When I was getting started, an actor I knew gave me some really good advice. While deciding whether or not to take a certain role, consider three factors: the money, the show, and the people. If at least two of those things are good, accept the job. If they’re paying you well and you love the play, you won’t mind putting up with shitty people. If it’s a great show with a cast full of friends, but you’re not getting paid so well, that’s still alright, it’ll be artistically fulfilling. If it’s a bad show but you love the cast and you’re making money, you’ll probably have the time of your life making fun of the playwright backstage and laughing all the way to the bank.
What my friend failed to mention is that as an aspiring actor, you don’t usually get to be that picky. When I got the call from my agent that a production of The Bacchae was urgently seeking a new chorus member, all I could see were dollar signs. My survival job had just fallen through (the family I nannied for was moving upstate, insisting that Manhattan had just gotten “too dangerous” for their toddler), and my savings were only going to cover my rent for another month.
It was raining the day of my audition, and my train got delayed. I showed up panting (I had to run from the subway station) and my hair a disaster. Luckily, in The Bacchae, the chorus is full of… well… Bacchae. Fervent followers of Dionysus, wild women, drunk and running through the countryside. In the climax of the play, they crowd the protagonist in a frenzy, literally ripping him limb from limb.
I’ll never know if it was my frenetic energy from barely making it to the theater on time, or my actual acting, but I got the part. My costume fitting was the next day– they weren’t kidding about urgently needing a replacement. Which thrilled me, because I wasn’t kidding about urgently needing the money. At the fitting, I discovered something my agent failed to mention about the production: this wasn’t just any version of The Bacchae, it was a recreation– an attempt to perform the play in the traditional Greek style. In other words, everyone was wearing masks.
I’ve never been fond of masks. We had to do a few assignments with them in my college acting courses; covering your face can enhance the physicality of your body, something like that. But I never liked wearing them, or seeing other people wearing them. It wouldn’t be fair to call it a full-on fear, but the stiffness, the lack of expression, gives me a weird feeling in my stomach. And wearing one, your field of vision limited, your mouth covered, making it harder to breathe, harder to project your voice– I don’t like it. It’s as simple as that.
But I needed the money. My costume wasn’t ugly, per se, just strange: a long white dress, or maybe toga is a better word, the fabric about the thickness of a burlap sack. My mask, stark white, paper mache, covering my entire face except my eyes, the mouth carved to imitate a grin. No shoes. My hair tucked into a wild black wig– we wore wigs, they explained to me, so the chorus could be identical, indistinguishable. We moved as one, spoke as one, and were meant to look like one. They even made sure to cast women of the same height. In our costumes, it was impossible to tell which of us was which.
It didn’t help that I was an outsider to the rest of the cast, joining the show weeks into rehearsals. Everyone seemed annoyed that they had to teach me the blocking, the inflection of the lines (so my voice didn’t stick out from the other chorus girls), and where to go backstage during scenes with no chorus. A few people tried to be nice to me, but quickly gave up when they realized I knew nothing about Greek theater, or masked theater, or the avant garde. My last show had been a regional production of Cats, for God’s sake. I was totally out of my element.
Things got especially sour when I tried to ask what had happened to the girl I was replacing. Nobody wanted to talk about it. People gasped when I brought it up. The clearest answer I got was a whispered, hesitant, “she fell,” but the person wouldn’t elaborate any further. The cast seemed superstitious, uncomfortable, like talking about her would cause them to suffer her fate: removal from the show. And it was clear that, aside from me, everyone else loved this show. The actor playing Dionysus, the couple of times he deigned to talk to me, just kept gushing about how honored he was to play this role, how electrifying it felt to put his history minor to use, to show people a piece of the world’s theatrical beginnings.
I thought the show was fine. Kinda boring, kinda scary. I don’t think I “get” The Bacchae. In brief, the story is about Dionysus, son of Zeus, disguised as a human. He and his followers (the chorus) show up in a town, but the leader of the town, Pentheus, is upset about it. He doesn’t understand why all these women are acting crazy, and he arrests Dionysus, not believing him to be an actual God. As punishment, Dionysus possesses Pentheus’s own mother with the same madness as his followers, and together, with their bare hands, they rip Pentheus apart. His mom walks back into town holding her son’s head, thinking it to be, in her madness, the head of a lion. When she realizes what she’s done, she is overwhelmed by grief, and futilely attempts to put Pentheus’s mutilated corpse back together. Dionysus returns, basically saying, “well, he said I wasn’t a God, and that’s blasphemous, so he got what was coming to him.” Pentheus’s mother is exiled.
It’s incredibly dark. In the reviews, critics called it daring, challenging, a bloody spectacle, a feminist masterpiece. I don’t really get what part of “a man who’s a God possesses women’s minds, driving them to murder” screams “feminism,” but hey, I’m the girl who commuted to New Jersey every day for four months to do Cats, what do I know?
Here’s something I do know: the other chorus girls did not like me. And they took their jobs seriously. As we waited to enter for each scene, there was dead quiet in the wings. Usually, there’s some light joking, maybe quickly running lines, maybe physical warmups, shaking out your nerves– I tried to do this once. Before our entrance at the top of the show, we all gathered in the stage right wing, all twelve of us, a perfect and identical dozen. It was a dress rehearsal. No audience. I did a few jumping jacks, trying to hype myself up. Another masked girl grabbed my bicep, hard. When I turned, she just shook her head “no.” Just a simple, silent, “no.” We don’t do that here. We stand silently in the wings, focusing on our craft, breathing, waiting for our entrance. I never tried it again.
When you can’t talk to your coworkers, acting becomes a lot less fun. The collaboration element is totally gone. And honestly, the “acting” element was gone for me, too. How am I supposed to find my character or sense of identity in a role when my role is “don’t let your voice stick out, don’t take a wrong step, blend in perfectly with eleven women who dislike you?”
So before the shows, instead of chatting, or doing jumping jacks, I wandered the theater. I’ve always loved theaters; the dramatic architecture, the ornate prosceniums, the stark contrast of backstage, so dark, so dusty. The theater was no Broadway house, but it had a fly system (which we didn’t use, because the Greeks wouldn’t have been able to fly anything in), just over three hundred seats (including a mezzanine– fancy!), and lots of backstage space. I could say more about it, because I spent hours during the run of the show wandering, but it wouldn’t be terribly interesting to anyone who’s not me. Just know, it was a beautiful old theater– and I mean OLD. Built in the 1910s, just before the Great Depression. I used to love imagining how many generations of people had performed on that stage, imagining what they’d think of this show, or what they’d think of me.
About a week into my wandering, on some fifteen-minute break, I was looking at the ladder that led up to the catwalk– a long, thin metal walkway stretching across the stage from above, usually used for hanging lights. I wondered how long it had been since it was used during a show. I wondered if it was even safe. What would the view be like from up there, seeing the entire stage from thirty feet in the air?
I slowly looked up the ladder. I wouldn’t actually climb it. That would be crazy, right? I’m not particularly good with heights. As my eyes lifted, I made eye contact– or rather, mask contact– with someone. A fellow chorus girl, up on the catwalk.
I stopped breathing for a second. What was she doing up there? I started to say something stupid, like, “Why are you up there?” when just as quickly as the face appeared, it vanished. I saw her white robed form retreat down the catwalk, heading for a different ladder, probably. It was weird. Why did she run? Embarrassed to be caught somewhere she shouldn’t be?
I allowed myself to entertain a little fantasy: maybe she was just like me. Maybe she also hated the other chorus girls, and didn’t “get” The Bacchae. Maybe she was exploring the theater for fun on our break, enjoying the old architecture, like I did. I had no idea who she was under the mask, and she had no idea who I was. She probably thought I was one of the normal judgemental girls, and ran off before I could tell on her to the stage manager.
I was filled with unfounded hope. Could I make a friend here? Was it possible? After two and a half weeks of silence from the other girls, it was hard to imagine. How would I find her? How would I let her know it was me– that I had seen her on the catwalk, and we were the same?
After that day, I got much more observant. When the director called for a break, instead of immediately retreating into the depths of backstage, I watched my eleven doppelgangers carefully, tracking who went for water, who went back to the dressing rooms, who ran off towards the vending machines. It was hard to tell everyone apart, but people had to take their masks off to drink water eventually. I memorized faces and tried to keep track of them. I started to get a handle on everyone’s patterns, narrowing down potential adventurers.
It was impossible. Eleven people is too many to observe. But I’m an actor. Memorizing shit is literally my job. By week four, just days from opening, I had three potential girls. I tried to stick close to them during rehearsals, picking one to follow each day, but nobody ever wandered towards the catwalk. Maybe the girl, whoever she was, had been scared away from adventuring when I caught her. I started to lose hope. We were opening soon– I should focus on making my entrances, not making friends.
But then I saw her again.
This time, it was half an hour before the curtain went up for our invited dress rehearsal. The press was there. I was nervous. I knew I had my part down, but when you’re doing a show, no matter how prepared you are, there’s always the lingering fear that you’ll freeze up, forget everything, and ruin everyone’s hard work. It just means that you care. I was surprised that I cared so much. I still didn’t even get the play. I couldn’t let the other girls see me weak. I barely show my real feelings to people I care about, much less mean actresses who look down on me. To get away from it all, I wandered down to another unused part of the stage: the orchestra pit. We did have music in the show, but the Greeks didn’t have orchestra pits. So it was closed off, being used as storage.
I loved it down there. I loved looking through the storage bins, finding props from long-forgotten productions– sometimes I would find something incredible, something I swore was from the day the theater opened, something old and valuable– and usually, I could never find it again. Those bins were a treasure trove. Of all the weird little spaces I found backstage, the pit was my favorite. I felt like a real explorer down there, illuminating my path with my phone flashlight, getting spooked when a mouse ran over my foot (of course the theater had mice, it was more than a hundred years old! And besides, every building has mice in New York City).
That day, I wasn’t there to look around. Just to sit. Just to catch my breath. I tiptoed down the creaky steps, and plopped myself on the ground, surrounded by bins. I inhaled and exhaled, smelling the mildew-y scent of old props on every side of me. And that’s when I heard a noise. Not a mouse noise– I was used to those. Something bigger. I turned my phone flashlight on immediately, calling, “hello?”
And the light landed on a mask, just like mine. Mine which was currently off, because I was doing my breathing exercises. I felt exposed– she could see my face, but I couldn’t see hers. I stood up. “You scared me!”
She didn’t respond. She looked at me for a second, and started to retreat the other way, towards the stairs at the other side of the pit.
“Wait!” I called. “I won’t tell anyone I saw you!”
She stopped for a second. But then she kept walking. I stood and followed. “Please stop. Can I at least know who you are? I don’t fit in with most of the chorus girls–”
I reached for her long white toga. I swear, I had it in my hand, but somehow, she slipped away. I staggered a bit, almost tripped, confused that I hadn’t made contact with her costume. And when I looked back up, I only saw a glimpse of her disappearing up the stairs. I tried to follow, again, but I found that side of the pit’s stairs reached a dead end. I didn’t understand how she’d gotten out. And when I looked back down at my phone, it was time for places. Disappointed and defeated, I rushed away to the other stairs, making my way to the stage right wing to wait for my entrance.
I counted heads immediately when I arrived. Maybe she hadn’t made it back yet. But, alas: twelve. All accounted for. I nudged a girl next to me, subtly. “Who was the last one here besides me?”
She just stared at me for a moment, which came off as very creepy through the blank dead stare of her mask. “How the fuck am I supposed to know? We all look exactly the same.”
I sighed. “Okay. Thanks.” For nothing, I thought bitterly.
The invited dress went well. The press liked it, as I’ve already said. I was distracted the entire time. After that day, I made it a habit to count all the girls when the stage manager called for “places.” If I was right about this girl, she, like me, would be one of the last, if not the last one there. She would be wandering, exploring, getting away from the bullies.
I wish I hadn’t done this. I wish I’d given up when she disappeared on a dead-end staircase. I wish I’d never seen her on the catwalk. Because when I started counting heads, I noticed something impossible. Sometimes, before we went on, I counted thirteen identical masked faces.
It was a chorus of twelve. It was supposed to be twelve. I’d recount. Recount again. Thirteen. A chill went down my spine. We all looked the same. Same masks, same togas, same wigs. Who was the imposter? How could anyone be an imposter? It didn’t make sense. How would they get into the theater? How would they get a costume?
I started counting more often. Between scenes, in the dressing rooms, even on stage during dull moments. It fluctuated. Sometimes I’d count twelve for a whole day, an entire show, and sigh in relief, feeling like some curse was broken. But the next day, at least once, I’d count thirteen.
And it seemed as if one masked pair of eyes was always trained on me. I don’t know how she knew it was me. We looked the same. But she’d stare. It felt scary, but also ridiculous– I couldn’t be sure it was the same person looking every time. I couldn’t be sure it was unlucky number thirteen. But I felt like it was.
I felt a lot of things. I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone. The other girls already didn’t like me– I couldn’t have them thinking I was crazy. And admitting the presence of the thirteenth would mean admitting to my adventures into forbidden backstage areas. I couldn’t lose this job. I was living paycheck to paycheck. I wasn’t eating well, or sleeping well– maybe this was all a hallucination. And somehow, my biggest feeling was that if I told someone about the thirteenth, I’d never see her again.
And I needed to see her again. The obsession had only gotten stronger. I knew, somehow, deep inside, that she was the one I had seen on the catwalk and in the orchestra pit. I no longer wanted to be her friend– I wanted to corner her. To ask who she was, and why she was sneaking in as if she was one of us. I wanted to ask what she wanted from me.
Because she must want something from me, right? Why else would she stare? Why would she appear only to me?
The timing never lined up. The show had opened at this point, and I had a job to do: delighting the audience. I couldn’t skip my entrance to catch number thirteen. The chorus formations would look ridiculous with a missing person. And as much as the other girls hated me, I owed it to them as my costars to make them look good.
Logically, I knew there was only one person the thirteenth could be: Catalina, the actress I’d replaced. She must be jealous of me. Bitter. Maybe she wanted to take my role, like I’d taken hers. It would be insane, but it was all that made sense. She was the only other person who had the costume, who knew the keypad code to get into the theater. She must have recovered from her fall and come to find me.
It was almost like a game. It definitely made the show more interesting for me. Before I realized what was happening, I dreaded performances. I felt stupid, taking on this role in a show I didn’t even understand. But now I had so much to do. I had to plan.
I started showing up early, an hour before my call time. I walked my old spots, thinking I may see her. The other chorus girls were impressed that I was showing up early, thinking it showed some sort of dedication to the show. I think they even started to hate me less. They still detested any attempts at conversation in the wings, but in the dressing room, I started to have a few breakthroughs. In particular, I started a semi-friendship with Erin. Ironically, she had been one of the three women I thought may be the thirteenth, until I realized the thirteenth wasn’t really one of us at all.
She was the only person who I could actually ask about Catalina. “Did she ever say anything about the theater? The building, I mean? Did she have a favorite part of it?”
Erin would laugh at my seemingly random specificity. “We weren’t close, Michelle. I have no idea what she thought about the theater.”
“What did she do on her breaks?”
Erin thought for a second. “I don’t know. I never saw her at the vending machines, or the dressing room. I guess she found some quiet place to run lines.”
That confirmed it, for me. A quiet place like the catwalk. Or the orchestra pit. We were three weeks into our five week run when I came up with a plan to catch Catalina. It wasn’t a great plan, and I had no idea if it would work, but showing up an hour early every day was making me tired and producing zero results. I needed a new strategy. I realized that after seeing her in the pit, I only ever saw the thirteenth when all twelve of us were together.
So I told a white lie. One night after the show, when everyone was changing in the dressing room, I appealed to my fellow chorus girls. “Are you guys busy before the show tomorrow?” I innocently asked. “I’m feeling a little shaky on some of the entrances. If we could all get here just twenty minutes before our call time tomorrow, I’d love to run some stuff with you guys. I’ve been running it on my own, but without the entire team, I don’t always remember where I fit.”
To my surprise and intense joy, everyone agreed. They really did seem to respect me more when I looked like I was taking my role seriously. I could barely sleep that night, I was so excited to see if my plan worked. And hey, if it didn’t, I had two more weeks of shows to think up something else.
It was a Sunday night, our last show of the week. Mondays are often “dark days” in professional theater, meaning there are no shows that day to give the team a rest. I had planned this on purpose– if I failed, I had a dark day to reflect on that failure and try again.
At 5:40, twenty minutes before our call time, all the girls were assembled and in costume. We started running entrances. After ten minutes, I thought my plan had failed. We had run our first three entrances, and I never counted more than twelve heads in the wings. But around 5:55, as we got to our entrances in act two, offstage, I locked eyes with a mask. A thirteenth mask.
I quickly told everyone “I think I got it, you guys, thank you so much for coming early!” Everyone mumbled that it was no problem, that they were happy to help.
The thirteenth mask broke eye contact with me, looking around in confusion– perhaps distress. The girls started to trickle back towards the dressing room. The thirteenth turned and power-walked away. I shoved through the crowd to catch her, not calling out like I had in the past. I knew she didn’t respond to that. I knew I had to catch her now or never. Once we were out of the crowd’s eyeline, I began to run. She ran, too. “You’re not getting away this time!” I yelled, like some kind of cartoon superhero. My adrenaline was pumping, and blood rushed to my ears.
After I yelled, I suddenly became aware of another set of running feet behind me. “Michelle? Where are you going?” It was Erin’s voice.
“Don’t follow me!” I hastily called back, picking up speed. The thirteenth also picked up speed. Though she was running just as fast as I was, she showed no signs of exertion. I couldn’t hear heavy breathing, or heavy feet on the floor. It was like she was gliding. It infuriated me.
Erin didn’t let up. “Michelle, the stage manager is gonna wonder where we are!”
I ignored her. The thirteenth rounded a corner, and I realized where she was going: the catwalk. The ladder.
She ascended the rungs rapidly, like a spider. I clamored up much less gracefully. Erin’s voice had a heavy tinge of concern. “Michelle, what are you doing?! It’s not safe up there!”
“Then don’t follow me!” I yelled back, exasperated. “This is between me and her!” Despite my vocal warning, I heard Erin climbing behind me.
Once on the metal rail, I looked both ways, terrified she’d escaped me again. But her white toga was just a few feet away, retreating into darkness. I lunged at her. The entire catwalk shook. The thirteenth and I both grabbed the railing to steady ourselves. We met eyes. Or rather, we met masks.
“You have nowhere to go.” I stated.
I heard Erin reaching the top of the ladder behind me. “Michelle, come down, please. You’re scaring me.”
“I can’t. I finally have her.” I took a step towards the thirteenth. She took an equal and opposite step back. “Take the mask off.” I beckoned her. “I know it’s you, Catalina.”
I felt the rail shake slightly as Erin got on it. “What are you talking about, Michelle?!”
“She’s been sneaking in, Erin! She’s been standing in the wings with us before we enter! For weeks!” I took another step towards the thirteenth. In my peripheral vision, I could see how high we were above the stage. Thirty feet. You could die, falling from that height.
“It’s not Catalina. It can’t be. Stop this.” Erin called. Finally, frustrated, I turned towards her.
“Who else could it be?!”
Erin had taken her mask off. Her face was streaked with terror. “Catalina died, Michelle. She fell off this catwalk, directly onto her face, and she died. Please come down with me. I don’t know who you’re talking to, and I don’t know what you’re trying to do, but it isn’t worth it.”
“What are you talking about? I’m talking to–”
I turned back, and she was gone. Vanished like a bad dream. “I swear to God, Erin.” I started to say. “She was right in front of me. I chased her here–”
I turned back to Erin. The thirteenth was behind her.
It made no sense. Nobody can move that fast. Nobody can be in front of me one second and behind me the next. It was inhuman. I stopped speaking. I stopped breathing. It sucks to learn that in a fight-or-flight situation, my answer is to freeze.
Erin must’ve seen how my face changed. “Michelle?” She asked quietly. “What’s wrong?”
Behind her, the thirteenth raised a hand to her mask. Her hands were impossibly pale. How had I never noticed that before? She gripped the mask in her hand. Time stretched. It must’ve only been a second, because Erin didn’t move. But it felt like years of my life passed me by as the thirteenth, inch by inch, raised her mask from her face. Or– raised her mask.
Because there was no face.
Under the mask, pale and gruesome, was a bloody flat edge. Broken, disgusting, it was impossible to make out eyes, or a nose, or a mouth. Inside a somewhat face-shaped frame of stark-white skin, all I could see was flesh, red and raw, squished in on itself. Like someone had fallen from a very high height. And landed on their face.
By the time I finally began to react, it was too late. The thirteenth– or, Catalina– or, the ghost, or– whatever the fuck that thing was. It moved its hands from the mask to Erin’s shoulders. And it pushed. And she screamed, agonizingly loud, as she flew over the side of the railing. And she screamed for the second or so she was in the air. I was screaming, too. And after the crunch of her body hitting the wooden floor of the stage, everyone else screamed, cast and crew alike.
I stared down at her limp form from thirty feet up. Her legs were twisted the wrong way. A pool of blood began to seep out of her. When I looked up again, I expected the thirteenth to be gone, but it wasn’t. With no eyes, it was also looking down at Erin. At what it had done.
And then, slowly, it turned towards me. On all fours, backwards, I scrambled away from it on the catwalk, terrified, not wanting to be next. The thirteenth’s shoulders shook rapidly, like a person laughing. But it made no sound. It never made a sound. Not going up the stairs of the orchestra pit. Not when it pushed Erin. And not as it climbed back down the ladder, rung by rung. I found myself alone on the catwalk.
Erin survived, somehow, paralyzed from the waist down. Apparently she fell on her legs, which, when you’re falling from thirty feet up, is a good thing. If she’d gone down head first, there was no chance. The show had to close, of course. When they lost Catalina a few weeks into rehearsal, she was replaceable. But with me refusing to go on, and Erin in the hospital, there was nothing to be done. I haven’t seen Erin since that day. I feel too guilty. But I was never arrested, so I guess she told the authorities that I didn’t push her. I don’t know what she told them. I don’t know what I would’ve told them, had they asked me.
I don’t do stage plays anymore. The family I used to nanny for gave me a star-studded recommendation, and now I make my living taking care of a five-year-old and a two-year-old for another filthy-rich family. I still act, but I only audition for film work.
I don’t even see plays these days. I won’t set foot in a theater. If the thirteenth had vanished off that catwalk, maybe things would be different. Maybe I could chalk it up to an extreme hallucination, some terrifying creature my mind brewed up to cope with the stress of the show and paying rent. Maybe I could even forget its bloody mess of viscera in the vague shape of a face.
But I saw it go down that ladder. Rung by fucking rung. And I know it’s still out there.
Erin was unlucky. Erin was a victim of being at the wrong place at the wrong time. And if I step inside a theater again, some way, somehow, I know the thirteenth will get me on another catwalk.
This time, I’ll be the one going over the railing.
And I’ve never once landed on my feet.

