentle, melodic hum of the radio had been replaced by a deep, droning buzz of static. I was still sitting in the shopping cart, and the cultist was still leaning over me, but their expression had morphed into one of shocked disbelief. Seeing fear on the face of the person who'd stabbed me might have been a great satisfaction to me in any other situation, but right then and there, I was equally as terrified.
I had switched dimensions and was now alone with my attempted murderer.
The thought took a while to sink in, but the clearer it became, the more I felt the need to scream. And yet, not a sound left my lips. My own saliva had turned sour, filling my mouth with an acidic taste. Dread pooled in the pit of my stomach like icy, chilled water and tears were stringing the corners of my eyes. I blinked them away in a hurry, redirecting my gaze at the cultist. They were staring past me in a daze, taking in our changed surroundings before fixing me with a sharp glare.
"Seriously?"
"What?" The word somehow slipped past the lump in my throat.
The cultist made a sweeping gesture at our surroundings. "Where are we? What the hell is this? You don't even have your dimension hopping under control? Not gonna lie, I had higher expectations of you."
"What?" I repeated eloquently.
"You just switched dimensions on my ass. And seeing as you literally crashed into me, I don't think you planned on doing that."
"I didn't," I confirmed.
"That's what I'm talking about."
"You know about dimensions?"
The cultist palmed their face, emitting a deep, low groan. "Clearly."
I scrambled back in the cart, trying to bring some distance between the two of us. I bared my teeth at them, both rows elongating and curving outward. At least I was getting the hang of my physical transformation. "If you come any closer, I'll rip your hand off," I hissed, spittle flying out between my fangs.
"I believe you," they replied, narrowing their eyes at me. "I'm not gonna hurt you."
"That's hard for me to believe."
"Yes, sure. I did and I would again, but not here. Not now. You understand?" they asked pointedly, their voice cutting like a razor blade.
"I'm not sure I do."
"Well, without you, I won't get out of here, and I've stuff to do on the other side." They stepped behind the cart and grabbed onto the handle.
I hastily twisted around to face them. "You know about the finer details of dimension hopping but you can't do it yourself?"
They let out a soft sigh as they began pushing the cart, with me inside, down the empty aisle. "I managed to do it once. Just once. Never again. It's not a great surprise to me that you should be able to switch to the other sides, but I'd thought you'd be able to control it. I think I have your number. I'm pretty sure I know what you are, and we have more in common than you could have probably guessed. That boy you were with on the other hand… I won't lie, he freaks me out. He's got the strangest face and he didn't react to my eyes at all."
"What are you?" I queried, quick to steer him away from the topic of Frankie Preston even though I didn't really expect an honest answer. "How'd you do that the other night? Your… your eye thing?"
"That unsettled you, didn't it? It's not anything I do per se." They shrugged leisurely. "I could just as well ask you where you're hiding your tentacles."
"So you're not human. I didn't think you were," I stated. "What's your business with the Collective? What are you after? Are any of you normal people?"
"As far as I know, I'm the only one who's not." They steered the cart around the corner with a swift, forcible yank and I bumped painfully against the side of the cart. Stifling a yelp, I kept my face straight, looking over the shelves as we passed them. I noticed that some of them weren't entirely empty—there were a couple jars, cans and bags of various goods standing scattered throughout. They looked almost lonely. The cultist, registering my wandering gaze, stopped and grabbed a random plastic jar that looked like it could be containing peanut butter or something of the sort. The label was faded and partially peeled off. They inspected it from all sides before thrusting it into my hands. "Here, open it," they commanded.
"I certainly won't," I replied, a mix of rage and apprehension bubbling in my chest.
"Aren't you curious?"
"No. But if you are, go on and open it yourself."
They grunted, grabbing the jar and unscrewing the red lid. They dropped it to the floor where it bounced off once and rolled away into the darkness. Peering in, their expression remained unchanged. "Nothing. Look." They held it out to me and sure enough, it was empty. I let them hand it to me, intrigue winning me over as I started examining the small container. It was completely unremarkable. I reached two of my fingers inside only for the digits to suddenly be stricken with a searing pain. It flashed through my bones like lightning and I cried out, withdrawing my hand. Suddenly, the floor seemed to quiver. The lights in the store flickered, seeming startlingly bright for a split second only to turn dimly green once more. The cultist let out an involuntary shriek, staggering back before managing to steady themself as everything went back to its former solid state.
"What the fuck was that?" they wheezed.
"An earthquake?" I suggested, not quite knowing what else to say. My pulse was thrumming in my ears, hard enough to split my head in half. It took me a minute to regain a relative state of calm.
"An earthquake? In another dimension? You're messing with me."
"I don't know! Maybe it was… maybe I was nearly jumping back, I have no idea." I shook my head, ignoring the throbbing pain shooting through my temples. "I don't have it all figured out yet, but it's an emotional response. Whenever my flight instinct gets triggered, these dimension switches happen. It was the jar. The jar is painful inside."
"What do you mean?" they asked, eagerly reaching for the jar and sticking their pinky finger into it. They pulled it back out with a howl, letting the jar drop to the floor. "What the hell is up with this place?"
"How would I know?" I argued hotly.
"Yeah, well. Anyways." All of a sudden, their hand was in my hair, tugging on my braid. They yanked my head to the side, and before I could break out my tentacles or try to snap my jaws at them, I could feel their hot breath on my nape. A scream died in my throat, equal parts painful and shocked. My eyes burned, my vision swimming when the cultist dragged their teeth across my skin, leaving a trail of warm saliva. And then, fast and without mercy, they bit down.
The lights turned bright white. The static buzzing that had been hanging in the stale air changed to the familiar eighties music tunes. Squinting into the sudden brightness, the colors of the countless types of packaged products filling the shelves almost seemed to be screaming at me.
We were back.
The cultist disentangled themself, quickly stepping away from me. I looked up, still dazed, to see why. Frankie Preston had come up behind us, snatching the cart away from the other person and pulling it out of their reach. I immediately scrambled up to wrap my arms around him. "That's them," I breathed. "From the Collective."
"I know," he said tonelessly. His eyes, trained on the blonde, spelled murder. "You should get out of here," he added, addressing them. "The shelves here are rickety, they might fall on you."
The cultist's expression was a frozen mix of suppressed uncertainty and confusion. Still, they held the server's gaze. "You should maybe not… do anything stupid," they uttered, their voice almost equally as flat as his.
"I'm all about stupid."
"Then I guess I ought to leave. See you guys soon. It was a pleasure." They threw us a smile that was faker than Frankie's when he waited tables before marching off, leaving the two of us alone in the aisle.
"Are you alright?" Fran asked, running a hand over my mussed braid. "What happened? I'm so… one minute you were here and the next…"
"We switched dimensions."
"I pieced that together. You weren't gone for long… just a couple minutes." He nervously twisted his wet bubble gum around the tip of his finger, drawing nervous strings.
"Were you worried?"
"Out of my mind," he said in a low voice, not meeting my gaze. "I mean, I knew you'd be okay on your own, I wasn't saying that—"
"I wasn't. I'm not," I interrupted him. "I got out alright, sure I did, but I'm not okay right now." I swallowed. My throat was bone dry. "I need to call Mary Markov. She should hear about this."
Frankie nodded along. "Do you want me to do it for you? I'm certain I can give her an accurate description."
I declined and sat back in the cart. Per my request, Fran brought me home after we'd paid for everything. I needed some time alone to relax and pretend everything was normal. I cleaned my room and then looked through job listings, which I admittedly haven't done in a little while. When I couldn't find any other way to procrastinate, I made the call to Mary Markov, which went about as well as could be expected. She wants to see me tomorrow, though. I wish she'd told me about what. For a newsreader, she's really not very forward with her information.
X
1
2: deadbeat roommate
3: creepy crush
4: relocation
5: beach concert
6: First date
7: Temp work
8: roommate talk
9: a dismal worldview
10: warehouse
11: staircase
12: explanation
13: hurt
14: hospital
15: ocean
16: diner
17: government work
18: something in the caves
submitted by girl_from_the_crypt to nosleep [link] [comments]


