Two pretty desirable pens that I'm looking to sell. CONUS only. Paypal G&S with shipping only to confirmed address.
https://imgur.com/a/N7N8p7V

1. Conid Bulkfiller Regular Stealth ($850) [C] - This is the Regular size Bulkfiller with all black trim and a Steel Conid nib that has been colored black (I do not know what was used to coat it). Conid's internal filling mechanism uses interlocking parts, which makes their Demonstrators quite a lot easier to understand... so warning to anybody hoping to try their first Conid that you kind of need to know what's happening inside the pen to fill it. Rated [C] for normal usage wear, all works perfectly. This comes as the pen only, no box, papers, or Conid tool. Selling for funds to get a Kingsize Demo when they (hopefully) become available again.
   
2. Wahl-Eversharp Decoband Oversize ($450) [B] - This is a very big pen, too big for me. Comes with 18k "Superflex" nib, which writes incredibly smoothly. Beautiful body material and very satisfying filling mechanism (which holds a lot of ink). Includes box and papers.
   

May have a few more things to come as I'm still shooting out a few options, but got bored and wanted to post and see some offers.
​
a few notes:

• Everything in Excellent condition or better and has velcro or Dual Lock on back except where noted. Comes with original box and goodies unless stated otherwise.
• Photos can be obtained on demand. Laziness prevails until that time.
• Willing to sell everything here, and honestly would prefer that to some extent because I have my eye on a few upcoming releases. I know some don't like sales talk in the trade sub, so I've made a companion post on sellyourpedals over here.
• Cheapies with asterisk* are items I would prefer to package with other stuff to even values out for a trade rather than trading individually. Will sell individually if interested in that route.

​
stuff I have:

pedal	pics	notes
Snouse Black Box OD 2 Stage Pro Mod		Mint condition. No velcro. Once I made it through the wait list I HAD to try it, but after a brief honeymoon period it was clear that I still had a different favorite Bluesbreaker... My loss, your gain!
Strymon Riverside		Good-to-Very Good condition. Minor cosmetic issues (photos on the way). No velcro, but probably did with prior owner as it seems labels were destroyed during removal.
EQD White Light (RI)		Near Mint condition. No velcro. From recent reissue with top jacks.
RambleFX Twin Bender V3		Near Mint condition. No velcro.
Spaceman Sputnik III		Very Good condition.
TC Electronic Spark Mini*
TC Electronic Polytune 3 Noir*		Seriously brand new. Tape to seal it in factory hasn't even been opened. A casualty of the "I'm going to build a small side board!"-but-then-instead-I-didn't era.
Disaster Area micro.clock*		Near mint. No velcro.
OBNE Expression Ramper*		Near mint. No velcro. Black colorway.
Saturnworks Tap Tempo*		No box.
Source Audio Tap Tempo*

​
stuff I might want (in no specific order):

• A few ideas below, but I am mostly looking for unexpected offers to grab my interest! Bonus points for things I can't do well with my Axe FX III.
• KittycasterFX Groovy Wizard
• Magnetic Effects White Atom (V4 preferred)
• Would love to try a Bondi Del Mar Mk 2 -- big thanks to u/Noynumal for feeding my sickness.
• There's almost certainly no way anyone has a microtonal guitar out there, but a recent King Gizzard obsession has me on the hunt...
• For the right deal I can add a little cash.

I've been sitting on this for a little while now and I've hit the point where any questions I have about it I can't fully answer on my own. To make a long story short for a while I've wanted to simulate random bullet spread in this game to figure out how much of a difference it makes. Doing that in TF2 would be slow and have a ton of errors but if I could figure out how to simulate it externally, that would allow me to create extremely large amounts of data and test a lot of scenarios. The problem is I didn't understand how random bullet spread works, specifically what makes it random.
How does random spread work?
To figure that out first I looked at the code. Searching about this topic always lead me back to the same /truetf2 thread and this comment which links to TF2-Base and has this chunk of code:

 // Get circular gaussian spread. float x, y; x = RandomFloat( -0.5, 0.5 ) + RandomFloat( -0.5, 0.5 ); y = RandomFloat( -0.5, 0.5 ) + RandomFloat( -0.5, 0.5 ); 

This seemed useful because it at least implies they are handling the angles in x and y rather than using some other coordinates but it also raised some questions. If I assumed the function RandomFloat was gaussian, why are two calls being added together? I also wasn't sure if the arguments passed were limits being placed on it or something else. Digging further I got to this file with another relevant code block.

 //----------------------------------------------------------------------------- // A couple of convenience functions to access the library's global uniform stream //----------------------------------------------------------------------------- VSTDLIB_INTERFACE void RandomSeed( int iSeed ); VSTDLIB_INTERFACE float RandomFloat( float flMinVal = 0.0f, float flMaxVal = 1.0f ); VSTDLIB_INTERFACE float RandomFloatExp( float flMinVal = 0.0f, float flMaxVal = 1.0f, float flExponent = 1.0f ); VSTDLIB_INTERFACE int RandomInt( int iMinVal, int iMaxVal ); VSTDLIB_INTERFACE float RandomGaussianFloat( float flMean = 0.0f, float flStdDev = 1.0f ); 

Those two calls are to the uniform random variable function, not the gaussian function. From a quick google search I did find that this is a way to approximate gaussian distributions but with only two it should like basically like a triangle instead of a smooth gaussian. There are a few reasons I could think of why they did it this way but the important thing is they return values between -1 and 1, which implies the variables scale some other value.
Every tf2 weapon has a ctx file that holds variables about it and the shotgun has four, one for each class and they are basically identical. In each of those there is a variable named Spread with a value of 0.0675. That's far too small to be degrees but for radians it seems about right and implies that the random pellets from a shotgun can take a maximum angle of 0.0675 radians from center in x and y.
All of this would be relatively simple to simulate but I couldn't find hard numbers on the fixed spread pattern and wasn't sure the values even meant what I thought they did. TF2-Base as far as I'm aware isn't the actual code as well, so maybe whatever Valve has internally is different. So I decided to test it.
Experiment setup
I created a map that contained a single room with one wall textured with the solid blue dev texture. The bullet decals were all replaced with a small gradient so they were identical and easier to see compared to the default. On accident I also discovered that setting decals to 9 removes the single perfectly accurate shot, which is lucky because it simplified processing later.
To run the test I selected engineer and bound a single key that would shoot and call impulse 101 to reload. A python script would automatically send a keypress, wait for the recoil to settle, then take a screenshot (which was also cropped to just a small region the bullets could land in). I let this run for a couple hours and generated about 3,800 screenshots. I could have also toyed with the host timescale to speed up this process but I was worried it could possibly have other effects that might invalidate all of this.
Data Processing
Making the wall solid blue made processing the data very simple. At first I intended to make the decal red, but alpha weirdness I don't understand made them black. That meant all I had to do was select the blue channel and then invert the image so that all the decals went to the max value and the wall texture went to zero. This was passed to a function that can find local maxima and it would return the location of each pellet. I had also taken a single screenshot of the fixed spread pattern and another where I used the measure texture. These gave me a perfect center and a conversion to hammer units from pixels. From this data I converted back until I could determine the angles in x and y. Some shots did overlap and were lost but they shouldn't dramatically effect the end result.
An example of the screenshot, with the processed version next to it, and all of the bullet decals automatically is below.
https://i.redd.it/z3r2wcfmt83b1.png
Results
As expected, the maximum magnitude for the angles was about 0.065. Getting exactly 0.0675 would be unexpected because it is the least common value and there is going to be some error. A histogram below shows all of the angles I found:
https://i.redd.it/zwa01nqnu83b1.png
Unexpected Findings
This is where things started to get weird. I had created a scatter plot of each shot and after a while realized it didn't have enough points.
https://i.redd.it/u8utncwpv83b1.png
3,800 shots times 9 (with some losses) should be over 30,000 individual points easily. There should be overlap in the middle where they are closer to max probability but even then the center should be nearly colored in. As it turns out a lot pellets were landing in the same spots. Even stranger is that I was getting exactly repeated shots. The example shot from the first image occurred 23 times. I didn't test for any symmetries so it's possible those also occurred.
I've come up with a few theories on what is going on:

1. TF2 is using a table based random number generator. This is how Doom handled random numbers, at least partially for demo compatibility and it did have effects in game. Some weapons couldn't deal the maximum damage the gamecode implied elsewhere but can in sourceports that change how this work. Of the theories this one is the least likely, but it's not impossible.
   
2. The RNG used is bad. There are a bunch of ways to create bad RNG but unless it was a mistake I can't think of a reason why they would stick with it. A good RNG shouldn't have significantly more performance overhead.
   
3. New seeds are frequently generated from player input. Of the options this seems the most likely because if it is the case I created the worst possible scenario. There is only one player input occurring and since it is automated it should be almost exactly the same. There isn't mouse input that should be a good source for seeding, no real inconsistency in key press time, and there is nothing else that should be calling the RNG to help advance it. The other related possibility is that maybe calling impulse 101 or any of the other tweaks I made are causing an issue.
   
4. I screwed up in some other way I haven't thought of. This one I view as the second most likely explanation.
   

One of my reasons for sharing this now is that I am not sure how to figure out the correct results. I can think of some ways to test out option 3 but they would significantly complicate scripting and possibly require active input which would be tedious. If that is the reason I got weird repeats, the data would be useful in implying that the code is working the way I'm assuming it does.
The other reason for sharing is if it does turn out to be issue 2 or 1, that could imply other effects that I haven't tested. These things are unlikely to be noticed in game, but if we for example knew shotguns with random spread almost always put more pellets to the left of the crosshair that may be significant. Or it's option 4 and I can't find the problem on my own.
Below is a google drive folder that contains basically everything I used and another write up I need to edit. There are a lot of pictures you can view and a zip of them to download. There's also a spreadsheet containing all the shot locations that gives slightly different min and max values, probably due to differences in float precision and tangent calculations compared to how I actually did the analysis.
https://drive.google.com/drive1/folders/1vFadC98NJKTdTYBPiJVP2uDY7OOtt7_5
TLDR
I tested the random bullet spread in TF2. If I'm right random pellets can be a maximum of about 3.9 degrees off from a straight line down the crosshair. There was some weird stuff that could be a mistake that makes this all pointless, but it might be nothing or it might imply this game is even more broken than most of us assumed. If there are any source engine wizards out there I would love to get some feedback on what they think is going on.

That's all. I still feel a bit exhausted and dysregulated, but I don't miss him at all. I deleted all of our photos, threw everything out that reminded me of him, don't feel any urges to unblock. Nothing. I think I'm on the way back to myself again. 🎉
Thank you kind people in this group and in the other group when this one got shut down for a while. And thanks to my beautiful friend who listened to me for hours and said: "You complain about him not keeping promises and not caring enough about you yet here you are doing the same exact thing to yourself. You promise yourself you deserve better but you tolerate shit behaviour over again. Keep a promise to yourself this time." I thought it was a bit rough at first, but ultimately she was right. I imagined my inner adult, my inner parent step forward and end my misery for me. I've been extra gentle and forgiving to myself. Going through a bit of a down and flare ups of deep rage rn but it's not nearly as bad as the height of the narc relationship and the physical pains I was experiencing aren't an issue anymore.