Below, I am going to prove that Ganesha is originating from the non-Vedic, i.e. Dravidian beliefs:

Ganesha

Ganesha or Vinayaka is the famous Elephant-headed deity. His role is to remove obstacles and bestow knowledge. According to legend, Parvati made a boy out of clay to guard the entrance to her house while she bathed. Shiva arrived to meet Parvati but the boy tried to stop him. Shiva out of anger used his trident to cut the boy’s head off. To pacify a grieving Parvati, Shiva obtains an elephant head and attached it to the headless copse of the boy and bestowed upon him life. Later, Shiva made Ganesha the leader of the Ganas, thus giving him the title of Ganapati.
Now it is the Ganas of Shiva, of which Ganesha leads, that offers a huge clue to his origins. The Ganas are in fact a host of spirits, and much like them, Ganesha originated as a spirit rather than a typical deity. But we shall get into that later.

Ganapati

The name Ganapati is found in the Rig Veda, but no connections to the elephant headed deity is known. Rather the word means what it literally means: a leader of a troop. For example in Rig Veda 2.23.1:
“gaṇānāṃ tvā gaṇapatiṃ havāmahe kaviṃ kavīnām upamaśravastamam jyeṣṭharājam brahmaṇām brahmaṇas pata ā naḥ śṛṇvann ūtibhiḥ sīda sādanam”
“We invoke the Brahmaṇaspati, chief leader of the (heavenly) bands; a sage of sage; abounding beyond measure in (every kind of) food;best lord of prayer; hearing our invocations, come with your protections, and sit down in the chamber of sacrifice”
Similarly in Rig Veda 10. 112.9:
“ni ṣu sīda gaṇapate gaṇeṣu tvām āhur vipratamaṃ kavīnām na ṛte tvat kriyate kiṃ canāre mahām arkam maghavañ citram arca”
“Lord of the companies (of the Maruts), sit down among the companies (of the worshippers), they call you the most sage of sages; without you nothing is done in the distance; have in honour, Maghavan, our great and various adoration. of wealth, (the wishes of) your friends; make war (for us), you warrior endowed with real strength, give us a share in the undivided riches”
So it seems that we can’t try our luck with the word Ganapti at this early on. However, there is an older term for Ganesha that offers us a great amount of evidence: Vinayaka. Even today, in south India, Ganesha’s older name Vinayaka is more popular, at least in Andhra Pradesh.

Vinayakas

If one looks at the older Indian literature, they will notice that Vinayaka appears in the plural, referring to a class of spirits on par with Bhutas and Pretas. The earliest text to mention them is the Manava Grihya Sutra.
“Atha ataH vinAyakAn vyAkhyAsyAmaH shAlakuNTas ca kuSmaNDarAjaputras ca uSmitas ca devayajanas ca iti etair adhigatAnAm imAni bhavanti loSTam mRdgAti”(MGS 2.14.1-4)
“Now hence we will account the Vinayakas. Shalakunta, Kushmandarajaputra, Usmita, and devayajana thus. By these, they will become of the learned. Softly he recites”
The 11th chapter of the Yajnavalkya Smriti, a person under the influence of a Vinayak will have negative symptoms, namely depression and absent mindedness. The examples get specific: a prince will have no kingdom, a girl wont find a husband, women won’t have children, a student will not learn well, a merchant may not obtain profit.
The very first verse of the 11th chapter in fact states:
“Vinayaka has been appointed for the purpose of bringing about obstacles in the performance of sacred rites, and he has been put at the head of all the hosts of Devas (Gana) by Rudra and Brahma as well as (by Visnu)”(Verse 271)
Here we see 4 Vinayaka becoming one. Later on in an enumeration of Vinayakas names, we see Kushmanda and Rajaputra. Admittedly the single name kushmandarajaputra split into two, but nonetheless there is preservation of an older tradition.
The 11th Chapter oes on explaining how to worship the deity should one be under his influence.From this, we see the formation on the familiar motifs surrounding Ganesha. In the Ritual, there is the throwing earth into 4 pots of water, and the chanting of the various names of Vinayaka. However, verse 287 has something interesting:
“ Then having taken all the following things and bowing his head on the ground let him invoke Ambika, the mother of Vinayaka : — Husk and unhusked rice as well as cooked rice mixed with sesa- mum paste, fish, raw and cooked fish, so also raw and cooked flesh. ”( YS Verse 287)
First thing to note is that Vinayaka is the son of Ambika. Ambika is the precursor to Parvati and Durga. This is interesting as at this time period we are seeing the commonly known belief that Ganesha is the son of Parvati. Keep in mind that Ambika herself is a deity of Dravidian origin (PDr amma > Skt. amba> Skt. ambika). The other interesting thing to notice is meet offerings, including that of fish and raw meat. We will get to this later.
Vinayakas spirit connection is also understood from his mention along side the Grahas (not the planets) and Kartikeya.
“Having thus worshipped Vinayaka and the Grahas according to rule^ he obtains the fruit of all actions as well as gets the highest fortune. ” (Verse 293).
Similarly,
“ He who always offers Puja of the Aditya and makes tilaka of Swami Kartikeya and MahE Ganapati, obtains all success. ” (Verse 294).
The Grahas are a disease-causing class of spirits, of which one of them is Skanda. Later on we shall see that the god Kartikeya (Skanda) originated as Grahas and other forms of spirit worship. The association of Vinayaka with the Grahas and Skanda suggests two things.
The first is that Vinayaka is a spirit or supernatural entity. His prominence made him foremost of the spirits, i.e. Ganas.
The Bhagavatam 8.12.2 establishes the spirit like nature of the Ganas, of which Vinayaka leads.
“vṛṣam āruhya giriśaḥ sarva-bhūta-gaṇair vṛtaḥ saha devyā yayau draṣṭuṁ yatrāste madhusūdanaḥ”
“Having mounted the bull, the lord of the mountain (Shiva) surrounded by all the bands of spirits (sarvabhutaganair) went along with Devi to see where Mashusudana is”
The second is that we see the origin, at least in part, of the modern Hindu belief that Skanda and Ganesha are brothers.
The other motif interestingly seen is that Vinayka is offered Modakas (verse 289). Modakas are balls of rice, and modern Hindus will mention how Ganesha is fond of them.The mention of a white cloth being used in the ritual may be the origin for modern iconographic deptions of Ganesha with a white garment.