2023.05.30 23:01 KnottBhed Thoughts on my situation

Hi all, Just wanting to get some advice on my current situation with my Ex, we had been together for nearly six years. (Apologies for the novel)
She broke up with me just over a month ago, saying that she needed to work on herself, etc. I feel like I handled the breakup well, I didn't bed or plead. I just said to her that I obviously didn't agree with it but I respect her decision if that is what she believes she needs to do. I told her that I wanted to work through this tough spot with her because throughout this whole relationship we have been so strong but it was just recently she was shutting herself off due to personal reasons, where I have always been about communication. Anyway it ended with us still saying we loved each other, I could tell there was a bit of hesitancy on her end of wanting to end things. There was also the comment made of we don't know what the future could hold etc. Regardless, it has been just over a month now, I have pretty much gone NC but we have had two very minimal / Short text conversations just about generic things (Work). I have also been working on myself physically & mentally thanks to the gym and taking up running. What I want to know is, She is rather stubborn with her thinking and she may find any reason to stop herself from reaching out even if she wants to. Is it fair for me to reach out just to just have a casual catch up and not bring up the break up unless she wants to talk about it? If anyone else is / has been in a similar situation would love to get your input! Otherwise shall I just continue to do my own NC thing and just wait for her? I have a feeling I may be seeing her at a event in two weeks time that I will be DJing at so do I just hold out for that? I am coping I guess, just find some days can be very difficult as I'm sure most of you can relate. Regardless Thanks everyone really do appreciate it all!
submitted by KnottBhed to BreakUps [link] [comments]


2023.05.30 23:00 copperenthusiast [TW: mention of abuse, suicidal ideation, self harm] Finally opened up to a supportive partner and now horrified that I'm going to ruin his life

My partner and I live together and he's been truly amazing - but I'm terrified. I've definitely noticed that I am MUCH more fucked up than I thought I was in the context of this relationship.
He and I get justifiably angry about something at the same time and suddenly I find myself literally shushing him, repeating "It's fine it's fine it's fine don't worry don't do anything we're okay it's not a big deal" - when seconds ago I was equally pissed off, but no harm was going to happen; nobody was going to behave rashly or spin out of control (what I'm used to in my family dynamic). I struggle with hearing him get angry or even just a bit irritable - I go immediately into damage control mode, trying to make him stop, trying to pretend nothing is wrong even when the anger is totally justified and everybody's safe. I've explained this and apologized to him, and I'm working on it.
I also just am so sensitive - I hear one thing from him that indicates that he's even a little unhappy with something I've done or said (for example, he referred to a bad habit of mine - that I literally call a bad habit - "not his favorite thing" once, and the searing feeling of rejection is still somehow physically painful to me).
If we're out doing something or we're with people and he doesn't appear to be having much fun - even if he's just tired or feeling a bit quieter - I'm possessed with anxiety. I feel like I've done something wrong, misjudged the situation, and now need to either fix it or apologize and run away.
The first year of our relationship was a very healing time for me; my life was less chaotic than usual and I finally had someone I felt pretty safe with around me. I cried, a lot. And he was so supportive and kind - I feel like I was processing a great deal of grief, and he helped me through each episode just by being there and asking questions and holding me. But now my life is a wreck again, and it's impacting me financially, taking up my time, and really fucking me up emotionally all over again. He's been great - too great, financially bearing a great deal of the burden even though I never asked him to; I did not want to accept his help financially but I truly don't really have a choice right now. He's not holding it over my head or anything. I can't express enough how great he has been about all of it. I feel horribly guilty about getting my chaos "on" him, and I don't know how I'll ever feel like I've paid him back.
But the problem more than anything else is my mental health and its effect on him. He was once in a long term abusive relationship where his partner would manipulate him into doing as they wished by threatening self harm or suicide, claiming mental health crisis, etc.; I do not do these things, but I am terrified he's going to feel like he *must* care for me or do as I wish or "fix" my crises, and I'm terrified that's going to ruin our relationship. I completely melted down this weekend - emotional flashback, I think? - and was just not okay in ways I don't think he's seen from me yet. Absolutely inconsolable sobbing, catastrophizing, to nearly catatonic numbness, then back, for hours. That was hard, and I know it was hard for him to see. I eventually asked him to just go to bed without me and I stayed up to freak out some more. The next day was better, until it very suddenly was not, and the same thing happened. But I can see he's frustrated, and I'm worried he's upset with me somehow - I feel like he's trying so hard to say or do the right thing to make me feel better, but there's nothing. There's just nothing to do.
I know what it feels like to love someone who's unpredictable, whose feelings you believe are your responsibility, (hello dysfunctional family!), and it is among the worst feelings in the world. A lovely evening where everything's okay, everyone's having fun, suddenly turning dark and anxious and volatile, is perhaps my least favorite experience on the planet - and I'm doing it to him. I'm the one who is making an evening turn to shit. And I do not mean to, and I do not want to, but I can't seem to contain it? The only thing that I have managed NOT to say around him or to him is the loudest thought I have in these moments of chaos, which is just an unending "I want to die I want to die I want to die". I know, even in crisis, that the feeling will fade, at least enough for me to ignore it. I am not in danger of acting on it - it's just the only words that I can put to the experience and I say them over and over in my head. I will never utter them aloud to another human being, especially not him.
When I was living alone I would just hide from everyone, ignore my phone, stare at the wall, and cry myself to sleep eventually, but I can't hide from him here. And I don't want to - it's like I know he can't help me but I want to know he's still there and still loves me. But I can see that this is painful for him, that he's frustrated and sad and upset, and it makes me want to die of shame. I feel so horrible for doing this to him.
I hate that he fell in love with a better version of me, one that was healing, not one that's circling the drain faster and faster. I wish I could protect him from all of my chaos, but I also don't ever want to lose him; I want to push him away, relearn a poker face, pretend everything's ok, but somehow also want to pull him closer and weep and scream until I physically can't anymore. In those moments/hours/days of crisis, I'm torn between wanting to be alone to spiral into nothing, and wanting to be held and to cry forever.
This turned into such a long post - thanks for reading, if you got this far. If anyone has any idea of what the fuck to do, what to say, what might help in those acute meltdowns... I'm all ears. I'm so lost.
submitted by copperenthusiast to CPTSD [link] [comments]


