Oh my gawd meme sound effect

I have meditated on and off for years, I wouldn’t say I am consistent in my practice, although I really should do it more I feel so much better when I do.
lately, I have been experiencing a spinning sensation when I get into a meditative state. This used to indicate to me that I was entering a deep state of meditation, but now this happens even in the first few breaths.
I don’t know if it is spinning or more of an unwrapping feeling, like I have been tied up around a pole and am being released. Does that make any sense? Does anyone else relate to this?
I also experience brief high pitched sounds in my right ear in the evening mostly and often when meditating. Does this mean anything? I have read all sorts on the matter and would welcome others opinions.
The unwrapping feeling is surreal and feels quite surreal and intense, but not unpleasant. I can sustain that sensation for 5 to 10 mins and it stops.
Oh and I don’t know if it is relevant but if I am sat up while meditating I will often lean to the left, sometimes significantly so. Always to the left. Again and insight would be appreciated.
Thanks all!

Hello community, how are you? I wanted to tell you that I have suffered several times and in different periods from sleeping difficulties. Although they were always associated with a basic anxiety condition, I wanted to tell you much of what I learned on this path of good sleep. Many times I believe that we blame ourselves completely for not being able to fall asleep and sometimes there are external causes that increase or trigger it. My last period of insomnia arose because of some annoying neighbors who spent the night and morning moving furniture from one side to the other. They didn't seem to mind living in a place where there are people underneath. There, after I moved out for that reason, one of the most difficult periods of my insomnia in my life was triggered. Add to that the sudden death of my mother a few months later and you can imagine how difficult the days and nights became. I was taking medication and that helped a lot, that's the reality. It turns out that in my new home an appliance in the building is having defects and makes an unbearable noise all night long, which is why I couldn't sleep well either. When we are already susceptible to these alert states it becomes even more difficult to sleep, so I accepted the situation (it was either that or move out again) and changed a few things. *I got a fan with a soft noise that would cover the sound shocks. I sleep every night with it on. *I bought earplugs, not the regular kind, but the kind that people who are very sensitive to sound or musicians use. *I do physical activity every day and at night I use low beams. If necessary I listen to very relaxing music and try to meditate for a few minutes. *I have started taking cannabis drops to sleep and they have been very effective for me. I do not pretend with this message to give proven advice or minimize the difficulties of each one as if they were the same as mine, I only share it in order to help those who find it useful. Thank you!

This is a little bit of a read, but you can think of it as a high effort post from someone who means business. I've clearly marked and categorized everything, so feel free to skim the parts that interest you.
What brings me to reddit for dating: For the short of it, I've been doing online dating for about 7 years, and could only describe my experience as a sisyphean struggle. With more traditional dating platforms having been absolutely torturous and a complete waste of time, with me rarely ever finding matches and those I do get ending up being ghosts or people who just don't respond less than productive, I'm hoping this might give me a breakthrough.
Age: 26, open to 18-32~. I’m less about age, more about attraction.
Appearance: 5'8", medium length blond hair (pictures are from when it was short), blue eyes, white skin, slim fit body type. I dress almost exclusively in black if I can help it, hence "closeted goth". I've been told I'm fairly handsome, but I'm including a few (poorly taken) pictures, so you can decide for yourself whether or not I've been lied to!
(Imgur seems to be having problems lately so if you're getting an error that's why. My posts tend to get automatically removed if I include any other image hosters but if you message me I can send alternatives no problem.)
Face: https://imgur.com/a/ykiCkwQ
Body (Warning: Shirtless): https://imgur.com/a/zO96e63
Interests: Many of my interests fall into the "nerd" category. Games (video and tabletop), anime, music, art, sci-fi and fantasy stuff of all varieties. I enjoy a lot of RPG's, and some of my favorite game series include kingdom hearts, fire emblem, dark souls, and a fair few others. I play a lot of league at a fairly high level, but I'm not exactly proud of that because the game damages my sanity at times.
In general, I like to keep in shape, play games with friends, share music I think is great, watch tv/movies/anime (horror and psychological stuff especially), share memes, read, and do some amateur writing. I'm also rather intelligent/insightful and enjoy some nuanced discussion.
Location: Currently in central NJ, somewhere in the no man's land between nyc and philly. I'd prefer someone local who I can meet in person, but won't pass up someone great online who's willing to eventually relocate or that I can eventually relocate to.
Looking For: Monogamous relationship, ideally something serious. I feel that what I'd like the most is to find someone very special to me, who I can love with all my heart and spend my life with. It'd probably be my greatest joy in life to be able to do that, and have someone do so in return. That said, this is just a description of my ideal scenario, not what I'd expect out of every relationship.
Traits I'm Looking For: Kind, loving, trustworthy, understanding. Good sense of humor, emotionally intelligent, communicates well. In this regard, I wouldn't ask for anything I don't freely give. I also very fond of women who are dominant/aggressive in a playful way, as well as role reversal dynamics.
Personality: Generally cool headed, laid back, and kind. Introverted, but can be extroverted when I'm in my element and otherwise comfortable. Deceptively intelligent despite how incredibly basic my pictures look, but I also tend to clown around a lot so that's not easy to discern at first. I’m also very reasonable, with a strong preference for peacefully resolving issues, so you can expect very little to no drama and good communication. Oh, and according to a myers briggs test, I'm an INFJ?
Fun facts: I have a deep and sexy voice which many people don't expect, and a great many people tell me I should get into radio or voice acting. I'm also a bit dead on the inside but that's probably because there's a skeleton living inside me.
Partner preferences: I'm a big fan of goth/alt girls, as well as tomboys. I also really like short hair, usually between pixie and neck length, and have a sizable interest in women that are taller than me. But these aren't dealbreakers! As long as I find you attractive, everything is fine.
Dealbreakers/Requirements : Similar interests are pretty important for me. I tend to play a lot of games in my free time for entertainment, so having a partner that I can do that together with is my ideal. I do have a strong preference for body type that I unfortunately can't get past, with that preference being the thinner end of the spectrum when it comes to proportions/body fat. So basically petite/slim/fit/muscular. PLEASE DON'T BE A SOCIOPATH, OR ACT LIKE ONE!
If you have any questions about anything I mentioned (or didn't), just ask and I'll absolutely answer them for you. I'm very friendly so absolutely feel free to come talk to me.

Part One:
https://www.reddit.com/nosleep/comments/13v4lju/please_help_me_i_think_im_being_stalked_by/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3
Part Two:
It came again. Last night at exactly 10pm.
I don't even know how I'm going to tell you what happened. Or why I'm telling you. I guess I'm just hoping that somebody somewhere will help me to find a way to make it stop.
I packed my bags last night, shortly after writing to you guys on here. I thought that if I could get away from this place before 10pm, I would be able to find sanctuary away from this 'thing'. It took me ten minutes to grab everything that I own, shove it in a suitcase and throw it in the back of my truck, but deep down I knew it wouldn't let me leave.
The tyres on my banged out fiesta had been slashed completely. All four of them! Ripped to shreds like a beast had used them as a chew toy. There was an overwhelming smell of petrol as I walked around the car, desperately thinking of what I could do. Not wanting to admit the real and present danger of the situation I was in, I retreated back to the cabin and searched for my phone. It wasn't much use as I hadn't been able to get any signal at this place for the last three months. It really was an 'unplugged' adventure.
There's a land line in the Main Reception!
Resisting the urge to cry, I forced every bit of bravado I could muster up inside and walked slowly to the Main Reception building, giving every faint noise my complete attention.
The door was locked.
In my haste to leave my cabin today, I had totally forgotten that the season was now at an end and that all of the teens would have been packed on to the coaches earlier this afternoon ready to depart their woodland adventures. This would only leave myself, Roger and Pendle, as skeleton staff for clean up and pack away.
Maybe Roger will have a key?
Walking to Roger's cabin would be no small feat. He preferred to be sited in the more secluded area of the forest, away from the 'reckless, annoying brats' as he called them. Making the journey to his cabin would take at least half hour and there was no obvious path through the trees. It was already 9.30pm and that would mean that I would be getting there just before that 'thing' comes. I know Pendle, our caretaker, didn't sleep on the grounds on the night. He preferred to make an hours commute down the mountain to the little shack that he called home. He was dead against staying overnight, even when we were short staffed and he was offered double pay to be Night supervisor. I thought that was weird at the time, but now I'm wondering if he knows more than he is letting on?
I grabbed my torch and decided that I'd walk to Roger's cabin. I would be safe there and if I was quick, I would get there in good time. Roger wasn't a big man, but he was still company and if I needed anything, I needed company.
About ten minutes into the walk through the overgrown pathway to Roger's cabin, I began to feel myself trembling. The air seemed to be cooler in amongst the trees and I found myself making small clouds of steam with every breath. I folded my arms in front of me and cursed myself for not dressing more appropriately for the cooler temperatures. My ripped jean shorts and vest top were more suited to a summer beach party than a late night hike and I looked like one of those ladies that would offer to wash your car at a service station for charity. It's funny, even when you're in the midst of the most dangerous situation you've ever been in, you still find yourself judging your own aesthetics.
As I walked deeper into the forest, I started to feel like the trees were getting closer to me, enveloping me in an abyss of darkness. They seemed to be growing larger, making me feel small and isolated in their shadows. I quickened the pace, noticing that it was now getting closer to that dreaded time.
Then, in the distance, I saw a welcoming orange glow from the window of Roger's cabin. For a moment I felt safe. Untouchable. And I smiled.
I ran the last 150m or so and began frantically knocking on Roger's door. It didn't take long for him to open the door and pull me inside, with a look of deep concern on his face.
"What's going on? Are you Ok? What's happened?' He blurted out questions with such urgency and such genuine concern, that it made me cry. I seriously opened the floodgates and grabbed on to him with every bit of strength that I could find within me. I didn't realise just how much these past few occurrences had exhausted me. Now that I was safe, I didn't want to explain, I just wanted to stay safe.
Somewhere along the line, Roger had realised that I wasn't ready to divulge the reasons as to why I had turned up hysterically at his cabin door at night, and he stopped asking questions and just hugged me. I wanted that moment to last forever, however my eyes deceived me and began to search Roger's lounge area for a clock. And when I found it, that all too familiar sharp stab of fear penetrated through me. It was 10pm.
Roger must have felt my body tense up completely as he grabbed my arms and held me outstretched in front of him.
"Please tell me what is going on. I can help you", he said in such a calm, soothing voice. He forced a smile through the worry as his eyes pleaded with me to let him in.
Just as I was about to explain, there was a sudden loud bang from the kitchenette area.
"IT'S HEREEEEE, IT'S HEREEEEEEE......." I shrieked as I grabbed on to Roger's arm and pulled him towards me.
Another loud bang drove through the silence. This time from down the hall.
"Oh God, Roger, you need to HELP MEEEEEE!"
An even louder bang came from the bedroom...then another...then another....until bangs surrounded us, each from different areas of the cabin. Sometimes on the wooden walls, then on the windows, then on the roof. It was as though a buffalo stampede was encircling the house and even running over the roof.
I screamed and held on to Roger so tightly as he began to shake and look in the direction of each bang. Then there was one final bang and the front door flew open.
It was the 'thing'. He stood right in front of us and stared, as if he was calculating his next move. His head twitched rapidly from side to side as a foamy substance fell slowly from his drooping lips. His pale, elongated face almost shone through the darkened background of the forest behind him and I found myself staring at his long, thin limbs and his spiny stature. I didn't dare move a muscle as I felt Roger's grip on my arm become tighter.
The 'thing' glided slowly towards us until his face was mere inches away from mine, then he quickly shot his head in Roger's direction and slowly opened his mouth. An extremely high pitched scream-like noise was unleashed from the blackness of his mouth, making Roger fall to the floor in fear.
I just stood there. I didn't help.
I didn't help as the 'thing' raised it's long bony arm and then thrashed down against Roger's skull, tearing away a strip of flesh from his forehead that dangled around his eye socket.
I didn't help as Roger screamed, as the second blow ripped his eye ball out of the socket and tore away two of his fingers that had been used as a shield from the attack of the unnaturally sharp talons.
I just stood there as Roger crawled on the floor, gargling on his own blood and gripping his neck after that humanoid creature has buried it's nails into his throat and scraped through his jugular.
Before he died, he looked up at me. He looked right into my eyes and it looked like he was asking 'why?'
I just screamed. And screamed. And screamed.
The 'thing' didn't even look at me. It just turned away and glided out of the front door. Before it exited completely, It raised its arm in front of it and I could hear what sounded like a slurping noise. I didn't even want to think about what it was doing, but I'm sure that what I heard was that humanoid freak sucking Roger's blood off it's claws.
Then it was gone.
I don't know how long I stayed there, but I must've said sorry a hundred times. I didn't mean for this to happen. I didn't understand why it was happening. I still don't.
But I do know that I can't get anyone else involved in this nightmare. I need to deal with this myself. I can't risk anyone else getting hurt.
But maybe Pendle knows something?

My dad got into D&D recently and me and him have been playing for a while and he has a really specific idea for a character. For those who've seen black clover think asta. For those who haven't essentially a barbarian subclass that specializes in countering magic and I have an idea of how it can work and but I wanna check with this subreddit to see if its decently balanced.
Lore wise: when so many mages use and abuse the weave and magic in genral there eventually is a push back from the weave itself creating a person made to defeat mages enter the Path of the Arcane Wrath
COMBATIVE CASTER Level 3: when this subclass is chosen the user has very limited access to spell casting being able to use mage hand, magic missile, spiritual weapon, and shielf of faith as well as having advantage on saving throws against spells
WRATH OF THE WEAVE Also when raging the barbarian gets the following extra benefits - he has resistance to spell damage - and when a spell technically misses he can use his reaction to reflect the spell back at the caster.
ARCANE ABSORPTION At sixth level when the barbarian is damaged by a spell he can use a reaction to halve the damage and then use the same spell up to a minute later with concentration
SPIRITUAL ASSISTANT At tenth level the barbarain can summon a energy copy of himself as a bonus action that has one health point and allows the barbarain to make a second action only being a melee attack from the assistant. Think limited echo knight fighter range is 15 ft
MAGIC NEGATION At 14th level the barbarian can make any spell cast have no effect 5 times and recharges these uses after a long rest
All spells that are psionic are not affected by the barbarian
So I wanna know what the more knowledgeable dnd veterans think about this potential subclass. Too strong too weak, sounds cool? What do you all think?