Non Vedic Origins

Besides the ritual being very earthly, the other interesting thing to note in the 293th Verse of the Yajnavalkya Smriti is the offering of Raw Meat and cooked fish. Vedic rituals do use meat, but those are offered in the fire. Here, no such thing is recorded.
In addition, the use of fish is a staunch prohibition in the Manusmriti
“He who eats the flesh of an animal, is called the ‘eater of its flesh’; he who eats fish is the ‘eater of all kinds of flesh’; hence one shall avoid fish” (5.15)
Admittedly, in the next verse Manu makes an exception to two kinds of fish: Rohita and Pathina.
“The ‘Pāṭhīna’ and the ‘Rohita’ are fit to be eaten when used as offerings to gods or Pitṛs; the ‘Rājīva’, the ‘Siṃhatuṇḍa’ and the ‘Saśalka,’ (one may eaṭ) on all occasions”(5.16).
However the fish are specific and are an occasion for festivities. These seem to not be used for appeasing spirits. Besides there is no specification of the fish to be offered to Vinayaka in the commentary of Vejnanevara. Besides, the mention of raw flesh is a huge indicator to the non Vedic origin of the Vinayaka worship. Verse 288 also mentions offering wine, to which the commentator explains to be of the Gaudi type, made from molasses. This wine, as it is made from molasses, is forbidden for brahmins.
Gaudi is not the same as Soma or Sura, the latter is made from grains and is not necessarily sinful for a Brahmana to drink (Manusmriti 11.90, commentary by Medhatithi and notes by Ganganath Jha).
Returning to the offering of raw meat and fish, scholar Kenneth G. Zysk in his “religious Healing in the Veda” records a nuanced set of rituals pertaining to healing and exorcism associated with the Rig and Atharva Vedas. Despite the nuanced list of rituals, not a single one of them involves meat offerings. Admittedly though, there is an instance where animal hide to make a pouch to store herbs. Beyond that, it seems that Vedic rituals pertaining to dealing with problematic spirits were vegetarian in nature. Thus, the presence of meat in the appeasement of Vinayaka suggests that the Vinayakas as a class of spirit are of non Vedic origin.

Dravidian and Tribal Parallels

Spirit worship is a feature in Dravidian folk customs and in tribal religion. In Kerala there is the festival of Theyyam where the spirit of a goddess enters a man, making him dance frantically. Tulu Nadu has Bhuta Kola, where gods and other spirits enter priestley men who also dance frantically. The Gonds, Santhals, Mundas, and other Central Indian tribes also believe that spirits dwell everywhere and influence the lives of living beings. They can be good or bad.
In Andhra Pradesh, scholar Wilber T. Elmore notes that when a person is sick and no remedies work, a Bhuta Vaidyudu (demon doctor) is called to do an exorcism ritual. In that ritual there are uses of muggus, blood offerings, and pot offerings with rice.
“The demon doctor makes three kinds of the sacred muggu, and after a bewildering number o f small ceremonies he makes an image of dough . He then forms nine small lamps o f dough and pours three kinds of oil into them. The lamps are lighted and placed on an offering o f food in front o f the image . A sheep is sacrificed, its blood caught in a broken pot and mixed with rice . This bloody rice is then sprinkled in the four corners of the room” (Emlore pg 53).
Later it is mentioned that:
“He then places the image of dough, one lamp, and the head of the sheep, in a pot, and the procession starts for the burying ground. Two men carry this pot and two others follow with the pot containing the bloody rice. After reaching the burying ground, they dig a hole and bury both pots with their contents, performing the usual burying ceremonies . After all is over another bloody nail is driven into the earth above the buried pots” (Elmore pg 54).
The ritual mentioned to have occurred in rural villages in Andhra Pradesh is more gruesome than the ones for the Vinayakas mentioned in the Yajnavalkya Smriti. Admittedly, this may be because the Brahamnical influence may have toned the ritual down. In any case we see an earthly folk ritual involving pots, rice, and raw meat. This is good evidence to suggest that the Vinayakas were a belief originating amongst the non Vedic cultures of India.

Origin of the Elephant Head

The solidification of Vinayaka having an elephant head occurred around the Gupta period; however what factors led to Ganesha having an elephant head in the first place.The interesting thing about the iconography of spirits in Ancient India was that depicting them with animal heads was not unusual. The Bharata Natyasashtra for example advises the costumes of spirits to have various animal heads.
“Bhūtas are known to be of various colours. They are dwarfs with odd faces and may have faces of boars, rams, buffaloes and deer as well” (Natyasashtra 23.98).
In Khmer Art, Yaksas are depicted with heads of various animals including the elephant. And on the Mathuran Frieze #2335, 5 yakshas accompanying Kubera are shown with elephant heads.
So the idea of Vinayaka having any animal head need not be questioned. However, what needs to be figured out is why the elephant is chosen out of all animals. Perhaps Vinayakas, back when there were more than one, may have had heads of other animals but this is speculation.
The most obvious answer to this question is that elephants in India were, and still are, a sign of high status and immense power. A kings wealth is measured by how many elephants he had. Elephants were used for war, construction, and ceremonial purposes. Such an animal that people looked to with awe should no doubt be the prime choice of selection when depicting Vinayaka. In simple terms, the majesty of elephants made the spirit having an elephant head popular.
Other sources of influence come from other figures in Hindu-Buddhist lore. One Vinayaka mentioned in the Manavagrihya sutra was Kusmandarajaputra. The name gets broken into two: Kushmanda and Rajaputra. The Kushmandas (or Kumbhandas) are a class of spirits in Buddhist lore. They are headed by Virudaka, who wears and elephant helmet. Virduaka guards the southern direction; interestingly, later Puranas mention Ganesha as the guardian of the South.
Another name invoked when one is possessed by a Vinayaka is “Virupaksa”. Virupaksha is also the name of the western Diggaja, a group of 8 elephants said to hold up the earth in each of the 8 directions. In Buddhist lore, Virupaksha is not an elephant but said to be lord of the Nagas. While Naga is taken usually to mean snakes, it could also refer to elephants. The relation of the names of the Vinayakas to existing elephantine figures could have partly motivated the success of the elephantine Vinayaka.
Other elephant cults may have popularized the elephant headed Ganesha as well. For example, Pilusara. Pilusara was an elephant deity worshiped in the mountains of Gandhara. Hieun Tsiang writes in the 34th chapter of his Buddhist Records of the Western World
“To the south-west of the town is Mount Pi-lo-sa-lo (Pīlusāra);[42] the mountain spirit takes the form of an elephant, hence the name. In old days, when Tathāgata was alive, the spirit, called Pīlusāra (siang-kien, i.e., elephant-fixed), asked the Lord of the World and 1200 Arhats (to partake of his hospitality). On the mountain crag is a great solid rock; here it was Tathāgata received the offerings of the spirit. Afterwards Aśoka-rāja erected on this same rock a stūpa about 100 feet in height. It is now called the stūpa of the Elephant-strength (Pīlusāra). They say that in this also is about a pint measure of the relics of Tathāgata”
Later, the Indo Greeks adopted Pilusara as their own deity, identifying him with Zeus. In addition, Greek records indicate there is a a record of the tribe Hastikas which may have been an elephant worshiping tribe. The existing elephant cults may have helped propel the formation of Ganesha the way we know him today, as well as popularizing him.

References:

​
ORIGIN OF GAṆEŚA by M. K. Dhavalikar 1990: https://www.jstor.org/stable/41693515...
AN INVESTIGATION INTO THE FIFTY-SIX VINAYAKAS IN BANARAS AND THEIR ORIGINS by Isabelle Bermijn: https://eprints.soas.ac.uk/29335/1/10...
Rig Veda
Taitareya Aranyaka
Yajnavalkhya smrti
Hieun Tsian’s Buddhist Records of the Western World
The origin of the Ganapati Cult https://www.jstor.org/stable/1178368?...
https://www.jstor.org/stable/20486646…
https://www.jstor.org/stable/1177671
https://www.jstor.org/stable/40444039
DRAVIDIAN GODS IN MODERN HINDUISM A STUDY OF THE LOCAL AND VILLAGE DEITIES O F SOUTHERN INDIA by Wilber Theodore Elmore.

During the Viking Age, as raiders were routinely attacking religious houses, monastaries, and the like, would it have been even a rare practice for a monastary to employ any sort of armed guard? Reading in various places - specifically Women in the Middle Ages: The lives of real women in a vibrant age of transition, though I have seen it in passing in other places - I found that sometimes an abbacy, monastary, or convent, "as barons of the king ... summoned their own armed knights to war," so it seems the idea might have at least been in the mind of those who ran these institutions. Would they have called for any additional defense or did they just rely on their faith to defend them?

Hi, first time poster here on a throwaway account. I am a 26 year old male-to-feminine transsexual/transwoman/whatever you want to call it. I am extremely lost and confused. I don’t know if my feelings are genuine or a function of obsession and compulsions. But here goes my story:
I was always extremely feminine. I was obsessed with feminine beauty since I was a child and would change into dresses at pre-school, wear my moms heels, kiss boys, don myself in boas and costume, etc. I acted this way until grade school where I realized this was “wrong”. I tried assimilating but I was still bullied for my natural effeminacy. I did have “crushes” or affection toward for 2 or 3 girls but it was never sexual. By the time I hit puberty in grade 7 I never went looking for straight porn. It was always naked men or gay porn. I was completely uninterested in women in that way. I came out as gay at 14 or 15.
Puberty was extremely traumatic for me. Growing facial and body hair at 12 made me want to die. As my body continued masculinizing it got worse. My youthful femininity was one of the only things I liked about myself. I was desperate to evade “twink death” and started medically transitioning at 18. I take hormones and have had extensive surgery but I remain pre-op. I’m petite and pass well.
Over the last few months I’ve become autistically obsessed with the concept of detransition, conversion therapy, and living morally “right”. It’s forced me to question myself, my identity and my decisions. What I once thought was innate and immutable, I no longer believe to be the case.
I wasn’t an ardent subscriber to Blanchardian theory but I ticked a lot of boxes to be considered HSTS. However, as I began questioning myself, I also tried testing my own limits. I managed to achieve an orgasm to the image of a woman. This has sent me down a huge spiral. I no longer know who I am and feel so disgusted with myself. I still do not have an interest in pursuing a relationship with a woman (romantic or sexual) but how do I know what will happen? I know for sure that a lot of my transition was motivated by social acceptance and catering to the “male gaze” so I’ve begun to regret a lot of my body modifications as well.
This has all been so confusing to me as someone who thought they had figured out their sexuality years ago. Have any gay men or autogynephiles experienced something similar? Please let me know. I need help desperately while waiting for therapy.
TLDR; I’m a transwoman who has only ever been attracted to men and I am now spiralling at the thought of potentially liking women, too.

Full dislcaimer below. TL;DR: We're not Bethesda staff, this is an automated post.

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From Bethesda.net

Read on to catch a preview of the latest and greatest items and offers that are currently available in the Atomic Shop, including this week's free items.

Free Items

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Fireworks, get your fireworks here! The Catherine Wheel Fireworks Stand is available for all Fallout 1st Members until July 4.
Perk up! Get one Perk Card Pack, free for all players until June 13.

Item	Available Until
Catherine Wheel Fireworks Stand (Fallout 1st)	July 4
Perk Card Pack x1	June 13

Visit the Atomic Shop on these days to claim a different reward, like consumables, in-game currencies, and more. Each of the items below is available until 12:00 p.m. ET the following day.

Item	Available on
Caps x250	June 6
Carry Weight Booster	June 7
Lunchbox	June 8
Scrap Kit	June 9
Vault-Tec Supply Package (Level 2)	June 10
Lunchbox	June 11
Repair Kit	June 12

Don't forget to claim these items to celebrate Pride Month, free for all players!

Item

Pride Flag Bundle Pride Flag Icon Bundle Pride Photomode Frame

Limited Time Offers

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These bundles are all 30% for a limited time only, so grab them while you can!