2023.05.30 22:59 Massive_Win_5240 To J

Look, I know that you don't trust me
I know that I made you many promises you didn't want, especially knowing that I would let you down
I know that you didn't want me to make those promises and say the words because you wanted me to show you
I know that I fought with you a lot instead of just admitting you were right and meaning it
I know that I didn't see you for you and that I wouldn't remove the rose tinted glasses
I know that I hid a lot behind the mask and was too afraid to just take the steps to remove it, that I didn't want to remove it for fear of losing you
I know that I didn't want to see myself or to live in that present time, I just kept looking toward the future
I know that I was too reliant on you because I couldn't even hold myself up
I know that I treated you like you weren't good enough for me in the end and I gave up on you
You wanted to see me grow into your sweet beautiful boy, I still want that
You wanted us to grow alongside each other throughout our lives, I still want that
You wanted me to be the one who came through for you, I still want that too
You wanted me to see you for who you are, I want to see you for you
When I last reached out to you, you made me promise we'd go our separate ways
You told me that if I believed in you I'd agree with you that there's nothing left for us
I told you that we'd go our separate ways until our paths crossed again
I didn't believe those words, but here I am brought back to you, wondering where you are or if you're even here
I really want for us to be in each other's lives, I want for us to start over, there is something left for us, we can start over and I can do right this time
I'm tired of wallowing in my past, my pain, my trauma
I found the light, my fire, and it was in me afterall, but it took me realizing how much I love you and cherish you to spark it
Now I have to seek balance, but I'd like to do that by your side, with you in my life and me in yours
I know that it will be a long and difficult path if I walk it with you again, but I don't care, because I really want to be the one man who came through for you
I want to see you smile with joy the day that I pull through for you
You feared being the one I didn't want, you feared not being enough for me, and I know now that you are more than enough for me and that I do want you
A dream I had brought me back to you, a dream of us together, a future with us as a couple
Dreams I've had after that proved to be true
Since we ended things, since we last spoke I've been running from you, running from the truth that you saw, and now I'm done running
I'm not sure where you are or if you're even here or on a different account, but I am ready for you u/yojesseme
I'm ready to do right by you and to hold us both up, I'm ready to come through for you
I'll be waiting for you
submitted by Massive_Win_5240 to lonely [link] [comments]


2023.05.30 22:56 ferocious_puppy Eulogy for my Father

My father passed away last month at the age of 60. Although he had a number of illnesses, with one being from a young age, his death was unexpected. This is incredibly hard to come to terms with as I expect anyone on this subreddit would appreciate. Reading posts of some people on here who have lost loved ones at a young age or in terrible circumstances puts my loss in perspective but its still no less raw or devastating. I read a eulogy at my fathers funeral which I'm going to add below. It's long and most people won't read it but I just want to tell as many people as possible how amazing my father was. I have omitted any names from the eulogy and replaced with NAME. I will say though my dads name was Mark and I hope anyone who reads this sees how incredible he was.
Thank you all for coming.
My Dad was the person I looked up to the most, especially the older I got where I grew to appreciate the incredible man he was and how he lived his life. He had things very hard from a young age with multiple conditions, but he never let that define him. He appreciated the good things in his life, and not once did I ever hear him dwell on the bad that happened to him, his attitude was always to enjoy what he could surrounded by the people he loved for as long as he could no matter what was thrown his way. My dad possessed many qualities which include being kind, thoughtful, funny, loving and he is the strongest person mentally I’ve ever met and I’m proud and fortunate that he was my dad. The challenge to show those qualities became harder especially in the last few years but he never stopped living and being the man he always was, laughing, joking, and enjoying himself around his family.
His sense of humour was witty and dark, and he loved to wind people up, especially my mum. Even in his final hours he had his sense of humour. He was lying in bed that morning and he had a remote to move the bed into different positions. My mum heard him call her, so she went in and the remote was on the floor. My dad said sorry NAME can you pick it up, so she did. 10 minutes later she heard my dad call her again, so she went back in, the remote was on the floor again this time my dad had a grin on his face, my mum picked it up and gave it to him and warned him not to drop it again. He did of course drop it again and my mum saw a big smile on his face like he always had as she came back in. She knew he was winding her up and was smiling as well and I’m sure my dad thought about doing it again, but he knew one more time and it would be wrapped around his neck.
Two of my oldest memories I have of my dad are of stories he liked to tell because he found them funny to talk about over the years and I know he would like me to mention them. I don’t know whether it’s a coincidence they both involve alcohol, but he was a SURNAME so of course he enjoyed a drink.
The first is when I was around 5 and my dad and I were watching tv and he was enjoying a glass of whiskey. He went out to go to the bathroom and I seized my opportunity, grabbed the whiskey, and had a swig. My Dad came back into the room with me screaming it burns it burns pointing at the glass. My dad knew what needed to be done and rushed into action grabbing a can of lager and having me drink some to get rid of the whiskey taste. It did work to be fair and when I was older, I hated whiskey and enjoyed lager, which explains a lot.
The second story I want to share is another from when I was young. My dad would always go out drinking with his brothers NAME and NAME on boxing day. It was usually a nice casual drink and a chance for them to spend time together. However, on this occasion my dad got very drunk. So drunk his brothers had to carry him home which was an incredible feat by itself as he was not a small man. What was even more impressive is they managed to get him home but avoid my mum. They achieved this by leaving him sitting by the bins outside and knocking the door and running off. I don’t blame them, and I think it was a very smart move. However, what they didn’t expect was my dad to get up and manage to fall inside the bin. That was the sight that greeted my mum.
My dad was a great father to me and my sister NAME. He was limited physically in some of the things he could do with us but he more than made up for it in other ways and he was always there for us when we needed him. The only thing my father got wrong when NAME and I were growing up in my opinion is he should have been a bit harsher on NAME. She was always terrorizing me, and I was always calm and never did anything to instigate things, but she couldn’t be stopped. I think my father showed a bit of favouritism there.