California state prison Life is truly unpredictable. We all once dreamed of becoming doctors or lawyers, shaping our futures with optimism. But here I am, confined within these prison walls—a reality I never fathomed. Yet, in this desolate place, it seems that no one truly cares. Two months have passed since I arrived, and each day is an arduous struggle for survival, a constant battle against the law of the jungle in its most modern form. Every passing day feels like a never-ending nightmare, gradually consuming my sanity. I can feel myself descending into madness, constantly on edge, my fight-or-flight instinct perpetually activated. There is no respite, not even in the darkness of night. The air is thick with the echoes of tormented screams that haunt our sleep, ensuring that even our dreams are tainted with despair. It’s bewildering how this place not only confines the body but also imprisons the mind. Amidst this bleak existence, I find solace in the intimidating visage I possess and the imposing physique I bear. It sets me apart from those who have succumbed to the depths of this grim abyss, their bodies now six feet under the ground. However, my physique alone could only provide limited protection. It is my own foolish mistakes that may ultimately lead to my demise, or rather, will lead to my death. I have already committed my first error by offending a notorious gang leader. I wish it were a grave offense like taking the life of one of his subordinates, but instead, it was something as trivial as sitting at the wrong table in the canteen. And now, he seeks to end my life. My cellmate warned me of the bounty placed on my head, a sick game concocted by that bastard to torment me. As the cell door buzzed open, its mechanical groan reverberated through the air, signaling the dreaded lunchtime. A chill slithered down my spine, mingling with the sickening anticipation of what awaited me beyond those iron bars. I knew all too well that this time, caution was not merely a choice but a matter of life and death. Every step I took outside, I was acutely aware of the lurking shadows, the hidden dangers ready to strike. The guard’s barked command sliced through the air like a serrated blade, slicing away any semblance of safety or comfort. His voice dripped with sadistic pleasure as he herded us, defenseless prisoners, towards the canteen, a place where pain and violence lurked like ravenous beasts. My heart hammered in my chest, a rapid percussion of fear, as I analyzed my surroundings with feral instinct. I scoured every corner for hidden threats, my eyes darting from one shadow to another, assessing blind spots like a hunted animal on the verge of its last stand. In that moment, an opportunity, as precarious as a spider’s silk, presented itself. The guard, his malevolence etched deep into his sneering face, loomed close to me. I weighed my options, knowing that the wrong move would condemn me to a merciless demise. The specter of death whispered in my ear, urging me to fight back, to strike first and defy the shackles of my oppressors. Without a flicker of hesitation, my hand shot out, the palm of my trembling hand connecting with the guard’s face in a resounding slap that echoed through the corridor. His expression twisted into a grotesque mask of rage, a harbinger of the storm that was about to be unleashed upon me. “You fucker! Come here!” his voice boomed, a thunderous growl that reverberated in the depths of my soul. He charged towards me, wielding his formidable bat with a sadistic gleam in his eyes, as if relishing the opportunity to unleash his cruelty upon my defenseless body. Driven by desperation, I fought back, fueled by the primal instinct to survive at any cost. Blow after blow, I struck with a ferocity borne from a place deep within me, each slap a desperate plea for freedom. But my resistance was futile, a fleeting flicker of defiance in the face of an unyielding storm. The guard’s retaliatory onslaught descended upon me like a torrential downpour of unrelenting agony. His weapon became an extension of his twisted will, delivering bone-shattering blows that fractured my body and shattered my spirit. The searing pain tore through every fiber of my being, eclipsing any physical torment I had endured before. It surpassed the brutality inflicted by my own father, a testament to the depths of human cruelty. Mocking laughter mingled with the sound of my screams, the guard’s sadistic delight intensifying with every strike. I writhed in excruciating pain, my body a mere vessel of suffering, on the precipice of vomiting up the wretched food that had been forced upon me. Each kick landed with merciless precision, a merciless reminder of my insignificance, reducing me to a broken, battered shell of a human being. Finally, my ravaged form was dragged away, cast into the suffocating darkness of solitary confinement. The door closed behind me, sealing my fate within these desolate walls. As the agonizing throbs of pain merged with the suffocating isolation, a twisted symphony of despair played on, etching its haunting melody into the deepest recesses of my mind. Finally, I had survived, but at what cost? A bitter reflection consumed me as I surveyed my new home. “Hey, kid,” a weathered voice suddenly pierced the suffocating silence. The timbre of his voice revealed a man well into his sixties or beyond. Straining to locate the source, I realized it originated from the cell adjacent to mine. Surprised and puzzled, I questioned how I could hear him. Shouldn’t I be in complete isolation? “Kid, I know you can hear me,” he confidently declared, as if he held a secret knowledge. Uncertainty gripped me, leaving me unsure of how to respond or what actions to take in this confined world. To hell with it, I thought. I was already in isolation, so why not engage in conversation? I needed someone to talk to, to maintain a sliver of sanity amidst the suffocating solitude. Even though I believed I wouldn’t lose my grip on reality, I knew that prolonged isolation could weaken even the strongest of minds. So, with a mixture of curiosity and apprehension, I mustered the courage to respond, “Yeah, I can hear you, old man. What do you want?” Yet, a nagging question lingered in the back of my mind. How was it even possible for the old man to communicate with me in this isolated prison? “Nothing. I don’t need anything. I just want to talk. Is that a problem?” the old man’s voice carried a hint of loneliness, longing for connection. “No, not at all,” I replied, my curiosity piqued by his request. “Well then, what’s your name, kid?” he inquired, his tone friendly. “I’m Anvis. And you?” I responded, eager to continue the conversation. “What a peculiar name. Well, I’ve heard stranger names in my lifetime. I’m Sam,” he revealed, his voice warm and inviting. “So, what landed you in this place?”he asked “I was involved in the creation and sale of ghost weapons,” I confessed, a tinge of regret in my voice. “Ghost weapons… ah, yes, I’ve heard about them. You mean those 3D-printed guns? You must have had quite the knack for designing them,” Sam remarked, genuinely interested. “I suppose you could say that, though I never intended for things to turn out this way,” I explained, a mix of frustration and remorse seeping into my words. Sam’s voice filled with curiosity as he asked, “What do you mean?” “Let’s just say I was caught up in a difficult situation. Growing up as an orphan, I found myself entangled with the wrong crowd, doing whatever it took to survive. Unfortunately, that path led me to get involved in the production of ghost weapons. I had no choice, really. It was a matter of self-preservation,” I confessed, a hint of vulnerability in my voice I don’t know why but I was confessing to Sam I felt warmth I felt like talking with a friend. Listening intently, Sam responded empathetically, “Sometimes life pushes us into corners we never anticipated. It’s not always easy to make the right choices when survival is at stake.” Encouraged by his understanding, I continued, “Exactly. I didn’t want any part in it, but circumstances forced my hand. I was coerced into designing those guns under the threat of exposure. However, fate had its own plans. When I went to deliver the weapons, the authorities swooped in, intercepting the guns before they could be used for harm. In a strange way, I felt a sense of relief that they didn’t end up causing any damage.” Sam nodded thoughtfully before sharing his own story, “Well, in my case, I had quite an extraordinary entrance into this prison. I fell through a portal and ended up here.” Oh great I am talking to a lunatic.

I’m 27. When I was 13/14, I started having weird throat issues all the time. It felt like my throat had a lot of pressure in it, like a weird tension feeling, and the only thing that helped was when I ate/drank something or swallowed. This would help then it would come back a few minutes or so later. I had weird issues swallowing saliva too. I saw an ear nose & throat doctor about this and was told my issue was acid reflux. Doctor prescribed reflux medication and told me to sleep on an incline. I did those things for a while, but it didn’t help. Supposedly I was treating the issue and the doctor didn’t know why I wasn’t improving but told me to continue doing what I was doing to supposedly treat it. I saw some other doctors that weren’t sure either. I pretty much learned to just live like that but it was annoying and started to take over my life to the point that every day revolved around coping with my throat and dealing with the bad anxiety it was causing. I used to avoid things, had no life, had to make sure I always had something to drink to help my throat, and felt really stressed about the whole thing and how it was affecting me. On a side note, I also used to breathe mostly through my mouth as well. No one really knew, but I was really miserable all the time because of this stuff.
At 15, I started to feel like a brain fog on top of the throat issues. Something I’d never felt before. It was like my brain felt like mush all the time, no matter how much sleep I got. Like that feeling when you sleep really bad for a couple nights and feel like crap, except I was sleeping enough. Felt kind of spaced out constantly, couldn’t concentrate as well, I never wanted to do anything, felt apathetic, and just kind of crappy all the time. Wasn’t severe but was definitely impacting my day to day life. I went back to seeing doctors. Lots of doctors said there was nothing medically wrong with me and some even said that the brain fog (and maybe even the throat issues) were all psychological. I didn’t feel like that was it because my symptoms felt so real and physical but what did I know. I was prescribed antidepressants and doctors recommended I see a therapist for bad anxiety issues. I spent the next couple of years trying multiple medications, seeing therapists, and making other changes but nothing helped. I thought I was going crazy. In those few years that passed, I had slowly started to feel worse. By the time I graduated high school, the constant mental fog and tiredness were affecting me pretty bad. I felt stressed and anxious nonstop. I had almost no life during high school because of it and did just the bare minimum to get by. With lots of doctors telling me there was nothing physically wrong with me, I started to believe them about it being all mental. I thought it was something I was doing wrong personally. At this point I wasn’t even talking to my family about it as much since supposedly there was nothing wrong and it was all in my head. Especially when doctor after doctor were saying nothing was wrong and because my symptoms were mostly feeling tired all the time, what was I supposed to say? It felt like it was my personal fault for feeling the way I did. Everyone gave me the impression that my issues were because of me and I just needed to change my mindset and lifestyle and I’d feel better. Do anxiety workbooks, deep breathing, get more sleep, take antidepressants, therapy. I did every single thing doctors and therapists told me to do, but nothing helped. Doctors and therapists made me question my sanity every day. It was hell.
I was in no shape to go to college out of state, but I did. I ended up going because supposedly there was nothing wrong with me and I was trying desperately to believe it was all in my head like doctors and therapists and my family were saying. I just needed to change my way of thinking and lifestyle and that would cure the constant brain fog and tiredness and throat issues. So I pushed myself to go, hoping I’d sort it out. I spent the next 4 years slowly feeling worse, still seeing doctors but getting no legit answers. I'd go months and months at a time without seeing a doctor as I didn't know where to turn and had given up at times. I saw a doctor about sleep apnea but didn't seem to fit almost any of the symptoms. Stuff like waking up trying to get air, choking, stopping breathing, snoring, wasn't overweight, wasn't unhealthy, didn’t have a family history of it or other health issues. Still, I tried one of those moldable mouthpieces that’s supposed to help with sleep apnea but didn't see any benefit from it. So with all of this, I figured it’s probably not sleep apnea. I was so desperate, I was constantly trying all sorts of medications, supplements, and other weird things to try and help myself. I felt like I was losing my damn mind. My mental health was horrendous. Felt like crap 24/7. I literally felt stupid because my brain wasn’t working. Dealing with symptoms and figuring out what was wrong with me consumed my entire life. I would occasionally go to class after taking a big dose of stimulant drugs, but even those only did so much. No amount of caffeine pills, energy drinks did anything either. I was beyond that stuff helping. I experienced almost nothing enjoyable in those 4 years of college and had basically no life, really no friends, hobbies, nothing. Really the only experience I had during college was when I went on a study abroad trip but it was hell because I felt so awful the whole time. I had also joined a fraternity in the beginning of college but did almost nothing with them for the same reason. The mental tiredness had gotten so bad it felt like I was disconnected and living in a dream. Like I felt kind of drunk. I was so mentally and emotionally numb and exhausted I didn’t even feel human. Like I physically could not feel emotions and felt super spaced out. I was also still dealing with the throat issues. I’d get random dizziness, my vision got worse (more sensitive to bright light, bad floaters in my eyes). I somehow managed to graduate college and finished feeling significantly worse than when I began. I was so miserable and had no one to talk to about what was going on. But I was at least glad that college was over, because it sucked horribly.
I spent the next year doing just the bare minimum to get by. About a year after college (2019), I had a sleep study done and results came back with moderate sleep apnea. For the first time I actually had an answer. Sleep doctor immediately prescribed a CPAP machine. Didn’t even bother to wonder why a young healthy person has sleep apnea to begin with, because it’s not normal. I spent the next 2ish years trying multiple machines, masks, changing all the settings, but only saw some improvement. Keeping the CPAP consistently on throughout the night was also a struggle in itself as it was super awkward and uncomfortable, even though I was desperately trying to make it work. When I was able to keep it on for 5+ hours a night I felt a bit better but it was really difficult to do so consistently. During this time I couldn’t really hold down a job, other than some really basic, short term jobs. And even those felt brutal. My relationships with everyone were affected pretty bad. I was a complete zombie because the tiredness was so overwhelming. It was as an amount of brain fog and exhaustion I didn’t know was humanly possible. I was making myself basically sick with stimulants that really weren't helping and even had a doctor at one point tell me that I should get genetic testing for depression or have my brain zapped with electric shocks. I luckily didn't go that route.
After two years of messing with machines, my sleep doctor then recommended I see a maxillofacial doctor to see what the underlying breathing issue was being caused by. The doctor recommended I get a custom mouthpiece made that shifts the lower jaw forward to help open the airway to prevent breathing issues while sleeping. The process of having it fitted and made took a couple months. I even took a “real” job during this same time because I had two different doctors telling me that this mouthpiece was likely to help me a lot. I felt like I couldn’t have gotten the mouthpiece fast enough. I ended up messing with the mouthpiece for months and had no benefit at all. Literally zero. The dentist who made the mouthpiece said that the mouthpiece wasn’t helping because I might just have “weak muscle tone” in my throat and that I should see someone called a myofunctional doctor to supposedly improve muscle tone in the throat and tongue. I looked into that and it seemed like total quack stuff so I didn’t do it and completely dropped that dentist that made my mouthpiece and suggested this. I then saw an ear nose and throat doctor and later did a sleep endoscopy with him where I was put to sleep and had my breathing monitored with a camera down my throat. The doctor said that my breathing issues were being caused by my throat and jaw and suggested that since the mouthpiece wasn’t helping, I could get surgery or have a device called Inspire surgically inserted into my chest and neck to artificially help breathing. I held off on that cause it sounded pretty extreme and thought there had to be something else. During this time I had to leave the job I should’ve never taken in the first place because I was so non-functional.
I pretty much gave up for months. I eventually scheduled an appointment with another ear nose & throat doctor (the same kind of doctor I saw when I was 13). I'd already seen many ear nose & throat doctors by this point but didn't know what else to do. Don’t remember how exactly it happened, but the connection was made that my issues were due to really abnormal nasal breathing. Something called nasal valve stenosis, where both sides of my nose were completely caving in and blocking most air, leading to crappy breathing, even when just breathing in lightly. This issue is worse during sleep and was causing my brain to “wake up” every time my nose had the obstruction. So I was struggling to breathe all night and I was slowly feeling worse as I was never getting good deep sleep. So the bad sleep every night just kept accumulating over the course of 10+ years. He also explained that my throat issues were a sign that my nose wasn’t functioning normally, which was causing airflow issues and a throat pressure feeling as a result. But weirdly the nasal issues weren’t being caused by my nose itself. There’s nothing actually wrong with my nose. It’s the middle part of the face that provides the base and support for the nose that is lacking the support needed to keep the nose open for normal breathing. Doctor said it’s really abnormal for nasal collapse to happen like this as a result of the face just not developing properly. It was just the way the middle of my face grew and changed over time, especially during puberty, that led to this. Doctor said it is called midface deficiency. It’s the area of the face just to the sides of the nose, below the eyes. Doctor said facial surgery is really what I needed but said nasal surgery could potentially help a bit and is less intense of a surgery, so I decided to go with that. Everything finally made sense for the first time ever. I even recorded my sleep and sure enough I could hear myself struggling to breathe all night.
Last year (2022), I had nasal valve surgery. It took a long time to recover from surgery and I still have to wear something in my nose when I sleep to prevent it from pinching shut because the surgery only helped a bit. I will still have to look into facial surgery to address the underlying issue as my breathing is still horrible during the day when I’m not wearing a dilator in my nose but at night I wear it and am good. Over time most of my issues have gone away. The slowly worsening exhaustion and brain fog and cognitive issues that started when I was a teenager. The constant severe anxiety and stress feelings I had since I was a kid. Throat issues gone. I no longer feel like killing myself out of misery. It was that obvious all along but untreated made my life constant fucking torture. Feeling horrible nonstop, slowly getting worse, not knowing why, being told there was nothing wrong with me and that it was all psychological, trying all sorts of things with no benefit, and having my entire life be ruined was a mental hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I don’t feel like my teens and most my 20s actually happened because I was in such poor health physically and mentally 24/7. I wish I had been able to see decent doctors earlier, but obviously that didn’t happen. I’m not even sure how I wasn’t able to make the connection myself. I think I was just so used to really bad breathing since I was young I didn’t know it was abnormal and had no reason to think I had some weird issue cause why would I? I still struggle with the mental effects of I think living like this for so long. These issues consumed everything for over 10 years so I guess it’s not surprising that it still affects me mentally even after the fact. Thanks for reading and hopefully this can help someone out there.
TLDR: Slowly worsening chronic fatigue/brain fog and other issues for 10+ years was due to really bad nasal breathing, mostly nasal valve collapse due to midface deficiency that developed when I was a teenager and was leading to sleep apnea
Here's photos of my nose just breathing in slightly deeper than normal:
https://imgur.com/aQWsJeX
https://imgur.com/a/7NsNIWo