Item	Atom price
Big and Tall C.A.M.P. Bundle	2500 1750 (30% off!)
Brotherhood Reclaimed Deluxe Bundle	2400 1680 (30% off!)
Missile Silo Shelter Bundle	2000 1400 (30% off!)
Burbling Brew-haha Nukashine Bundle	1500 1050 (30% off!)
Country Flair Bundle	1500 1050 (30% off!)
Grelok Villain Bundle	1500 1050 (30% off!)
Ghillie Netting Bundle	1800 1260 (30% off!)
Stash Box Bundle	1000 700 (30% off!)
Summer BBQ Bundle	1000 700 (30% off!)
Framed Paintings C.A.M.P. Bundle	1200 840 (30% off!)
Snow Fighter Bundle	1500 1050 (30% off!)
Clean Ranch Housing Bundle	1500 1050 (30% off!)
Halloween Costume Bundle	1800 1260 (30% off!)
Season 3 Vault Décor Bundle	1800 1260 (30% off!)
Season 2 Antagonist Bundle	1200 840 (30% off!)
Power Patrol Outfit Bundle	1000 700 (30% off!)
Photomode Frame Bundle	600 420 (30% off!)
Photomode Four Pose Bundle	900 630 (30% off!)

Last Week

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Some of last week's items are still available for a limited time.

Item	Atom Price
Drive-in Dolly Bundle	1400
Mistress of Mystery Bundle	1800
Drive-In Dolly Outfit	700
Neon Sign - Nuka Quantum	300
Hot Rod Power Armor Bench Model	700
Sugar Bombs Pip-Boy Paint	600
Tire Toilet Outhouse	300
Unstoppables! Bed	300
The Unstoppables Stash	500

The Drive-in Dolly Bundle includes: * Drive-In Dolly Outfit * Neon Sign - Nuka Quantum * Hot Rod Power Armor Station * Wave Pose * So Hungry Emote * Sugar Bombs Pip-Boy Paint * Tire Toilet Outhouse * Corvega Diner Seat * Hot rod on blocks
The Mistress of Mystery Bundle includes: * Mistress of Mystery PA Paint Set * Mistress of Mystery Sidekick Costume and Underarmor * Mistress of Mystery Sidekick Mask * Mistress of Mystery Player Icon * Unstoppables! Bed * The Unstoppables Stash

Greatest Hits

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Some of our favorite items have returned to the shop for a limited time. Each item listed below is available until 12:00 p.m. ET on June 13.

Item	Atom Price
Park Ranger Bundle	1800 1440 (20% off!)
Season 2 Antagonist Bundle	1200 960 (20% off!)
Vault-Tec Bomber Jacket Bundle	1000 800 (20% off!)
Hellfire Regulator Prototype Power Armor Paint Set	1200 960 (20% off!)
Viking Costume	700 560 (20% off!)
The Flying Fortress	700 560 (20% off!)
Sports Nostalgia Wallpaper	500 400 (20% off!)
Pip-Boy Pose	150 120 (20% off!)
Bye Now Emote	100 80 (20% off!)

Headed for the Vault

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Some existing items are heading out of the Atomic Shop and into the Vault this week. Be sure to pick up anything that catches your eye, because these items will only be available until 12:00 p.m. ET on June 13.

Item	Atom Price
Bowling Team Bundle	1200
Bad Idea Bundle	1200
Doll Set Bundle	600
Bowling Ball Loot Bag	500
Big Fill & Bigger Fill Ceiling Light	350
Antique Gas Pump Brewing Workbench	500
Flame-ingo Paint (Flamer)	500
Daredevil Bodysuit w/ Helmet	800
Annebelle Porcelain Doll	250

The Bowling Team Bundle includes: * Bowling Ball Rack Display Case with 5 Balls * Black Alley Cats Bowling Ball * Vault 76 Blue Bowling Ball * Gold Hornwright Bowling Ball * Red Atom Bomb Bowling Ball * Resin Vault Boy Bowling Ball * Alley Cats Bowling team outfit * Big Fill Lights * Bowling Ball Loot Bag
The Bad Idea Bundle includes: * Antique Gas Pump Brewing Workbench * Flame-ingo Weapon Skin * Nuclear Glare Pose * Daredevil Bodysuit w/ Helmet
The Doll Set Bundle includes: * Annabelle Porcelain Doll * Porcelain Doll * Heirloom Blue Porcelain Doll

Weekly Offers

Check out the daily deals this week in the Atomic Shop! Each of the items below is available until 12:00 p.m. ET the following day.

Item	Atom Price	Available From	Available Until
Revolver Set - July 4th (Fallout 1st)	500 250 (50% off!)	June 6	June 13
Nuka-Cola Quantum Bundle (Fallout 1st)	500 375 (25% off!)	June 6	June 13
Dying of Thirst! Emote	300 150 (50% off!)	June 6	June 7
Ambulance Gurney Set	250 125 (50% off!)	June 7	June 8
Directors Hunting Rifle	500 250 (50% off!)	June 8	June 9
Black Shovel Backpack	500 250 (50% off!)	June 9	June 10
Roadtripper Blouse and Capris	400 200 (50% off!)	June 10	June 11
Camden Park Cooking Stove	500 250 (50% off!)	June 11	June 12
Responders Power Armor	1500 750 (50% off!)	June 12	June 13

Previous Posts

Title	Post Date
Atomic Shop Weekly Update: May 30 – June 6	2023-05-30 17:50:11
Atomic Shop Weekly Update: May 23 – May 30	2023-05-23 16:10:05
Atomic Shop Weekly Update: May 16 – May 23	2023-05-16 16:50:05
Atomic Shop Weekly Update: May 9 – May 16	2023-05-09 19:00:04
Atomic Shop Weekly Update: May 2 – May 9	2023-05-03 15:10:04

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112 Operator
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A Story About My Uncle
Action Henk
Age of Wonders II: The Wizard's Throne
Age of Wonders III
The Amazing American Circus
Amnesia: The Dark Descent + Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs
Antagonist
Archangel: Hellfire - Fully Loaded
Ashampoo Photo Optimizer 7
Aurion: Legacy of the Kori-Odan
Auto Age: Standoff
Awesomenauts Yogscast Pack - Coco Nebulon
Awesomenauts Yogscast Pack - Rocco
Awesomenauts Yogscast Pack - Skolldir
Awesomenauts Yogscast Pack - Ted McPain
The Bard's Tale
Battlerite DLC: YogYog Bear Mount
Bionic Commando
Blockstorm
Boundless
Breach & Clear
Broken Age
Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons
Car Mechanic Simulator 2018
Chime Sharp
Citizens of Earth
ClusterPuck 99
Cook, Serve, Delicious! 3?!
Corridor Z
Crashlands
Crusaders of the Lost Idols - Elite Starter Pack
Crying Suns
Cursed Castilla (Maldita Castilla EX)
Dagon: by H. P. Lovecraft - The Eldritch Box DLC
Dandara
Deadly Sin
Deadly Sin 2
Dear Esther: Landmark Edition
Defend Your Life: TD
Deponia: The Complete Journey
Draw Slasher
Drawful 2
Driftland: The Magic Revival
Dungeon of the Endless
Endless Space 2
Europa Universalis IV
Expeditions: Viking
Figment
Figment Soundtrack
The Final Station
FreeCell Quest
Fury Unleashed
Go Home Dinosaurs
Going Under
Golf With Your Friends - OST
GRIP: Combat Racing Artifex DLC
Guns of Icarus Alliance
Guns of Icarus Alliance Soundtrack
Guns of Icarus Alliance Yogscast 2017 Costume Pack
Gurgamoth
Headlander
Hector: Badge of Carnage
Hexologic
HIVESWAP: Act 1
Idle Champions of the Forgotten Realms -- Celeste Starter Pack
Inmost
The Interactive Adventures of Dog Mendonça and Pizza Boy
Iron Danger
Jurassic World Evolution - Deluxe Dinosaur Pack
Last Horizon
Last Word
Legacy of Dorn: Herald of Oblivion
Lion Quest
Love Letter
Lust for Darkness
Lust from Beyond: M Edition
Main Assembly
Max Payne 3
Mimic Arena
Ministry of Broadcast
Mirage: Arcane Warfare
Moon Hunters
Motorcycle Mechanic Simulator 2021
NASCAR Heat 2 - October Jumbo Expansion
NecroWorm
Neon Drive (Steam)
Neverout
Neverwinter Feywild Starter Pack
Nex Machina
No Time To Explain Remastered
Offensive Combat: Redux!
Old Man's Journey
OlliOlli2: Welcome to Olliwood
On Rusty Trails
Orbital Racer
Out of Reach: Treasure Royale
Out of the Park Baseball 18
Pale Echoes
Pandemic: Roles & Events
Pandemic: The Board Game
Pathway
Pikuniku
Post Void
Radio Commander
Rakuen
Raw Data
Remnants of Isolation
Renegade Ops Collection
Roarr! Jurassic Edition
RPG Maker 2000
RPG Maker VX
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Ryse: Son of Rome
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Say No! More
Scanner Sombre
She Remembered Caterpillars
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Slinger VR
Space Gladiators: Escaping Tartarus
Spectrum
Steel Rats
Super Raft Boat
SUPERHOT
SuperLuminauts
Supraland
SYSTEM SHOCK: ENHANCED EDITION
Tales from Candlekeep: Tomb of Annihilation - Asharra’s Diplomat Pack
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Tales from Candlekeep: Tomb of Annihilation - Dragonbait’s Dungeoneer Pack
Tales from Candlekeep: Tomb of Annihilation - Tales of Artus Cimber’s Explorer Pack
Tannenberg
Team Fortress 2 badges - Mandrew's Munificent Mug and Israphel's Eleemosynary Expression
Team Racing League
Telefrag VR
Telltale Texas Hold'em
Tesla Effect: A Tex Murphy Adventure
This War of Mine
Tiltagon
Tiny Echo
Tooth and Tail
Tormentor X Punisher
Toy Odyssey: The Lost and Found
Treasure Hunter Simulator
The USB Stick Found in the Grass
Uurnog Uurnlimited
Vagante
Wanderlust: Travel Stories
Wandersong
War for the Overworld - Yogscast Worker Skin
Wargroove
Warhammer® 40,000: Dawn of War® - Game of the Year Edition
Warhammer 40,000: Dawn of War II
Warhammer 40,000: Kill Team
Warhammer: End Times - Vermintide
WARSAW
We Are Alright
West of Dead
World to the West
X-Morph: Defense + European Assault, Survival of the Fittest, and Last Bastion DLC
Yoku's Island Express
Zeno Clash 2
Zombie Night Terror
I also have Humble Choice leftovers from the following that I haven't sorted through yet:
APRIL 2020 HUMBLE CHOICE (Driftland, Turok 2, Truberbrook, Shoppe Keep 2, Capitalism 2)
APRIL 2021 HUMBLE CHOICE ( Shenmue III, Main Assembly, Rock Of Ages 3, In Other Waters, Aven Colony, Simulcra I+II, Colt Canyon, Skully, Popup Dungeon)
AUGUST 2020 HUMBLE CHOICE (Hello Neighbor + Hide And Seek, Littlebig Workshop, American Fugitive, The Coma 2, A Case Of Distrust)
DECEMBER 2021 HUMBLE CHOICE (Beyond The Wire, The Survivalists, Lacuna, 8 Doors, Greak, Tohu, Voidigo)
FEBRUARY 2021 HUMBLE CHOICE (Moving Out, The Wild 8, Train Station Renovation, Werewolf The Apocalypse Heart Of The Forest, Lovecraft's Untold Stories, Iris And The Giant, Boomerang Fu)
JANUARY 2021 HUMBLE CHOICE (Total Tank Simulator, Song Of Horror, Vampire The Masquerade: Shadows Of New York, Tales Of The Neon Sea, Deleveled, The Ambassador)
JUNE 2020 HUMBLE CHOICE (Supraland, Grid, The Messenger, Felix The Reaper, Remnants Of Naezith, Overload, The Stillness Of The Wind, The King's Bird)
MARCH 2021 HUMBLE CHOICE (WWE 2k, Hotshot Racing, Peaky Blinders, Cyber Hook, Pesterquest, Boreal Blade, Ageless)
MAY 2020 HUMBLE CHOICE (Xcom 2, Niche, Swords Of Ditto, Neoverse, Horace)
NOVEMBER 2020 HUMBLE CHOICE (Imperator: Rome, Darksburg, Smile For Me, Tsioque, Rover Mechanic Simulator, Youropa, Townsmen)
OCTOBER 2020 HUMBLE CHOICE (Iron Danger, Autonauts, Shadows: Awakening, Fantasy Blacksmith, The Suicide Of Rachel Foster, Goat Of Duty, The Uncertain, Lightmatter)
SEPTEMBER 2020 HUMBLE CHOICE (Lethal League, Fun With Ragdolls, Evoland, Yooka-Laylee And The Impossible Lair, The Occupation, The Shapeshifting Detective)
SEPTEMBER 2021 HUMBLE CHOICE (Neon Abyss, Atomicrops, Heaven's Vault, Swag And Sorcery, Fort Triumph, Orwell: Ignorance Is Strength, Framed Collection)
My region is North America.