At Christmas and other occasions, he enjoyed having everyone around and eating, drinking, playing games and having fun. Trivial pursuit was something he always wanted to play, probably because he would often win. He would always play as the blue counter, his favourite colour and if my nan was there which she usually was she would go on his team as she knew he would get everything right and she could sit back and sip her dissarano. I’m sorry nan but I really don’t think your going to win many games in future.
A memory of Christmas that sticks out is when we were playing a golf game on the Nintendo wii and it was my dads go. He was very competitive and put a lot of effort into his swing as he had to make up for the fact, he was playing sitting down. On this occasion he tried a bit too hard and also forgot to tighten the strap causing the wii remote to go flying off his wrist and straight into the tv destroying the screen. I will never forget the look on his face, a combination of shock and disbelief.
My dad also enjoyed playing real golf, many times with me and his son in law NAME but always with his mum. He caught the golf bug later in life but would play almost every week, sometimes twice a week for the part of the year they could use a buggy on the course. His father also used to go with them to drive the buggy and the sight of it all on the course was terrifying for others playing. A typical sight would be his father with his sunglasses on no matter the weather, driving the buggy with my dad in front and my nan sitting at the back trying to hold on as his father drove way to fast hitting every bump he could find and just about staying upright. He would then drop them off next to their drive which had gone maybe 50 yards at most, which considering their limitations wasn’t bad. They would play their shots with his father laughing hysterically and taunting them from the buggy as their balls went another 50 yards. To just be on the golf course playing with the pain my father was in and the limitations he had was an inspiration to me. He didn’t care what anyone else thought as he was doing what he enjoyed.
There are many more memories I could talk about and many more things he enjoyed doing but we’ll be here hours if I go into everything, and nobody wants that including me. NAME will go into more of my dad’s hobbies and life later, but I hope what the memories I’ve talked about show is how my dad loved being around his family and always lived life to the fullest. I wish we had more years with him, but I can say with confidence that he was happy and content that he had an excellent life.
There are a few milestones I want to talk about that I know would be important to my dad.
My Mum and Dad met working in a bakery. The day he got married to my mum I know he would have felt so lucky to have found someone he loved and could spend his life with or as my nan put it when preparing for today, he married the best tart in the bakery. They were always there for each other, and I know my dad would have very much appreciated the emotional support she gave him especially the last few years. It wasn’t easy for her either dealing with my dad’s illness but I’m so proud of my mum and dad for how they dealt with everything. Susan and I could not have wished for better parents.
The day my sister NAME and I were both born but especially me were big moments for my dad and changed his life forever, hopefully for the better but maybe not always. Also, important moments were when his Grandchildren NAME and NAME were born who may not know how lucky they are to have had my dad around for the time they did but they will when they are older as they look back to Grampys example and guidance.
My dad was so happy that NAME and I had both found what he had with my mum. For NAME it was NAME and for me it was NAME. NAME and I have chosen the easier option of having dogs rather than children which my dad, despite saying he never wanted a dog around or had any interest in them ended up loving having both NAME and NAME around. He would play with them despite it being hard for him and enjoyed taunting them with toys and chews and they would taunt him back by leaving things just out of reach for him.
The day my sister NAME and NAME got married was an emotional and wonderful day for my dad. Getting to walk his daughter down the aisle was a happy and proud moment for him. we didn’t know if he’d be able to do it beforehand, but he wasn’t going to miss the chance, so he got through it as he always did. My dad was not known for speaking in large crowds or being confident at it, in fact it was the opposite. However, the speech he gave at NAME wedding was incredible, funny, emotional, and memorable. He spoke from the heart without anything prepared and I am so proud he not only got through it but delivered an unforgettable speech.
There was never any pressure put on me or NAME. The only thing he wanted for us was to be happy and if we were happy that was ok for him.
I want to finish by sharing what some of his closest family wanted me to say on their behalf. This is their words read out by me.
His Wife NAME says, Mark was the love of my life, my soulmate with so many happy years together. Those years were rich with happy memories with our family. No more pain and suffering now my darling, rest now. My everlasting love always.
His daughter NAME says, I could not have asked for a better dad. You were always supportive and patient in everything I did. Your Grandchildren NAME and NAME will remember you as wise and funny, you always took an interest in what they liked. I will miss you incredibly, but you will forever be in my heart.
His Mother NAME says, Words cannot say how much I will miss you. I get comfort that you are not in any pain now. Sleep my darling until we are together again.
His brother NAME says, I will love and miss you always, brother.
His Brother NAME says, Dear Brother I will start by saying at least you are now at peace and pain free. You will be deeply missed by us all, after all you were the diplomatic one of the family. Mark was the most patient and calm member of us all and nothing was any bother for him to do. Love you Mark God bless you and thank you for being my brother, Love NAME.
His Son in law NAME says, thank you for welcoming me into your family with nothing but love and kindness. We shared a love for formula 1 and I’ll think of you whenever I’m watching a race.
His Niece NAME says, Uncle Mark was always kind and caring to me and you could tell how much he loved his family. Whenever I visited and complained about something he always found a way to spin it in a positive light and give me a new perspective. My last memory is of him in his chair putting his jumper on which got stuck after his arms were through. He made me jump because I thought he was headless and gave us all a good laugh. I feel lucky to have had him as an uncle.
Finally, for me he was my hero. I owe him everything. I couldn’t have wished for a better man to look up to and learn from. My respect for how he lived his life despite the challenges he faced is immeasurable. He never complained, never worried, never gave up, he lived his life to the maximum he could, doing the things he enjoyed around the people he loved right until the very end.
Dad I’m going to miss you beyond words and its going to be hard, but I will draw from what you taught me and live my life the best I can. It is said that a person is never truly gone as long as they are still talked about. Well, the impact You had on those around you means stories of you will be passed down for generations. The memories I have of you will stay in my head and the love and respect I have for you will remain in my heart forever.
submitted by ferocious_puppy to bereavement [link] [comments]