I’m 27. When I was 13/14, I started having weird throat issues all the time. It felt like my throat had a lot of pressure in it, like a weird tension feeling, and the only thing that helped was when I ate/drank something or swallowed. This would help then it would come back a few minutes or so later. I had weird issues swallowing saliva too. I saw an ear nose & throat doctor about this and was told my issue was acid reflux. Doctor prescribed reflux medication and told me to sleep on an incline. I did those things for a while, but it didn’t help. Supposedly I was treating the issue and the doctor didn’t know why I wasn’t improving but told me to continue doing what I was doing to supposedly treat it. I saw some other doctors that weren’t sure either. I pretty much learned to just live like that but it was annoying and started to take over my life to the point that every day revolved around coping with my throat and dealing with the bad anxiety it was causing. I used to avoid things, had no life, had to make sure I always had something to drink to help my throat, and felt really stressed about the whole thing and how it was affecting me. On a side note, I also used to breathe mostly through my mouth as well. No one really knew, but I was really miserable all the time because of this stuff.
At 15, I started to feel like a brain fog on top of the throat issues. Something I’d never felt before. It was like my brain felt like mush all the time, no matter how much sleep I got. Like that feeling when you sleep really bad for a couple nights and feel like crap, except I was sleeping enough. Felt kind of spaced out constantly, couldn’t concentrate as well, I never wanted to do anything, felt apathetic, and just kind of crappy all the time. Wasn’t severe but was definitely impacting my day to day life. I went back to seeing doctors. Lots of doctors said there was nothing medically wrong with me and some even said that the brain fog (and maybe even the throat issues) were all psychological. I didn’t feel like that was it because my symptoms felt so real and physical but what did I know. I was prescribed antidepressants and doctors recommended I see a therapist for bad anxiety issues. I spent the next couple of years trying multiple medications, seeing therapists, and making other changes but nothing helped. I thought I was going crazy. In those few years that passed, I had slowly started to feel worse. By the time I graduated high school, the constant mental fog and tiredness were affecting me pretty bad. I felt stressed and anxious nonstop. I had almost no life during high school because of it and did just the bare minimum to get by. With lots of doctors telling me there was nothing physically wrong with me, I started to believe them about it being all mental. I thought it was something I was doing wrong personally. At this point I wasn’t even talking to my family about it as much since supposedly there was nothing wrong and it was all in my head. Especially when doctor after doctor were saying nothing was wrong and because my symptoms were mostly feeling tired all the time, what was I supposed to say? It felt like it was my personal fault for feeling the way I did. Everyone gave me the impression that my issues were because of me and I just needed to change my mindset and lifestyle and I’d feel better. Do anxiety workbooks, deep breathing, get more sleep, take antidepressants, therapy. I did every single thing doctors and therapists told me to do, but nothing helped. Doctors and therapists made me question my sanity every day. It was hell.
I was in no shape to go to college out of state, but I did. I ended up going because supposedly there was nothing wrong with me and I was trying desperately to believe it was all in my head like doctors and therapists and my family were saying. I just needed to change my way of thinking and lifestyle and that would cure the constant brain fog and tiredness and throat issues. So I pushed myself to go, hoping I’d sort it out. I spent the next 4 years slowly feeling worse, still seeing doctors but getting no legit answers. I'd go months and months at a time without seeing a doctor as I didn't know where to turn and had given up at times. I saw a doctor about sleep apnea but didn't seem to fit almost any of the symptoms. Stuff like waking up trying to get air, choking, stopping breathing, snoring, wasn't overweight, wasn't unhealthy, didn’t have a family history of it or other health issues. Still, I tried one of those moldable mouthpieces that’s supposed to help with sleep apnea but didn't see any benefit from it. So with all of this, I figured it’s probably not sleep apnea. I was so desperate, I was constantly trying all sorts of medications, supplements, and other weird things to try and help myself. I felt like I was losing my damn mind. My mental health was horrendous. Felt like crap 24/7. I literally felt stupid because my brain wasn’t working. Dealing with symptoms and figuring out what was wrong with me consumed my entire life. I would occasionally go to class after taking a big dose of stimulant drugs, but even those only did so much. No amount of caffeine pills, energy drinks did anything either. I was beyond that stuff helping. I experienced almost nothing enjoyable in those 4 years of college and had basically no life, really no friends, hobbies, nothing. Really the only experience I had during college was when I went on a study abroad trip but it was hell because I felt so awful the whole time. I had also joined a fraternity in the beginning of college but did almost nothing with them for the same reason. The mental tiredness had gotten so bad it felt like I was disconnected and living in a dream. Like I felt kind of drunk. I was so mentally and emotionally numb and exhausted I didn’t even feel human. Like I physically could not feel emotions and felt super spaced out. I was also still dealing with the throat issues. I’d get random dizziness, my vision got worse (more sensitive to bright light, bad floaters in my eyes). I somehow managed to graduate college and finished feeling significantly worse than when I began. I was so miserable and had no one to talk to about what was going on. But I was at least glad that college was over, because it sucked horribly.
I spent the next year doing just the bare minimum to get by. About a year after college (2019), I had a sleep study done and results came back with moderate sleep apnea. For the first time I actually had an answer. Sleep doctor immediately prescribed a CPAP machine. Didn’t even bother to wonder why a young healthy person has sleep apnea to begin with, because it’s not normal. I spent the next 2ish years trying multiple machines, masks, changing all the settings, but only saw some improvement. Keeping the CPAP consistently on throughout the night was also a struggle in itself as it was super awkward and uncomfortable, even though I was desperately trying to make it work. When I was able to keep it on for 5+ hours a night I felt a bit better but it was really difficult to do so consistently. During this time I couldn’t really hold down a job, other than some really basic, short term jobs. And even those felt brutal. My relationships with everyone were affected pretty bad. I was a complete zombie because the tiredness was so overwhelming. It was as an amount of brain fog and exhaustion I didn’t know was humanly possible. I was making myself basically sick with stimulants that really weren't helping and even had a doctor at one point tell me that I should get genetic testing for depression or have my brain zapped with electric shocks. I luckily didn't go that route.
After two years of messing with machines, my sleep doctor then recommended I see a maxillofacial doctor to see what the underlying breathing issue was being caused by. The doctor recommended I get a custom mouthpiece made that shifts the lower jaw forward to help open the airway to prevent breathing issues while sleeping. The process of having it fitted and made took a couple months. I even took a “real” job during this same time because I had two different doctors telling me that this mouthpiece was likely to help me a lot. I felt like I couldn’t have gotten the mouthpiece fast enough. I ended up messing with the mouthpiece for months and had no benefit at all. Literally zero. The dentist who made the mouthpiece said that the mouthpiece wasn’t helping because I might just have “weak muscle tone” in my throat and that I should see someone called a myofunctional doctor to supposedly improve muscle tone in the throat and tongue. I looked into that and it seemed like total quack stuff so I didn’t do it and completely dropped that dentist that made my mouthpiece and suggested this. I then saw an ear nose and throat doctor and later did a sleep endoscopy with him where I was put to sleep and had my breathing monitored with a camera down my throat. The doctor said that my breathing issues were being caused by my throat and jaw and suggested that since the mouthpiece wasn’t helping, I could get surgery or have a device called Inspire surgically inserted into my chest and neck to artificially help breathing. I held off on that cause it sounded pretty extreme and thought there had to be something else. During this time I had to leave the job I should’ve never taken in the first place because I was so non-functional.
I pretty much gave up for months. I eventually scheduled an appointment with another ear nose & throat doctor (the same kind of doctor I saw when I was 13). I'd already seen many ear nose & throat doctors by this point but didn't know what else to do. Don’t remember how exactly it happened, but the connection was made that my issues were due to really abnormal nasal breathing. Something called nasal valve stenosis, where both sides of my nose were completely caving in and blocking most air, leading to crappy breathing, even when just breathing in lightly. This issue is worse during sleep and was causing my brain to “wake up” every time my nose had the obstruction. So I was struggling to breathe all night and I was slowly feeling worse as I was never getting good deep sleep. So the bad sleep every night just kept accumulating over the course of 10+ years. He also explained that my throat issues were a sign that my nose wasn’t functioning normally, which was causing airflow issues and a throat pressure feeling as a result. But weirdly the nasal issues weren’t being caused by my nose itself. There’s nothing actually wrong with my nose. It’s the middle part of the face that provides the base and support for the nose that is lacking the support needed to keep the nose open for normal breathing. Doctor said it’s really abnormal for nasal collapse to happen like this as a result of the face just not developing properly. It was just the way the middle of my face grew and changed over time, especially during puberty, that led to this. Doctor said it is called midface deficiency. It’s the area of the face just to the sides of the nose, below the eyes. Doctor said facial surgery is really what I needed but said nasal surgery could potentially help a bit and is less intense of a surgery, so I decided to go with that. Everything finally made sense for the first time ever. I even recorded my sleep and sure enough I could hear myself struggling to breathe all night.
Last year (2022), I had nasal valve surgery. It took a long time to recover from surgery and I still have to wear something in my nose when I sleep to prevent it from pinching shut because the surgery only helped a bit. I will still have to look into facial surgery to address the underlying issue as my breathing is still horrible during the day when I’m not wearing a dilator in my nose but at night I wear it and am good. Over time most of my issues have gone away. The slowly worsening exhaustion and brain fog and cognitive issues that started when I was a teenager. The constant severe anxiety and stress feelings I had since I was a kid. Throat issues gone. I no longer feel like killing myself out of misery. It was that obvious all along but untreated made my life constant fucking torture. Feeling horrible nonstop, slowly getting worse, not knowing why, being told there was nothing wrong with me and that it was all psychological, trying all sorts of things with no benefit, and having my entire life be ruined was a mental hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I don’t feel like my teens and most my 20s actually happened because I was in such poor health physically and mentally 24/7. I wish I had been able to see decent doctors earlier, but obviously that didn’t happen. I’m not even sure how I wasn’t able to make the connection myself. I think I was just so used to really bad breathing since I was young I didn’t know it was abnormal and had no reason to think I had some weird issue cause why would I? I still struggle with the mental effects of I think living like this for so long. These issues consumed everything for over 10 years so I guess it’s not surprising that it still affects me mentally even after the fact. Thanks for reading and hopefully this can help someone out there.
TLDR: Slowly worsening chronic fatigue/brain fog and other issues for 10+ years was due to really bad nasal breathing, mostly nasal valve collapse due to midface deficiency that developed when I was a teenager and was leading to sleep apnea
​
Here's photos of my nose just breathing in slightly deeper than normal:
https://imgur.com/aQWsJeX
https://imgur.com/a/7NsNIWo

Hi everyone, i wanted to hear some opinions on what to do exactly..
So since December my left eye has been annoying me SO much, i can’t really 100% compare it to anything but a few things that feel similar are like putting an oil on ur face and getting it into ur eye or a contact lens that’s not the right size. So it feels kind of blurry and i see double sometimes, but the thing is some days are not as bad as other days. It’s not constantly the same kind of blurryness. I don’t know if it makes sense.
My symptoms actually happened a week after i had covid so my logic was oh it’s probably a side effect of covid so i’ll probably wait until it goes away..until March. I couldn’t study normally anymore so that’s when i made an appointment with my GP. He gave a referral to an eye clinic and they gave me an appointment 6 weeks later.
They did a few tests and only told me i had dry eyes and to use Terra-Cortril for my complaints for 2 weeks which i did. My eye was doing really well and my symptoms were 100% gone.
Then i had my check in a month later, on May 23rd, and literally a day after on May 24rd my symptoms are slowly starting again. I really don’t and can’t wait with these symptoms again for 6 weeks :/ So my question is can i just start with Terra-Cortril again? Cuz my symptoms went away when i used it. I will try to make an appointment asap but i have no idea when they will have space for me. They also gave me Zaditen eyedrops for my hay fever at my check in appointment.
I’ve been using Hylan eyedrops for the past 5 years, twice everyday. I also clean my eyelids every morning with Blephasol because i had blepharitis in the past.