The Woman That Never Was:
***
The woman that never was, the little girl that never lived to be
She wanted to be called “she,” yet they called her “he”
***
If she never existed, why then do I remember her?
Why do I look back at the sequence of dreams called “life”
And see her there at every moment?
***
Wearing phantom dresses, loved by phantom lovers
The other women dressed in the most enviable raiment
Were all pursued, loved, admired
Yet she was unseen, unheard, untouched
***
Male, Female ~ the POWER of these words… they will create for you entire WORLDS
And always I lived in a world alien to me
They all looked at and saw a boy, a man ~ something belonging to their own perception
Some character in THEIR stageplay
Many Eli’s, all with a different shade, a different flare ~ one Eli for each of these human’s stages
***
But none of them were me ~ the only Me is Mine and God’s, Alone
Alone ~ for that is what I’ve always been
In my own world, not yours ~ nor is yours mine
***
The woman that never was… yet WHY was she so real to me?
I didn’t understand why I had to behave a certain way, dress a certain way
Who was the person all these people were seeing? It wasn’t ME
***
Could it be that they were all only gazing into some mirror, some aspect of themselves?
As I wore the mask and costume, read from a script, played the role for them they wanted to see
***
I look now in the mirror, seeing a man’s bearded face…
Others would look and see only a man, one of billions,
Who, then, is this woman that lives in all my memories?
***
Maybe I’m real, in a world that never was ~ or maybe the world is real, and I’m only some ghost
Maybe I only dance with countless characters in my own imagination
***
But she haunts me even now, this girl, this woman
Who never felt a lover’s hand, who never summoned an admiring gaze
Bewitched by all the things I didn’t do, but dreamed
***
Man, woman, child ~ maybe they all exist within
Call it enlightenment, fantasy, psychosis, sin
***
The woman that never will be, the woman that never has been
And the man you thought was inside your world, but isn’t even in
***
Shalom
***
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gqk7DocjQ3w

The Woman That Never Was:
***
The woman that never was, the little girl that never lived to be
She wanted to be called “she,” yet they called her “he”
***
If she never existed, why then do I remember her?
Why do I look back at the sequence of dreams called “life”
And see her there at every moment?
***
Wearing phantom dresses, loved by phantom lovers
The other women dressed in the most enviable raiment
Were all pursued, loved, admired
Yet she was unseen, unheard, untouched
***
Male, Female ~ the POWER of these words… they will create for you entire WORLDS
And always I lived in a world alien to me
They all looked at and saw a boy, a man ~ something belonging to their own perception
Some character in THEIR stageplay
Many Eli’s, all with a different shade, a different flare ~ one Eli for each of these human’s stages
***
But none of them were me ~ the only Me is Mine and God’s, Alone
Alone ~ for that is what I’ve always been
In my own world, not yours ~ nor is yours mine
***
The woman that never was… yet WHY was she so real to me?
I didn’t understand why I had to behave a certain way, dress a certain way
Who was the person all these people were seeing? It wasn’t ME
***
Could it be that they were all only gazing into some mirror, some aspect of themselves?
As I wore the mask and costume, read from a script, played the role for them they wanted to see
***
I look now in the mirror, seeing a man’s bearded face…
Others would look and see only a man, one of billions,
Who, then, is this woman that lives in all my memories?
***
Maybe I’m real, in a world that never was ~ or maybe the world is real, and I’m only some ghost
Maybe I only dance with countless characters in my own imagination
***
But she haunts me even now, this girl, this woman
Who never felt a lover’s hand, who never summoned an admiring gaze
Bewitched by all the things I didn’t do, but dreamed
***
Man, woman, child ~ maybe they all exist within
Call it enlightenment, fantasy, psychosis, sin
***
The woman that never will be, the woman that never has been
And the man you thought was inside your world, but isn’t even in
***
Shalom
***
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gqk7DocjQ3w

For some reason, there exists the misconception among some people in the Vinland Saga Community that Ketil was a good man before he beat Arnheid to death. So this thread is dedicated to the people who, despite the story's message (violence is bad), still believe that Ketil was a good man before the incident with Arnheid.
Initally, Ketil came off as a good man who adhered to his moral principles, but as the story progressed, it became clear that he was only posing as a man that he could never be. Ketil played nice only when things were going his way and the moment someone tried to go against his will, Ketil would treat them harshly.
Let's go through some facts about Ketil first:

1. He regularly goes to slave markets to buy slaves.
2. He makes the slaves he buys, work on and expand his farm (wealth). He offers certain slaves freedom after a lifetime of service. However, he never gave his slave Arnheid any choice for freedom, wanting to keep her all to himself, and he also has mercenaries (Snake and his troupe) positioned across the farm so that they stop and catch his slaves if they try to run away. Those mercenaries committed so many crimes/broke so many laws that they can't use their real names, so they go around with nicknames instead. That's the kind of people Ketil uses as guards.
3. He lies about his reputation of being "Iron Fist Ketil", a warrior who's famous for his immense strength, and uses the fact that they share the same name to his advantage, as seen here and here.
4. He uses Arnheid as a sex slave/shoulder to cry on over how sad he is over being a fake and a coward. First thing he did when he returned to his farm? Look for Arnheid to get his daily dose of emotional support.
5. His wife mistreats Arnheid, physically and verbally.
6. He seeks to expand his farm and wealth to compensate for his own inferiority complex.
7. He beat up a kid with a stick because he stole from him to provide for his poor family.
8. He saw Arnheid getting assaulted by one of Snake's men. He told the man to leave and then proceeded to beat Arnheid within an inch of her life with a stick because she tried to escape from the farm with her husband Gardar (who also got enslaved). At that point, Arnheid was pregnant with Ketil's child, and she told Ketil this, but he continued beating her, which resulted in Ketil killing both, Arnheid AND his unborn child.

So, what makes Ketil so bad? Well, for one, he's a slave owner and abuser. It doesn't take much effort to see what's the problem with him. However, I've seen quite a few people make excuses for him despite of that, so I'll go through their arguments:
"Ketil is good when it comes to that era"
Considering that Thorfinn, Einar, Leif, Pater, and even Snake, thought that the way Ketil treated Arnheid was wrong, this can't be true. Ketil is a slave owner who raped a woman and beat a pregnant woman to death with a stick, he's nowhere near good, even back in those times.
"Ketil is fairly normal in comparison to vikings who loot, plunder, and rape"
Ketil is "fairly normal" in comparison to mass murderers. He is still evil. More evil, less evil, it's irrelevant. Evil is evil. The point with Ketil's character is, that "the lesser evil", is still evil. People like Leif, Ylva, Helga, etc (the normal people in the story) would still think of Ketil as a evil man if they saw him raping and beating a defenseless woman. Saying that Ketil is fairly normal in comparison to mass murderers, doesn't mean much. That's the bare minimum.
"Given the circumstances anyone would have snapped like Ketil did"
Given the circumstances, nobody would ever have slaves in the first place. I don't know why people act like Ketil snapping isn't his fault even though it is. He took a woman slave against her will, he was a control freak who made slaves work for him and gave them hope for freedom someday so that they would work harder for him for years. He had vile mercenaries positioned across the farm so that they stop and catch the slaves if they try to run away, and if those slaves got caught, they would get violently punished.
"Ketil disliked war and conflict and always tried to solve problems peacefully"
He goes to the slave market to buy slaves. He supports war by doing so. He made many slave owners rich. Saying that Ketil was against conflict even though he buys slaves to either rape them (Arnheid) or make them work hard for him (Thorfinn, Einar, etc), is a crazy thing to say. Ketil considers his wealth more important to him than human lives and their rights. He never even wanted to give Arnheid any choice for freedom, and Thorfinn and Einar would have had to work their butts off for years until Ketil sets them free (and even then, he probably expected them to stay with him "willingly" and continue working for him, aka Stockholm Syndrome).
"Arnheid is Ketil's slave no matter what; Arnheid's husband doesn't own her anymore, Ketil does"
It was not Arnheid's choice to become Ketil's slave. Arnheid was with Gardar (her husband) before she got captured and sold off as a slave against her will to Ketil. So no, she was willingly in a relationship with Gardar and later on became a slave of Ketil against her will.
"Arnheid deserved to die, it is a slave's fault to betray their master"
Arnheid was a innocent woman who lost her baby and then got kidnapped and enslaved against her will. She's a victim, she didn't deserve to die just because she didn't want to be abused anymore, that's a messed up thing to say. People need to realize that a slave doesn't have a choice in the matter, they never chooe to be with their master. They were captured and sold off as a slave against their will. So no, Arnheid doesn't own Ketil jackshit and Arnheid wanting to reunite with her husband Gardar is not her "betraying" Ketil. It would be betrayal if Arnheid ever wanted to be with Ketil in the first place but she clearly didn't because Ketil was a pathetic and insecure man who used Arnheid as his sex slave and raped her whenever he felt frustrated with something.
"Ketil is good because he is not as harsh as the other masters"
Just because Ketil isn't as evil as the other slave owners doesn't mean that he's good. Ketil's farm setup was incredibly beneficial to him. By giving the people he buys as slaves a potential way of freedom by working for him, is in his best interest monetarily. Giving them a way out by working for him means that they will be working much harder than if they didn't have that incentive, so even if he wouldn't have as many slaves as the other slave owners, his slaves would still be working much harder than any other slaves. People act like he's doing it out of the kindness of his heart but it does ultimately benefit him more than other masters. And again, Ketil doesn't give all his slaves a chance at freedom. Arnheid was never given any hope from him, and he raped her nightly. Ketil treats the slaves as his property. He assigns them a plot of land to work on and they aren't given a choice of professional or vocation to pay him back with. The only moral thing to do when you own a slave is to free them. Which Ketil doesn't do and never intends to do. He keeps a band of mercenary to stop the slaves from escaping. If he was a decent slave owner, he would have punished everyone equally for their crime, but he made it personal and used Arnheid as a punching bag, and has used her as emotional/sexual stress relief for years before.
Now, despite all of that, do I think that Ketil is a bad character? No. He's a bad human being, but it's not like he wasn't well written. His character is very believeable. Ketil's actions can be attributed to his environment and upbringing, which have molded his behavior and choices. The violent world he exists in greatly influences him. However, it is crucial to differentiate between comprehending his circumstances and justifying or absolving his wrongdoing. While environment and upbringing can provide context, they do not inherently negate the responsibility or consequences of one's actions. Ketil was a insecure coward and liar first and foremost. When he was confonted with the choice of what to do with the thief kid, he felt empathy for the kid because he did it to provide for his poor family. He thought that making the kid work for him would be beneficial punishment. However, because Ketil was too insecure to act as the leader and make the final decision, he allowed Snake and Thorgil (who both wanted the kid to be physically punished) to take the dominant role, causing the kid to get beaten up with a stick by Ketil. Ketil then went to Arnheid for emotional relief and felt more sorry for over how insecure and cowardly he is, than the fact that he just beat the shit out of a little boy.
After Ketil beat Arnheid within an inch of her life, he dropped his "nice guy" persona completely, willing to go to war against King Canute and his army. Ketil gathered farmers to form an army, promising them that their debts would be waived if they fought, without telling them that the army they're about to fight is the one of King Canute, because he knew that most of them would run away if they knew that they would be up against the King himself. Ketil's greedy and prideful personality get fully showcased her. He yells at his men, insults Canute, and when he learns that Canute's army consists of 100 men, he becomes overcondident, because he and his men outnumber Canute's men more than three times over, being unaware that Canute's army is full of Jomsvikings (while Ketil's army are just a bunch of farmers who never went to war, except Thorgil and Snake's troupe). Hell, Ketil even thinks that taking Canute's head is a possibility. As you might expected, Ketil and his army got completely ragdolled by Canute's army.
I think what puts the nail to the coffin with Ketil's character is the scene where his army retreated because of the overwhelming force of Canute's army. Ketil tells his men that he didn't order them to retreat and asks them where their honor is. He then grabs one man and asks him if he really thinks he'll clear his his debts after that poor show of a fight. The man laughs, telling Ketil that no one cares about debts at this point anymore and that everything is over for Ketil. He adds that now, Ketil has a taste of how the poor folk feel; Ketil can do nothing despite the King's unreasonable demans, just like he (the man Ketil grabbed) and the other slaves/farmers could do nothing but obey Ketil. He tells Ketil that strength is justice and that the world serves men far more powerful than Ketil.
So overall, while Ketil isn't badly written or pure evil, he is still a insecure and pathetic control freak, liar, and abuser who used a "nice guy" persona as his mask because he loves having control over his slaves while pretending to be nice so that they don't try to run away from him. And whenever his slaves do try to run away from him, they get violenty punished. People who say "don't compare living from now to back then" need to realize that even back then, people like Ketil were considered evil. Living a peaceful life 1000 years ago was completely possible. Leif, Helga, Ylva, retired Thors, etc. Many characters in Vinland Saga never went to war or took slaves, and yet manage to live a peaceful life. Ketil could have easily had a peaceful life, he chose to have slaves because he WANTS to have slaves, and he wants to have slaves because he's a control freak.
TLDR: Being weak-willed doesn't automatically mean being kind. Ketil was never genuinely kind, he is a weak man who was always hiding his true self behind a mask. Weak men beat women when they can't control them, which is what Ketil did, he killed Arnheid and their unborn baby. Ketil wants power over people who are barely considered better than a cow. Before Arnheid's death, Ketil identified with her, a slave, always using her as emotional/sexual stress relief. Despite being the owner of the farm, Ketil didn't exactly do a good job at acting as the leader. During the situation with the thief kid, he couldn't step up to put Snake and Thorgil in their places. Ketil knew that he's weak and yet never stopped using the persona of the mighty "Iron Fist Ketil". Maybe he told himself that lie so often that he actually started to believe in it? Who knows. Vinland Saga is full of characters I could write an essay about.

>>> Second part of the post
Avetrana is a small rural town – in beautiful Apulia, overlooking the gulf of Taranto – that comes alive especially during the summer season due to the influx of tourists looking for low-priced accommodation compared to the trendier resorts in the region. In the early 1980s, Avetrana was the site of demonstrations by the anti-nuclear movement in opposition to the desire of the national government to plant a nuclear power plant in the territory, though nowadays if you ask an Italian what is the first thing that comes to their mind when you say “Avetrana”, sadly they will almost certainly think of Sarah Scazzi.
Sarah’s case also arguably represents one of the latest examples of the “dark tourism” that has led hundreds of people to travel to the places where the most heinous crimes in recent Italian history – from the murder of Samuele Lorenzi to that of Meredith Kercher and Chiara Poggi – were committed. In the initial months following Sarah’s disappearance, the media has shone a spotlight on the small town from which Sarah disappeared and on its sometimes strange inhabitants. TV stations “dramatized” the whole affair and turned it almost into a soap opera for their loyal viewers. The lowest point in this story was finally reached when, on October 6, 2010, a reporter broke the news of Sarah’s body’s discovery to her mother on live television. This is how journalist Stefano Nazzi describes what happened in Avetrana in the days following Sarah’s disappearance:

From the end of August 2010 and for many months it became one of the most famous places in Italy. A place where an ugly crime had happened turned into a TV set where all rules were skipped, where reporters competed to grab exclusive interviews with those who perhaps had nothing to say.