I've been using this LO for some time and made some changes to it(not mid playthrough of course) and most recently i've been getting constant crashes when going in either hall of attainment or hall of countenance, but hall of elements is loading fine. I think the problem is with the loading and not the area itself since loading a save of a character that's already inside works just fine, it's going through the door that makes it so at the ending of the loading the game just freezes. I thought it was The Magical College Bundle, but thats been on my LO for quite a while and that never happened before, so either some mod that wasn't there before is causing it or some updated caused it. Here's the LO, with the most recent additions having an * at the end of their name and the + before if they're a patch for other mods. Any advice for the LO in general is welcome as well :)
• Unofficial Skyrim Special Edition Patch
• Unofficial Skyrim Survival Patch
• Reconciliation: QOL and Bugfixes
• +USSEP
• Unofficial Creation Club Updates - October Pack [XB1]*
• Simple Workaround Framework*
• Omen Weathers*
• Run For Your Lives
• Realistic Conversations
• Guard Dialogue Overhaul
• Skyrim Reputation
• Better Intimidation
• Even Better Quest Objectives
• The Choice Is Yours
• At your own pace - AIO/Listen
• Trained and Skilled*
• Laro's Perks, Magics and More
• Guild Leader Perks
• XP32 Maximum Skeleton+Realistic Ragdoll and Force
• Feminine Females
• Gritty Animation Requiem 2.0
• Cloaks face masks and all sorts 2
• Visible Favorited Gear
• Wear Multiple Rings
• Wearable Lanterns
• Become a Bard
• Mystical Scholarship: The Magical College Bundle 1K
• Merchants Chests on Display
• Night Mother's Embrace - An Assassin's Tale
• Walk With The Shadows - A Nightingale Bundle
• Comprehensive First Person Animation Overhaul - CFPAO
• Rebalanced Leveled Lists
• Rebalanced Encounter Zones and Leveled Actors
• OBIS - SE (full version)
• DLC Integration
• Stronger Bosses Skyrim
• Enhanced Atronachs - With Levelling and Luminosity
• Reliquary of Myth
• True Lords of Oblivion
• Dragon Priest Masks Tweaks
• Dragon Priest Staffs
• Rich Skyrim Merchants
• JaySerpa's Quest Expansion Bundle
• Melodies of Skyrim: All In One*
• Reverb and Ambiance Overhaul
• Phenderix Magic Sounds Improved
• Enhanced Draugr Fx
• Display Enhancements
• Relighting Skyrim
• ELE Interior Lighting Overhaul
• SMIM Essentials
• Vivid Landscapes - Alternate Tundra
• WizKid Signs
• 3D Log Farmhouse Fences
• Skyland - Dirt Roads
• Dark Ages: Sky Haven Temple and Alduin's Wall
• Detailing The Eldritch - Complete
• Dark Ages: Dragon Textures
• Draugr Retexture: Bloody Black
• Ultimate Sephoraz Beauty Bundle
• Flesh Spells Fx Restored[XB1]*
• Heavy Armory - New Weapons
• Old Kingdom - Armor Overhaul
• Old Kingdom - Weapon Overhaul
• + USSEP
• Old Kingdom - Crafting Add-On
• Glorious Dwarven Metal - Old Kingdom
• Elaborate Textiles Alternate
• (Lite) Guard Armor Overhaul
• Konahrik's Accoutrements
• Skyrim Sewers Bundle
• Unique Armors & Weapons - Unenchanted And Craftable
• Greener Glass
• SeeEnchantments
• Lockpicking Interface Redone*
• Embers HD
• Natural Forces Bundle - Wet
• Frozen Electrocuted Combustion - Realistic
• Cannibal Draugr on Solstheim
• Dwemer Spectres
• Sylvan Spirits
• Real Wildlife
• Birds of Skyrim
• Birds And Flocks
• Prismatic Insects
• Kiss My Grass
• Treeslod_23
• Landscape Fixes For Grass Mods
• Bells of Skyrim
• Tactical Valtheim
• Halted Stream Mine
• Provincial Courier Service
• MAP - Project Hippie
• Trees in Cities
• Riften Eastern Road
• Manor Roads
• Man Those Borders!
• EasierRider's Dungeon Pack
• The Blackest Reaches
• The Marshlands
• Master The Summit
• Nordic Ruins Of Skyrim
• Holidays
• Lanterns of Skyrim - Special Edition
• Lost Enchantments for The Discerning Adventurer
• Perk Points Per Level
• Truly Absorb Dragon Souls - Heavy
• VioLens
• More Blood and Gore!
• Know Your Enemy - All in One
• + AIO + OKA
• Immersive Movement
• Smilodon
• + Immersive Movement
• + Realistic Damage
• Mortal Enemies
• + Immersive Movement
• Better Combat AI
• Realistic AI Detection
• Sneak Tools
• Archery Tweaks Plus
• Silent Arrows
• More Effective Blocking
• No Draugr Disarm
• The Fire Within - Shouts Powered by DragonSouls
• Clear UI - Not So Sensible Preset*
• Pastel Map Markers*
• Updated Mine Markers
• Cheat Room
• Quest Debugger
• Free Player Home Heartfire Building*
• Improved Backpacks V2*
• Kip Ahrk Bahlok - Food and Hunger
• Dragonborn and Dawnguard Delayed
• Mystic Condenser
• Readable Shadomarks*
• Awesome Potions Simplified by Revoith
• Flying Vampire Lord
• Alternate Start - Live Another Life
• Abandoned Prison Tweaks
• + EBQO - Alternate Start
• Relationship Dialogue Overhaul
• + RDO - USSEP
• Immersive Hunter Dialogue
• Immersive Follower Framework
• + RDO
• YOU DON'T KNOW ME - No NPC Greetings
• Bat Vampire Lord

I'm currently in Lexington KY for an over the weekend business trip. So since in Rome do the Bourbon trail of distilleries downtown. I wore a black denim Old Navy brand mini skirt. I went to several spots around the UK campus that featured beer and whiskey distilleries. I was alone but no big deal since I was on a business trip and I made new friends where ever I went. I happen upon a Goodwill store and bought to new skirts. One blue jean material and the other tan khaki mid thigh length skirt. I'm a fool for anytime I see a Goodwill shop and the opportunity to buy a new skirt is open. So anyway I proceed to the Bourbon spots near downtown Lexington and found lots of great places to eat and drink. When I was set to leave one of the folks at the bar commented on my skirt in a positive fashion. She and her boyfriend gave me the thumbs usp as I was leaving and said I love your outfit big guy. You wear it well!. Not only did this make my day it gave me extra confidence that wearing a skirt is normal, no matter what part of the country I happen to be in at the time.

Hey guys,
So this is my first time writing something on Reddit. This is a story about how I turned a near bad trip on LSD into probably the most profound experience of my life. It's about discovering the importance of love, battling unhealthy habits, and finding an inspiration that has fueled my pursuit for personal growth and progress. Peace <3
This was the second time taking acid, and the first time was absolutely beautiful and amazing with cool visuals. So the plan this time was to take one tab and go to the festival. I took my tab around 20:30 (the festival was starting at around 21), and started mentally preparing myself - I feel pretty responsible about every trip and I try to get myself ready as much as possible. I put on some nice music and was ironing my clothes which I would go to the festival. I also asked my close friend and my significant other to record a video-message wishing for a good trip.
So around 21:10, I was already feeling a little buzz and brightness, I met up with my friends and we were on the move (they were doing trip-sitter role). So as we were walking they were like "Dude, maybe we should take acid too". I was shocked by that idea - because the first time at the festival can be pretty harsh, and I would not be able to look for them in case, so that was a definite no.
We passed the security, I was feeling very uplifted and some music started playing. As the festival was continuing I started to feel more anxious - I got lost from my friends twice and was desperately looking for them, every time I was scared like hell. It felt like being a child left behind by my parents.
As I was approaching the peak, faces of people started melting and getting fractalized (people who trip on festival - how do you do it?). And also there was so much security that I felt super scared - so I decided to leave. I had no phone or headphones, because I gave them to my friend.
I successfully passed through security back to my dorm (it was a 10' walk). As I was walking I was seeing a fractalized tree with transparent leaves - like this tree was frozen by Elsa from Frozen, but I was still anxious so I didn't have a chance to immerse in this beauty.
As I entered my room I was kinda close to having a bad trip - so I decided to go to the cold shower (a pretty awesome tool to wash away negative thoughts). I put on some music, light up the candle and ended up listening to Nature of the Daylight by Max Richter and Cornfield Chase by Hans Zimmer (his music has always been something special for me).
I was weeping like a broken person. I felt like my soul was being cut from the inside by hundreds of swords and I was literally screaming from the inner pain. I was thinking about how I messed up my life, how I went to pursue my dreams in another country, but left my friends, the love of my life, and my family back there. I was thinking about this life choice and it felt so painful.
I think I rediscovered in myself the old me, ambitious, goal-driven, extremely sensitive, and loving person. I had this feeling of being thrown back into my life from this old perspective and I was like, how the hell did I allow this to happen to myself. I was feeling shame and I was crying like I never cried before. I was crying all those tears that were there for years.
I felt pretty happy after crying, that I discovered my inner trauma. I felt happy that I was getting the perspective of the old me, the one that I am proud of. I then put my sleep mask on and listened to Sleep by Max Richter (this is a super-meditative album). I was reflecting on my life for almost 6 hours - which under the L feeels like eternity.
I was thinking about how no drug can buy you a feeling of being loved and loving someone. I was thinking about how precious it is to have your soulmate. I felt the extreme feeling of missing the love of my life (she will be reading this one, I love you honey ♥️)
I was also reflecting on the nature of self-destructing behavior - I was addicted to nicotine for about a year, and the shame I felt this night; I think this greatly helped me to overcome this destructive behavior.
I want to be the son my parents are proud of. I want to be the friend who will support and inspire my closest ones. I want to be the husband my love will think how lucky she is.
If somebody will ask me if I believe in god - I believe that some acid in a controlled set and setting can help unravel your inner trauma. I also believe that increased neuroplasticity with proper work on yourself can make you a better person, destroy distracting habits, and change them with healthy ones.
Peace, love each other <3

Hi, I've always liked horror games, however, I stopped being scared of them at a young age, it doesn't matter though for that's not why I play these games, I just simply love their atmosphere and art design :D. For this reason I'm not interested in walking simulators and games full of scripted events where you just run and hide, or the classic "survival horror" game where the only survival horror element is searching for batteries or something like that. As you might've deduced, since i'm not scared of horror games gameplay is very important for me :)
Clarification: The only gaming device I have is a PC.
Games i've already played:

• Resident Evil 4,5,6,7,8 and Revelations 2 (Great action games with good horror art design, story became very odd after 4 tho)
• Resident Evil Remakes 1,2,3,4 (Didn't like them too much tho, except 4, I find scripted chases annoying and I didn't enjoy the guns feeling like they were shooting peas, the first one had me turning gears most of the time preparing my next move, I liked that)
• Apuslov: End of Gods (I really enjoyed the nordic mythology, the puzzles were great and the combat wasn't so bad :D)
• Evil Within 1 and 2 (These ran poorly on my pc for some reason, finished the first one but couldn't bother with the second one since it had very annoying stutters)
• Doom 3 and RoE (Great art design, great story and lore, crappy gunplay)
• Zombie Army Trilogy (Don't know if this counts? i liked the mindless pewpew until it bored me)
• Penumbra 1,2,3 (Great story and puzzles, didn't mind much the chases because the AI was fairly stupid, didn't finish the third one tho, the story was too odd and the puzzles became annoying)
• Amnesia - The Dark Descent (Amazing story, fun puzzles, didn't like the chases tho)
• Dark Souls (The art design is great and the souls and bonfire system will make you respect your opponents, this game's world also gives a very odd feeling, similar to a dream, really dislike the gotcha level design though, I also don't know if this counts)
• Outlast 1 and 2 (I like the story and overly realistic atmosphere of the first one, the second one had a very crappy story and the gameplay couldn't make up for that, nice art design tho)
• Dead Space 1,2,3 (Amazing games, even the third one was great, plagued only by EA's greed)
• FNAF games (Fun for a bit, at least)
• System Shock 2 (I was terrified of this thing as a kid, couldn't play much of it for this reason, dont remember much tho)
• Call of Cthulhu Dark Corners of the Earth (Amazing story, gunplay, and puzzles, don't know how well this thing aged, it also ran like sht on my old computer)
• Prey (I find the black amorphous design of the enemies really boring, the exploration, puzzle and gunplay were very fun tho, didn't play long of enough to have an opinion on the story)
• Agony (Agony)
• Scorn (The gunplay was very basic and left a lot to be desired, but the artwork and environmental storytelling was amazing, couldn't help but stare at the beautiful landscapes and corridors, truly felt like an otherworldly experience)
• Soma (good story, fun puzzles, not much else)
• F.E.A.R (Spooky, the gameplay aged like milk tho, unless you play at lower difficulties)
• Slender: The Arrival (Can't remember much about this one)

A bit about me:
- I work with animals at a humane society. There isn’t an animal I don’t like, though I’m hugely a cat person over a dog person at this point in my life. My job is not easy and I have a crude sense of humor to deal with the things I deal with day to day. I can make a joke out of pretty much anything .
- I am plus sized and I like to think I'm like a 5/10 on the attractive scale. I grew up with a poor self-esteem, but it’s definitely gotten better and I am learning to love myself.
- I am incredibly independent and have lived alone since I was 21. I am pretty inexperienced when it comes to dating/relationships.
- I love binge watching tv shows. My go to shows are The Office, King of the Hill, Grey's Anatomy, SVU, criminal minds, plus several other shows. Open to suggestions for more binge worthy shows.
- Social Anxiety is real, I love exploring chill places like museums, zoos, and thrift stores. Not a huge bar person.
- I am VERY childfree so if you want kids I am not the person for you. You got a cat/dog/exotic/fish? Sign me uppppp. Their is not an animal I dislike!

• I’m bisexual/ probably asexual (it’s complicated lol)

- I am a homebody but would love to find someone who can draw me out of my cave once in a while :)

• if your outside the US I won’t respond I’m sorry. I’m ok with a LDR to a certain extent but I wanna keep it realistic

​
What I'm looking for:
- Someone who is loves to joke around but also I want someone who can get into deep conversations and talk about things in depth.
- I would prefer to take things slow (especially if its long distance) I am not one to rush labels and though I dont mind exclusivity I just want to hang out and have fun. IM NOT INTO HOOK UPS so sorry if thats what your looking for. I can vibe with people and be in the mood but if you come out strong I'm not into it.
- Preferably someone on the tubby side too who can feel my pain lol I like the Teddy Bear types.
- 25-37 and in the US/ideally the midwest/Nebraska so meeting could be possible in the near future.
- Memes and pics of animals is ideal. Funny videos, music you like, anything that lets me know what you enjoy are things I really enjoy to receive
Would love to hear from you!!

First Previous Next ​ ​

In a bustling mining town:

Jax had been enjoying himself. The war stories and barely believable tales of antics of the Humans he'd served with he told in the coffee parlors were popular among the intoxicated of both sexes, though the admiration and further libations from the men were far less captivating than the rapt attention a very pretty woman with a lithe figure and strong tail gave him. Comely indeed, and she would come to listen to him. Though it seemed to onlookers that he had captivated her, it was her dark pools of eyes that he had dove into, and found them deep and inescapable. She kept those eyes trained on him so long as he spoke, and so he spoke, seeing in those depths possibilities.
Indeed, Jax had begun to expect that if he were to ask Rae to accompany him to the upcoming autumn festival, she might not reject the notion. Even with troubling rumors about somebody attacking a neighboring nation, and the sudden vanishing of the Star Sailors from Star Council space were far from his mind, and the minds of the other coffee patrons parlor patrons. It was in this ease and comfort that he and many other Numiindan residents found their lives shattered by horror.
It began with the burning streaks of the wrecked Space Defense Force, more law enforcement than military, fell from the sky. He was just in the middle of a story about the time his buddy Erin had gotten stuck in his own armor when he stopped and said, "Does anybody else smell smoke?"
There was a general testing of the air by the group of variably intoxicated patrons, followed by a fruitless checking of datapads for the news. "Network's down," somebody in the small crowd said.
"Well, we'll just go outside and take a look," Jax said, and Rae subtly clasped his hand. Outside, the pair squeezed each other's hands so hard they hurt. The sky was streaked with gashes of billowing black smoke of destroyed ships and fighters, and what destroyed them was descending while raining hot plasma down on anything that looked vaguely like it might be fortified.
"The Ancestors preserve us," Rae whispered.
"I'm not going to wait on them," Jax said, "we need to get under cover now, and not just the lounge!"
Someone in the crowd said, "The mines! There are some pretty big chambers down there, and it's like, miles of rock to burn through."
"Good plan," Vex said, "If they're doing areal lances like that they don't care about collateral damage, everyone, split up in groups of three or four, and get as many people as you can to get to the mines."
"What if they follow us down?" Rae asked.
"We'll flood the mines. Hopefully they can't swim."
An hour later, a press of over a hundred panicked elderly and children were running along behind Jax. The majority of the parents and other adults had elected to buy time. Jax had to focus on his mission, save the civvies, get them under cover, to keep from bolting off to join them. "As long as the pups are alive," he muttered.
The sounds of shouting and plasma lance discharges spurred him and Rae on, and though he was obliged to lead the way, she insisted on bringing up the rear. She insisted that none of the injured were left behind. Then, they saw it, salvation. The gates to the mines, and behind them, the shaft plunging down beneath the rock. There were miners with plasma cutters and force axes at the gates, and Jax knew better than to relax. Even as the miners swung the gates open and escorted their panicked charges to the shaft elevator.
"We're getting ready to flood the main shaft, and everything but the vents to the largest chamber," one of the miners said, "get everyone up against the back wall, and pray the Ancestors remember us."
Jax just nodded and gripped his crowbar as he scanned the road they had run down saying, "I'm going to need fighters. We have to hold out until the Republic gets here."
"The Republic? You think they'll come?"
"Of course," Jax said with steel in his voice, "of course."
The next day, Jax held a meeting with the others he was thinking of as the leaders, or maybe other fighters, to tell them what he thought and hear what they thought in return. They had swam to an air pocket in one of the flooded tunnels and held their conversation in the dim light of a portable glow lantern to keep the civvies from panicking at what might be said. There Jax and Rae floated with Kai, a miner and the one who had suggested sheltering in the tunnels, Mei, an engineer in from the big city to help design an upgraded refining facility, and Ash, a man reluctant to divulge his past.
"So, we have about eight hundred civvies, none of whom are in fighting shape, no weapons, no food, and a highly defensible position," Jax opened, "I believe our first priority should be arming ourselves so we can raid the surface for food."
"The first aid kits are barely adequate. They're made to deal with maybe a localized plasma burn from a cutter malfunction, or to put temporary splints on a broken limb. Not lance wounds and to stabilize breaks for healing," Rae murmured softly.
"I did a little scouting," Kai said, "Just popping up in the vent covers, they didn't see me. I saw my house. What's left of it. Anyway, I know how to get to where there are some weapons we could get if we're quick. If we're quiet."
"The flooding did significant damage to the mines," Mei muttered. "I haven't seen any signs that it's getting worse, but the quakes will probably keep on. We will have to reassure the civilians. If they bombard the town from orbit though…"
"There's not much we can do about that," Jax said firmly, "so let's focus on what we can manage. Weapons, food, medicine."
"Blankets," Ash said, "The people are cold, scared. Blankets will help with morale. Survivors. There might be survivors."
"Weapons, food, weapons, blankets, and survivors. Okay, that's a start. Who wants to tell them?"
"Will the Republic really come?" Ash asked.
"They will come," Rex said firmly.
"I can tell them," Rae said as she reached out to clasp hands with Rex. He let her squeeze his hand once, and they dove down into the water to swim back to the main chamber.
The people were understandably stressed at the news that their only protectors would soon leave them alone, but they were reassured when Rae explained that they planned on raiding the surface for supplies and planned to be gone for a few hours at most.
Later, Ash was skulking around a police station, or at least the charred remnants of one, while Jax tried to see him doing so from inside the vent cover. He had been a little aprehensive of the man's claims that he could scout the building unnoticed, but the proof of the meat was inside the shell, so he took a chance. It paid off.
"All clear," Ash whispered from outside Jax's field of view.
"You made your point," Jax said, "good work."
"It's… it's not good in there."
Jax opened up the vent cover, and dropped to all fours to creep his way to the shattered building, and his companions did so behind him.
They squeezed through a gap in the rubble and slowly shifted the rubble until they had tunneled their way to the basement stairs, which they descended immediately. They tried to ignore the singed and shattered corpses of the police officers as they crawled past or over them. They failed at this. They had marginally more success in ignoring Rae's vomit at the grizzly task.
In the basement they found chemprop weapons, magacs, plasma casters, and long distance tasers in rifle and pistol configurations, as well as some light flak armor and personal shields. "Don't bother with the casters or tasers," Jax ordered as he wrapped his hands around the familiar shape of a rifle stock, "Terrans use these for a reason." The others deferrred to his experience, and Rae went to check the other basement rooms for medical supplies.
When she cried out, Rex and the others rushed into the adjoining room, but found no danger there. Only the chief of police, a magac pistol lay at his feet, and the wall to his left was painted in a sanguine splatter. "Nim," she almost moaned in grief.
"You knew him?" Ash asked.
"My uncle."
The others murmured their apologies, none of them strangers to such loss in the past day, and Ash pulled a discarded coat over the man taken by despair. "We have to make sure the people don't decide that this is a good idea," he softly murmured.
"Okay, see what else we can find for supplies here. Kai, can we get to a clinic from the tunnels?"
"Three of them."
"We'll hit the nearest one first, then we swim out to the bay and see if we can get anything from the fishery."
Then, they once again committed to the grizzly task of crawling through the rubble.
The clinic was miraculously intact, only a little exterior fire damage from the fighting, but it was also guarded. The invaders hadn't expected anyone to actually attack with weapons, as thus far most resistance had been fierce but only armed with improvised weapons. The two guards were relieved of their duties by magnetically accelerated iron chunks that left golf ball sized exit wounds in their backs before they even knew they were under attack. Inside, there was not only a treasure trove of medical supplies, which Rae directed them to take only the most versatile or in most dire need, but there were also prisoners in one of the exam rooms. They had injuries that indicated that they were painful but not lethal. Jax was furious.
The fishery offered enough food for the next few days, and their triumphant return kindled hope in the sheltering civilians that they might just hold out.