Hi everyone, i wanted to hear some opinions on what to do exactly..
So since December my left eye has been annoying me SO much, i can’t really 100% compare it to anything but a few things that feel similar are like putting an oil on ur face and getting it into ur eye or a contact lens that’s not the right size. So it feels kind of blurry and i see double sometimes, but the thing is some days are not as bad as other days. It’s not constantly the same kind of blurryness. I don’t know if it makes sense.
My symptoms actually happened a week after i had covid so my logic was oh it’s probably a side effect of covid so i’ll probably wait until it goes away..until March. I couldn’t study normally anymore so that’s when i made an appointment with my GP. He gave a referral to an eye clinic and they gave me an appointment 6 weeks later.
They did a few tests and only told me i had dry eyes and to use Terra-Cortril for my complaints for 2 weeks which i did. My eye was doing really well and my symptoms were 100% gone.
Then i had my check in a month later, on May 23rd, and literally a day after on May 24rd my symptoms are slowly starting again. I really don’t and can’t wait with these symptoms again for 6 weeks :/ So my question is can i just start with Terra-Cortril again? Cuz my symptoms went away when i used it. I will try to make an appointment asap but i have no idea when they will have space for me. They also gave me Zaditen eyedrops for my hay fever at my check in appointment.
I’ve been using Hylan eyedrops for the past 5 years, twice everyday. I also clean my eyelids every morning with Blephasol because i had blepharitis in the past.

Nettie Peterson has known me at my best and at my worst, and after everything that's happened lately, I think I can finally say the same. I'm admittedly not very good at comforting her, though. I haven't had much practice, is all. Historically speaking, she's always been the one to take care of me. My introduction to earth was a confusing, horrifying time for me, and she had dealt with all of it. She'd handled every panic attack, brought me back from every low. When I woke up one night to a drilling pain in my stomach and blood soaking my panties, she managed to keep me calm while explaining that this would now happen every month.
What I'm saying is that the woman is insanely skilled.
Me, not so much. After we had gotten out of the cave, I tried to provide emotional support by petting her hair and talking soothingly. Seeing as I was also distressed, she was doing the same to me, so we were basically sitting on the beach holding each other. To the outside observer, we must have looked rather strange. I was relieved to finally get back to her house. We sat down in front of the TV and ate cupcakes. We have a special system for eating cupcakes. I peel off the frosting and give her rest. It's messy and I have to keep hand wipes nearby everytime, but it's how we do it. We both eat cupcakes whole when we're by ourselves, so it doesn't make much sense either, but when we share, it's always like this.
Once I was sure she was alright, I left her to go off to bed while I made my way back to the hotel, bracing myself for what I expected to be an extremely uncomfortable conversation.
The lobby was dim and quiet. The large, bright ceiling lights had been turned off with only a couple floor lamps illuminating the hall. I walked past the unmanned reception desk and up the stairs, then rapped my knuckles against the door to Frankie's room. After a couple seconds, he opened up. Upon meeting my gaze, he let out a soft gasp, but it wasn't followed by a smile this time. He made way for me to step inside, wordlessly, and I entered without breaking the silence. I sat down on the sofa where he joined me after placing a glass of coconut water in front of me.
For a beat, we both stared at the drink. I didn't take it.
"What you did felt really off earlier," I began. "You were trying to embarrass Nettie. If you were testing your boundaries, if you were trying to see how I'd react, you got your answer. Don't ever make me choose between you two. You'll lose."
"Yes," he said quietly.
"If you don't get along with Nettie, that's one thing. You don't need to. But she was needling you and you made a real effort to be cruel." I paused. "You act so strange sometimes. All bossy and cagey."
"Yes," he repeated, briefly falling silent as he worked away on his gum in slow, contemplative motions. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I did it. I wanted to unsettle her. It's not that I don't like her, she's fine, but at that moment, I simply loathed her. I couldn't tell you why. But I wish I'd kept quiet. I feel gross for spouting off like that."
"Then… why?"
"I don't know! There's this weird feeling, it comes over me and makes me remember stuff that's in the past… Then I get caught up and confused. I run my mouth, but I don't want to make you upset. I swear I won't do it again. I'll rein myself in."
"Will you? This doesn't seem right." I took a deep breath. "Frankie, I have no idea what you are. Even though you know everything about me."
"Not everything," he argued. "You never said a thing about what life was like where you're from. Or who you were before. Yes, that's not what this is about, but I'm just speaking technically."
"You shouldn't have to rely on technicalities to make a point."
"No. Look, I keep wondering what I'm even doing here. I like you a lot. But I haven't thought this through and by now, I'm scared to."
"Stop talking in riddles," I implored him.
He huffed out a chuckle. "I'd have to stop thinking in them first." Before he could add anything else, his phone started vibrating on the TV table. "Oh, dammit," he muttered. Shooting me an uncertain gaze, he reached out for it, his hand hovering above the screen. "Can I?"
"Sure." I let go of a long breath, snatched up the glass and leaned back in my seat as Frankie answered the call. I pick up on a woman's voice talking on the other end.
He kept glancing over at me almost sheepishly as he mumbled words of affirmation into the phone. "Yes… Yeah, I remember… Well, it's not a good time, but I'll do it. Bye." Dropping the device into his lap, he gave me a twist of the mouth. "That was Mae-Lynn. She works at—"
"The diner with you," I cut him off. "I do take note of the other staff there, for your information." I took a sip of my water. "Occasionally."
"I promised to do some shopping for her. She's come down with the flu. Store's closing soon, though, so I'll have to go now."
"Well, that's convenient."
"I was going to ask you to come along."
I agreed. Having lost track of the conversation, the drive was a grim, quiet affair. Frankie took us to one of the more expensive stores in the area, saying that he wanted to treat Mae-Lynn.
"Take a cart," I ordered, and once he had acquired one, I had him hold it still while I climbed inside. He regarded me with a bemused expression but refrained from commenting as he began to roll me down the aisles.
Grocery shopping at night is something else. Eighties music was playing over the radio at a low volume, but the otherwise quiet space made it sound decidedly louder. There was almost the hint of an echo. Safe for two of three singular, tired-looking individuals, Frankie and I were the only people in the store. I had nestled against the back of the cart, my head tipped back to watch Fran's face from below as his eyes roamed the shelves. Occasionally, he'd stop to check the list Mae-Lynn had texted him on his phone.
"If you want anything, speak up," he told me.
"I'm out of cereal," I said, just as we passed the respective aisle. He turned the cart back around, let me pick out a carton of cornflakes and took up walking again. After five minutes of stoically regarding him from my mobile vantage point, I piped up again. "Go back. Wrong ones."
"Well, which ones do you want? I'll get them, it's faster than pushing this thing around."
I shook my head. "No, no, I have to look at them. Go back."
He shook his head to himself but obediently maneuvered the cart back to the shelf with the breakfast items. I took my time picking out a different box, then settled back down.
"Happy?" Fran asked.
"Delighted."
After fifteen minutes, we were getting close to finishing Mae-Lynn's list. Frankie was starting to move towards the cash register, only for me to tug on his arm. "Turn back," I told him, holding up the box. "I don't want them after all. I need different ones."
He stifled a groan. "Sure, Sunshine." I let him roll me all the way back to the cereal aisle where I studied the colorful boxes intensely. "Nevermind," I said, turning back to him. "Let's go."
He started making his way over to the register again when I cleared my throat. "Actually, I think I might have another look."
"Are you kidding me?" he squeaked, only for me to hold his gaze with a smile. "You are," he choked out. "I oughta send you rolling right into that stack of cans."
"You wouldn't dare."
"Is that a challenge?" He glanced about himself, finding that we were alone. Then, he pushed the cart, and it swerved, sliding across the shiny floor. The thrill of the launch washed over me and I started laughing. He lunged for it, grabbing it just in time to prevent the collision.
"Do it again!" I demanded.
He indulged me, sending me swerving and spinning a couple more times. Eventually, he took a running start and pushed me down a long, empty aisle at a breakneck speed. The giggles died in my throat when, seemingly out of thin air, someone appeared at the end of the aisle. My jaw dropped and I reflexively gripped the sides of the cart to protect myself from the impending crash, but the person simply reached out and caught the cart by its edges. Within the blink of an eye, they had managed to steady it. My vehicle had come to a standstill. It all happened incredibly fast, and for a moment, I found myself unable to react. One of the other person's hands had come to rest over mine in the process. Still at a loss for words, I raised my head to meet their gaze.
Those eyes.
My heart, already thundering in my chest, dropped entirely into my stomach. There were pupils filling the void in that formerly uninterrupted pale vastness this time, but I recognized them either way. Seeing them sit in an actual face instead of behind a nondescript black mask was strange, but there was not a doubt in my mind. It was them.
The cultist had jarringly pleasant features that struck me as neither overtly feminine nor masculine. Their tawny skin had an almost bronze sheen to it and short locks of platinum blond hair stuck to their smooth forehead, slick with the same sweat that formed stains beneath the armpits of their light gray t-shirt.
It was like time stood still. The interaction could not have been longer than two seconds in total, but it felt like a full hour. From me staring at our linked hands, to locking eyes with them, to the cold, raw realization, it seemed to me as though forty minutes or more had gone by, followed by another twenty when I watched the crude smile forming on their lips. Their fingers clamped down on my own, and before I knew it, it had happened.
The lights in the store had changed color, taking on a dimmer, sickly green tint. The shelves around us had emptied and the gentle, melodic hum of the radio had been replaced by a deep, droning buzz of static. I was still sitting in the shopping cart, and the cultist was still leaning over me, but their expression had morphed into one of shocked disbelief. Seeing fear on the face of the person who'd stabbed me might have been a great satisfaction to me in any other situation, but right then and there, I was equally as terrified.
I had switched dimensions and was now alone with my attempted murderer.
The thought took a while to sink in, but the clearer it became, the more I felt the need to scream. And yet, not a sound left my lips. My own saliva had turned sour, filling my mouth with an acidic taste. Dread pooled in the pit of my stomach like icy, chilled water and tears were stringing the corners of my eyes. I blinked them away in a hurry, redirecting my gaze at the cultist. They were staring past me in a daze, taking in our changed surroundings before fixing me with a sharp glare.
"Seriously?"
"What?" The word somehow slipped past the lump in my throat.
The cultist made a sweeping gesture at our surroundings. "Where are we? What the hell is this? You don't even have your dimension hopping under control? Not gonna lie, I had higher expectations of you."
"What?" I repeated eloquently.
"You just switched dimensions on my ass. And seeing as you literally crashed into me, I don't think you planned on doing that."
"I didn't," I confirmed.
"That's what I'm talking about."
"You know about dimensions?"
The cultist palmed their face, emitting a deep, low groan. "Clearly."
I scrambled back in the cart, trying to bring some distance between the two of us. I bared my teeth at them, both rows elongating and curving outward. At least I was getting the hang of my physical transformation. "If you come any closer, I'll rip your hand off," I hissed, spittle flying out between my fangs.
"I believe you," they replied, narrowing their eyes at me. "I'm not gonna hurt you."
"That's hard for me to believe."
"Yes, sure. I did and I would again, but not here. Not now. You understand?" they asked pointedly, their voice cutting like a razor blade.
"I'm not sure I do."
"Well, without you, I won't get out of here, and I've stuff to do on the other side." They stepped behind the cart and grabbed onto the handle.
I hastily twisted around to face them. "You know about the finer details of dimension hopping but you can't do it yourself?"
They let out a soft sigh as they began pushing the cart, with me inside, down the empty aisle. "I managed to do it once. Just once. Never again. It's not a great surprise to me that you should be able to switch to the other sides, but I'd thought you'd be able to control it. I think I have your number. I'm pretty sure I know what you are, and we have more in common than you could have probably guessed. That boy you were with on the other hand… I won't lie, he freaks me out. He's got the strangest face and he didn't react to my eyes at all."
"What are you?" I queried, quick to steer him away from the topic of Frankie Preston even though I didn't really expect an honest answer. "How'd you do that the other night? Your… your eye thing?"
"That unsettled you, didn't it? It's not anything I do per se." They shrugged leisurely. "I could just as well ask you where you're hiding your tentacles."
"So you're not human. I didn't think you were," I stated. "What's your business with the Collective? What are you after? Are any of you normal people?"
"As far as I know, I'm the only one who's not." They steered the cart around the corner with a swift, forcible yank and I bumped painfully against the side of the cart. Stifling a yelp, I kept my face straight, looking over the shelves as we passed them. I noticed that some of them weren't entirely empty—there were a couple jars, cans and bags of various goods standing scattered throughout. They looked almost lonely. The cultist, registering my wandering gaze, stopped and grabbed a random plastic jar that looked like it could be containing peanut butter or something of the sort. The label was faded and partially peeled off. They inspected it from all sides before thrusting it into my hands. "Here, open it," they commanded.
"I certainly won't," I replied, a mix of rage and apprehension bubbling in my chest.
"Aren't you curious?"
"No. But if you are, go on and open it yourself."
They grunted, grabbing the jar and unscrewing the red lid. They dropped it to the floor where it bounced off once and rolled away into the darkness. Peering in, their expression remained unchanged. "Nothing. Look." They held it out to me and sure enough, it was empty. I let them hand it to me, intrigue winning me over as I started examining the small container. It was completely unremarkable. I reached two of my fingers inside only for the digits to suddenly be stricken with a searing pain. It flashed through my bones like lightning and I cried out, withdrawing my hand. Suddenly, the floor seemed to quiver. The lights in the store flickered, seeming startlingly bright for a split second only to turn dimly green once more. The cultist let out an involuntary shriek, staggering back before managing to steady themself as everything went back to its former solid state.
"What the fuck was that?" they wheezed.
"An earthquake?" I suggested, not quite knowing what else to say. My pulse was thrumming in my ears, hard enough to split my head in half. It took me a minute to regain a relative state of calm.
"An earthquake? In another dimension? You're messing with me."
"I don't know! Maybe it was… maybe I was nearly jumping back, I have no idea." I shook my head, ignoring the throbbing pain shooting through my temples. "I don't have it all figured out yet, but it's an emotional response. Whenever my flight instinct gets triggered, these dimension switches happen. It was the jar. The jar is painful inside."
"What do you mean?" they asked, eagerly reaching for the jar and sticking their pinky finger into it. They pulled it back out with a howl, letting the jar drop to the floor. "What the hell is up with this place?"
"How would I know?" I argued hotly.
"Yeah, well. Anyways." All of a sudden, their hand was in my hair, tugging on my braid. They yanked my head to the side, and before I could break out my tentacles or try to snap my jaws at them, I could feel their hot breath on my nape. A scream died in my throat, equal parts painful and shocked. My eyes burned, my vision swimming when the cultist dragged their teeth across my skin, leaving a trail of warm saliva. And then, fast and without mercy, they bit down.
The lights turned bright white. The static buzzing that had been hanging in the stale air changed to the familiar eighties music tunes. Squinting into the sudden brightness, the colors of the countless types of packaged products filling the shelves almost seemed to be screaming at me.
We were back.
The cultist disentangled themself, quickly stepping away from me. I looked up, still dazed, to see why. Frankie Preston had come up behind us, snatching the cart away from the other person and pulling it out of their reach. I immediately scrambled up to wrap my arms around him. "That's them," I breathed. "From the Collective."
"I know," he said tonelessly. His eyes, trained on the blonde, spelled murder. "You should get out of here," he added, addressing them. "The shelves here are rickety, they might fall on you."
The cultist's expression was a frozen mix of suppressed uncertainty and confusion. Still, they held the server's gaze. "You should maybe not… do anything stupid," they uttered, their voice almost equally as flat as his.
"I'm all about stupid."
"Then I guess I ought to leave. See you guys soon. It was a pleasure." They threw us a smile that was faker than Frankie's when he waited tables before marching off, leaving the two of us alone in the aisle.
"Are you alright?" Fran asked, running a hand over my mussed braid. "What happened? I'm so… one minute you were here and the next…"
"We switched dimensions."
"I pieced that together. You weren't gone for long… just a couple minutes." He nervously twisted his wet bubble gum around the tip of his finger, drawing nervous strings.
"Were you worried?"
"Out of my mind," he said in a low voice, not meeting my gaze. "I mean, I knew you'd be okay on your own, I wasn't saying that—"
"I wasn't. I'm not," I interrupted him. "I got out alright, sure I did, but I'm not okay right now." I swallowed. My throat was bone dry. "I need to call Mary Markov. She should hear about this."
Frankie nodded along. "Do you want me to do it for you? I'm certain I can give her an accurate description."
I declined and sat back in the cart. Per my request, Fran brought me home after we'd paid for everything. I needed some time alone to relax and pretend everything was normal. I cleaned my room and then looked through job listings, which I admittedly haven't done in a little while. When I couldn't find any other way to procrastinate, I made the call to Mary Markov, which went about as well as could be expected. She wants to see me tomorrow, though. I wish she'd told me about what. For a newsreader, she's really not very forward with her information.
X
1
2: deadbeat roommate
3: creepy crush
4: relocation
5: beach concert
6: First date
7: Temp work
8: roommate talk
9: a dismal worldview
10: warehouse
11: staircase
12: explanation
13: hurt
14: hospital
15: ocean
16: diner
17: government work
18: something in the caves