2023.05.30 22:55 ferocious_puppy Eulogy for my Father

My father passed away last month at the age of 60. Although he had a number of illnesses, with one being from a young age, his death was unexpected. This is incredibly hard to come to terms with as I expect anyone on this subreddit would appreciate. Reading posts of some people on here who have lost loved ones at a young age or in terrible circumstances puts my loss in perspective but its still no less raw or devastating. I read a eulogy at my fathers funeral which I'm going to add below. It's long and most people won't read it but I just want to tell as many people as possible how amazing my father was. I have omitted any names from the eulogy and replaced with NAME. I will say though my dads name was Mark and I hope anyone who reads this sees how incredible he was.
Thank you all for coming.
My Dad was the person I looked up to the most, especially the older I got where I grew to appreciate the incredible man he was and how he lived his life. He had things very hard from a young age with multiple conditions, but he never let that define him. He appreciated the good things in his life, and not once did I ever hear him dwell on the bad that happened to him, his attitude was always to enjoy what he could surrounded by the people he loved for as long as he could no matter what was thrown his way. My dad possessed many qualities which include being kind, thoughtful, funny, loving and he is the strongest person mentally I’ve ever met and I’m proud and fortunate that he was my dad. The challenge to show those qualities became harder especially in the last few years but he never stopped living and being the man he always was, laughing, joking, and enjoying himself around his family.
His sense of humour was witty and dark, and he loved to wind people up, especially my mum. Even in his final hours he had his sense of humour. He was lying in bed that morning and he had a remote to move the bed into different positions. My mum heard him call her, so she went in and the remote was on the floor. My dad said sorry NAME can you pick it up, so she did. 10 minutes later she heard my dad call her again, so she went back in, the remote was on the floor again this time my dad had a grin on his face, my mum picked it up and gave it to him and warned him not to drop it again. He did of course drop it again and my mum saw a big smile on his face like he always had as she came back in. She knew he was winding her up and was smiling as well and I’m sure my dad thought about doing it again, but he knew one more time and it would be wrapped around his neck.
Two of my oldest memories I have of my dad are of stories he liked to tell because he found them funny to talk about over the years and I know he would like me to mention them. I don’t know whether it’s a coincidence they both involve alcohol, but he was a SURNAME so of course he enjoyed a drink.
The first is when I was around 5 and my dad and I were watching tv and he was enjoying a glass of whiskey. He went out to go to the bathroom and I seized my opportunity, grabbed the whiskey, and had a swig. My Dad came back into the room with me screaming it burns it burns pointing at the glass. My dad knew what needed to be done and rushed into action grabbing a can of lager and having me drink some to get rid of the whiskey taste. It did work to be fair and when I was older, I hated whiskey and enjoyed lager, which explains a lot.
The second story I want to share is another from when I was young. My dad would always go out drinking with his brothers NAME and NAME on boxing day. It was usually a nice casual drink and a chance for them to spend time together. However, on this occasion my dad got very drunk. So drunk his brothers had to carry him home which was an incredible feat by itself as he was not a small man. What was even more impressive is they managed to get him home but avoid my mum. They achieved this by leaving him sitting by the bins outside and knocking the door and running off. I don’t blame them, and I think it was a very smart move. However, what they didn’t expect was my dad to get up and manage to fall inside the bin. That was the sight that greeted my mum.
My dad was a great father to me and my sister NAME. He was limited physically in some of the things he could do with us but he more than made up for it in other ways and he was always there for us when we needed him. The only thing my father got wrong when NAME and I were growing up in my opinion is he should have been a bit harsher on NAME. She was always terrorizing me, and I was always calm and never did anything to instigate things, but she couldn’t be stopped. I think my father showed a bit of favouritism there.
At Christmas and other occasions, he enjoyed having everyone around and eating, drinking, playing games and having fun. Trivial pursuit was something he always wanted to play, probably because he would often win. He would always play as the blue counter, his favourite colour and if my nan was there which she usually was she would go on his team as she knew he would get everything right and she could sit back and sip her dissarano. I’m sorry nan but I really don’t think your going to win many games in future.
A memory of Christmas that sticks out is when we were playing a golf game on the Nintendo wii and it was my dads go. He was very competitive and put a lot of effort into his swing as he had to make up for the fact, he was playing sitting down. On this occasion he tried a bit too hard and also forgot to tighten the strap causing the wii remote to go flying off his wrist and straight into the tv destroying the screen. I will never forget the look on his face, a combination of shock and disbelief.
My dad also enjoyed playing real golf, many times with me and his son in law NAME but always with his mum. He caught the golf bug later in life but would play almost every week, sometimes twice a week for the part of the year they could use a buggy on the course. His father also used to go with them to drive the buggy and the sight of it all on the course was terrifying for others playing. A typical sight would be his father with his sunglasses on no matter the weather, driving the buggy with my dad in front and my nan sitting at the back trying to hold on as his father drove way to fast hitting every bump he could find and just about staying upright. He would then drop them off next to their drive which had gone maybe 50 yards at most, which considering their limitations wasn’t bad. They would play their shots with his father laughing hysterically and taunting them from the buggy as their balls went another 50 yards. To just be on the golf course playing with the pain my father was in and the limitations he had was an inspiration to me. He didn’t care what anyone else thought as he was doing what he enjoyed.
There are many more memories I could talk about and many more things he enjoyed doing but we’ll be here hours if I go into everything, and nobody wants that including me. NAME will go into more of my dad’s hobbies and life later, but I hope what the memories I’ve talked about show is how my dad loved being around his family and always lived life to the fullest. I wish we had more years with him, but I can say with confidence that he was happy and content that he had an excellent life.
There are a few milestones I want to talk about that I know would be important to my dad.
My Mum and Dad met working in a bakery. The day he got married to my mum I know he would have felt so lucky to have found someone he loved and could spend his life with or as my nan put it when preparing for today, he married the best tart in the bakery. They were always there for each other, and I know my dad would have very much appreciated the emotional support she gave him especially the last few years. It wasn’t easy for her either dealing with my dad’s illness but I’m so proud of my mum and dad for how they dealt with everything. Susan and I could not have wished for better parents.
The day my sister NAME and I were both born but especially me were big moments for my dad and changed his life forever, hopefully for the better but maybe not always. Also, important moments were when his Grandchildren NAME and NAME were born who may not know how lucky they are to have had my dad around for the time they did but they will when they are older as they look back to Grampys example and guidance.
My dad was so happy that NAME and I had both found what he had with my mum. For NAME it was NAME and for me it was NAME. NAME and I have chosen the easier option of having dogs rather than children which my dad, despite saying he never wanted a dog around or had any interest in them ended up loving having both NAME and NAME around. He would play with them despite it being hard for him and enjoyed taunting them with toys and chews and they would taunt him back by leaving things just out of reach for him.
The day my sister NAME and NAME got married was an emotional and wonderful day for my dad. Getting to walk his daughter down the aisle was a happy and proud moment for him. we didn’t know if he’d be able to do it beforehand, but he wasn’t going to miss the chance, so he got through it as he always did. My dad was not known for speaking in large crowds or being confident at it, in fact it was the opposite. However, the speech he gave at NAME wedding was incredible, funny, emotional, and memorable. He spoke from the heart without anything prepared and I am so proud he not only got through it but delivered an unforgettable speech.
There was never any pressure put on me or NAME. The only thing he wanted for us was to be happy and if we were happy that was ok for him.
I want to finish by sharing what some of his closest family wanted me to say on their behalf. This is their words read out by me.
His Wife NAME says, Mark was the love of my life, my soulmate with so many happy years together. Those years were rich with happy memories with our family. No more pain and suffering now my darling, rest now. My everlasting love always.
His daughter NAME says, I could not have asked for a better dad. You were always supportive and patient in everything I did. Your Grandchildren NAME and NAME will remember you as wise and funny, you always took an interest in what they liked. I will miss you incredibly, but you will forever be in my heart.
His Mother NAME says, Words cannot say how much I will miss you. I get comfort that you are not in any pain now. Sleep my darling until we are together again.
His brother NAME says, I will love and miss you always, brother.
His Brother NAME says, Dear Brother I will start by saying at least you are now at peace and pain free. You will be deeply missed by us all, after all you were the diplomatic one of the family. Mark was the most patient and calm member of us all and nothing was any bother for him to do. Love you Mark God bless you and thank you for being my brother, Love NAME.
His Son in law NAME says, thank you for welcoming me into your family with nothing but love and kindness. We shared a love for formula 1 and I’ll think of you whenever I’m watching a race.
His Niece NAME says, Uncle Mark was always kind and caring to me and you could tell how much he loved his family. Whenever I visited and complained about something he always found a way to spin it in a positive light and give me a new perspective. My last memory is of him in his chair putting his jumper on which got stuck after his arms were through. He made me jump because I thought he was headless and gave us all a good laugh. I feel lucky to have had him as an uncle.
Finally, for me he was my hero. I owe him everything. I couldn’t have wished for a better man to look up to and learn from. My respect for how he lived his life despite the challenges he faced is immeasurable. He never complained, never worried, never gave up, he lived his life to the maximum he could, doing the things he enjoyed around the people he loved right until the very end.
Dad I’m going to miss you beyond words and its going to be hard, but I will draw from what you taught me and live my life the best I can. It is said that a person is never truly gone as long as they are still talked about. Well, the impact You had on those around you means stories of you will be passed down for generations. The memories I have of you will stay in my head and the love and respect I have for you will remain in my heart forever.
submitted by ferocious_puppy to grief [link] [comments]


2023.05.30 22:55 Comprehensive_Ant984 I'm just realizing now that I think I might have been in an abusive relationship, and IDK if I'm just being dramatic or not