In low orbit over Numinda:

Acolyte-Lord Gukea-Sarvon surveyed his glorious conquest. Glad he was to have received orders to seek out resource rich planets, for instead of wasting his talents spilling unworthy blood to sate the thirst of Axzuur, he had instead found a race worthy of toiling for his glory. They could never be true warriors, Five days, and he had obtained control over the system and planet. Truly, the pathetic resisance offered by their so-called fleet had dismayed him, but the reports of the ferocity with which the males and some of the females on the orb below fight against his warriors armed only with what is to hand, and sometimes merely tooth and claw, excited him greatly.
It would be pleasing to elevate the lion's share of Axxaakk serfs to more worthy work, to more… worthy services. This new acquisition would even free up many serfs to become warriors, even, which would mean more sacrifices to Axzuur, which would mean greater favor. Although, there were still pockets of resistance across the planet. Even though his forces controlled the communication infrastructure for the planetary and superluminal networks, these pockets seemed to somehow act in concert to keep vital positions outside the Axxaakk's rightful reach.
It would seem that a mere scout group was insufficient, so he was being reinforced by, Acolyte-Lord Narrex-Quinn, who had been reassigned to a subjugation group including a battleship, three frigates, and their escorts. This should provide sufficient warriors and equipment to properly subjigate the planet, freeing Acolyte-Lord Gukea-Sarvon up for the much more pleasant task of crushing the next planet's defenses. Just two days of further drudgery until Acolyte-Lord Narrex-Quinn arrived to take on the unenviable task of crushing the indipendent spirits of the new serfs. At least he had a few specimens for his own research in the best methods to do so to occupy his time.
Two days later, Acolyte-Lord Narrex-Quinn had sent his counterpart sprawling off of his own dais with a metalic backhand slap, "WHY ARE YOUR ESCORTS NOT INTERDICTING HYPERSPACE EXITS AROUND THIS POSITION?"
Acolyte-Lord Gukea-Sarvon staggered to his feet in a fury, "BECAUSE MY SCOUT FLOTILLA WIPED AWAY ALL RESISTANCE IN LESS THAN A DAY!"
"Observe," Acolyte-Lord Narrex-Quinn said coldly as he slammed a data crystal into an input, and the display screen lit up with the scene of a Terran fleet engaging an extraction fleet, and far from being swept away, they were fighting the extraction fleet to a slow defeat.
"Is that a stone temple?" Acolyte-Lord Gukea-Sarvon blurted out.
"It is."
"Why?"
"To show they can," Acolyte-Lord Narrex-Quinn said with disgust.
Acolyte-Lord Gukea-Sarvon's eyes went wide as he asked, "How did that curiser take hits from behind."
"The Terrans apparently use kinetic weaponry, they fired the munitions in a slingshot trajectory while another ship forced it to maneuver into the line of travel."
"The calculations involved…"
"It is my belief that this is not even the main fighting force of the Terran military, for observe further," Acolyte-Lord Narrex-Quinn twisted the crystal to display a split video of several systems on the screen. "These look like merchant vessels with guns strapped to them, and Priest-Lord Tiglach-Pilexer agrees that is likely the case. These fleets are likely auxiliaries sent out to probe our strength while the Terrans gather their true forces."
"Thank you for relaying this, I shall indeed run hyperspace interdiction at the next world."
"Your orders have changed. We are to extract what we can, and carry it off to the Dominion. The expeditionary fleet is insufficient."
Acolyte-Lord Gukea-Sarvon resisted the urge to spit upon the floor. "I too have information. These… these mammal-worms are worthy of at the very least toiling underneath the Axxaakk. Though their forces are defeated, the people fight on, just as the serfs did before they were broken and rebuilt to Axzuur's glory, may the stars tremble at his step."
"They are mammals, hold hostage their young, as we do for an unruly serf."
"This is a good plan, brother."
"We must not allow the Terrans to surprise us as they did Acolyte-Lord Xamxi-Avav."
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Hello! Thanks for stopping by my post! A bit about me:
- I work with animals at a humane society. There isn’t an animal I don’t like, though I’m hugely a cat person over a dog person at this point in my life. My job is not easy and I have a crude sense of humor to deal with the things I deal with day to day. I can make a joke out of pretty much anything .
- I am plus sized and I like to think I'm like a 5/10 on the attractive scale. I grew up with a poor self-esteem, but it’s definitely gotten better and I am learning to love myself.
- I am incredibly independent and have lived alone since I was 21. I am pretty inexperienced when it comes to dating/relationships.
- I love binge watching tv shows. My go to shows are The Office, King of the Hill, Grey's Anatomy, SVU, criminal minds, plus several other shows. Open to suggestions for more binge worthy shows.
- Social Anxiety is real, I love exploring chill places like museums, zoos, and thrift stores. Not a huge bar person.
- I am VERY childfree so if you want kids I am not the person for you. You got a cat/dog/exotic/fish? Sign me uppppp. Their is not an animal I dislike!

• I’m bisexual/ probably asexual (it’s complicated lol)

- I am a homebody but would love to find someone who can draw me out of my cave once in a while :)

• if your outside the US I won’t respond I’m sorry. I’m ok with a LDR to a certain extent but I wanna keep it realistic

​
What I'm looking for:
- Someone who is loves to joke around but also I want someone who can get into deep conversations and talk about things in depth.
- I would prefer to take things slow (especially if its long distance) I am not one to rush labels and though I dont mind exclusivity I just want to hang out and have fun. IM NOT INTO HOOK UPS so sorry if thats what your looking for. I can vibe with people and be in the mood but if you come out strong I'm not into it.
- Preferably someone on the tubby side too who can feel my pain lol I like the Teddy Bear types.
- 25-37 and in the US/ideally the midwest/Nebraska so meeting could be possible in the near future.
- Memes and pics of animals is ideal. Funny videos, music you like, anything that lets me know what you enjoy are things I really enjoy to receive
Would love to hear from you!!

(7/20-8/10) Tokyo - Hakone - Nagoya - Osaka (Nara/Kobe) - Kyoto - Hiroshima - Okinawa - Tokyo
The above is our finalized route. We are hoping to do lots of food adventuring and checking out some fairly mainstream tourist attractions. Is the below itinerary well spaced out and will it give us a lot of flexibility to explore and rest in between? We know July/August are the hottest and most humid months so we want plenty of wiggle room to rest if needed.
Looking for help with:

1. Anywhere we can hike to see bodies of water and/or waterfalls. I love to swim and it would be really cool to be able to take a splash near some awesome falls. Or any really beautiful beaches!
2. Really neat crane game districts - we may have addictive personalities for games/casinos.
3. Massage/spa recommendations to get some relax and pamper
4. Really good Kobe beef / Wagyu.
5. Is it recommended to buy travel medication insurance?

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Thursday July 20 FLIGHT Arrive Friday July 21st NRT.

• Settle in Shinjuku, eat, relax, rest.

Saturday July 22: TOKYO

• Tsukiji Fish market, Team lab planet, explore.

Sunday July 23: TOKYO

• (AM) Starbucks Reserve
• (PM) Harajuku
• (Sunset) Shibuya Sky. We plan on buying those fancy tickets to reserve a couch and have some evening drinks.

Monday July 24: TOKYO

• Explore, eat.
• Mario street kart Tokyo bay

Tuesday July 25: TOKYO

• Full day at Disneyland Tokyo. Tickets purchased

Wednesday July 26: TOKYO HAKONE

• Travel to Hakone. Check in Ryokan with private Onsen. Dinner. Relax

Thursday July 27: HAKONE NAGOYA

• Wake up early, hike, see Mt Fuji. Maybe buy the Hakone Pass? Feedback welcomed for AM activities!
• Travel to Nagoya early afternoon Check out the Osu shopping district, look for some grilled eel on rice dinner spots.

Friday July 28: NAGOYA OSAKA

• (AM) Ghibli park. Tickets purchased.
• (PM) Travel to Osaka Late night hang out in Dotonbori.

Saturday July 29: OSAKA

• Check out Dotonbori/Shinsaibashi shopping area.
• No other plans. Suggestions are welcomed! :)

Sunday July 30: OSAKA (DAY TRIP NARA)

• Nara day trip for feeding Deer Park and check out the Big Buddha Temple
• No PM activities other then eat.

Monday July 31 : OSAKA

• Universal Studious all day. Tickets + Express pass purchased.
• We want to see Nintendo World and Harry potter world.

Tuesday August 1: OSAKA (NIGHT TRIP KOBE)

• Relax in the morning, maybe some spa/massage/activity? Suggestions welcomed!
• (PM) Travel to Kobe for dinner reservations

Wednesday August 2: OSAKA KYOTO

• (AM) Travel to Kyoto: Fushimi Inari Shrine.
• (PM) Nishiki Market

Thursday August 3: KYOTO

• (AM) Arashiyama Monkey park + Bamboo Foorest
• (PM) Gion District

Friday August 4: KYOTO HIROSHIMA

• (AM) Travel to Miyajima to catch ferry to see Red Torii Gates. Is this feasible coming from Kyoto?

Saturday August 5: HIROSHIMA

• (AM) Bunny Island (okonimaki Island)
• Visit Okonomiyaki restaurant friend.

Sunday August 6: HIROSHIMA OKINAWA (FLIGHT)

• Check in Hyatt Serigaki resort. 2 days in Okinawa to beach bum and relax.
• Suggestions welcomed to explore Okinawa. We will likely have a rental car.

Monday August 7: OKINAWA

• No plans. Excursions? Suggestions welcomed!

Tuesday August 8: OKINAWA TOKYO (Arrive HND 3:30PM)

• No plans, but catch up on anything we would like to do.

Wednesday August 9: TOKYO

• No plans, possibly DisneySea all day, if we really like Disneyland.

Thursday August 10: FLIGHT BACK HOME 6:40PM
​

1. We plan on getting a 14 day JR green pass and activating once we leave Tokyo for Hakone, it'll cover us until we return to Tokyo from Okinawa.
2. We are also going to be taking 1 larger check in luggage (for souvenirs and shopping) and 2 smaller carry-on luggages + backpacks for intra-city traveling. We will likely be shipping the larger check in luggage between most larger cities using luggage shipping services.
3. We're hoping to find lockers at major stations and using those to store as needed.
4. We've got a list of restaurants/food stalls/small eats seen on instagram that we want to tackle. Suggestions are always welcomed!

Thank you for all tips and feedback!