Have been using a Marantz Nr1509 it's a good avr , however it does not have Dolby atmos or dtsx and many of not all of the major titles in Netfilx Prime etc have that. It's a bit irritating that I'm missing out on it.
I have a modest 3.1 setup with a pair of Wharfedale diamond 11.2 11.c as center and an svs sb1000. May add surrounds but not immediately. I also have a marantz pm6006 that I use to power the left rights, thanksnto preouts on the Nr1509. The avr mainly powers the center and outputs the sub.
Now to note that my speakers have a very laid back and warm sound, good for music and not that great for movies. The avr also does not really power them for that enjoyable feel when watching movies. So then my presumption is that an AVR with a very forward sound and good treble should get thr desired output from thr speakers. Let me know in case I'm wrong.
I've narrowed down on certain options
The Denon x1700h : decent for the price, however it lacs that new factor as the GUI menu is outdated.
Denon x2800h: advantage over the x1700h is that the menu on screen is new and has zone 2 out. So at some point can use my Marantz pm6006 as zone 2 but I'll have to buy another set of speakers.
Onkyo nr7100 or nr6100 : the 7100 is definitely more expensive than the Denons, but has Dirac. Don't know if it would make any difference with my 3.1 setup , smaller room size ? The 6100 seems decent for the price but no Dirac, only Mcacc. Is that not great ?
Pioneer vsx lx305 : as pricey as the Onkyo, though it has Dirac also.
Marantz nr1711 : easiest alternative to the Nr1509, as it supports Atmos and has preouts So that I can use my pm6006 and not let it gather dust. But not sure if it will have that underpowered listening effect on the Wharfedale as explained earlier. Other than that it's a bit old
Marantz cinema 70s : Expensive. Paying only for looks and that new feel over the Nr1711. Has preouts so can use my pm6006.
I have written my thought process in deciding between the AVR'S, and though it might read as though im really confused about this and can't seem to decide I want a AVR that I won't bother replacing for the next couple years. Would really like your thoughts and inputs.
Please help decide and talk some sense into me. Thanks

I had my daughter in December. I struggled with depression my entire pregnancy and was taking Zoloft for it. I don’t really think it helped, but continued taking it since it at least wasn’t making things worse. My OB just seemed to not be very interested in my mood as a result of him being busy.
My husband and I are separated because of immigration issues. We were living together but he asked me to leave during my pregnancy saying that it was unsafe to give birth in his country. This has led me to basically hate his guts because I have been suffering alone and miserable while his life has remained unchanged and I’m not sure he even cares about me or the baby at all though he swears he does. After she was born, he asked me to move back with him but I can’t afford anything now because all of my money goes towards the baby and my bills. And I have a lease now and a job. I can’t just leave now that it’s suddenly convenient for him.
My friends all ghosted me during my pregnancy so I have none left. I talked to one who also has a kid during my pregnancy here and there. But when I reached out and asked if it was okay for me to vent she ignored me. This was while I was still pregnant.
I had a c section after 37 hours of labor. It was depressing even having her without my husband and I live in a conservative part of the country where people seemed to look down on me for having a baby alone. Then trying to take care of her while I was in terrible pain and struggling to get around and pick her up didn’t help matters. I could barely sleep, not only because I had a new baby but was in terrible pain. Meanwhile, my husband sleeps 12 hours every night. And still has the nerve to nap if he has a hard day at work. I resent him so much for making me go through this alone. He still has never met her and it’s been 13 months since I’ve seen him.
I was delivered by a different doctor than my typical OB at a hospital that was part of a different health system. Then, when I returned to him for my 2 week checkup after my c section, he tells me that he knew I was going to have a c section because my hips are shaped weird or something like that and he was going to tell me at my next appointment (I went into labor a day after my 36 week appointment). So, I’m annoyed that I went through all of that labor pain and work for nothing all along when I could’ve at least been warned. Just feels like I’ve been let down by somebody I trusted literally with my life.
I mentioned my depression at this point and it was brushed off as baby blues.
Then at my next appointment a month later I was screened for depression and my doctor talked to me about it and then increased my Zoloft dosage. Other than that, I was told it was normal to feel bad after having a baby.
I called again at maybe 3 months post partum asking to be seen and was told it would be a while because it wasn’t easy to get me in for just mood issues or something like that. I can’t remember how they phrased it. But basically what I got from it was my emotions aren’t a priority over physical issues and I’d be taking a way from patients who need help more than me.
I get it, but everyone says “get help! Tell your OB!” I tried.
In my day to day life, when people ask how things are going with the baby, I’m honest and it seems to bother them. I’m not happy. It’s not going well. I’m exhausted. I hate being a mother. I hate my life. I wish she was never born.
“Oh you don’t mean that!” Or “you wouldn’t trade her for anything!” “But you love her!”
To be honest, I don’t love her. I don’t want anything bad to happen to her and I want her to have a good life but I don’t feel an attachment to her. She’s just a person and a very demanding one. My cousin had a baby just one month after mine was born and I’m jealous of how much support she has and how she’s handled everything so much better than me. I feel like a failure. Her baby was sleeping through the night at 6 weeks old and my baby still wakes up every 3 hours to eat even though everyone says she shouldn’t be that hungry. My cousin has so many people helping her and she obviously has a bond with her baby that I don’t have. She actually seems happy and to love her baby and I just feel nothing when I look at mine.
The only help I have is from my mom but sometimes she acts too optimistic and doesn’t allow me to be upset so that annoys me. I’m very grateful for how much she helps me though but I also know she’s overwhelmed so I try not to make it worse. We both work full time.
My daughter is almost 6 months old now and the depression gets worse and worse. I used to at least have patience and could stay calm through the sleep deprivation and crying but not I’m losing that patience. It’s been 6 months of hell and somehow gets worse when I’m told it should get better. She’s not sleeping better like everyone said she would. Now it’s even harder to get her to sleep because she moves too much.
When she cries I often have to put her in her crib and leave the room for a long time because I get so frustrated and worry I’ll hurt her. Nothing makes me angrier than the sound of her crying and I’ve yelled at her before and feel terrible about it because I know she doesn’t deserve this and I don’t know why I can’t just be calm anymore. I don’t know why I can’t be a good mother and love her.
I never imagined this is what motherhood would be like and I had no idea it could get worse. But every day I get more and more depressed.
I’ve considered inpatient treatment but I can’t afford it and as much as people may say “you can’t afford not to” no, I literally CANNOT afford it. I will be homeless if I don’t go to work. Plus, I have nobody who can keep my baby that long.
I’ve switched doctors and found one who I hope will be better. However, she discovered that I have hyperthyroidism and wants to try to get that taken care of before adjusting my medication since a lot of my issues could be caused by the thyroid. She is willing to increase my Zoloft dose but I’m scared for some reason. I think I’ve just started to feel there is no hope anymore and I’m doomed to misery for the rest of my life.
I never thought I would reach this point of my life. I have never been this depressed before, even through the hardships I’ve faced. I was always good at persevering and continuing on but I can’t anymore. I’m close to losing my shit now and it’s like no matter who I talk to about it they same to think I’m just joking. I have no hope anymore and nothing to look forward to. I just miss my old life and wish I could go back to years ago before I met my husband and just not meet him. I’m sure half the stuff I wrote doesn’t make sense because I’m just all over the place now.
Between work and taking care of this baby while also having no desire to live I just don’t know how much longer I can take it.
I don’t know what to do anymore.

It’s not the way it probably sounds!
I love my job, I work hard and put in long hours because I like it. I have a good relationship with my manager who supports me and advocates for me a lot.
Before this, I haven’t really been ill. Recently I had a medical issue and needed surgery. I was off sick for 4 weeks and then came back on a phased return.
I am now back full time.
A big project has come up and I asked to be considered for it. It will involve working away and long days etc but is really high profile. My manager was concerned that I’m not fully fit yet and didn’t want to set me back but we agreed that I would see OH and see if there were realistic accommodations which would allow me to go.
I’ve just had the report back and it’s bad. They ignored some of what I said and focused on the bad things and strongly recommended against me going away for the project. My manager has now said I can’t go.
I don’t blame my manager for this but am upset with OH.
Do I have the right to appeal this report? Will it help to complain to HR? Can I realistically do anything?