Basically what the title says.. I (then 30F) was in love with this guy (28M) completely and thought he was it for me and that we'd be together for the rest of our lives. But things went south, fast. And bc I grew up in an abusive home, I truly thought that it was just how things go, and that I just needed to tough it out and figure out compromises and solutions, and we'd be okay again. We eventually broke up because he decided he didn't want me anymore (and moved his new, very recently turned 18-y/o GF in to his new apartment less than a month later). But as much as I'm horrified looking back, I can't help but wonder if maybe I'm just being dramatic and bitter because my heart was broken. And I feel like my frame of reference for what is and is not acceptable is just so totally skewed from my upbringing, that I feel like I can't even trust myself to know if what he did was abuse or not or just nasty fighting. I'd really love an objective, outside perspective from someone who doesn't know either of us and isn't going to be swayed one way or the other.
The biggest examples were:
- I was crying in the car while we were fighting, so he pulled over, got out and came around and opened my door so he could laugh in my face and mock me for being upset
- We were arguing at his family's beach house one night and I was crying again (I did that a lot in this relationship, embarrassing to admit) because I couldn't understand why he was being so mean with his words, and he got fed up and held me in place and poured a bottle of water over my head to make fun of me
- when things were tough he said he wanted an open relationship so he could sleep with other women. I said I was fine with that, as long as the same rules applied equally to us both and I could see other people as well, and he said if I did that I'd be a whore and he'd leave me
-we got into a fight about politics (he was a DT supporter and I was not), and he got so angry that I wouldn't agree with him that he punched my closet door and broke his hand, and then he and his family blamed me for it for provoking him
-he would repeatedly tell me that i was stupid or my thoughts/opinions/beliefs were stupid and that i should be embarrassed (for example, he was a huge fan of Joe Rogan, and I can't stand the guy and find him to be racist and misogynistic). Point being, any time I disagreed with him, his answer was that it must be because I was dumb and incapable of logical thinking (note that I hold a doctorate-level degree and work in my field, he holds a psychology degree and worked in his family's pizzeria)
- He always wanted to do an*l, and I just was not into it and repeatedly told him no. One night he asked and I again said no I'm not okay with it, and we went to sleep. I woke up to his fingers inside of me, and freaked out and asked him what he was doing. He said he was just curious and it was my fault for constantly denying when I knew he really wanted it. I tried to talk to him about it the next day, and when I said that it kind of made me feel really violated, he flipped and said "stop being so dramatic, it's not like I raped you"
- he repeatedly told me to unalive myself when he was angry with me at the end of our relationship
Now, I'm not an idiot, I know that none of the above is healthy. What I don't know is whether it rises to the level of abuse. And it scares me, because I know what my mom etc. did when I was a kid was abusive, and I know that my instinct is to believe that it's my job to change and stick it out and make it work. And I don't want to keep repeating those patterns if that's what this is. Like, should I have left instead of trying to make it work? And if so, how should I have known when things reached that point? And at the same time, I have to wonder if the problem is me. I'm still single several years and two crappy situationships later, and I'm the last of my friends or family who isn't in a committed relationship. So maybe he was right and I am just too much and too difficult to love and need to change that. But I literally just don't know. This has so thoroughly screwed my head and idk what to do with it. And I really would just really love an outside perspective, because I've been spiraling in my own head and it just isn't fixing or changing anything. All I want is a healthy supportive partnership, and I just need to understand if/how I'm standing in my own way of that, if I'm doing so.
submitted by Comprehensive_Ant984 to abusiverelationships [link] [comments]


2023.05.30 22:54 Consistent_Anxiety_1 Eulogy for CrankGameplays

I know there will probably be a bunch of funny eulogies here as a joke, but I just wanted to say some kind words and thank yous to CrankGameplays. I’ve watched CrankGameplays for many, many years and I’ve heard many people talk about how much gameplays helped them during Covid, but they made the biggest difference to me right before Covid. About a year before Covid my dads cancer came back much worse than before. He couldn’t do much because he didn’t have much energy, but all throughout his treatment my dad and I would sit and watch CrankGameplays. We would look at video games they played and pick out ones we both liked. We would play together for hours and discuss strategy together, share things we learned about the games and things we thought CrankGameplays didn’t get to see in the games but we thought they’d enjoy. CrankGameplays wasn’t the only gaming channel we watched, but they always made us laugh the most. My dad died right before Covid hit. I always miss him, but whenever I go back and rewatch those videos I remember sitting next to him on the couch and bonding with him over crankGameplys and video games. While the gameplays are over, it will always remain like a time capsule to me, holding all those good memories and times we had together and keeping them safe. Life is very different for me now and I’m not at all on the path I thought I would be on, but sometimes life changes and you have to grow with it. I hope Ethan does what he loves and finds his own path, no matter how many weird twists and turns it takes to find the one that makes him happy. While I will miss the gameplays, it’s nice to see Ethan grow and change with the rest of us so he can find what makes him happy.
submitted by Consistent_Anxiety_1 to CrankGameplays [link] [comments]


2023.05.30 22:53 ThrowRAspitefulmagic My (25M) girlfriend (27F) has issues with me having a female best friend (25F). In need of suggestions for how to move forward.

My girlfriend and I have been dating since the beginning of this year. She has a lot of insecurities, and as time goes on I see her slowly slipping out of those insecurities which makes me very happy. This is someone I fully intend on spending the rest of my life with. The one thing that hasn’t seemed to make any kind of improvement though is her feelings about my female best friend.
I’ve been friends with this person since I was 12. We have been in and out of friend groups together, seen each other go in and out of romantic relationships, and have stuck by each other’s side the entire time. We’ve never dated, never had any kind of romantic connection ever throughout all of these past 13 years. She’s someone I hold very close to my heart, but in very much the same way I would a family member. It’s worth noting that my best friend is also in a committed relationship and has been for over a year now. A bit of extra context, I live 45 minutes away from my best friend and I hang out with her and her boyfriend once every few weeks when we have free time. My girlfriend, on the other hand, lives on the other side of the country. I am east coast, she’s west. We have plans to meet in August, but have not yet met in person.
Back in March, I introduced the two for the first time. I was out with my best friend and called my girlfriend on the phone, and had the three of us talk over the phone for about five minutes. It seemed to go really well, and afterwards my best friend added her on instagram and the two of them began communicating there. They talked for a bit over the course of a week or so, and it ended with my girlfriend sending a wall of text about a bunch of stuff, mainly talking about tattoos as that is something they both enjoy a lot. My best friend heart-reacted the message but never actually responded. My girlfriend took that very negatively and now assumes that my best friend doesn’t want anything to do with her, since there has been no other direct message communication.
My best friend has struggled with her relationship with social media for a long time, and has told me many times how stressed out she can get with messages from people piling up on her. She also works 60-70 hour work weeks on top of juggling hobbies on the side like DJing, going to the gym, etc. It is very hard to get a hold of her sometimes, with me having to double and triple text her sometimes just to get an answer about something. I have to admit it is very annoying sometimes, but it’s just something I have to deal with and I can put my feelings aside knowing that she is busy, is a naturally forgetful person (gets dates and times wrong pretty often) and struggles with a lot of personal issues. I tried explaining all of this to my girlfriend after she brought up not getting a response from my best friend, and she got very upset at me for defending my best friend’s actions.
Since then, I’ve tried to not bring up my best friend to my girlfriend as often as I can, as I could tell there was some tension there. Though my girlfriend will ask about her from time to time, and I always answer openly and honestly as there is nothing to hide. My girlfriend always ends the conversations with something to the extent of, “I don’t like her and I don’t dislike her. She just doesn’t matter at all to me.”
I’ve hung out with my best friend a couple of times since they talked on instagram and she always talks about my girlfriend, asking how she is, talking about how cool she seems, and how she wants to get to know her more. Having known her for as long as I have, I know she genuinely wants to be friends with my girlfriend but gets very stressed out using social media and meeting new people in general.
Just recently there was another instance of my girlfriend bringing up my best friend in conversation, i.e. asking if we had any upcoming plans, and I mentioned there was an event we were going to next weekend that we’d been excited about for a couple of months. After talking about how excited I was to finally go, she again responded with something like “I just don’t really care about her at all, I’m extremely indifferent about her and what she does.” I tried to talk it out with her again, explaining that she really does like my girlfriend and that she wasn’t intending to be mean by not responding to her on instragram, despite it coming off that way. And once again she accused me of being defensive and of making excuses for my best friend’s actions instead of validating her own feelings. I asked where we should go from there, what she thought the solution could be. After my girlfriend said that she doesn’t know a solution, I offered some. Specifically, I suggested that we could organize an online game night with me, my girlfriend, my best friend, and her boyfriend, so that the four of us could interact more and that might make my girlfriend a bit more comfortable. She didn’t seem very interested in that option. The conversation sort of trickled out without a solution and we’re back in this weird spot of her feeling a certain way about my best friend and my spending time with her.
I am now coming to reddit for suggestions. I thought that facilitating a time for all of us to spend together would be the best route to take, but as I said my girlfriend doesn’t seem to want to. I feel super uncomfortable now even texting my best friend, let alone hanging out in person. I also haven’t told my best friend any of this, since from her perspective she really likes my girlfriend and doesn’t think there is any bad energy between the two of them. It feels like her ideal solution is for me to stop talking to my best friend altogether, though she has never verbally suggested that. They both matter a lot to me and I don’t want to have to get to the point of needing to choose between the two of them. What do I do from here?
TLDR: My girlfriend had a weird interaction with my best friend on instagram and assumes that my best friend doesn’t like her. I try to explain that my best friend suffers from social anxiety related issues, and that she tells me all of the time how much she likes my girlfriend and wants to be better friends with her, but my girlfriend just accuses me of defending my best friend’s actions and invalidating her own feelings. In need of advice.
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2023.05.30 22:51 Archives-H I volunteered for an expedition to get off death row. I never should have entered the Sea of Green.