Hi. My name is Amy and in October I got very sick. I stayed that way despite multiple hospital visits that just disregarded my symptoms and gave me two powerful anti biotics. On December 8 I went in to the hospital because I felt like I was dying. They tried to pull the same thing with giving me anti biotics and sending me home. This time I rejected them and said no I need further evaluation. Giving me a general diagnosis of colitis and treating it with anti biotics just doesn't seem right. The anti biotics were making me feel worse. They admitted me that day.
Three days later they gave me a colonoscopy in order to give me an actual diagnosis and it turns out I had severe ulcerative colitis. steroids failed, Remicade failed, and I was transported to a hospital in Baltimore, bc I live in a rural area. The doctors were supposed to be more experienced. On January 5th, I had a total collectomy and now I have a colostomy bag.
A few days later they realized my right ureter (the tube between your kidney and bladder that transports urine) was severed. They put a stint in to try to direct the urine but the doctor didn't place it properly and severed the ureter completely. I ended up with a nephrostomy bag. The tube leading to the bag would cause me to become septic approximately every two weeks. I was very sick the entire time I had it and it wasn't until two weeks ago that I got rid of it through another major surgery.
May 15 I was supposed to have a surgery to remove my right kidney and transplant it to the left side of my body to re attach the ureter. But I was already in the hospital for another infected nephrostomy tube. so they had to put it off until I was able to be transported to a different hospital in Baltimore.
The kidney was so damaged from the weeks of continued infection, that after they connected the kidney to the ureter and transplanted what they thought was successful, I started bleeding internally and my body was rejecting the kidney. Just two weeks ago I nearly died. I now have one kidney, but I am alive. And grateful.
All of this has happened since October. My life changed in an instant. I was already on this sub because I have a neck injury that is also pretty severe. I can't even feel my neck pain because of how badly this abdominal pain is. I don't know what I did to myself to end up like this, but it's rare I wake up without crying every day.
The hospital prescribed me 15mg of oxycodone, once every 4 hours. They gave me a two week prescription, 84 pills I think. It said two weeks on the label. So two weeks would be the 7th.
I had an appointment with my pain management doctor yesterday so I called the pharmacy to make sure they ordered a months supply of this medication. I had her send the prescription way ahead of time so if any issues arise, they can be handled before the 7fh. He tells me they're on back order. That my insurance company won't cover any amount of pills until the 18th instead of the 7th. And when they do fill it, they can only fill 96 of the 180 that I was ordered for a months supply.
So I've been taking my prescription as prescribed by the surgeons who wrote the prescription. Every 4 hours. I am in serious pain. They did some serious damage and I am having more disgusting symptoms than ever. Now I can't even pee normally either. I start to pee, I'll get a good stream going, and then suddenly, it stops. I wait a moment or two and the same thing happens. I go through this until I think I have emptied my bladder. I'm worried because I am not sure that I have fully emptied my bladder. I am concerned about getting a kidney infection due to this. I can't get an appointment with a urologist until the.28th.
I have to go back to Baltimore on the 8th for a follow up. Visit with the surgeons or just a surgeon who may or may not have worked on me. I have to drive almost three hours to Baltimore for me to see the doctor for probably less than five minutes. Then turn around and go back home. At least that's how it went with the follow-up with the surgeon who did the collectomy.
I guess I just needed somewhere to rant. I have enough pills now that if I only take one a day, I'll be fine by the me the 18th rolls around. I'm calling my insurance company as soon as I can on Monday to see what's going on here. They have some policy that every 25 days, you're allowed 180 pills. After 25 days end, it starts over and you are allowed 180 pills. This is the first time I've ever come close to having a script so large until now.
I'm terrified of how the next two weeks are going to go. I'm in serious pain. Just the incision hurts so much, my entire inside feels bruised. You don't think about how much you use your abdomen until something like this happens and your abdomen is cut through..it's hard to walk, even just standing is a task. I can usually only do one activity per day before I need to rest. But I'm doing my best to get out at least once a day now. Also, while I was in the hospital my dog Lucy passed away on her 12th birthday. I had rescued her at six months old..
Thanks for listening to my unloading of so.much.sh*t.

Me: 39M, healthy, tall, educated, reasonably attractive, not on any medication, full hair, finances not quite what they should be at my age (that's what academia does to you) but better than ever before and improving, so no obvious red flags as far as I can tell and no downward tendencies in the last few years that would be an obvious reason for why I'm in a sexless marriage. I'm as fuckable as I ever were. So it's probably not that. I also have no unorthodox sexual desires, let alone recently developed ones, so it's not that either. I used to enjoy a hedonistic sex life in my 20s until I realised that it didn't fulfil me. Started looking for more calm waters and more meaningful connections, fell deeply in love with who would become my wife. The way I'm phrasing the story is relevant because sex was never a priority with her from the start. It was good, not great, it was fun/frequent enough but I loved her for other reasons and I mostly believe I still do.
Her: 37F, still very attractive to me, her body outright refuses to age, used to have some chronic endocrinological health conditions (thyroid issues) that were resolved beautifully when she changed her diet into a (now not so strict anymore) paleo direction and became a bit obsessed with gut health, gluten-free, yoga, supplements, etc. But her health seems to be proving her right ever since. Otherwise in good health and no psychological condition or trauma I'm aware of and no medication other than thyroid hormones.
Timeline: We met in 2010, split up for almost a year in 2015 (she left and asked me to take her back), we decided to go all in after that. Started trying to have kids around 2017, which turned sex into a chore with obsessive timing and zero passion whatsoever from her side. That phase really took the joy out of it for me as well and I was glad when we decided to stop and instead go with IVF, wich got us a wonderful little boy and my favourite human in 2019. There was no diagnosis that would have explained the difficulties. IVF took a second attempt as well. We also got married in 2018 but since then have had sex for fun exactly twice (once in 2018 and once in 2019). And of course it wasn't great, but why would it be after such a long time? I really enjoyed the intimacy with her though and suspected that we'd be able to have actual fun again. Interestingly she initiated both times (I have stopped trying a long time ago.) and both times happened on vacation in a hotel room. Make of that one what you will, psychologists. Maybe she was trying to find out if optimal conditions would make her enjoy it, I don't know. She's not easy to talk to about these things and acts very intuitively.
Fast forward to now. She has zero interest in sex and/or intimacy whatsoever, she says she never masturbates, has no sexual thoughts or desires whatsoever, she has just become completely colourblind to sexuality. She is a non-sexual entity and I've kind of started accepting her that way. But sex isn't the only thing that's lacking in our relationship. Any kind of non-sexual intimacy is extremely rare and our emotional connection is clearly damaged, as we both don't seem to show the kind of resilience and patience with each other anymore that family life demands of partners. I'm under the impression that couples who have a sex life are just more resistant to outside stress. Well, we clearly don't have that anymore. We're a functional team, most of the time. She's a wonderful mother, we still have our moments, and I don't think our marriage is 100% doomed quite yet. But I'm feeling some resentment and maybe even contempt building up on both sides when times are stressful and my general level of frustration shows.
And I honestly don't think anyone else but myself is to blame for my decisions. I don't feel deceived in any way and I'm also not viewing her decline to zero as in any way linked to external issues, trauma or health. I knew perfectly well that her sex drive and probably her whole experience of sex was near the lower limit of what I'd be able to live with, even in our 20s. I knew that she was just wired a little differently and that there would always be a chance that things could get worse. Her pregnancy issues kind of confirmed that intuition. Interestingly, her sex drive faded even more with her improving health, if she wasn't pretending that she ever had it in the first place. I couldn't blame her. I also appreciated (and still do) the great influence she is on my life in terms of values and self-care. Choosing her was like eating my vegetables. Maybe even punishing myself a bit for the life I've had before (again, nothing crazy, just flings with lots of women and no attachment). But it was eating my vegetables with someone I truly loved and who was (and still is) crazy attractive to me. But I should have seen this coming. It was wishful thinking all along. And that's completely on me.
So what now? Ever since my Dad passed away somewhat surprisingly in his late 50s, I'm starting to ask myself how many years of health I have left and I'm starting to think that I cannot live like this until I die. The idea of having sex with her now seems more weird and awkward to me than with a literal stranger, because of all the history and baggage. I honestly can't see myself doing that anytime soon but I'm also sure that it won't be asked of me. I'm going through some kind of midlife crisis 15 years too early, but for pretty much exactly the same hormonal reasons (on my wife's end).
Here are the options that I would suggest if I were the reader:

1. Suck it up. Life could be worse. I have a somewhat functional marriage and a lovely son who needs a functional family. We are his world and he deserves his world not to be fucked with. Pun intended. All the sex I've had in my 20s didn't make me happy either. Eventually my testosterone levels will drop and I will find more appreciation for the extra time I have. During this marriage, I've painted some badass Warhammer armies. But then again, my early midlife crisis is kicking in hard right now. I'm not ready to die. Maybe using something like excessive exercise or a new hobby etc... could it be possible to redirect the unused sexual energy. Does anyone have experience with something like that? Does it get better or worse if you hit the gym 6 times a week?
   
2. Seek Professional advice. I'm pretty sure at this point that I couldn't get her to seek medical advice. She has no unmet need, I do. Call it selfish, maybe this is something I need to bring up more. As far as she is concerned she has never been a very sexual person. Psychological: No idea. My wife will be very skeptical because she's a therapist herself (not for sexual issues though) so she probably knows the limitations better than anyone. Maybe she's just comfortable with the situation and has no regard for how I feel, so there is no pressure to fix things.
   
3. Leave. I couldn't do that to my son. I don't want to talk to him at 16 or whatever (if he still talks to me then) and tell him sorry son, that you had a fragmented, guilt-ridden and emotionally confusing childhood, but I had to leave because turns out I really like pussy. Impossible. Really not the kind of life the little guy deserves. So hard no. Of course this doesn't mean that my marriage won't blow up in my face eventually but I see no need to pull that plug preemptively.
   
4. Talk her into an open marriage. Not gonna work. She actually brought that up herself, as if I had asked already. And despite not wanting sex, I believe a total lack of jealousy would be horseman of the apocalypse, more than anything else.
   
5. Cheat and don't get caught. I'm thinking about this "solution", also knowing that some day I will have the opportunity to do something really stupid after three drinks and possibly will end up paying for it dearly. So why not do it intelligently instead? After about 3 years of sexlessness I hooked up with an old acquaintance from my university days a few times. It was incredibly easy for me to do, no guilt whatsoever. Because after all, I clearly wasn't giving anything to her that my wife would have wanted. Whatever we have isn't monogamy, it's zero-gamy, so to speak (couldn't be bothered to look up the greek word). I guess that's what you get for viewing your wife as a non-sexual entity. It felt amazing to be appreciated and the experience itself was a blast, but I wasn't able to fully relax because instead of guilt, I felt a sense of shame because I never thought this is the man I was going to be and also a kind of paranoia for fear of getting caught and destroying my son's family in the process. Taking off your wedding ring before entering a hotel room is such a gut-wrenching degree of personal failure that I dread ever being in that situation again (strangely that move was out of respect for the institution, isn't that absurd? Of course my friend knew I was married). Also the fear of getting another woman pregnant or jealous etc.. is a fear I'm not sure I'd be able to cope with long term. Ultimately, I'm not sure if that means that this path isn't for me or if I'd just need to get used to the pressures. Right now I don't want to. But how do you even approach "ethical" cheating? Lying to one woman is stressful, lying to two is bound to fail. So given that your affair needs to know that she's just that, what kind of woman is both comfortable in a situation like that AND trustworthy/stable enough for you to gladly put the fate of what's left of your family into her hands? It doesn't seem worth it and even though said former uni friend is probably both of those things, she has her own issues (and a failing marriage) too, and ironically, it seems wrong to be part of that in any way. So am I looking for a woman with lower ethical standards than my own here? How do you even approach that? Cheaters, please let me know how you do it. No judgement.
   
6. Prostitution. No. Just no. For a million reasons. Feel free to try to change my mind but no.
   

Here is what I am doing though. In order to fight my early onset midlife crisis, I made a pact with a friend who's also turning 40 by the end of the year to try to get ripped until our respective birthdays. I've been into some martial arts in the past but extreme personal fitness has never been a real goal of mine so this is what I'll be doing until the end of the year, hoping that spiking my testosterone isn't going to be all it does, thereby increasing the chance of doing stupid things. I'm hoping that being physically exhausted all the time makes me calmer and better able to vent my frustration and looking the best I ever have might also serve as a test for whether there is any sexuality left in my wife at all or if everything is truly lost and dead in that department. I'll also keep it in my pants for now as there doesn't seem to be a solution.
Thank you for your time, any comment is very much appreciated, including those telling me to grow a pair.