It should be noted that – despite the fact that the criminal cases mentioned here have occupied the front pages of newspapers and news programs for a long time – it has become much more difficult in recent years for similar events to be treated so obsessively and morbidly by the mass media. Of course, TV programs that unabashedly eviscerate every aspect of a said murder still exist, but traditional news channels now seem to adhere to more careful guidelines on how to treat crime cases.

The disappearance

On the afternoon of August 26, 2010, at the Carabinieri Station Headquarters in Avetrana, 15-year-old Sarah Scazzi was reported missing, having left home – as her mother Concetta Serrano Spagnolo declared – in the early afternoon to go to the house of her cousin Sabrina Misseri, with whom she was supposed to take a trip to the beach. Sarah had on a pink T-shirt, pink shorts, and flip-flops, carried a black fabric backpack with writing on it, as well as the inseparable cell phone, recently received as a gift from her older brother and which she always held in her hand.
Who was the 15-year-old and what can be said more precisely about the hours surrounding her disappearance? Sarah reportedly had a strong character, was a bit lazy, liked Avril Lavigne and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She suffered from being away from her father and especially her brother, to whom she was very close (the two men were working in Milan at the time of the incident). She probably resented her mother’s strictness and saw her cousin Sabrina’s family as a safe haven, to the point of asking to be “adopted” by her aunt Cosima Serrano and her uncle Michele Misseri (at least this is what Cosima and Sabrina will say later).
Concerning what happened in the hours around Sarah’s disappearance, her mother Concetta reported that Sarah had left the house around 9 am; she had returned briefly during the course of the morning to get some money needed to buy some cream on behalf of her cousin Sabrina, and then she had gone home to go, almost immediately, in the company of her father to do the groceries around 12:30 pm; the two had returned home shortly before 1 pm. What happened next is a point of contention, but the most likely conclusion is that Sarah left her house to go to the Misseris between 1:55 pm and 2:00 pm – as indicated by Sarah’s housekeeper Maria Ecaterina Pantir – lying to her mother by saying that she had received Sabrina’s message telling her to go to her house.
Then, at 2:23 pm, Sabrina received a text message from her friend Mariangela Spagnoletti (“[give me] the time to put on the costume and I’m coming”) and immediately afterward notified her cousin (2:25:08 text message from Sabrina to Sarah “put on the costume fast and come”). Sarah, who had no cell phone credit, answered with a ring at 2:28:46 – this is her last alleged communication.
In an email sent to the editor of a local magazine in late August and made public in early September, psychic Rosemary Laboragine wrote:

I see a house but also a kind of garage. I don’t know, unfortunately I have a feeling of death. I feel her buried in the nearby countryside. I see wood and water.

The investigation

The search for Sarah begins a few days late by virtue of the fact that her disappearance was initially thought to be a voluntary departure. Sabrina suggests investigating Sarah’s father’s hometown and his unsavory acquaintances there. A man from Lecce who had sent a message to Sabrina pretending to be Sarah is heard by the Carabinieri. It also turns out that the 15-year-old had three Facebook profiles and had recently communicated with a married man, but this trail leads nowhere. On September 7, 2010, Carabinieri from the Taranto Investigative Unit handed prosecutors a report in which they requested (and obtained) an urgent wiretap of Claudio’s cell phone, since it was “suspicious that the young man did not feel the need to return to Apulia to inquire directly about his sister’s fate”.
An initial breakthrough in the investigation came with the discovery of the victim’s cell phone by Michele Misseri on September 29, 2010, the day after he was interrogated by the investigators in this case. Misseri recounted that he had gone, with the intent of retrieving a lost screwdriver, to a plot of land where, the previous day, he had done some cleanup work with a friend. There, in a burned pile of olive leaves, he had found the cell phone.
On October 4, 2010, at 4:20 pm, Michele Misseri was served an invitation to appear in the afternoon of October 6 at the Taranto Carabinieri Provincial Command. On the same evening, at 9:58 pm, a phone call between Sabrina Misseri and her ex-boyfriend Andrea Merico was intercepted, in which Sabrina was concerned about the fingerprints left by her father and herself on Sarah’s phone, admitting that she had touched the device on the very day of Sarah’s disappearance.
On October 5, a soliloquy of Michele Misseri in his car was recorded at 5:59 am. Misseri closed the door but did not start the engine and, after standing still and in silence for about a minute, spoke to himself, uttering the following words: “I feel sorry for my family... if they go... I will find them out [sic]”.
On October 6, Michele, his wife Cosima and their daughter Valentina went together to Taranto for their interrogations. At 7:59 am, a conversation was recorded in their car: Cosima advised her husband not to be specific about the times when, on the morning the cell phone was found, he had left home. At 15:46 am, Giuseppe Serrano, colleague and brother-in-law of Michele, tells the investigators that, on August 26, the latter arrived at work “way behind schedule”, 45 minutes later than when he was supposed to be there. Finally, in the evening, after 9 hours of interrogation,

As the search for the little girl continued unabated, Michele Antonio Misseri confessed to having killed his niece, strangling her, and to having suppressed her corpse; he, reserving the right to clarify at a later date the reasons and modalities of that insane act, led investigators to a well located in contrada Mosca in the countryside of Avetrana and allowed the discovery, following laborious digging operations that lasted all night, of Scazzi’s lifeless body and some of her personal belongings. Misseri’s confession was recorded in the presence of his defense counsel.

Misseri confessed that, the day Sarah disappeared, he was working in the garage to fix the tractor that wouldn’t start. At 2:25 pm, Sarah had suddenly arrived and, coming down to the garage, had told him “Uncle...” without adding anything else. The moment the little girl had then turned again to leave, Misseri had taken a piece of rope and twisted it around her neck twice, tightening about five to six minutes, even after Sarah had fallen to the ground. Misseri claimed that he had been seized by an “inexplicable rapture”, by a burst of nerves caused by the tractor not starting, but that it was not at all his intention to rape his niece, toward whom he had no sexual attraction.
The following day, during the hearing for the confirmation of the provisional arrest, Misseri changed drastically his account. To the judge’s and prosecutor’s questions about the possible sexual nature of the cause of his attack, he answered enigmatically: “It may be as well”. He confided that he had sexually assaulted Sarah on August 26, that she had reacted and he had had to kill her.
On October 15, 2010, Misseri was heard again and that consisted of a turning point in the case. In the morning interrogation, he confirmed the self-accusatory version already set forth in the two previous ones, but enriched it with details: he claimed that Sabrina had looked out onto the garage ramp immediately after her cousin’s killing, while Sarah’s body lay covered by a piece of cardboard; to the prosecutor’s objection that, in that case, Sabrina could not have failed to notice at the very least Sarah’s beach slippers, which had been left out of that hastily organized cover, Misseri further modified his account, asserting that Sabrina had arrived at the garage entrance to warn her father that she was going to the beach, and she had noticed Sarah’s body covered by the cardboard. Sabrina had exclaimed: “Daddy, what have you done?” and had burst into tears.
The “glaring inconsistencies” inherent in this version led prosecutors to suspend the interrogation at 11:35 am. Three hours later, at 2:26 pm, a new interrogation began:

Misseri claimed that Sabrina had forcibly dragged Sarah into the garage, where he was already standing, in order to verify, in a three-way confrontation, whether it was true that he had molested Sarah, as she had reported to her cousin. Upon Scazzi’s confirmation, Sabrina Misseri had pinned her down, encircling her around the waist with her arms and demanding that she tell the truth in front of her father; the latter, at that point, becoming impatient, had strangled his niece with a rope he was holding, twisting it around her neck, while his daughter held her cousin down.

Sabrina’s detention and Michele’s accusatory statements against her

On October 18, 2010, Sabrina Misseri was questioned by the preliminary hearing judge, denying any involvement in the killing of her cousin. Four days later, a conversation that took place in prison between Michele Misseri and his daughter Valentina was intercepted and filmed. After an initial moment of emotion upon seeing his daughter again, who immediately reminded him of Sabrina’s status, detained because of his accusatory statements (“Daddy, but look I love you anyway, you know? Sabrina loves you too, of course she can’t come now, she knows you’re here, right?”), Michele, shaking his hands, told her in dialect: “The fact... Which Sabrina is hiding… [I wish] she would talk about it”.
On November 3, criminologist Roberta Bruzzone was appointed as a consultant to Michele through his defense lawyer Daniele Galoppa. Two days later, in jail, Misseri had a conversation with Galoppa and Bruzzone; he began to cry and, quite unexpectedly – after he had until then described the incident by reverting to the initial exclusively self-accusatory version – declared that he was not the one who killed Sarah, but his daughter Sabrina. For that reason, with the consent of Misseri himself, a request was made by his defense attorney for investigators to come in for questioning.
At 3:32 pm, before prosecutors, Misseri articulated a version in which he declared himself to be completely uninvolved in the murderous action, which he attributed to Sabrina. Misseri declared that after he had finished eating, at about 1 pm, he had been called by his daughter who had told him, “Daddy, come to the garage ‘cause something happened”. He had then gone there and found Sarah on the floor, with her arms towards the door and with a rope (a meter long, not too tight and with many knots) twisted around her neck; Sabrina had said that her cousin had fallen while they were playing. “[Sabrina] says they were playing in the garage… she says she slipped and fell [...] however, in my opinion, to show that it was suicide she put the rope around her neck…”
Prosecutors deemed this story illogical because of the weapon used, the dynamics of the murder, and the justification given by Sabrina, so they stopped the questioning at 4:10 pm, at the request of the defense counsel, and resumed at 5:04 pm (after Misseri had conferred with attorney Galoppa and consultant Bruzzone). At this point,

Misseri mutated his account by reporting that the murder weapon was a “belt”, not a rope, and claimed that he had been awakened, while he was asleep in the deck chair, by his daughter Sabrina who, in a state of agitation, had said to him: “Dad, come here for a moment ‘cause something has happened”; following his daughter, he had run into the garage and had seen Sarah lying on the floor upright on the right side of the slide, with her head down facing the entrance; he had then exclaimed “But what is it that you have done?” and his daughter had told him “Yeah, anyway she was bothering me as well”. Misseri later specified that to the question “What happened?”, his daughter had said “I was playing with Sarah… she slipped, she fell”, and to his further question “And the belt around her neck, why does she have it?”, Sabrina had replied, “She was bothering me anyway”.

November 19, 2010 was the day of the special evidence pre-trial hearing (whose function is to “anticipate the acquisition and formation of evidence during the preliminary investigation”). These are the salient points:

• Michele essentially reaffirmed the heteroaccusatory version against Sabrina, but also reintroduced the theme of the “game” that allegedly led to Sarah's death;
• he admitted he had confessed the truth (i.e. Sabrina’s responsability in the murder) to a priest two days after he was arrested, and that happened significantly earlier than his first version mentioning Sabrina;
• he specified that he had never asked Sabrina why she had killed Sarah being able only to speculate that the reason was jealousy for Ivano, since he had heard from others that she liked him and, from Sabrina herself, after Sarah’s death, that the young girl had become “too attached” to Ivano;
• when asked why he had accrued the decision to accuse his daughter Sabrina, he replied, “Why did I have to do so many years if I did not do that thing?”;
• Michele added that while he was searching with his daughter for Sarah’s SIM card, Sabrina had only asked him if Sarah was in a safe place, and he had answered in the affirmative, that is, that the body was in a safe place, where only he could find it; his daughter had also asked him about Sarah’s cell phone, and he had told her he had destroyed it.

The relationship between Sarah and Sabrina

The Court that sentenced Sabrina started from a “fixed point” in its reconstruction of the events that led to Sarah’s death:

When Sabrina Misseri was heard by the Carabinieri of Avetrana [...] Sarah’s body had not been found and, therefore, it was still legitimate to hope for a voluntary departure that precisely a quarrel, a contrast, an argument with her cousin could have explained and justified. Yet Sabrina Misseri, while appearing active and proactive in the search for her missing cousin through both public initiatives and collaboration with the Carabinieri, thought it counterproductive to reveal an apparently insignificant detail – a girl-on-girl argument – which, however, could have uncovered a ‘Pandora’s box’, shedding light on what later turned out to be the motive for the murderous action.

It’s necessary to better introduce the individuals who are involved in this story. It’s not contested by the defense that in the summer of 2010 the two girls – since Sarah’s school was closed and she had a relationship of close kinship and living proximity with her cousin – attended each other assiduously; in particular, Sarah went almost daily at the cousin’s house. The two girls were also part of the same group of friends, Sabrina having introduced the young Sarah to the others in December 2009. The group included Ivano Russo, Alessio Pisello, Mariangela Spagnoletti and, in the summer period, Angela Cimino and Claudio Scazzi, as well as Giovanni Copertino and Antonio Forte. Together the aforementioned frequented the same clubs, exchanged messages and phone calls, went to the beach moving in the same cars. Sarah was only allowed to go out in the evenings with her older cousin on whom, therefore, she depended for all opportunities for recreation.
According to the Court, Sarah’s secret diary is really important to understand what happened because it testifies to the onset of a growing enthusiasm for a new friendship and the emergence of a feeling that troubles and confuses the teenager: that for Ivano, that boy so much older than she is and whom Sarah knows well how much her cousin Sabrina also likes. Some significant entries are the following:

• June 4, 2010 at 3:30 pm: “hi......in this time I am having so much fun you know Ivano is really nice I love him so much only he is 27 years old almost 30 whatever I kind of miss the shit I used to do in school with my friends you know....”
• June 9 at 11:07 am: “hi..........so yesterday I went to the beach with Sabrina and Ivano I had a great time only Sabrina then told me that next time she wants to be alone with Ivano and I have to stay home, it sucks when she does that it gets on my nerves. I can’t wait for my brother and my dad to arrive ah I forgot to tell you that Saturday and Sunday I have to go to the beach but not with Ivano....”
• July 28 at 6:30 pm: “...hello my name is Sarah, in this period I am very attached to I boy who is 27 years old, I am only 15 but he is very sweet with me and he always cuddles me, his name is Ivano, and my cousin Sabrina also likes him but I don’t understand if I like him or if I just love him as a friend...I AM CONFUSED” * July 30: “hi, yesterday Ivano cuddled me...I love him so much...but tonight I’m not gonna see him uff.…”

Although Sabrina refused to describe her relationship with Ivano in terms of a romantic one, saying she was only physically attracted to him, her friends contradicted her in their testimonies (Claudio Scazzi goes so far as to speak of a “fixation”). Moreover, one inescapable objective fact is the text messages with which Sabrina “bombarded” her friends to find out where Ivano was, whether he was at one club rather than another, whether he had gone out and who she took home first and who last, even going so far as to check on the boy through actual stakeouts and sending messages from unknown phones. It is unclear why Sabrina would want to “project” onto her friend Mariangela her obsession with Ivano (as she did in the November 20, 2012 hearing) when all testimony converged in another direction. According to the Court,

Sabrina was dominated by her anxiety to establish a stable and exclusive romantic and sexual relationship with Russo, rather than a relationship of mere friendship, so that her conduct became even more insistent where Ivano proved detached and annoyed by her intrusiveness.