The second edition of ESC took place in Frankfurt, Germany. Does that mean one of the German songs won in 1956 as the usual tradition is? Well no it was Switzerland who also hosted the first edition but apparently didn't want to host another the next year. To this day rumours persist that Germany got second place probably with "Im Wartesaal zum großen Glück" from Walter Andreas Schwarz but since no ranking was released to this day we can't know for sure. Some even believe Germany won. Anyway the good thing about this contest is that this contest can be fully watched with moving images. The director of this was Michael Kehlmann, an Austrian movie director. I sinceryly hope he was better at camerawork for his movies as it was filmed rather static and with a persistence of keeping the artists heads in close-up for lengthy periods which felt rather disturbing to me. Quality wise the songs were in my opinion a lot weaker than the previous edition with most contestants playing it rather safe and with little variety.
1957 saw the introduction of a real jury system where each country had to divide 10 points over the rivaling countries. So here it was made clear you can't vote for your own country, a rule which probably was not in place in 1956 but as of 1957 it was set in stone and never changed. Don't really know if that meant that 1 country could give the full 10 points to just 1 country. I notice however that only France divided their points over 2 countries while all other countries divided their points over 3 to 6 countries. No one ended up with 0 points and every country got points from at least 2 countries. Strange system but at least better than the shady backroom voting from the previous edition, which certainly was put into question and led to protest. To this day there is still a points system and no matter the result there is always people not understanding why song X ended up so low and song Y so high. Some things never change and this adds to the fun. Apparently the points system was borrowed from UK's 'Festival of British Popular Songs' which decided on the entry representing the UK in the ESC. So a scoreboard was introduced which was adapted after each call (by a traditional phone) from one of the juries of the competing countries.
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With the 3 countries broadcasting but not sending a song for various reasons (UK, Austria, Denmark) last year now joining the competition there was no more need for each country to send 2 songs. So 1 song per country (and this remained so for later editions) but 2 people were allowed on stage (in 1956 only solo artists on stage). So more countries involved (10 vs 7 in 1956) but less songs (10 vs 14 in 1956). Last change was a rule stipulating that songs could not exceed 3 minutes but a few countries really went over that limit by quite a margin. Maybe that rule was introduced quite late and therefore no one was disqualified for exceeding it.
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We saw a first duet with Denmark. Italy and the Netherlands had a musician accompanying the singer. We also saw a first prop emerging (Germany) and some other costumes than the traditional tuxedo or evening gown (Denmark).
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For those wanting more info about this edition check the wikipedia page:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eurovision_Song_Contest_1957
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The full show can be watched here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ViOi13j5cO8&t=4s
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1. Belgium - Straatdeuntje - Bobbejaan Schoepen (32 years) starts at 3:15

Just like previous edition the ESC kicked off with a song sung in Dutch however this time it comes from the Dutch/Flemmish speaking part of Belgium (Flanders). Bobbejaan Schoepen was the first Flemmish singer to try. Even though his success period was far before my time I knew that whistling was a trademark of his. He even had a song dedicated to whistling 'De jodelende fluiter' (The yodling whistler). Bobbejaan had an obsession with the Far West and often dressed with a cow-boy hat and later founded a theme park with a Wild West theme giving it his name 'Bobbejaanland'. Here of course he was as expected in a suit but with his hands in his pockets immediately giving him a pretty laid back attitude. The song is indeed a happy one about a melody he hears everywhere he goes making him happy. Don't think this had a chance winning, enjoyable definitely but in the end a bit too simplistic.
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1. Luxembourg - Amours mortes aka Tant de peine - Danièle Dupré (29-30 years) starts at 7:25

Language: French - Result: 4th (tied) - Points: 8
Just like last year Luxembourg send a female French singer to represent them. As expected she went for a French chanson about a break up. I'm absolutely no fan of these type of songs unless it has some quicker pace. Also I often compare French chansons with Edith Piaff whose famous hits at least had some recognizable melody and chorus. Danièle's birth date varies from the source. The most common is that she was born in 1927 but other sources say her birth year is 1938 which is a huge difference. Looks to me 1927 is correct as she already had quite a bit of songs as a minor star and retired from the music business in 1958. She would during the show become long lasting friends with her compatriot entering for France Paule Desjardins.
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1. United Kingdom - All - Patricia Bredin (22 years) starts at 10:55

Language: English - Result: 7th - Points: 6
Patricia Bredin had the honour to be the UK's first ESC entry. She won as part of the Malcolm Lockyer Quartet the first Festival of British Popular Songs convincingly. Patricia was in the first place an actress (Malcolm Lockyer was a film composer and conductor so makes sense) but also did musicals. Presenter Anaid Iplicjian (from Armenian descent) referred to the UK as England a few times. With a duration of 1'52 this song remained the shortest in ESC history until 2015 when Finland came with a song of only 1'27. So yeah I can be pretty short about this entry too. She has a high soprano voice so even if your English is good it's just hard to understand what she is singing most of the time. It felt more like an opera song and I guess that's why it didn't do too well here. Was the disappointing result the reason UK didn't enter in 1958 and also didn't organise the Festival of British Popular Songs? However from 1959 they wouldn't miss a single ESC. Patricia's song was never recorded or released on a single.
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1. Italy - Corde della mia chitarra - Nunzio Gallo (28 years) starts at 13:35

Language: Italian - Result: 6th - Points: 7
In previous edition two young females were sent, this time a male artist got a try. Nunzio Gallo was accompanied by a guitar player who gets quite a bit of exposure with some solos (a really long one at the start). Nunzio sings a ballad which gave me much more latino/Spanish vibes than Italian. He sings a love song not for a woman but for his guitar. This theme actually reminds me of the Belgian entry of 2010 Tom Dice with "Me and my guitar". The biggest problem is the song's duration with over 5 minutes going well beyond the maximum time limit. Also its very slow pace makes it very hard to sit through. Fortunately Italy would bring a real hit in the next edition.
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1. Austria - Wohin kleines Pony - Bob Martin (34 years) starts at 19:45

Language: German - Result: 10th - Points: 3
Debut for Austria but Bob Martin wasn't the first Austrian performing in ESC. That honour goes to Freddy Quinn entering in 1956 for Germany with "So geht das jede Nacht". The song is accompanied by jazzy music. Of course a 30+ guy singing about riding his pony through the fields is a tad weird but at least he seems to be having a good time smiling a lot during his performance. It's also the only song which is (slightly) more uptempo than the other entries. A last place is rather harsh but I can understand this song perhaps didn't really fit well in the contest. After ESC he remained popular in southern Austria. His real name was Leo Heppe.
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1. Netherlands - Net als toen - Corry Brokken (24 years) starts at 23:20

Language: Dutch - Result: 1st - Points: 31
The winning song and this time even a critical one like me will find it hard to disagree. If they stuck to the rules this entry would be disqualified as it is going approximately 1 and half minute over the 3 minutes time limit. However it doesn't feel like ever lasting like Italy's due to a good pacing, great vocals and some really good music accompanying the song. Dutch conductor Dolf van der Linden was so eager to start making the orchestra start before Corry Brokken reached the microphone. Corry's previous entry was a break up song now it's again about a relationship but one that is already lasting a very long time. So yes the couple especially the man have become old (and grey) and their love has become a bit stale. But since he can still flirt (with other women I suppose) his wife wishes he would be sweet and gallant towards her, give her roses, say she is beautiful and all that jazz just like the time they first fell in love (referring to the song's title). Yes it's kinda weird given the young age of Corry and it's rather schmulzy. Also the style is a bit the same as her 1956 song "Voorgoed voorbij". However her vocals and the accompanying music really make up for that. About halfway a violin joins her on stage who also gets a solo towards the end. I'm not surprised this won quite convincingly and deservedly.
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1. Germany - Telefon, Telefon - Margot Hielscher (37 years) starts at 28:30

Language: German - Result: 4th (tied) - Points: 8
Host Germany did the opoosite of Italy after sending 2 men in 1956, now a woman was selected. Margot Hielscher already tried her luck at the German National final in 1956 but was unsuccessful. In 1957 she won and became the first woman to represent Germany at ESC. She was the first artist to use a prop on stage. What was more applicable than a telephone since that was the instrument for many years to come for the juries of the participating countries to send their points. Margot used the phone for another purpose though, expecting a call from her lover. Between talking in several languages (mostly saying hello) she sings in a calm and soft voice. The song in itself is not that special but the phone as gimmick is cool. Her song was also too long almost like 4 minutes. Placing 4th wasn't too bad and we would see her return the next year with a more uptempo song (and another prop). For the German audience she was no unknown being active since the 1940s as both singer and actress.
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1. France - La belle amour - Paule Desjardins (34-35 years) starts at 33:40

Language: French - Result: 2nd - Points: 17
A song about love in a French café. I liked this one more than the French song from Luxembourg. It came second and I don't think that is undeserved given she has a lovely voice even though the song in itself quickly fades from my memory. Paule had moderate success with a musical career lasting until 1962. When she married she stopped singing and started working as designer for the lingerie company of her husband. Her full birth date is unknown, Spanish wiki mentioned she was born in 1922.
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1. Denmark - Skibet skal sejle i nat - Birthe Wilke (20 years) and Gustav Winckler (31 years) starts at 38:00

Language: Danish - Result: 3rd - Points: 10
Denmark made its debut bringing the ESC its first duet. They were actually the only contestants in the first Dansk Melodi Grand Prix where 6 songs were entered 2 by them as duet and 2 by each as solo artists. As native Dutch/Flemmish speaker I can clearly hear it's from the same language family (German) as mine even though I hardly understand a word of it. I like the sound of it though and while it's nice that the presenter tells us that the translation of the song is "when the ship is sailing out" looking at the man's uniform it's pretty clear he is a sailor saying goodbye to his beloved girlfriend and future wife who is also wearing a typical dress from the country. There is also some gestures like him kissing a picture of her indicating he will be thinking about her on his trip and putting a ring on her finger meaning they will marry when he comes back. Actually the sailing theme is already clear before we see the couple as the orchestra starts with the sound of a ship's horn. It's all lovey dovey and cute but it works and they sing in harmony, complementary. A top 3 placing was well deserved in my opinion. Oh yes and there was in the end an 11 second kiss which definitely shocked the audience. They were applauded anyway. Did that hamper their chances to win, nah I think the Dutch entry was just too strong.
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1. Switzerland - L'Enfant que j'étais - Lys Assia (33 years) starts at 42: 30

Language: French - Result: 8th (tied) - Points: 5
Lys Assia returned to defend the ESC crown of Switzerland. The new crown however went to the other returning performer from 1956 Corry Brokken. Interesting to note that her birthday was the 3rd of March, the same day as the the contest of 1957 took place. I can't think of any other reason why the ESC took place so early (usually it's in May). She wasn't however gifted a good end result finishing a tied 8th with Belgium. Hard to understand as I found this song about a happy childhood very sweet and more captivating than her entries from 1956. However it was also too long about 4 minutes. But vocally I found her a lot better than the French songs from Luxembourg and France. Was it perhaps too childish or too happy? Notice that the other 2 songs in the bottom 3 were Belgium and Austria both upbeat songs. However Lys would still come back for a third consecutive time in 1958 just like winner Corry Brokken. Lys would do well a year later but Corry suffered even a worse fate as title defender than Lys.
​
My top 10 was a bit harder to compile except the top 2 which stuck with me after 1 hearing. The rest is not too memorable for me.
​

1. Netherlands
2. Denmark
3. Switzerland
4. Germany
5. Austria
6. Belgium
7. France
8. Luxembourg
9. Italy
10. UK

​
Deceased artists
Paule Desjardins (1962) 39-40 years (only the Spanish wiki has a year of decease)
Gustav Winckler (1979, cause: car crash) 53 years
Bob Martin (1998) 75 years
Nunzio Gallo (2008) 79 years
Bobbejaan Schoepen (2010) 85 years
Danièle Dupré (2015) 88 years, French wiki has birth year 1938 and decease in 2013 (75 years)
Corry Brokken (2016) 83 years
Margot Hielscher (2017) 97 years
Lys Assia (2018) 94 years
​
Alive artists
Patricia Bredin (88 years)
Birthe Wilke (87 years)
You can check reviews also on RelivingEurovision

Choose ye THIS day who ye will serve.
You can manifest from any state. It is God’s good will to give us the ___ of our hearts.
We get to fill in the blank. Will we allow God to give us the desires of our hearts, or the fears?
God is ALWAYS helping us fulfill our state. He gives us everything we “ask” for- “wanted” or not.
Neville’s teachings, Joseph’s teachings, Florence/Till/Dispenza/Ike- all of them have only been giving us the tools to get closer to the state of our wish fulfilled/naturalness and farther from the state of fearesistance.
As we all say, creation is finished. As Neville says “the only thing keeping you from the thing desired is your refusal to believe it”
Our disbelief and resistance keeps what is already ours, out of reach. Our lack of faith/belief that creation is finished keeps it from coming in.
Each and every technique is just a different way to lower the resistance within yourself and increase the belief that your desire is already a reality. For all of you who come on here and ask “what technique did you use?” Or “how long did it take you”, etc- you’re only hurting yourself.
I believe this is part of why Jesus said “And they will say to you, ‘Look here!’ or ‘Look there!’ Do not go after them or follow them” Luke 17:23 - everyone has their own inner being to listen to; you can’t follow someone else’s path to get the same results.
When we learn to release the resistance within us, we can tune into the nature (name/embodiment) of who we want to be.
Our inner being speaks to us through desire, so that we can experience things and grow. We all hear our inner being/God in us (our desires), but then immediately start to panic. “Oh but my SP and I are in no contact” or “but I don’t have the money” - after hearing God, we immediately introduce resistance and stop the flow from coming through us.
How can you know the difference? It’s the difference between peace/naturalness and that pit in your stomach or tightness in your chest.
Let’s take paying the mortgage/rent for example. You have the desire to pay the rent/mortgage. God has given you that desire. You have two options- panic and introduce resistance “I don’t have enough money” etc, OR yield to the dimensionally larger self/God and allow peace/serenity/trust/faith to flow through you.
This is where the “need” for techniques come in. Techniques are ONLY to get YOU into the natural state of being provided for.
“When you master it (manifestation, faith, trust in the unseen), the most effective prayer in the world is “thank you, Father,” the most effective prayer in the world, AFTER MASTERY. But until mastery, then there is a technique and persistency is like an art. You must practice any art in this world. First you just find a good method (technique) and try to find the best method. When you’ve found it, then it requires daily practice, any art in this world” -Neville Goddard
Once you have enough personal experience under your belt to realize that your awareness/attention and lack of resistance is what reflects into physical reality, the only technique you need is “thank you father” or something similar.
This is a long winded way to say- stop asking others how they did what they did. Go within and do WHATEVER makes your desire feels natural to you. I don’t care what it is. Once you attain that feeling of naturalness, of knowing that it’s yours- continue practicing it.
The physical world will reflect it.