First Previous
Ja’vail woke up with a yawn, her eyes squinting in the evening light. Her room was positioned in the castle on the west side, to ensure that Tor’s sun would wake her up for her duties. It was a purpose that it served with perfection, despite the fact that she really would have liked to sleep for a few more minutes.
However, her duty could not be delayed. It was her power that served as the linchpin to Tor’s spell, and she would fulfill her duty to ensure her Diarchy’s, and her world’s, future. With a grunt of exertion, Queen Ja’vail rose from her bed, stretched out her wings, and moved to the balcony before picking up her robe. As soon as she was somewhat decent, the Queen of the Night then opened her wings, looked to the skies, and began channeling her power into the spellform that had been weaved between the planet and its moon, renewing the bonds that connected them, and ensuring the delicate balance between her magic and her husband’s would not come undone.
She performed this ritual twice a day, every day, to ensure the spell’s continued existence. In the past few months she had performed it well before Tor had performed his own renewal, and had had to go remind the foolish drake to not only perform his duties, but to hurry up and get his tail to bed. Without her efforts, and her constant reminder to the king, the entire thing would come undone, ensuring their planet’s rapid descent into division once again.
Without the two dakri turning the planet, the two sides would either become too hot or too cold to sustain life, with the twilight between them ruled by monsters birthed from the nightmares of the oppressed.
It was with some surprise, then, that as she poured her soul into this undertaking, she could feel the thrum of her husband’s power clear in her mind, letting her know that Tor had already renewed his half of the spell for the night.
He really did need that sleep, she thought, giving a self-satisfied nod towards the setting sun before turning back towards her private chamber. She still had much to prepare for her night; even with the most pressing matter out of the way, she still expected a full schedule. Her court wasn’t especially busy, as the dakri found the night to be the best time to sleep and prepare for the next day.
That was besides the point, though, as her duties rarely involved overseeing the day-to-day rule. Rather, her task was to patrol the ǣther, hunt the nightmares that plagued her people, and to do her best to heal the source of those nightmares.
This was especially important now that she had cleared the Forest of Yith and had located the source of that particularly violent nest. It was best to keep those nightmares from returning, and for this cause she was going to attempt to enter the survivor’s dreams again. She doubted she would have as much success this time as she had last time, simply because almost drowning had weakened the creature’s defenses significantly. However, she had faith that she would at least be able to soothe the visitor’s dreams, and possibly gain a little more information on how he thought.
At the very least, she’d settle for a name. She couldn’t just keep calling it ‘the creature’ or ‘the survivor,’ as those ‘names’ grew heavy on the tongue, and wore down her patience. A name would also help the visit she had planned go a lot smoother, and would hopefully help them as they tried to convince him to come to the castle with them.
Once Ja’vail was dressed, she left the comforts of her room and made her way to her husband’s study. As she expected, he was still there, his desk still quite messy, a combination of his daily paperwork and the reports of the crashed alien spaceship forming the majority of the clutter.
Much to Ja’vail’s surprise, however, Tor wasn’t at his desk. Instead, the drake was standing at his window, looking out over the countryside and the eerie sunset before him, a reminder of the twilight that his people had escaped. In his hand he held a memory crystal, its red glow plainly visible in the slowly darkening room.
“Tor, are you alright?” the queen asked as she approached her husband.
Tor turned to look at her, surprise on his face. “Oh, I am well enough, I suppose…” he said, clearly still lost in thought. The king then looked down at the memory crystal in his hand, his brows furrowing in displeasure. “I have just received some… unsettling news. I was actually waiting for your arrival before deciding on anything.”
Ja’vail took a few more steps, her eyes locked on her husband's diminutive form. “What happened?”
Tor looked at her, then back at the stone. “It isn't easy to say this, but… we may have to kill the visitor.”
Ja’vail felt like her stomach had turned to ice. “Kill? Tor, what madness are you spouting? What crime could he have possibly committed while I was asleep to earn him a death sentence?”
Tor looked at his wife, pain in his eyes. “Nothing, dear. He’s completely innocent. That is beside the point, however.”
“Then tell me, what madness has overtaken you that you would murder an innocent?” Ja’vail demanded, her tone brooking no argument. “Or what monster are you, to have taken the place of my Tor? I must say, you have the likeness down, but your impression of his mannerisms leave much to be desired.”
Tor let out a mirthless laugh at that. “No monster or madness, my dark princess. Just a visit from an old friend…” he sighed again, before turning and holding out the crystal for Ja’vail to take. “Lady Siv paid both me and the survivor a visit today. She left me this, as well as a decision to make.”
Ja’vail looked at the crystal, before staring back at her husband, a dubious expression on her face. "And she told you to kill him? I do not remember her being so heartless.”
“And you would remember correctly. She was nearly in tears when I met her, though she did well in hiding them,” Tor said, before approaching his wife. He gently took her hand, and placed the crystal in her palm. “When she saw the visitor, she also looked into his future. This is what she saw. Please, do not force me to bear this knowledge alone.”
Ja’vail’s expression softened ever so slightly before she glanced down at the stone in her hand. “I will look, but I do not promise anything.”
Tor’s crest rose, but he did not say anything else. Instead he turned back to the window, waiting patiently for his wife to see what he had seen.
The memory took Ja’vail less than a second to go through, but she felt like she had been gone for a lifetime when the world came back into focus. She stared at the rock in horror, before throwing it to the ground. It did not shatter, it being made of quartz, but it still felt satisfying after the horrors she had witnessed.
“I was not pleased, either,” Tor said, not even bothering to turn and look. “Even if the visitor was guilty of some crime, I would spare him for what he could teach our people. As it stands, he is lost and alone, hoping for a friend. And I have to kill this lonely soul.”
“But… but we can’t do this! You’re better than this… we’re better than this!” Ja’vail said, nearly in tears. “Would we really sacrifice an innocent for the security of our own realm? Would you… would you…”
“Would I what?” Tor asked, turning to his wife, fire in his eyes. “Would I judge the worth of souls? Would I weigh a single life against the good of my people? Of his people? Would I become my father?”
Ja’vail looked away, her eyes closed as she folded her arms. “I’m… I’m sorry…”
“Don’t be,” Tor said, turning back to the window. “You have no need to apologize. I cannot measure the worth of anyone’s soul, nor would I try. However, this visitor’s life is not worth the lives of every person on this planet. When you include the lives of his own world, as well as the unnamed snake people… well… the choice is quite obvious.”
Ja’vail looked down at the floor, her eyes filling with tears as she thought everything over. “Would it have been better, then, had I not saved his life? Should I have let him drown?” she asked, her voice barely a whisper.
“Maybe. Maybe not. All I know is that the spirits have told us that the lives of others are better off if his is forfeit,” Tor said, his voice filled with bitterness. “I have not even seen this visitor in the flesh, and I do not know anything about him at all. What is he like? Does he have a family? What does he enjoy?” Tor asked, looking to his wife hopefully.
Ja’vail shook her head, not daring to bring her eyes up to meet her husband’s, as she didn’t think she could contain herself if she did. “I cannot say. I was only in his mind for a brief time, and I do not understand much of what I saw,” she said, her form gently shaking, as if a chill wind had entered the room.
Tor looked back at the window, his eyes closed as he thought on this. “Essentially, we are deciding the fate of not only an innocent, but a complete stranger.” Tor took in a deep breath, then slowly let it out. “And try as I might, I cannot measure his worth as greater, or even equal, to the lives of my people’s. If it comes to it, he will be slain, and his body destroyed, just as the spirits have told us to do.”
Ja’vail began crying in earnest, her shoulders slumping with the weight of guilt. This caused Tor to turn to her, lifting her beak gently with one hand until she looked him in the eye. “So… let’s ensure that it never comes to that.”
Ja’vail looked up at Tor, hope in her eyes. “But, Tor, we can’t-”
“Shhhh…” Tor said, encircling his wife in his arms. He was shorter than her, but she still felt comforted, simply because it was him. “I’m not going to murder someone simply because of the damage his life might cause. Siv’s vision wasn’t that his continued existence spelled our doom, but that we must do everything in our power to ensure he doesn’t leave.” He pulled away from her a little, looking up into her hopeful eyes. “His death will be treated as a last resort, nothing more. For now, let us see how much worth his life is. What can he teach us? What is his people like? I, for one, do not want to squander this opportunity that the spirits have gifted us, simply for fear of an unknown future.”
Ja’vail’s crest rose as she dried her tears with the feathers on the back of her arm. “Yes… I completely agree…”
The two of them spent quite a bit of time like that, lost in each other’s arms as the sun slowly set on the horizon. Even after the world was shrouded in night, they were still there, lost in the comfort that each other provided.
* * *
Kel’vara’s beak glowed as she wove her magic, pulling the water from the bucket in front of her. It coalesced into a ball hovering inches above her hand, the swishing, splashing sounds of the liquid a soothing counterpoint to the frustration she was feeling.
She liked working with liquids when she was feeling upset. It had always come easy to her, the seemingly chaotic way it flowed and ebbed was a balm on her nerves, instead of a frustrating mess that most other practitioners found the state of matter to be.
She slowly flexed her fingers and extended her wings, the movements giving a tactile presence to the shapes she was forming in her imagination. Slowly, as if watching ice melt in reverse, the ball of water stretched and flowed, extending here, twirling there, molding and shaping to her will to become whatever she wanted.
In this instance, the water took the shape of a dragon, its long, strong legs striding through the air as it looked around, its inquisitive, intelligent eyes searching for prey, or barring that, a dakri to play with. Its long tail wagged behind it as it seemed to spot something, before it shot off like an arrow, dashing towards whatever had garnered its attention.
The small, watery, facsimile of a dragon didn’t get very far across the room before the door opened, breaking Kel’vara’s concentration and causing her happy little pet to lose its cohesion. In an instant, the once watery, spiky, two legged reptile was nothing more than a mess on the once clean floor.
Kel’vara looked up in annoyance, her gaze falling upon an irritatingly unapologetic Valros as he entered the room. “Haven't you ever heard of knocking?” Kel’vara demanded as she used her magic to scoop up the water and return it to the bucket.
Valros was unimpressed. “Kel’vara, you can’t just stay here sulking, we still have work to do.”
“I’m not sulking! I’m just practicing my more precise spell work,” Kel’vara said, turning up her beak as her crest lay flat against the back of her head.
Valros, however, did not look convinced in the slightest. “Kel’vara, The Lady is her own person. You can hardly expect her to stay around and answer every single question you have.”
“I never said that she wasn’t.”
Valros let out a frustrated sigh. “Well, if you’re sure, then I really think we need to go over the plan for tomorrow,” Valros said, trying to get Kel’vara back on track. “I don’t think we’ll need many knights, the thing’s pretty docile, all things considered. Have you given much thought in how we’re going to actually communicate with it?”
Kel’vara thought about this for a while, her beak glowing softly as she played a little with the water in her bucket, causing the surface of the liquid to ripple in odd ways. “Ja’vail said that she was able to communicate pretty well with it while it was dreaming. The only problem with that is that it was dreaming. I don’t know how dreams work with its species, but for dakri at least, anything that happens to our subconscious from outside forces is quickly forgotten. Bad dreams, flights of fancy, nothing to be taken seriously, or remembered.”
“I’ve been talking with the Captain of the Dreamguards about that too. He told me that we can’t rely upon that for communication, since we’re just as likely to get a straight answer as one about how the creature loves to eat its own pillow and ride a dragon made of Twirly Whirlys,” Valros said, stretching his wings a little and grunting with discomfort. The knight quickly brought his arm close to his chest, searching the broad wing until he found the feather that had been giving him trouble, and quickly put it back into its proper place.
Kel’vara found herself staring a little as the knight preened himself, before she turned away, her feathers fluffing a little in embarrassment. “Yes, and… ah, and in addition, the creature won’t be as weak as when we fished it from the river. It has an ǣon level spirit, after all, regardless of any actual ability it may or may not possess. We’ll be lucky to be able to intrude on its dreams at all.”
If Valros noticed her discomfort, he didn’t show it. Instead, he stood up and made his way to the window. “I remember the Sunrise Tribe had something to communicate, but it was mainly used to control their apprentices during ǣon training. It was supposed to be able to cross language barriers, but I don’t think we want to be dredging up the old ways…”
Kel’vara shuddered a little. “Those ways were barbaric.”
Valros nodded at her, but did not say anything as he stared out the window. “I suppose the only choice we have is to slowly teach the thing how to speak.”
“That’s not as easy as it sounds, though,” Kel’vara said, shaking her head. Valros looked at her, one of his brows raised, prompting her to continue. “When I treated his wounds, I ran a number of tests on him. He’s showing the symptoms of someone who has been transmuted into another shape entirely, except that he has no binding spellform keeping him in that shape.”
Valros looked confused at this. “You’ll have to forgive me, M'lady, but my knowledge of magic is somewhat limited to a handful of combat spells. You’ll have to use less formal terms with me.”
Kel’vara rolled her eyes a little, then used her magic to pull the water from the bucket again. With a thought, she caused the water to take on the shape of a dragon again. “With magic, it is possible to force something to assume another shape or state. Such as turning a dragon into a pig.” With a little exertion, the water took on the desired shape. “I’ll not bore you with the details, but things… well, they remember what they were. Always. If the spell is not properly maintained, the spellform will eventually fall apart, and the thing will revert. This is because things want to return to their old state. They’ll continue chipping away at the spellform, increasing the difficulty of keeping things in their altered state, until it grows beyond the mage’s ability to control. It’s why you cannot turn copper into gold and have it stay that way, or why you cannot turn dirt into food without accidentally poisoning someone.”
“Or purposefully poisoning someone,” Valros pointed out. “I remember history class at least. That happened quite a number of times during the Clan Wars.”
“It was a popular method of assassination, yes, but the old ruling class quickly caught on, and began screening their food before eating.” Kel’vara furrowed her eyes as she twisted the water to appear like the creature. “Whatever the bug-like aliens did to the creature, it didn’t involve magic. ‘The creature’s shape isn’t his own,’ if you remember what the queen told us. It’s entirely possible that it’s lost the ability to speak, even in its own language.”
Valros thought about this for a time. “Well, can’t we turn it back? Reverse the changes, and return it to its original shape?”
Kel’vara thought about this for a little bit, but shook her head. “It’s… possible, but there are so many unknowns. I was even afraid of using regeneration magic on him when I healed him. I had to resort to sealing spells to repair the damage.”
Valros looked confused. “I’m not sure I follow. I thought you healed it up pretty good.”
“I didn’t heal it at all. All I did was fuse its skin together, and do some very basic repair based on that strategy, to keep it from bleeding internally or externally. It’s why I still applied bandages, in case those wounds reopened; I couldn’t risk regenerating it,” Kel’vara explained, her voice both pained and exasperated.
Valros still didn’t understand what the fuss was about, though. “Why not? What’s the big deal if you use a little regeneration? And what does this have to do with changing it back?”
“Everything!” Kel’vara said, standing up in anger as she rubbed both hands through her crest. In response, the water in her grip twisted and flowed into strange shapes, a clear reflection of the tormented state of the battlemage’s mind. “This is an entirely unknown scenario, with an entirely unknown species! The spell to do this doesn’t even exist! All we have are spells to change something into something else, not to return something to its original shape. The way we would do this if this were a magical affliction would be to simply collapse the spellform, but this isn’t magic! If I were to try to change it back, any number of things could go wrong, the least being the creature dies a quick, painful death as it turns completely inside out! The closest I can come up with is the regeneration spell, which would force accelerated cell mitosis using the target’s remembered form, not its changed form. If I did use regeneration, it is entirely possible that the creature might revert…”
“...But?” Valros asked, knowing that there was a but in there somewhere.
“But the creature’s body might start attacking itself, killing itself from the inside out! The two different sets of genetic material might merge, making it into something even more monstrous than it is now! Any number of things could go wrong!” Kel’vara shouted, the water next to her turning into some kind of lumbering beast, whose basic shape only vaguely resembled the creature in the forest.
Valros held up his hands in a placating gesture. “Okay, okay, I get it. It’s probably a bad idea… but what do we do, then?”
Kel’vara collapsed into her chair, the water that she had been shaping falling into the bucket at the same time. “I don’t know… I really don’t know…”
Valros rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, there’s always pictures and trying to teach it to read…”
“That would take even longer than just teaching it to talk,” Kel’vara said dismissively. “Especially since it probably can’t-”
Before Kel’vara finished, a voice chimed in, interrupting her thought process. It seemed to be coming from the lieutenant’s belt pouch, and based on the tone of the speaker’s voice, whatever it was was urgent. “Sir Valros! Are you there?”
Valros quickly pulled out his whispering stone and gave it a squeeze, worry building in his heart. “What’s wrong, Calis?”
He almost wished he hadn’t asked, because what Calis said next turned his insides to ice. “Sir, I’m relaying a message. Viar and his drakes need backup, and they need it now. It’s those bug aliens the queen told us about. They’re here.”
First Previous
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Dun dun dun!!
Remember: if you can't wait, and want to find out what happens now, you can always just buy the books...
Amazon:
What I've Become
Nightmare of the Past
Google:
What I've Become
Nightmare of the Past