Before I begin my story I must maintain that my sentence to death was a wrong and vile thing to do. I maintain that I am not a killer. I did not kill the schoolchildren the authorities decided to hang me for.
My sentence to death, I must maintain, is a huge misunderstanding. There must be forces out there against me, who conspired to put me in prison for this very experiment, this accursed expedition.
I am not deranged. I am not insane.
The man in the odd multicolored sweater paid me a visit a week before my scheduled execution date. “You are the former schoolteacher Chet Adami?” he asked, polite, offering me a plastic cup of coffee.
I nodded, taking a sip. “I didn’t kill those kids,” I reiterated, for about the thousandth time. “Are you the uh, priest guy? That comes before-”
He shook his head and waved away the guards. “My name is Canopy Hydrangea,” he introduced, extending a hand. I shook it. “I understand you may not be guilty, despite what the state believes.”
I nodded. “Finally, someone who-”
He cut me off. “I’m not interested in your story. Whether you die or not is of no consequence to the people I represent,” he continued. “But I am here to offer you a deal. There’s a place the people I represent need exploring, and I need volunteers.”
He produced a sheet of paper and a pen. “This agreement,” he clasped it into my hands, “has you join a team of expendable, uh, volunteers such as yourself on this expedition. You get in, get the things we need, and get out- and you’re free for life.”
This was better than dying in prison.
I asked him what place this was that I’d be sent to. He told me I had to sign the form first. “I’ll do it, then,” I cheered, signing the document.
He smiled and patted me on the shoulder. “We’ll even give you a whole new identity,” he offered. And with that, he seized the document away from me and left the building.
Within hours I was blindfolded, sedated, and transported. When I awoke I was strapped to a bed in a helicopter, with four others beside me, all beginning to wake up.
The man who’d offered me the deal was there too, sucking on a lollipop while rearranging documents and photographs.
These images, I assumed, was the place they wanted us to explore. They were mostly all aerial photos, a sea of endless green and the occasional bird. And yet, there was more- images of impossible landscapes, dreamlike beings.
“Ah, you guys are awake!” he clapped once, and walked over.
The next few moments were a flash as he re-injected us with some sort of blue, wriggling substance. It was cold, and I swear it pulsed inside my arm.
Then we had landed, and the group was quickly taken inside a compound. We were freed and sat down in some sort of meeting room. More people were inside.
A blue haired lady joined the man.
“Welcome, volunteers,” he announced, pointing to a projector. “You are all, save for one, prisoners on death row,” he reminded. “This offer today is simple- you enter the forest, travel to an outpost we have recently lost contact with,” he turned on the projector, displayed a bright red cylinder labeled ‘SYSTEM RECORDER-A32’, “and recover this data module.”
The woman spoke next. “Easy, right?” she counted us. “We’ll provide maps,” she gestured to tablets. “But this forest is different.”
They proceeded to explain the reason they need ‘volunteers’ for the assignment then.
We were on an island somewhere in the Java Sea. The island had a massive forest in the center, one that at first glance seemed as normal as ever. This changed when an international mining company sent in a team of geologists to determine if there was anything of note beyond the forest.
This team never returned.
Nor did a second team, armed with weapons. Or an environmentalist group that ventured in to document new species. So then the organization our recruiters had come from entered the forest.
We were on the outskirts of the forest, at a place they were calling Ake Base.
Over the past month, they had begun to map the forest and determine why so many hadn’t returned. The reason was illogical- the forest was bigger than the island itself.
Drones that ventured in should have come out the other side- yet remained inside the forest, encountering bizarre phenomena and creatures undocumented.
Every so often, the forest would slope downwards, revealing a new layer with new and distinct ecosystems.
“Recently though,” Canopy concluded, “we’ve lost contact with several outposts in the third layer to eighth layers.” He changed the slide to one of the lost outposts, standing alone amidst a vibrant, alien forest. “You enter the forest, get to your team’s assigned outpost, get back out with the data and you’ll be set for life.”
“Does anyone choose to rescind their agreement?” the woman asked. “It’s either death, or this, and frankly, your chances here aren’t that better.”
There were some who raised their hands. “Hell no!” a man shouted. “I’m goin’ back to life!” The woman had them taken away. We heard gunfire outdoors. No life row for him.
Whoever they were- they were serious about this.
They started to call out names and assign teams.
My team, was small, four of us. There was a mercenary named Leo who kept talking about the food the organization had brought us. He seemed pleasant, charismatic, and I almost forgot he was a criminal.
There was a scientist called Anya who, as she joked, was ‘serving infinite life sentences’ for crimes against humanity. She was given the codes and a booklet of things to watch out for in what they called the ‘Sea of Green’.
Then there was Gail. She was quieter than the three of us, and had an almost eerie vibe to her. She didn’t tell us what she’d done to get here, but she was there nonetheless.
Thankfully, we were given the closest- and safest outpost. A little place in Layer Three, marked by the map as only a few hours walk away.
We set off the next day.
The forest, in the beginning, seemed to almost invite us in. The birds chirped and danced, unafraid of mankind. We even fed them the nuts we’d been given as breakfast rations, which they seemed to enjoy.
About an hour in, things changed. The light from the sun barely pierced the canopy, and at times, we had to utilize our flashlights to see what was in front of us. Leo took the lead, hacking away at the branch and vine in front of us.
The forest was starting to look like a jungle- and yet, as we traversed it never seemed to choose which one it wanted to be.
“Wait!” Anya hissed, as we crossed a stream that seemed oddly familiar. She read from the booklet, then to the map on tablets we’d been given. “We’ve made a circle.”
Leo shook his head. “That’s impossible,” he insisted. “I don’t remember turning.”
“Yeah,” I agreed, catching up from behind.
Anya shared the booklet. “It’s one first phenomena researchers encounter,” she explained. “This place plays tricks on us- we need to follow the stream.”
“But then,” Gail pointed out, “we’d be going in the wrong direction.”
“Trust the book,” Anya concluded. We followed the stream then, and the path started to grow denser, as if the forest hated us for traveling further. But the path was right, and the forest changed as we journeyed.
An hour later the forest had changed. It had sloped downwards a bit, inviting us to the second layer of the maze. The trees seemed higher, and the light was now gone completely.
This was when we started to hear it. Click-click.
“What was that?” I asked, turning. Click-click.
Anya rushed through the book. “It’s not documented.”
Click-click. And then we saw lights in the distance, lights that as we continued walking, were revealed to us as bulbous fruit on the trees that glowed an eerie electric blue.