The second edition of ESC took place in Frankfurt, Germany. Does that mean one of the German songs won in 1956 as the usual tradition is? Well no it was Switzerland who also hosted the first edition but apparently didn't want to host another the next year. To this day rumours persist that Germany got second place probably with "Im Wartesaal zum großen Glück" from Walter Andreas Schwarz but since no ranking was released to this day we can't know for sure. Some even believe Germany won. Anyway the good thing about this contest is that this contest can be fully watched with moving images. The director of this was Michael Kehlmann, an Austrian movie director. I sinceryly hope he was better at camerawork for his movies as it was filmed rather static and with a persistence of keeping the artists heads in close-up for lengthy periods which felt rather disturbing to me. Quality wise the songs were in my opinion a lot weaker than the previous edition with most contestants playing it rather safe and with little variety.
1957 saw the introduction of a real jury system where each country had to divide 10 points over the rivaling countries. So here it was made clear you can't vote for your own country, a rule which probably was not in place in 1956 but as of 1957 it was set in stone and never changed. Don't really know if that meant that 1 country could give the full 10 points to just 1 country. I notice however that only France divided their points over 2 countries while all other countries divided their points over 3 to 6 countries. No one ended up with 0 points and every country got points from at least 2 countries. Strange system but at least better than the shady backroom voting from the previous edition, which certainly was put into question and led to protest. To this day there is still a points system and no matter the result there is always people not understanding why song X ended up so low and song Y so high. Some things never change and this adds to the fun. Apparently the points system was borrowed from UK's 'Festival of British Popular Songs' which decided on the entry representing the UK in the ESC. So a scoreboard was introduced which was adapted after each call (by a traditional phone) from one of the juries of the competing countries.
​
With the 3 countries broadcasting but not sending a song for various reasons (UK, Austria, Denmark) last year now joining the competition there was no more need for each country to send 2 songs. So 1 song per country (and this remained so for later editions) but 2 people were allowed on stage (in 1956 only solo artists on stage). So more countries involved (10 vs 7 in 1956) but less songs (10 vs 14 in 1956). Last change was a rule stipulating that songs could not exceed 3 minutes but a few countries really went over that limit by quite a margin. Maybe that rule was introduced quite late and therefore no one was disqualified for exceeding it.
​
We saw a first duet with Denmark. Italy and the Netherlands had a musician accompanying the singer. We also saw a first prop emerging (Germany) and some other costumes than the traditional tuxedo or evening gown (Denmark).
​
For those wanting more info about this edition check the wikipedia page:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eurovision_Song_Contest_1957
​
The full show can be watched here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ViOi13j5cO8&t=4s
​

1. Belgium - Straatdeuntje - Bobbejaan Schoepen (32 years) starts at 3:15
   Language: Dutch - Result: 8th (tied) - Points: 5
   

Just like previous edition the ESC kicked off with a song sung in Dutch however this time it comes from the Dutch/Flemmish speaking part of Belgium (Flanders). Bobbejaan Schoepen was the first Flemmish singer to try. Even though his success period was far before my time I knew that whistling was a trademark of his. He even had a song dedicated to whistling 'De jodelende fluiter' (The yodling whistler). Bobbejaan had an obsession with the Far West and often dressed with a cow-boy hat and later founded a theme park with a Wild West theme giving it his name 'Bobbejaanland'. Here of course he was as expected in a suit but with his hands in his pockets immediately giving him a pretty laid back attitude. The song is indeed a happy one about a melody he hears everywhere he goes making him happy. Don't think this had a chance winning, enjoyable definitely but in the end a bit too simplistic.
​

1. Luxembourg - Amours mortes aka Tant de peine - Danièle Dupré (29-30 years) starts at 7:25
   Language: French - Result: 4th (tied) - Points: 8
   

Just like last year Luxembourg send a female French singer to represent them. As expected she went for a French chanson about a break up. I'm absolutely no fan of these type of songs unless it has some quicker pace. Also I often compare French chansons with Edith Piaff whose famous hits at least had some recognizable melody and chorus. Danièle's birth date varies from the source. The most common is that she was born in 1927 but other sources say her birth year is 1938 which is a huge difference. Looks to me 1927 is correct as she already had quite a bit of songs as a minor star and retired from the music business in 1958. She would during the show become long lasting friends with her compatriot entering for France Paule Desjardins.
​

1. United Kingdom - All - Patricia Bredin (22 years) starts at 10:55
   Language: English - Result: 7th - Points: 6
   

Patricia Bredin had the honour to be the UK's first ESC entry. She won as part of the Malcolm Lockyer Quartet the first Festival of British Popular Songs convincingly. Patricia was in the first place an actress (Malcolm Lockyer was a film composer and conductor so makes sense) but also did musicals. Presenter Anaid Iplicjian (from Armenian descent) referred to the UK as England a few times. With a duration of 1'52 this song remained the shortest in ESC history until 2015 when Finland came with a song of only 1'27. So yeah I can be pretty short about this entry too. She has a high soprano voice so even if your English is good it's just hard to understand what she is singing most of the time. It felt more like an opera song and I guess that's why it didn't do too well here. Was the disappointing result the reason UK didn't enter in 1958 and also didn't organise the Festival of British Popular Songs? However from 1959 they wouldn't miss a single ESC. Patricia's song was never recorded or released on a single.
​

1. Italy - Corde della mia chitarra - Nunzio Gallo (28 years) starts at 13:35
   Language: Italian - Result: 6th - Points: 7
   

In previous edition two young females were sent, this time a male artist got a try. Nunzio Gallo was accompanied by a guitar player who gets quite a bit of exposure with some solos (a really long one at the start). Nunzio sings a ballad which gave me much more latino/Spanish vibes than Italian. He sings a love song not for a woman but for his guitar. This theme actually reminds me of the Belgian entry of 2010 Tom Dice with "Me and my guitar". The biggest problem is the song's duration with over 5 minutes going well beyond the maximum time limit. Also its very slow pace makes it very hard to sit through. Fortunately Italy would bring a real hit in the next edition.
​

1. Austria - Wohin kleines Pony - Bob Martin (34 years) starts at 19:45
   Language: German - Result: 10th - Points: 3
   

Debut for Austria but Bob Martin wasn't the first Austrian performing in ESC. That honour goes to Freddy Quinn entering in 1956 for Germany with "So geht das jede Nacht". The song is accompanied by jazzy music. Of course a 30+ guy singing about riding his pony through the fields is a tad weird but at least he seems to be having a good time smiling a lot during his performance. It's also the only song which is (slightly) more uptempo than the other entries. A last place is rather harsh but I can understand this song perhaps didn't really fit well in the contest. After ESC he remained popular in southern Austria. His real name was Leo Heppe.
​

1. Netherlands - Net als toen - Corry Brokken (24 years) starts at 23:20
   Language: Dutch - Result: 1st - Points: 31
   

The winning song and this time even a critical one like me will find it hard to disagree. If they stuck to the rules this entry would be disqualified as it is going approximately 1 and half minute over the 3 minutes time limit. However it doesn't feel like ever lasting like Italy's due to a good pacing, great vocals and some really good music accompanying the song. Dutch conductor Dolf van der Linden was so eager to start making the orchestra start before Corry Brokken reached the microphone. Corry's previous entry was a break up song now it's again about a relationship but one that is already lasting a very long time. So yes the couple especially the man have become old (and grey) and their love has become a bit stale. But since he can still flirt (with other women I suppose) his wife wishes he would be sweet and gallant towards her, give her roses, say she is beautiful and all that jazz just like the time they first fell in love (referring to the song's title). Yes it's kinda weird given the young age of Corry and it's rather schmulzy. Also the style is a bit the same as her 1956 song "Voorgoed voorbij". However her vocals and the accompanying music really make up for that. About halfway a violin joins her on stage who also gets a solo towards the end. I'm not surprised this won quite convincingly and deservedly.
​

1. Germany - Telefon, Telefon - Margot Hielscher (37 years) starts at 28:30
   Language: German - Result: 4th (tied) - Points: 8
   

Host Germany did the opoosite of Italy after sending 2 men in 1956, now a woman was selected. Margot Hielscher already tried her luck at the German National final in 1956 but was unsuccessful. In 1957 she won and became the first woman to represent Germany at ESC. She was the first artist to use a prop on stage. What was more applicable than a telephone since that was the instrument for many years to come for the juries of the participating countries to send their points. Margot used the phone for another purpose though, expecting a call from her lover. Between talking in several languages (mostly saying hello) she sings in a calm and soft voice. The song in itself is not that special but the phone as gimmick is cool. Her song was also too long almost like 4 minutes. Placing 4th wasn't too bad and we would see her return the next year with a more uptempo song (and another prop). For the German audience she was no unknown being active since the 1940s as both singer and actress.
​

1. France - La belle amour - Paule Desjardins (34-35 years) starts at 33:40
   Language: French - Result: 2nd - Points: 17
   

A song about love in a French café. I liked this one more than the French song from Luxembourg. It came second and I don't think that is undeserved given she has a lovely voice even though the song in itself quickly fades from my memory. Paule had moderate success with a musical career lasting until 1962. When she married she stopped singing and started working as designer for the lingerie company of her husband. Her full birth date is unknown, Spanish wiki mentioned she was born in 1922.
​

1. Denmark - Skibet skal sejle i nat - Birthe Wilke (20 years) and Gustav Winckler (31 years) starts at 38:00
   Language: Danish - Result: 3rd - Points: 10
   

Denmark made its debut bringing the ESC its first duet. They were actually the only contestants in the first Dansk Melodi Grand Prix where 6 songs were entered 2 by them as duet and 2 by each as solo artists. As native Dutch/Flemmish speaker I can clearly hear it's from the same language family (German) as mine even though I hardly understand a word of it. I like the sound of it though and while it's nice that the presenter tells us that the translation of the song is "when the ship is sailing out" looking at the man's uniform it's pretty clear he is a sailor saying goodbye to his beloved girlfriend and future wife who is also wearing a typical dress from the country. There is also some gestures like him kissing a picture of her indicating he will be thinking about her on his trip and putting a ring on her finger meaning they will marry when he comes back. Actually the sailing theme is already clear before we see the couple as the orchestra starts with the sound of a ship's horn. It's all lovey dovey and cute but it works and they sing in harmony, complementary. A top 3 placing was well deserved in my opinion. Oh yes and there was in the end an 11 second kiss which definitely shocked the audience. They were applauded anyway. Did that hamper their chances to win, nah I think the Dutch entry was just too strong.
​

1. Switzerland - L'Enfant que j'étais - Lys Assia (33 years) starts at 42: 30

Language: French - Result: 8th (tied) - Points: 5
Lys Assia returned to defend the ESC crown of Switzerland. The new crown however went to the other returning performer from 1956 Corry Brokken. Interesting to note that her birthday was the 3rd of March, the same day as the the contest of 1957 took place. I can't think of any other reason why the ESC took place so early (usually it's in May). She wasn't however gifted a good end result finishing a tied 8th with Belgium. Hard to understand as I found this song about a happy childhood very sweet and more captivating than her entries from 1956. However it was also too long about 4 minutes. But vocally I found her a lot better than the French songs from Luxembourg and France. Was it perhaps too childish or too happy? Notice that the other 2 songs in the bottom 3 were Belgium and Austria both upbeat songs. However Lys would still come back for a third consecutive time in 1958 just like winner Corry Brokken. Lys would do well a year later but Corry suffered even a worse fate as title defender than Lys.
​
My top 10 was a bit harder to compile except the top 2 which stuck with me after 1 hearing. The rest is not too memorable for me.
​

1. Netherlands
   
2. Denmark
   
3. Switzerland
   
4. Germany
   
5. Austria
   
6. Belgium
   
7. France
   
8. Luxembourg
   
9. Italy
   
10. UK
    

​
Deceased artists
Paule Desjardins (1962) 39-40 years (only the Spanish wiki has a year of decease)
Gustav Winckler (1979, cause: car crash) 53 years
Bob Martin (1998) 75 years
Nunzio Gallo (2008) 79 years
Bobbejaan Schoepen (2010) 85 years
Danièle Dupré (2015) 88 years, French wiki has birth year 1938 and decease in 2013 (75 years)
Corry Brokken (2016) 83 years
Margot Hielscher (2017) 97 years
Lys Assia (2018) 94 years
​
Alive artists
Patricia Bredin (88 years)
Birthe Wilke (87 years)

Whenever I try opening up about my gender dysphoria whoever I’m talking to regardless of if they’re trans or not jumps straight to “Oh dw you take HRT and you’re happy.” Honestly the idea that I need to take medications and do surgeries to look like a woman is a massive source of dysphoria for me. Side effects like infertility also make me uneasy, and the fact that it isn’t guaranteed that I will even pass. I just wish someone would be more understanding that I don’t feel comfortable wanting to medically transition and wish I could just pass. I want to be born a girl, I would pick being a cisgirl over being a trans girl any day of the week. I hate this idea that HRT is this magic potion that fixes all your problems.

This is a thought I've been keeping in the back of my head for a while. While this would realistically never happen, I love to theorize. I'm going to try my best to balance these weapons while still maintaining their feel and identity, and give them two sets of kits: One where they would keep the Sub and Specials exclusive to Salmon Run, and one where they have no such restrictions.

• Grizzco Blaster: Pretty straightforward. Lower the damage to 20 on a direct and 12 for the midair burst. It may need to go lower or higher, but I think a five-shot is fine for something that fires as fast as it does.
  • SR exclusive kit: Splat Bomb/Inkjet.
  • Non-SR exclusive kit: Point SensoInkjet.
• Grizzco Brella: Also pretty straightforward. Damage goes down to 40 a shot, or 10 per pellet. May need to higher or lower.
  • Kit: Splat Bomb/Crab Tank.
• Grizzco Charger: I had to get creative with this one. I propose three collective changes; one, reduce the damage to 120. Two, the Line of Sight laser that appears on any other fully-charged Charger is always active. And three, damage dealt to objects is reduced to a fifth of the normal damage.
  • SR exclusive kit: Splat Bomb/Killer Wail 5.1.
  • Non-SR exclusive kit: Ink Mine/Killer Wail 5.1.
• Grizzco Slosher: Bit of a strange weapon to balance. Obviously it needs the damage cut back like the rest of the Grizzco weapons, and it'd keep its piercing properties, but aside from that, what exactly "armor piercing" is needs to be defined. Damage will be cut down to 100 on a direct and 42 on the splash. How I think that the armor piercing should work is that it goes through barriers like the Big Bubbler and Splash Wall, ignores the armor on Booyah Bomb, and maybe hit through Kraken invincibility if it really needs it. Oh, and Main Saver Up isn't as effective for this weapon.
  • SR exclusive kit: Splat Bomb/Triple Inkstrike.
  • Non-SR exclusive kit: Torpedo/Inkstorm.
• Grizzco Stringer: Extremely straightforward and simple. Lower the damage per arrow to match that of the Tri-Stringer and you've got a fairly balanced weapon. It's a monster at inking turf, and anything at point blank is going to get wiped off the face of the earth, but its ink consumption and poor accuracy keep it in check.
  • SR exclusive kit: Splat Bomb/Booyah Bomb.
  • Non-SR exclusive kit: Fizzy Bomb/Super Chump.
• Grizzco Splatana: A weapon held back entirely by its abysmal range and inking capabilities. Horizontal swing damage should be cut back to 40 to 50 damage, but the Charged swing can keep its 1,200 damage because that would be funny and honestly I don't think it really matters. If that doesn't sound fair, then maybe lower the damage to 300.
  • SR exclusive kit: Splat Bomb/ Wave Breaker.
  • Non-SR exclusive kit: Burst Bomb/Kraken Royale.