I see in the portal Internet customers can get 25% off 4 wireless BYOD lines. Calculator on the page agrees and refers me to a sign up that appears to only add one phone at a time and at regular price. If I go through the on-screen options, setting up and checking out one phone at a time, once I get all four enrolled will my overall bill drop to what the calculator said or am I better off going to a corporate store? This is kind of important as one phone is hundreds of miles away and nowhere near a store.

I (29F) live in a 2-bedroom apt in NYC with my roommate (25F). I have lived here for almost 3 years (moved in Sept 2020, on lease Oct 2020) and my roommate has been here for almost 2 years (subleased Aug 2021, added to lease Oct 2021). I am the only one who is listed on the utilities, not be design it just worked out that way when my former roommate moved out. I am the main tenant that is in contact with our BM/landlord whenever they are needed. I own most of the items in our apartment (furniture, appliances, kitchen items, etc.) and have no problem sharing them. Our relationship isn't great, hasn't been for a little over a year now, it is strained at best. I do my best to stay out of her way as much as possible and be a little of a problem to her because she has in the past been passive aggressive and controlling when I "do something wrong". I am the main caretaker of the apt: I clean up after both of us very often, I am the one who fixes or replaces things when they break, I purchase and restock all toiletry items and cleaning supplies (without charging her btw). My SO (31M) and I have been dating for a little over a year now and we want to live together in the near future. My SO and I came to the agreement that it would be best if he moved in with me in my current apt at the beginning of the new lease in Oct. We wanted to give my roommate as much heads as possible to accommodate and not just throw her under the bus with this info, so we told her this weekend what our desired plans were, giving her 4 months notice of the potential change. Needless to say, it did not go over well. Her immediate response was along the lines of "I've been expecting this for a while because I know you've been talking to our neighbor about this" (which is a blatant lie, I have not told anyone within our social circle that this decision was being made, let alone discussed) and also that "this is a conversation that should only be between you and me as we're the ones on this lease and it should be alone." Based on my past experiences with having conversations alone with her, I fully anticipate that I will be emotionally intimidated, manipulated, and guilt tripped for wanting to live with my SO at the start of the new lease. I also honestly don't entirely know what else there is to say about this, I have made my point, I want to live with my SO in an apartment that I have lived in longer than my roommate has in which most of it's contents belong to me. Did I go about this the wrong way? Am I unreasonable in assuming that I would be allowed to stay in this apt with my SO when clearly the living situation between me and my roommate is not great? I also did not make the situation about her, when all is said and done me wanting to live with my SO has nothing to do with her, even if we were BFFs this would still be happening. What do I do? Am I in the wrong here? If I am, please explain? Help!

i work in a pet store. i see weird gendered shenanigans on dogs all the time (had a lady once get a black leather leash because the brown was to feminine for her male dog lmao) but this was one was the wildest.
this lady came in and had a shampoo and asks me if we have wipes that smell like it. i do not have olfactory nerves or glands or whatever idk i don’t have the shit you need to smell so i asked her to describe and tell me what sent she’s looking for. this lady in full seriousness told me she needed a masculine boy scent for her dog. she kept insisting that her dog gets smelly at the end of the day and she wants her boy dog to have a nice manly scent. the crisis this sent me into. i was like i’m a boy i need to know the boy scent. but what the hell is a boy scent out of mango tango, outmeal, green tea, cherry and lavender ??? APPARENTLY GREEN TEA??
as someone who can’t smell i never considered scent dysphoria? is that, a thing do you guys try and smell like boys? is there a boy smell?????

Quick family background: I am from a family of five. Mom, Dad, D (older brother), me (F, 30), N (younger brother).
Both of my brothers are happily married with kids. I love them and their families! However, I feel as if I've fallen into the typical troupe of the "middle child." I am single, not particularly by choice. I have been in a few bummer relationships. Two were quite serious with an engagement in the near future until it wasn't. No worries there or whatever!
When my brother's started talking about or having children, my mom decided that she wanted to get her wedding dress remade into a christening/baptism gown for the grandchildren. She had mentioned that she was considering it. A few months later, we got picture texts in the family group chat from her showing us the new christening gown. It was beautiful, no doubt! I loved the dress but felt sad in the back of my mind because I would no longer be able to use her dress as a part of my (hopeful) wedding in the future.
Today was the first baptism since the gown was made. All of a sudden, I was feeling super sad. Just bummed that my mom hadn't considered me, her only daughter, before taking this dress and using it for her grandchildren.
I stewed about it for a while and finally decided I should text her with the off chance I feel better. My text read,
"Hi! Great day today. It was really nice to have both families all together! I don’t want to make this is a big deal but I just feel like I'll feel better if I share how I'm feeling. We can talk about this at a later date if you would like. I think the christening gown is SO lovely and Baby looked precious today. However, I wanted to let you know that I feel sad that if I get married in the future, I have missed out on an opportunity to be able to incorporate your dress into my special day. I just wish we, as mother and daughter, had had a conversation about the dress before it was remade into a christening gown. It was difficult for me today and I just thought that I would be remiss if I didn't let you know."
I wasn't really asking for anything. I just felt like I needed my feelings to been seen. She replied with this,
"I’m sorry you feel that way… I think I saved the pieces that were not used? They are in a box somewhere in this house. I will start looking for it. Sorry today was difficult for you."
Am I the asshole for being upset about this?? I know that I'm not close to marriage but I am VERY close to my family. Does it feel like I wasn't considered?