Click-click. “You sure it’s not in that book?” Leo questioned, switching his machete out for a gun. Click-click.
The clicks were getting louder, each one sending a jolt of uneasy fear down my spine. We moved closer together now, fearing the unknown that were in these- A bush in front of us rustled. Leo aimed his weapon.
A deer- no, something like a deer popped out, gently squawking. It was… wrong in every sense, but it seemed more occupied in chewing a flower than us.
The small creature had the antlers of a deer, yes, but it also had the face of an old man. Not to mention six fists full of thumbs at the end of its legs. It inspected a glowing fruit with it’s odd thumbs.
“Ew,” Gail commented, disgusted. “What the hell is that?”
Anya didn’t have time to look for answers before a black, insectine limp shot out of one of the bulbous fruits and impaled the deer-thing. It screamed an all too human scream and struggled.
We backed away- and by then, the noise was overwhelming. Click-clickClick-clickClick-clickClickclickClickclickClick-clickClick-click. They erupted from every single one of the bulbous fruits, and things began to pour out of them.
The limbs, see, were attached to a head. The a simple sphere that opened into buzzsaws of teeth that grotesquely clicked as they opened. The face-deer only screamed as the clicking creatures devoured it.
“Run!” Leo reminded, shooting as some started to near us. “Run!”
That shook us out, and we ran, terror in our very veins. They seemed more interested in the fallen deer than us- but we still ran until we could no longer.
Actually, it was until I fell off and entered the third layer.
A weight appeared on my chest and I fought it off, thinking I was about to die- but the soft, furry creature atop me jumped off. It wasn’t one of the clicking monsters.
And then I realized the third layer was bright. The trees themselves were glowing now, not the insect fruits of before. And there were a whole host of new, bizarre creatures.
The thing I’d pushed off was some sort of rabbit, covered in glowing blue stripes. If layer two had been a forest of darkness this was it’s very opposite.
In the skies there were ribbons of glowing creatures- thin kites on an unseen wind. The trees were alive with all sorts of furried friends, darting here and there and eating odd colored berries that didn’t seem real.
Anya pointed and spoke, “Look!” It was the outpost, in ruins.
“But what attacked it?” Gail murmured, as we walked over.
We entered through a hole in the wall. The place was oddly peaceful, calming, now home to bioluminescent little ants that dotted the place. Occasionally, one or two of the face-deer would appear, licking the dots up with twin tongues that emerged from it’s too-human face.
“Cute,” Leo joked, picking one up and stroking it. It screamed back at him, chilling and he dropped it. “Never doing that again.”
The place was… too peaceful. And- “what happened to their bodies?” I posited. “If they were attacked- where’s their blood? Their corpses?”
Anya shrugged. “It is odd- perhaps they got devoured.” She gestured to the many oddities around us. “But you’re right, there should be bones, at least.”
This was when we heard the screaming. And all of a sudden every single creature retreated away, disappearing from view, save for the tiny ants inside with us. The screaming was a cacophony of voices, realer than the ones we’d heard from the face-deer.
“I think we need to go,” Leo whispered, holding out the red ‘data module’ in his hands. “Now.”
The screaming got ever closer, and the trees in front of the outpost, beyond a window, started to shake. “I concur.”
We were backing away when we heard the squelching of something loud and heavy. Turning around, we saw the screaming creature we’d heard. It was massive, fleshy, and filled with tiny gaping holes, some filled with eyes, all rising, breathing as one.
I nearly threw up. But that was for a different reason.
The holes were one thing. But the screaming, severed bodies of dozens of people attached the the eye-full monster was another. They screamed and screamed, their bodies unneatly joined and sown into the creature.
It sniffed the air and walked over to the glass, looking in as we hid. “What is it?” I squealed. “What the hell is that?”
The face of a victim in military clothes appeared at the window, screaming, face slowly popping, skin repairing and being digested all at once. Anya flipped through the pages. “They called it a Fleshweave. It absorbs bodies and eats them that way.”
That would explain the lack of bodies we’d seen.
The window shattered- and the thing began to force itself on it, flesh turning to churned cylinders through the window. The bodies, crushed further, screamed some more.
So we ran as the beasts fell into the room with a plop. And despite it’s heavy, gluttonous form it charged forwards, faster than it looked.
Out the outpost we went. I felt a meaty hand hit me and then I fell. It stalked towards me, but a gunshot from Leo burst it’s pus-ridden hand, covered my in grotesque, viscous liquid.
I picked myself up and ran from the screaming thing, up the steep slope and climbing onto the second layer.
I fell again, but Anya caught me, helping me up.
Leo did the same for Gail- but she slipped and fell back into the third layer. The thing approached her, all of it’s pulsing eyes upon her. “Help me!” she bellowed. “Don’t leave me-”
Leo prepared to jump down- but it was too late. The Fleshweave simply picked her up and it opened it’s skin, forging her into her body- er, her top half,- it severed the rest.
“Go!” I snapped, dragging the mercenary to action. The creature behind us lifted itself onto the dark forest and continued to follow.
Gail, merged with the other unfortunate bodies, screamed. I almost stopped in terror from the sound, but flight-or-fight forced me to continue.
Click-click. We found ourselves back in the center of the abode with the insect fruit. And the insects were clearly attracted to the stench of decay the monster emanated. Limbs emerged, and the face-beetles jumped up and swarmed the creatures.
I don't know if the creature was killed by it. I only remember Gail’s face as the insects started to pick her body- and so many others like her- apart.
The way out seemed harder than going in, but we made it. We survived. We reached the outpost and handed our data module to the man who’d offered us the deal. “Impressive,” he congratulated. “You’re the first team back.”
“I want out now,” I panted. “Back to real life.”
He patted me on the shoulder and gave me a sad smile. “According to the world you’ve already died by suicide in your cell,” he informed. “See, there’s a way the people I work for have operated so cleanly for the past few centuries.” He paused and took a step back. “We can’t afford loose ends, see, and you’ve shown us you have the guts to survive Bandai La- er, the Sea of Green.”
I took a step back, panicking. “What do you mean?”
He sighed. “We can’t give you a new life and risk exposing our operation here,” he explained. “And we still need ah, expendable people to lead us to whatever’s in the center of the island.” He handed me a can of soda. “Welcome to your new life. The Company really values your dedication as a treasured employee.”


But I don’t want this. I was promised freedom. And they can’t keep me from exposing them- I’ve typed this up and Anya did something to the tablet so I can receive and post things online.
I’m not sure if this’ll work. But if it is: I’m on an island somewhere in the Java Sea. There’s a forest that goes on forever and I’m being held as some sort of explorer by some Company.
Find me. Before I die.
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