Clearly tracing the development of the story between the two are the 4500 messages exchanged over the months by Sabrina and Ivano. For the Court, “[t]he incursion into the sexual sphere of the two isn’t dictated by morbid curiosity, nor is it intended to land on unacceptable moralistic evaluations of their behavior, but it serves to fully understand how the evolution of that relationship and the inevitable estrangement from the young man, due to the differing expectations of the two, generated in Sabrina a very strong sense of frustration”. This frustration was then exacerbated by the fact that although Sarah played (unintentionally) a role in the breakup between Sabrina and Ivano, she did not stop hanging out with him, and this must have been considered a real betrayal on Sabrina’s part. These are some significant messages sent by Sabrina testifying to her interest/obsession:

• May 2, 2010 at 6:02 pm: “You see I am mocking you, I see you as a big puppy:-)”
• May 2 at 6:08 pm: “Come on admit it, you like cuddling at the end who doesn't, then you are so deep…”
• May 2 at 11:40 pm: “Don’t joke, I mean it I envy you I wish I was as beautiful as you and a special and unique character like yours... to me you are like a god :)”
• May 4 at 3:20 pm: “you are a beautiful vision just as you are... understand God Ivano?”
• May 4 at 11:54 pm: “Sweet night, I hope you have recovered, the nice thing about you [is] that you make me feel useful for something...”
• June 6 at 11:17 am: “I’m right, Liala came today and told me Ivano [is] even more gorgeous with glasses but just so much and I answered ‘I know’ and I told them you could tell him”
• June 8 at 1:53 pm: “The client I said hello earlier sent me an SMS to say you are handsome if you don’t believe me I’ll show you the message I saved it:)”
• June 8 at 1:59 pm: “I don't want to hear you complain anymore so far I haven’t heard anyone say otherwise it has nothing to do with taste you can’t deny the evidence the one who has to complain is me and not you, even my brother-in-law says you’re handsome”

On the other hand, Ivano didn’t seem to reciprocate. He wrote, “Sabri I don’t want you to talk to me like that...the other day that thing shouldn’t have happened, I knew it would end like that.” And again, “But why did you fall in love with me? If you want sex that’s fine, but I don’t fall in love:)”. Hence the profound frustration of Sabrina who, after vainly trying to establish a “real” relationship, had to give up in the face of the indifference of the young man, who in a clear manner, finally told her that he did not conceive, between them, anything other than a loveless sex relationship.
Claudio testified that he tried to talk with Sabrina about her relationship with Ivano, asking her why she continued to hang out with him even if he wasn’t really that interested:

Sabrina made it clear to me that she would rather maybe even be teased, let’s say, even teased in a sense, by Ivano, than lose him altogether.

Concetta was also aware of the relationship between the two, having overheard a telephone conversation between Sarah and Sabrina in which the former said, “If I were in your place, I would kick him. Why do you stand behind him, why do you let him treat you this way?”

The August 25 argument at the “102” brewery

Sabrina was extremely upset and annoyed by the fact that, in her view, Sarah was diverting Ivano’s attention from her – this is a “fact peacefully acquired at the trial”, according to the Court, just as it’s established that this was the reason for the argument that took place on the evening of August 25, 2010. Here is what Stefania De Luca, an older friend of Sabrina’s, testifies:

I was sitting at a table near the front door of the club. After a while, I remember, Mariangela Spagnoletti, Sabrina Misseri and Sarah Scazzi came in. They entered the club, we greeted each other, and immediately Sabrina said, “This time it’s really over”, referring to the relationship she had with Ivano. In particular, already for some time Sabrina had told me several times about her interest in Ivano, her infatuation with him. She herself told me on several occasions that Ivano’s behaviors gave her hope. Evidently during the day of August 25 something had happened for which she had decided to sever this situation with Ivano. After this initial approach, Sabrina and Mariangela entered the bar to get a drink while Sarah stayed close to me. I then noticed that Sarah was very upset and her eyes were glazed over, so much so that I asked her what had happened. Sarah did not answer, shrugging her shoulders and bowing her head.

De Luca confirmed that Sabrina told her she had had a fight with Ivano, adding ironically that he was now only talking to Sarah. “That one sells herself, sells herself for two cuddles, even her mother says so”, Sabrina allegedly repeated twice, referring to Sarah. At that moment Sarah literally went pale and bowed her head almost crying.
Mariangela Spagnoletti – the girl with whom Sarah and Sabrina were supposed to go to the beach – essentially corroborated this version in court:

PROSECUTOR BUCCOLIERO – Here, but these words you said earlier, about Sarah’s and Ivano’s relationship, Sabrina also said them in the car while talking to you? SPAGNOLETTI – Yes. That he was cuddling Sara more than her. […] PROSECUTOR BUCCOLIERO – Listen, was Sabrina jealous of Sarah with regard to Ivano? SPAGNOLETTI – I don’t know if she was jealous, however, with some phrases she made it clear that she was.

Spagnoletti’s trustworthiness was questioned by Sabrina’s defense, which noted how the girl was attracted to Ivano and therefore would turn out to be emotionally involved in the affair; needless to say that De Luca’s testimony still stands and it’s difficult to understand why Spagnoletti would make such serious accusations… just because. The Court also noted that the reasoning of the defense doesn’t make much sense “in light of the little interest Sabrina had managed to arouse in [Ivano]” and since Spagnoletti mentioned the August 25 altercation only when the prosecutor talked about it.

Other episodes corroborating the motive: obsession & desire

Another significant episode that supports the idea of a catastrophic “rupture” between the girls is narrated by Angela Cimino, another friend of the group:

One evening in August, certainly after the 15th, we were in Torre Colimena with Sabrina, Ivano, Claudio and Sarah. With the same, aboard Ivano’s car we returned to Avetrana. I remember that Ivano left Sabrina at home first, only because it was on the way, and, while Ivano dropped Claudio and Sarah, the latter received a message from Sabrina. Sarah read it aloud, “Let me know who [Ivano] drop off home first.” None of those present commented on the message, and I made some reflections. The reading [of the message] took place just before Sarah and Claudio got out of the car as having arrived at their home, [so] Ivano and I, left alone in the car commented on what had happened. I told him that I felt it was time for him to clarify with Sabrina the nature of their relationship beyond a simple friendship. Ivano told me that he would talk to her.

The investigators therefore discovered that Sarah had been indirectly responsible for Ivano deciding to end his “friendship with benefits” with Sabrina, so to speak – but even if it were not for this fact, it would still have happened, as one can see considering the next episode corroborating the motive hypothesized by the Court.
Some days before August 4, 2010, one evening, Sabrina and Ivano drove away from Avetrana, secluded themselves and began to have sex; however, they didn’t complete the intercourse, because Ivano said he didn’t want to ruin the friendship. Sabrina later confided about what happened to Mariangela; Sarah was listening. Without much time passing, the entire group learned of the “failed intercourse” between Sabrina and Ivano. The former stopped going outside and seeing her friends for a while. On August 16, 2010, starting from midnight and going on for the whole day, the two also exchanged some glacial messages:

• August 16 at 0:49 am, Ivano: “I have told you a million times that you are a friend to me, but I prefer to keep my distance if only now I am sure that you don’t want just a friendship” […]
• Sabrina: “Listen dummy what I told you before friendship is fine, but hands off remember what you say to me, the universe does not revolve around you, that’s enough now, out of your mouth must not come my name anymore”
• Ivano: “Thank you for telling everyone about what happened”
• Ivano: “I am leaning towards a friendship but, if you have other ideas, then each on their own way”
• Sabrina: “Don’t worry anyway I’ve decided not to go out anymore, so you don’t say that I’m always looking for you, that I’m always texting you, which isn’t true because lately you were almost always initiating, if I have to pass as the one I’m not I stay at my house”
• Ivano: “Oh listen you're breaking my balls you're doing everything, and fuck off I didn’t tell you anything in fact you said I harass you”

On August 21 there was a face-to-face clarification, arranged by Ivano and not Sabrina, which – it is really hard to understand why, although the Court had its hypotheses – Sarah also attended. Ivano recalled in court:

I told Sabrina what Claudio had reported to me and, after telling her that I was very annoyed, I asked her if she had been the one to report the episode. Sabrina told me that it had not been her and was also annoyed. Confirming that she had not told anyone, she reported to me that Claudio had certainly tried to find out something without having any information, I took the opportunity to reiterate to her that I did not intend to establish a relationship that was anything other than friendship, and I took the opportunity to apologize to her if my behavior had engendered any expectations in her.

According to the Court that sentenced Sabrina, “after making inquiries in the circle of friends, Misseri could only trace the origin of the disclosure of the episode that will lead to the termination of relations with Ivano back to her cousin Sarah”.
Sabrina’s defense attempted to downplay the extent of such feelings by pointing out that the relationship between the two young women was the same: the two girls loved each other “like sisters” and were inseparable, none of those who hung out with them had ever perceived a feeling of jealousy on the part of Sabrina toward Sarah, and, therefore, there was no rivalry or jealousy between the two cousins, so much so that after their conversation with Ivano on August 21, the two girls had continued their evening together, going to the Spizzico club to play karaoke.
Contradicting these theories there is Liala Nigro’s testimony; she was a friend of Sabrina and she testified that, about mid-August, Sabrina arrived angrily at the pub accusing her of telling Ivano about the incident. Some days later, but certainly before August 21, Sabrina apologized to her, telling her that she had identified the person responsible in Claudio. This whole episode corroborates the idea that Sabrina was very angry at whoever had propagated the story of the failed intercourse. Also the fact that Sarah participated in the August 21 face-to-face confrontation can be seen as compatible with the theory that Sabrina had finally identified the “real culprit”, namely Sarah, and had wanted her to be present because she was as involved as the other two.
The relationship between Sabrina and Ivano had therefore broken down irremediably. The former wrote the latter a burst of angry messages:

• August 23, 2010 at 9:04 am: “Btw on Saturday [August 21] when you left I had to tell you that you are good at humiliating people in front of everyone, ‘psychopath, apathetic,’ I at least if I have something to say I say it to you and not in front of everyone like you did to Mariangela, saying heavy sentences in front of people you don’t know, make an examination of conscience. A 27-year-old does not behave like that, you are immature. From what you told me about a certain person you are the one who behaves like this and not me and not that you want to be good, I can accompany you and you keep saying heavy words, I in front of others never allowed myself..., you don’t appreciate things, you don’t know respect, because the night before you didn’t feel like talking, however humiliating in front of others yes, bravo, congratulations.”

The Court notes that it is therefore a fact that the relationship between the two cousins broke down after the August 21 confrontation. Testifying to this, again, there is Sarah going to San Pancrazio Salentino (a nearby town where another cousin of hers lived) from August 23 to 25: “Sarah, no longer having a chance to go out in Avetrana, her brother Claudio having departed, therefore took the first opportunity that came her way to get away from the village”. In these two days, Sarah contacted nevertheless many times Sabrina through calls or rings, but the latter never responded. In court she explained her actions saying that she was “displeased”, i.e. she was missing Sarah (it doesn’t make much sense really).

Sources

Italy high court upholds life sentences in Scazzi case
L’omicidio di Sarah Scazzi: quando il male è in famiglia
Mother told live on Italian TV of daughter's murder
The Murder of Sarah Scazzi Apple TV (UK))

I am a Canadian and this was my first time watching Eurovison. Why did I watch Eurovison? Well, I am Croatian (born and raised in Canada) and I saw who won the Dora festival and I had to see where it went. I wanted to wait to post this to let my thoughts settle and not get caught up with the internet over the winner of the contest.
Before I dive in I want to say that I love Eurovison as a contest, it is such a cool way to bring Europe (and Australia?) together. My music taste is… interesting. I listen to Croatian music, but not the mainstream stuff. My favourite band is Tonci Hujlic i Madre Badessa and all of Tonci’s stuff is unique and I love it. I can also play multiple instruments and took music classes for a long time.
I loved this competition, especially all of the unique entries. By unique I mean not a standard pop song.
I also like all of the pre-parties and interviews surrounding the contest. I feel like I learned a lot about Europe from the little that I followed.
Just curious, why are there 26 songs in the final? That is way too many songs to remember and the ones at the beginning of the night get forgotten.
I want to leave you with a ranking and my thoughts. (And some of my dad’s, it was his first time watching as well) It got really hard for me to rank 15 and up… my top 10 keeps on changing.
I thought an outsiders view, without any previous contest knowledge would be interesting to some of you.
Songs that made me uncomfortable:

1. San Marino – ‘smell you like an animal’ No thank you. The song doesn’t even rhyme.
   
2. Romania – The staging made me uncomfortable because it felt unnecessary.
   

Song I straight up didn’t like:

1. Demark – I hate that electronic voice. And it sounds worse live.

Songs that were meh:

1. Azerbaijan – Song was boring (Kudos to the bass player who kept on playing after his strap came off)
   
2. Ireland – liked the message but the song we just boring (My dad: Journey called, they want their song back)
   
3. Poland – I find her voice annoying
   
4. Greece – Nothing special, just a standard pop song
   

Average
30 – Lithuania - nothing special, nothing stood out but nothing was bad. Maybe it was a bit repetitive.