Thoughts? Maybe I messed up a kit, maybe a weapon hits too hard, maybe I should have touched other values, maybe I killed the Charger. I'm no expert. Feel free to tell me what I've done wrong.

I have a 20lb 4yr old neutered male indoor short haired tabby who’s had intermittent allergy responses since he was a kitten, but has otherwise been healthy. It’s mainly his paw pads, one or two at a time, but occasionally mouth too. His paw pad (metatarsal, but sometimes digits if it’s worse) becomes red, inflamed, flakey on the sides & firm to the touch. He’d seen 3 vets over the years who treated as if it was a superficial wound even after I explained the pattern and why I thought it was an allergy thing. One vet even questioned if I understood what the word inflammation meant and acted like she couldn’t see anything wrong with his paw.
Eight days ago a new vet agreed it seems like an allergy response and gave a Convenia injection for infection on one of the two effected paws + daily 5mg prednisolone for 14 days, then every other day for 3 days. He made it sound like he didn’t think it was potentially PCP or EGC since only 2/4 paws had issues. The infection cleared up within 2 days, and his back paw shows improvement, but the front paw pad looks looks slightly worse to me now with inflammation.
I’d previously thought it was flea exposure toward the end of a topical treatment cycle, but recently noticed Reveal chicken & broth only wet food caused a mouth reaction that cleared when I stopped the food. The paws started after the mouth flare and persisted even after the wet food was stopped.
Any general advice for ways to boost his immune system and/or determine the underlying cause of the response outside of expensive tests or biopsies? The vet didn’t suggest anything else and didn’t seem to think preventive measures were necessary yet. This has happened multiple times until it just spontaneously disappears, but isn’t usually as bad as it is now. He’s a little itchy overall and occasionally a few sneezes, but nothing consistent and no eye or ear issues. I only use plant based cleaning products, have always used wood litter w/out additives or fragrances, vacuum almost daily, use glass or ceramic dishes, etc. I’ve tried fish oil, but my cat won’t touch anything I add even just a bit to. Currently trying Nutri-Vet Multi-Vite multivitamin paw gel but have read and seen less than stellar reviews of the product. I intend on following up w the vet tomorrow when he’s halfway through his meds. I tried to attach pics like the sub rules ask for, but it says pics or links aren’t allowed. We are in the central US.

First
Capes and Conundrums
Santiago raises an eyebrow as he finds Albin whaling on holographic opponents. The safeties in the room ensured that even though the kid wasn’t doing that well, he was still not getting hurt. He has one real piece of advice. “Follow through.”
“What?” Albin asks. He had sent he room to send out endless waves off literally faceless opponents at him so he could feel like something other than weak. But he... he’s not very good. He may have gave off a good fight when he could rely almost entirely on his Yauya Cloaking abilities. But he’s not even trying to fade out of sight now and is just flailing around.
“If you want your opponent to feel it then don’t swing like you just want to hit them, swing like you want to crash through it. Don’t aim to hit the opponent. Aim to cave them in.” Santiago says and Albin tries before shaking his hand.
“It’s not doing much better.”
“That’s because you’re just using your arm. Turn in with the punch, put your whole body behind it and it’ll be felt.” Santiago says throwing a punch as an example.
The next shot rocks back the faceless opponent and sends it staggering rather than just having the head snap back and return like a mocking speedbag.
“See? Follow through and full body. Thankfully you’ve already got a good idea how to make a proper fist. Thumb on the outside.” Santiago says punching one of the targets so hard it crashed into another three hard enough to take them all out. “So, wanna talk?”
“Every time I talk with someone about my problems the more of a problem it becomes!” Albin replies as he slams a hard fist into the gut of another opponent and it starts to fade away. There are only about two more opponents left in this wave and Santiago’s smash to the top of one’s head has enough force to crush a man’s spine, let alone the somewhat weaker hologram.
Meanwhile Albin has grabbed the last hologram by the shoulders and was slamming his knee into it’s crotch over and over again. He pants and stands up before pulling Axiom into himself to rejuvenate. Santiago doesn’t try to engage in conversation again. According to Doctor Malaise, who has a connection to his earpiece, the kid needs to reach out first and is more likely to do so to a positive male role model. Something he fits in as as a strong independent man who also has strong family values and frankly nothing but positive interactions with the young man.
Three waves pass with Albin getting faster and stronger with each push as he figures out more from fighting with Santiago there to provide an example. He goes from flailing to respectable crosses and hooks with the occasional jab mixed in as well. A bit of example from Santiago and he starts taking up a boxing stance and things just start falling into place.
At the end of the fourth wave Santiago sees his exhaustion and pauses the simulation to allow Albin a break. The boy collapses to the ground panting and trying to regulate his body temperature a bit better. A bit of a task considering his lack of sweat glands.
“Feel a bit better.” Santiago asks.
“Feel like I’m boiling myself alive.” Albin says as his tongue lolls out a bit.
“In a god way or a bad way?”
“How can it feel good to be boiled alive!?” Albin demands.
“Bad way then. Got it.” Santiago says. “Just take it easy and let the heat die down then.”
“Already happening.” Albin says as he sighs in relief. The Axiom flow around him is mildly interesting, but of no real concern. The older an Axiom born person is the faster these automatic Axiom adjustments happen. A sort of instinctual experience and efficiency.
“Nice, very nice.” Santiago says as he helps Albin up who’s sniffing the air.
“What... are you stinking?”
“No, I’ve been throwing my punches far harder than I need to. So it’s a slight workout for me. A bit better than shadowboxing to be honest.”
“Shadowboxing?” Albin asks and Santiago steps back to give him an example.
“You work on your speed and form like this! You use a bag to push your force and toughen up your hands too!” Santiago explains and Albin chuckles.
“That’s a bit different from how Bane fights.” He teases and Santiago pauses mid box before chuckling.
“True enough, there are many unarmed fighting styles. Bane is a poor example of one, relying more on brute strength and endurance than skill. But he’s a Luchadore. A grappler. I’ve been trained in the Lucha style and I prefer it. So I’m the default option for playing a bad Lucha and...” Santiago explains before finishing off by blowing a raspberry in annoyance and Albin chuckles at that.
“Don’t like doing a bad job?”
“I defy you to find me one man, no, one person that likes doing a bad job of things!”
“Plenty of people do things halfway!” Albin dismisses.
“Yes, but they’re succeeding in that they want to avoid work and be lazy. Name one person who wants to work and is satisfied doing it badly.” Santiago rephrases his challenge.
“My parents did a bad job with me and...”
“They’re absolutely miserable about it and hate themselves for it.” Santiago interrupts that train of thought even before Doctor Malaise can tell him to. He doesn’t care if he’s lying or not. He hates that very mindset.
“What?” Albin asks.
“Keep going, you’re right, please keep going.” Malaise tells him through his earpiece.
“Do you think your parents like that they’ve hurt you? They may have made mistakes, but they never wanted you hurt.” Santiago says before shrugging. “They coddled and smothered you. Not good. But they never laid an angry hand on you and... have they ever even shouted at you?”
“No, not really...”
“Then it could have been worse.”
“But... I mean...”
“Look, I’m not either of your parents. But you’re going to be caught up in endless what could have beens or what ifs if you don’t speak with them. I understand the hesitation. But well... I am personally an Undaunted. I see something hard to do as something that’s worth doing all the more.”
“Because it’s hard?”
“Because by doing hard things, you become a stronger person. You become better, not because you do something easy, but because you do something hard. It’s easy to sleep, to eat, to not care. But it’s hard to work, to push past your hunger and harder still to care. But no one celebrates the best napper. The biggest eater... maybe, but the most uncaring person? What do they have?”
“Well I assume big eaters have big bodyparts.” Albin says with a bit of a grin. He clearly understands what Santiago is saying but is arguing for the sake of it.
“And if they keep small and thin? Are they just a big eater then?”
“Alright alright fine! I get it! I get it...” Albin says before trailing off. After a few moments he gives Santiago a sideways look. “So... how much of that was Doctor Malaise’s coaching.”
“The extent of it has been keep going, keep going. Please keep going.” Santiago says as he plucks out the ear piece and pockets it. “There, see? It’s gone.”
“Alright. I just... I know I hired her but at the same time it! I mean... Argh!” Albin exclaims miming strangling something as he utterly fails to find the words and just groans in disgust, annoyance and frustration.
“I know.”
“How?”
“I was a teenager once too you know! You’re feeling everything! The world is shifting around you! You’re finally aware enough to see the things you never saw before or always ignored but you don’t have the experience or knowledge to deal with them! You feel like you can take on an army! But the stupid randomness of life is tripping you up every step of the way! You’re unstoppable! But you’re helpless! You’re immortal! But you can’t DO anything! I know! I really, really know.”
“You do?”
“Yes! I thought I was going right to the top of the heap in Lucha when I was in highschool! I got to the semi-finals on a technicality and was tossed around like a joke! I thought nothing could stop me! Then The Gecko treated me like a complete chump!”
“You were?”
“I was! But do you want to know what I did?”
“What?”
“I spoke with The Gecko afterwards. I talked to him, I learned how he beat me. I learned what my weaknesses were. I learned and then I practised anew. I grew to become better. The problem you’re having with your family... it can be somewhat the same. Right now, there’s been a defeat. Metaphorically, both you and your family have lost the fight. So if you’re to learn from this and grow to be even better fighters, you need to talk to learn about your weaknesses, which you have indeed started to do, and then you need to train to be better. To be stronger.”
“... It’s completely insane that that actually made sense.” Albin says after a bit and Santiago laughs.
“True enough! But sometimes the most mangled metaphors are the most effective!” He says. “Now! Want to face a wave or two with nothing but grappling? Learn to control your opponent and you can control a fight.”
“I’d like that. I think I would. It feels good to break things.”
“It’s called Catharsis. You’re venting all your grief and rage and frustration when you’re hurting things. The mind lives in the body, so a lot of problems can be strangely solved by just going out and doing something.” Santiago says before shrugging. “It’s just one of the odd things of life.”
“Yeah, that’s weird.” Albin concedes.
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Doctor Malaise resists the urge to sigh. After Santiago had pulled off a minor miracle in further calming and getting Albin more agreeable she had arranged a meeting between Albin and his parents Thalison and Azisa. Which in brooding teenage fashion had quickly shut down as Albin decided to sulk anew and glare over his shoulder as he turned mostly away.
She ensures that the urge to try and shake the silly boy is well and truly suppressed before she opens her mouth. “Now, this meeting has been agreed to as the unfortunate death of Beaky has revealed quite a few issues and miscommunications in this family that need to be if not sorted out, then at least discussed. Albin, would you like to speak first?”
“Oh? Am I allowed to talk? Am I not too frail for that!?” Albin demands.
“We just wanted to...” Thalison begins but Azisa speaks over him.
“Son you don’t understand...” She begins to say before a piercing whistle from Doctor Malaise grabs everyone’s attention. She then slightly coughs to both clear her throat and establish an appropriate level of sound for the conversation.
“Let’s not start with casting blame or insults. That only leads to such things being returned or defensive attitudes. Instead perhaps you two could explain to Albin why you thought it was a good idea to hide the fact he had Gurana’s Syndrome from him.”
“If I may?” Thalison asks. There’s no answer. “It’s from my family line so it’s best if I answer.”
“By all means. Please.” Doctor Malaise says and she notes happily to herself that Albin has turned a little more towards his parents instead of away.
“It was by my recommendation that we don’t tell you about your Gurana’s Syndrome or treat it as odd, because to me? To my family? It is normal. Once a generation, someone has it. Every twenty years there is Gurana’s Syndrome in the family. Sometimes it’s as little as a ten year gap. And sometimes, though never more than once every hundred or so years, we have two at once.” Thalison explains. “And normally, what we’ve done with you Albin, works perfectly! My cousin Garona had it in my generation. She’s a master bladesmith now and makes a very comfortable living producing custom weapons for hunters and warriors of all stripes. Before her, it was your grandfather. The man is a historian. Before him it was a great great aunt! She’s an expert huntress specializing in traps and animal calls to do all the work for her.”
“Then what went wrong with me?” Albin demands fully facing his father and while not hiding away, he is confrontational about it.
“Pure bad luck. That’s all. What I did for you, worked for my cousin. Worked for my father, your grandfather. Worked for my Great Aunt, your Great Great Aunt. You are the first in many generations to actually have a negative side effect of Gurana’s Syndrome. I wanted this to go so very differently. I figured you’d go hunting with your sisters in a huff, then after that you and me would drag them to the fertile plains over this world and you’d have a wonderful time playing with Beaky and getting your sisters to as well. But it all fell apart.” Thalison explains before taking a deep breath and swallowing a bit to rewet his throat.
“Where did it go wrong? I don’t know! Was it your sisters pushing too hard or being too inattentive? Was it Beaky choosing to be difficult at the exact wrong moment? My choice of destination? You choosing the exact wrong time to dig in your heels? I don’t know! Maybe all of them, maybe none of them! But it was not deliberate. I don’t want to hurt you, I never wanted to hurt you. If I can get nothing else across to you today, then understand this, I’m on your side. I want the best for you. I’m your father and I love you. I want you to have a wonderful life and I’m sorry about what happened to Beaky. I really am. I know he meant a lot to you.”
Albin tries to answer but nothing comes out. He tries again and there’s a slight hitch in his breathing. But still no words. He pushes and tries to force it and he breaks out in a few sobs. Thalison is beside him and pulling him into a hug that Albin does nothing to get away from even as he starts breaking down. Before he can even start to weep Azisa is there and embracing them both.
Doctor Malaise smiles at this. It’s a start.
​
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Hello, I have a GPU that's making coil whine, it's in an Asus Scar 18
How can I reduce this sound while keeping a relative performance in gaming?
If I unplug the laptop, the whine stops.
Can I use a tool that'll throttle my card slightly to roughly 80% to achieve the same effect when I wish to have some quiet gaming sessions, then turn it back to 100% for those full on crazy sessions?