1. UK – it’s an average pop song with a good message
   
2. Georgia – This song has it’s good moments, but some of the lyrics don’t make sense ("thing is now"?)
   
3. Armenia – the line “kiss my face” Makes me uncomfortable. I don’t like the vibe of the song, but when it switched to Armenian it gets 10x better.
   
4. Iceland – Average song, good message. Dilja was so energetic, deserved to be in finals.
   
5. Italy – Nothing in this song clicked with me. He has a good voice though.
   
6. Cyprus – He has a great voice, and the song was good. But you can break a broken heart, it’s called a shredder.
   
7. Latvia – In the words of my dad “It is just another love ballad.” Good song, nothing special. “Don’t cry, I just want to say the right words at the right time.” Isn’t that what we all try to do?
   

Above Average

1. Belgium – I really resonate with this song, it reminds me of when I was the only sane one in the house over the lockdowns. But I can’t justify putting it any higher. I also loved his hats.
   
2. Malta – I love the saxophone and I’m an introvert (why do you think I’m posting anonymously on Reddit?)
   
3. Netherlands – I like the harmonies and this love song is some how bearable.
   
4. Ukraine – The staging was brilliant, and I loved the bit in Ukrainian, the rest of the song is average.
   
5. Estonia – Good song, well performed. Not my type of song.
   
6. Slovenia – I really like this song, but it is really similar to some of the Croatian stuff I listen too, it doesn’t stand out among everything else.
   
7. Austria – Love the playfulness of the song and the harmonies are really good.
   
8. Sweden – She has a great voice, and her song is very powerful energy wise. But in my eyes, it is nothing special. I don’t understand how she got that many jury points. I can’t justify putting this song any higher.
   
9. Israel – I love unicorns, and the energy in her performance was great. I resonate with the message of her song. Loved the Hebrew in it.
   
10. Switzerland – This reminds me of one of my favourite songs (Ja bi da sam opet mali) and it feels like growing up. It’s hard to explain, but I really like it.
    
11. Australia – Love the heavy metal scream in there. The guitar solo is great. And the keytar was fun. This performance was fun and catchy.
    
12. Spain – I love this song, and it has that traditional feeling to it.
    

TOP TEN

1. Germany – It is unique. It is heavy metal. It is fun to listen too. Lead singer has a great voice.
   
2. Albania – Love the family vibes, I don’t fully understand the song, there is just something about it that I love.
   
3. France – This song is the embodiment of France. There is this je ne sai quois to it. Love it.
   
4. Moldova – Epic flute guy, the staging, costumes. I loved everything about the performance.
   
5. Serbia – Love the vibes, his voice everything. “Zelim za uvjek spava dok sve gori.” Is so true about so many things. And the video game vibe was so cool.
   
6. Czechia – Their harmonies! Love it. The message was great. We are not your dolls. They remind me of Klapa singing from Dalmatia.
   
7. Croatia – I mean, this song is the whole reason I watched Eurovision. It was crazy, wacky, fun, what more do you want? Better lyrics. I never followed Let 3 before this nor do I plan to keep on following them but this song was definitely something. SC!
   
8. Portugal – Love the ethnic vibe she had going on. My dad was confused as to why is scored so low. She has a great voice and the song was really good.
   
9. Norway – Whistle notes. Need I say more? She is the queen of kings. And I loved the Viking vibe and the Italian (I think it was Italian) in the beginning of her song.
   
10. Finland – Do I have to explain? I love the blending of genres. The performance was excellent. Back up dancers on point. Vocals were great! And being able to sing Cha Cha Cha, so I felt like I can sing along even though I don’t understand the language. And that human centipede.
    

You can probably tell by this list that I don’t like pop songs. Personally, I find them boring, they all have a similar chord progression and they’re mostly about love. If I wanted to worry about love, I’d be dating someone right now.
I hope to keep on watching this contest for years to come. I learned that Arcade and Fairytale and ABBA came from Eurovison. Honestly, I didn’t even know what Eurovision was before this year, and I didn’t think major songs came through it.
Tell me, do you agree? I’m up for civil discussions and debates. I am also willing to look into some songs in a more in-depth manner.
Also, why don’t more countries sing in their native languages? I personally think that would be more fun to watch and listen to.
I’m pretty sure I’m within the community guidelines, please let me know if I’m not. And in no way am I trying to offend anyone or any country.
TLDR: I am a Canadian who ranked their favourite songs some of which may surprise you.

I am reading “Shōgun” by James Clavell and also watching the series Vikings, and can’t help but notice the similarities between those 2 mythologies. While vastly different, they have the same goal at the core: die with honour.
This is not a post about mythological creatures and gods, but more about these 2 civilizations’ beliefs and their impact on their culture.
Vikings and Samurai are one of the most unique warriors to have ever walked the Earth. They’re like Ying and Yang, 2 polar opposites, 2 different approaches on the same idea, Honour.
While the Samurai were educated, extremely disciplined and very expressive, the vikings were reckless, barbaric and ferocious. And both want to die an honourable death, not executed or killed while defenseless.
The Vikings’ only goal was to die in battle. Not of old age, of a sickness or killed by pity. Dying like a warrior would allow them to reach Valhalla, a place where every morning they would wake up, fight eachother to the death, and then come back to life to feast with the gods. As many women as they liked, as much mead and food as they desired. All over again.
The Samurai, though, they didn’t fear death. A local manoeuvre, Seppuku, is a form of suicide ordered by a superior. If your daimiyo ordered you to commit Seppuku, you would be relieved, as Seppuku was one of the most honourable ways to die. Their religion was all about discipline. Samurai had to obey every order and if they would die like an exemplary warrior, karma would reward them. And they would be reincarnated in a life with more luck. And so on. And so on. And after a long series of lives, you could reach Nirvana. A heavenly place where the “3 poisons” were extinct: greed, aversion and ignorance.
Now the impact of these beliefs on their day to day lives is incredible. For example, the Katana, probably one of the most iconic weapons of all time, is designed for an honourable death. Notice the really small crossguard, meaning very little defense, and the curved, one edged, blade, meaning extremely dangerous offensive. Samurai were heading into a battle like it was their last. Slashing opponents, not caring about defending. One slash of the Katana is enough to kill a human being. But if the Samurai was outsmarted, it wouldn’t be the end. Since he died honourably, a new, better and improved life awaited him. The vikings, on the other hand, were always drunk and fierce. They wore little to no armour and not always had shields. They were battling brutally, hoping to impress the gods, allowing them to reach Valhalla.
This is just a very interesting comparison I came up with, and I wanted to see other people’s opinions.
P.S: Also the evolution of the word Karma over the years is interesting. Now in modern times a force that increases or decreases your luck depending on your deeds and back then a force influencing your future lives depending on the way you died.

Hi, I lost my mom almost 2 years ago to a very aggressive and fast stage 4 cancer. She got diagnosed right around when covid started, moved back with my now-wife, we got married in our back yard, strict quarantine, etc. She was a single mom, I am an only child, no real family in the US. We're late-20s, she wasn't even 60 yet.
It was hard. She went from gardening all day every day, teaching music, living her best life to dead in 2 years. Since we were quarantining we watched her lose more and more, I remember one time she got up to fast and since the cancer turned her bones into dust she broke her femur, the falls, the constant unrelenting pain, from cane to wheelchair. I could see her entire body covered in tumors (it reminded me of when her ex said, when I was 11 she looked like darth maul when she was mad, well now she really did), she couldn't move around the house without groaning and yelping, even the fentanyl+oxy+gabapentin barely helped.
We had a complicated relationship, I think because it was always just us. She had very old school views on men and women which at first caused static between her and my wife, but they grew to love each other.
Mom died on a hot summer day. It's very humid where we live, we have a beautiful house that she made her own. She redesigned it herself, she had so so many plants. She loved gardening and fighting squirrels. She was a pianist and I loved listening to her play, she would just improvise for hours. My cousin flew in after he passing, stupid fucking visa and covid kept her brother or anyone from coming to the US, and digitized all her music, I'm forever grateful to her.
I remember when the death rattle started, it was a constant sound. All 3 of us had dreams around the same time foretelling roughly when her death would be. The classic rapid decline from bad to worse happened, she went from being able to roll herself to the bathroom or smoke a cig on the porch (ill never forget her smoking her american spirits on the porch and watching spiritual tv, she was very spiritual, she met her death with ease and splendor), to in home hospice. I held her last cig to her mouth after turning off the oxygen (duh) but at the time she was barely coherent. She said a towel on the porch looked like Mephistopheles from faust. She drank a ton of coca cola, which was funny to me because growing up cola was NOT allowed in the house. organic food only. But I guess it's a great ad for coca cola.
She died when I had my hands in her mouth trying to position her correctly and get the liquid morphine under her tongue. She stopped breathing and that was that. I was staring at her chest and I swore it was still breathing, like when you're on LSD and everything is breathing. I called my grandparents and her mom admonished her now dead daughter on speakerphone, telling her if she had listened to her mom this wouldn't have happened. Grandma died a few months later, still angry at the world.
The night before she died I knew it would happen so I laid in bed for awhile just talking to her. But when she was still alive I was always grumpy. Grumpy that I was dealt this hand, grumpy that she was always telling me how to do things (she was a teacher first and foremost, spiritual and otherwise. soviet mentality to everything.) My wife would spend a lot more time talking to her. But I was a good son, I made her proud, she moved here alone and penniless, when I was born it was just me and her in the hospital. My dad was married (to someone else) and they split, he didn't want anything to do with me, so I never met him.
I still can't get everything out of my memory. I remember every smell sight sound feel, everything, I remember the viking looking guy who worked at the crematorium, he let me press the button. She had so much makeup on on the slab, my cousin hadn't seen her and was shocked. She was so so shocked that a human could look like that, let alone her favorite aunt. I remember the hot summer on my skin, so humid, like a faulkner novel, a butterfly flew by when I called my uncle to tell him his sister was on hospice. Everything smelled like sour milk, I liked the smell, including her house robe which still faintly awakens that smell in my memory, which I wear today.
I gave her a lot of foot massages, so at the crematorium I wiggled her toes a bit. It was nice, I wish I could do it again. My wife would make her favorite foods every day, which made her happy. We saw her favorite spiritual leader (sadhguru) speak in LA, and I think it was a good way of honoring her. Her ashes are still in front of the fireplace which she loved so much, we are waiting to spread them where she had asked.
I have my wife, who loved and grieved with me, I don't know if I could have even survived without her. But the images... the images are always in my head. Sometimes we'll go out to a club or whatever and I'll catch myself looking around, wondering how many people there have seen someone die? Up close and personal. It was like watching a child grow up in reverse, clockwork orange style in quarantine. 3pm on a Wednesday? Ah, mom broke another vertebrae. Better call 911 real quick. We always gave them special shoe covers cuz no shoes in the house!! unless they had their own. Had a piece of shit boss at the time who admonished me because I missed a meeting when my mom was in the hospital and asked me to decide whether or not to keep her on chemo. I said yes at first then the doctor said it would be cruel to keep someone in her state on chemo, it was too late. way too late. her whole body was saturated in cancer. but fuck that boss, I told him to go fuck himself and quit. Others followed me, yay!
But yeah. One of my best friends, also only child single mom, lost his mom a few months ago. I called him before she passed and told him how weird it was gonna be. Just weird. Its so fucking weird. I have a weird relationship with death, its not the end of the world, maybe there's reincarnation, I don't really care that much. Our body is just a thin tapestry over our soul and when mom died I felt relieved for her, its like she got to take off her uncomfy shoes after a long shift at work. But the images. Its stuck. It's a bittersweet nostalgia for those truly halcyon moments. even if they hurt so much. its like an ocean of pain and sadness that I know is behind me, I can hear the waves roar, but I dare not look.
Thanks for listening. any advice would be appreciated.

Reading online and on Reddit I found out that men commonly fetishize and sexualise transgender women and women who have penises, but women and gay men don't commonly fetishize nor sexualise transgender men and men who have vaginas
I also found out that oral is believed to be much more commonly performed on men than on women. And that men not giving oral to women has nothing to do with male selfishness, since gay men are also male and are not believed to have issues giving oral to other men
I also found out that vaginas are seen as gross, taboo and have stigma. Also periods
And that vaginas are not appreciated as much as large penises, boobs and butts are
Also that men are more attracted to a performance or costume of femininity than they are to actual women. So feminized men are less of a turn off than women with unshaven bodies, fat women, non feminine women, etc
I asked my parents, sister and psychologist about these things and they said that the vast majority of men have no interest in transgender women pre op nor post op nor women who have penises and penises in general. They also said oral is 50/50 between men and women. And that vaginas are not seen as gross, taboo nor do they have stigma and neither do periods. And that vaginas are appreciated as much as the other parts. Also that men are not more attracted to femininity and that they would rather any type of woman than a man
Why is the online world showing differently? And how do the sex positive f eminists who say that vaginas are hated, still want sex with men? The things I read put me off men for life, unfortunately. It's ingrained in my mind that men are not fussed about that part. For me the bare minimum I expect of them is that they appreciate vaginas. So why do other women let it slide? I can't associate with people and I will become reclusive/avoid people if what I read online is true. I won't accept being surrounded by a society where most believe and accept it.