The 3 basic parameters of hashtag #Valzubiriagenda:

1. We artists and everyone else can write and self-publish art- and artist-related books: memoirs, biographies, art books and art catalogs. Books are forever. Pamphlets and brochures are not books.
2. We announce a schedule of increasing prices of our art pieces, which includes quantities (scarcity numbers) per price point and overall (the total quantity of art pieces we might ever make). This helps art traders, art investors and art collectors speculate or even stop speculating and instead join a community of investors working together to hopefully skyrocket to the higher announced prices in a shorter span of time.
3. We can use the NFT world, because NFTs provide the tracking (who owns what) and trading.

We can also not be involved with NFTs. Stores and individuals can help sell art using online presence and our catalogs in the stores. If this trends, or once this trends, even expensive art can be sold by neighboring businesses, without exclusivity. Commission systems do not have to be standardized. Art investors can produce their own catalogs to leave at the cafés. Even the cafés can produce their own catalogs.
Valzubiriagenda NFTs
NFTs only came about a few years ago. But I had been working on this since the 1990s. I wrote a book, Valzubiriagenda, along with fellow artist Silverio Perez, and released it in 2018 (Amazon and elsewhere), tackling everything related to #1 & #2. We'll come up with #3 in a later book/ memoi marketing book.
Any artist, including tangible artists can release 10,000 NFTs if the artist chooses to do so. For tangible artists, the NFT first becomes an Art Commission Contract for sight unseen, yet-to-be made art. Once the art is made, the NFT becomes proof of ownership that the actual, tangible art is theirs.
Warehousing our tangible art
Another related idea is that the tangible art may be warehoused by the artist so that the NFT traders continue to trade. This means that even 10-ton 10-foot tall sculptures can be owned and traded by anyone without worrying about shipping, reshipping, scratches, smudges, parts breaking off, etc. The newness of the pieces remain because they are stored by the artist, source, gallery, etc. The art piece gets shipped to the art collector, the ultimate owner.
An artist who makes ceramic coffee mugs - smaller art pieces, can release 10,000 NFTs with a schedule of increasing prices so that NFT traders can trade immediately. The 10,000 coffee mugs can get damaged, so as they are made, they continue to be stored by the artist, until the time when art collectors decide to have the art pieces shipped to them.
Why only now?
I decided to write as many book-length memoirs as I can before I came out to promote this.
I'm an artist and an author. Both need time to "master." I would not even fully use "master" on myself, because there's always something new, even to my own art, my own writing and publishing.

I am now claiming that I'm the visual artist who has produced the most artist memoirs in the world. I have 5 on Amazon. I count Valzubiriagenda as both a marketing book and a memoir-of-sorts, because it has a lot of my own life lessons on writing and publishing. I would not care to contest my claim of having the most memoirs. I will release 5 more over the next 3 years.

BARTER! Get help to write, photograph art and publish your books!
Anyone can hire 11 ghostwriters for 11 memoirs. If you can make art, but you cannot write, then barter your forever art with those who can help you produce forever books.
I don't feel the pressure of writing and publishing because I feel my focus should be on art students and art experts who would study my art and my books 100 years from now. Don't expect relatives and friends to read your books.
I call myself the Dollman
For my NFTs, I am proposing to make dioramas - my original, costumed, bejeweled porcelain dolls in backdrops that will also have precious metals and gemstones. This way I can incorporate precious metals and gemstones in my work, to make sure that people perceive my art as expensive, just in case I myself don't become "famous" - there's no need to get world famous. We are artists and all we need to do is to satisfy the art niche.
Use your laptop now!
I will encourage you to start writing your book-length memoir. Write, Edit and then Self-publish it. Get help. Why wait a hundred years for someone to write about you when all you need is a laptop and a nearby coffee shop.
Don't start counting chickens before the eggs hatch. I have encountered a lot of would-be writers who immediately see themselves as bestselling. world famous assets to society. Two even wanted me to sign NDAs (Nondisclosure agreements), because they did not want me to steal their book ideas.
Here's a suggestion. I would not personally do it. From one manuscript can come 2 books: The Original Draft (unedited, with misspellings, considered to be an art piece, scanned pages(?) of your handwritten original effort), and The Final Edition (edited).
PROVENANCE!
Another way to enhance our investability, tradability and collectability is PROVENANCE - how art ownership proceeds through time. The way this can be done is also through publishing books. Everyone can write their memoirs, biographies, art books and art catalogs, including traders, investors and art collectors. In effect, we artists can continue to be included or mentioned in even more books, without any additional effort by us.
You as an investor, reseller, trader, art collector should be able to publish a catalog with 250 works by 250 different artists, but they need to agree to this right from the start - it's your money, you should require them to follow your version of the hashtag #valzubiriagenda parameters, which preferably should include permission for you to publish their art. Why would you track down 250 artists later?
No exclusive contracts
If you're a café, you can call for artists, and come up with a book with for example, 30 artists, with a chapter devoted to each artist's profile and images of the artist's art.
You can distribute your catalogs to businesses and individuals near and far and online.
The book Valzubiriagenda even cites that funeral homes and janitors closets can sell art, with or without exclusivity. Airline catalogs can include million dollar art pieces. Car manufacturers, showrooms and even car repair shops can sell art as well. Everyone should be able to do this, anywhere in the world, especially not just because of the pandemic, but right now, we are in really bad economies.
What's with the name #Valzubiriagenda
I was into conspiracy theories in 2018, and this term, "The Mandela Effect," was popular. I had read many times that an artist coined the term, but I had to research online, for her name, many times, before remembering it. I'm not good at remembering names. It took me a year and a half to finally tell you that Fiona Broome coined "The Mandela Effect."
I also thought I might have to research trademarks and copyrights just to come up with a generic name. So I decided on "Valzubiriagenda." I was not really sure at first, but I decided to use it as the title for my book (with co-authoartist Silverio Perez) so that there would be no turning back and I can move on.
Am I a FUTURIST?
Someone I recently met this May 2022 just called me a futurist.
In the 1990s, I proposed to a pension fund that they can raise billions of dollars, especially for emergencies, or as needed, or out of desperation, if the pension fund purchases a quantity of art from an artist who not only has a current, reasonable price, but an announced future price that the artist wants to reach.
That future price would obviously be higher than the current price. The art commission contract for multiple art pieces can be taken to the fund's financial lender for a loan. The higher future price can be used for financing purposes.
The pension fund's treasurer, a publicly elected official, said this idea might work, but we had to keep this a secret and discuss this some more, because other pension funds might copy and do this prematurely. This idea had to come from the two of us. The treasurer needed his votes and I needed credentials.
Added into the pot was my idea that I, as the artist, will also write one book-length artist memoir. This was and still is a strong factor, because the leadership and marketing books I had read then mentioned a strong tip. If you want to advance in your field, write a full-length book that is related to the field.
Unfortunately, the elected official, the treasurer of the pension fund, who was also a friend, passed away - he was old and had ailments. At that point in time, I cannot just approach another pension fund treasurer to share this idea with.
I realized I had to write a few memoirs. I needed to set an example for other artists, so I needed to write more than one memoir. Then I felt I should also make ready another book - the how-to of what I'm up to. I wrote Valzubiriagenda, which was a memoir of sorts. I knew how long it would take me to write a book, so I had to make sure I can also consider this book a memoir.
In 2008, I imagined that someone like Bernie Madoff, or a fund like Lehman Brothers, would be desperate enough to use this to save themselves and their companies. I was not ready. I had only written 1 manuscript for a memoir.
In 2012, I released Dollman the Musical, A Memoir of an Artist as a Dollmaker. Once again, I was not ready because writing it depressed me a little, and I knew I had to write more.
In 2014, I released 3 memoirs, and re-released Dollman the Musical. Besides releasing regular books, I released special editions of the 4 books, which had a "Special Secret Insert for Bankers," which explains my ideas of an announced schedule of exponentially increasing prices, to satisfy investors, and the publication of artist memoirs, to satisfy art collectors.
In 2014, I also issued out a press release. Google "Can Billion Dollar Artist Save Investors and World Economy Valentino Zubiri PRWeb August 19 2014" and you will see the press release.
What I did was stake a claim on my ideas. I did not promote my books and the press release. I just wanted them to stay online, like a sleeping giant or a dormant volcano. I even designed 3 of the book covers to look like indie books from the 1980s. I was planting the seeds, thinking they will eventually grow and bear fruit in the future.
In 2015, I was interviewed by Richard Syrett, about one of my memoirs, Hocus Pocus Lately. This book is my memoir with paranormal stories. I could have pursued promoting my paranormal stories, but I wanted to be known first as a visual artist and memoirist, so I allowed myself one interview related to Hocus Pocus Lately. Richard Syrett has(had?) his own syndicated radio show, The Conspiracy Show with Richard Syrett, about the paranormal. He also guest hosts on Coast to Coast AM, another internationally syndicated show about the paranormal.
In 2018, I released Valzubiriagenda (co-authored by artist Silverio Perez, a fellow artist). Finally, this book is "the how-to of what I'm to."
I'm going to end this with some strangeness. In 1986, a lady at a religious gathering went into a trance and left a good number of messages. Supposedly, anyone who got into a trance would have messages, but once the trance was over, the person would not remember what was said.
I was not part of the group, but the lady turned her head to face me. She "foretold" that whatever I would decide to do in the future, it will take time, but it will be the right thing. This is one of my stories in one of my memoirs, Hocus Pocus Lately.
The Tulipmania of 1634-37
I discovered that there was this incident of rare tulips becoming collectible during the Dutch Golden Age. There were tulips so rare and so well-desired that their prices equaled to that of a house. You can read more about this online (Wikipedia) or watch a few YouTube videos about it.
Here is the most useful idea that I gleaned from the Tulipmania. The tulip bulbs remained safe inside nurseries. The traders were carrying the deeds of ownership to the tulip bulbs.
Then NFTs came to the forefront
I started learning PHP, an HTML scripting language, and MySQL, the database that PHP can connect to in the background, in 1999, when there were only 3 books about PHP and MySQL at the bookstores.
By 2014, I was trying to figure out how to make the "ledger," or database that can be used to update ownership and who can be contacted. If we are trading art, then the art ownership should be updated.
Then NFTs came about. This can be used as our ledger. Everyone can immediately trade NFTs of future, yet-to-be made art pieces, especially because it takes time to make tangible art.
NFTs actually went a step ahead, by allowing digital art to be traded.
The only setback with NFTs, in my opinion, is that it still lacks a commission system for resellers and representatives.
For example, if a café wants to represent me, then they can promote me at their café and on their online pages. If I make one piece of art that will be exclusively represented by a gallery, then that commission will be different and more specific. As ownership is transferred, the subsequent owners should be able to reset the commission. We should also have the option of giving commissions to hundreds of representatives at one time with different percentages if need be.
The recent crypto crash
Lately, we have observed that NFTs and cryptocurrencies have been behaving like the stock market and other markets. They have been fluctuating.
I believe that it is time for a trend which discourages fluctuation of prices.
I have also seen YouTube videos where social influencers are encouraging us to be on the lookout for exponentially profitable ventures, because we have all seen this happen with the exponential increase of Bitcoin and Ethereum.
Let's see if #Valzubiriagenda trends
We can announce present and future art prices. The galleries won't do this (yet?) because they follow a more traditional approach to the business of art.
We have a choice of using incrementally or exponentially increasing prices. We still reserve the right to change things in the future, so everyone should know to follow the latest update.
If this trends, if you as an artist simply announces that you will write an artist memoir, or that you will include the future works in future art books, you might have more art traders, investors and collectors approaching you.
Get your pen, paper and calculator
Imagine yourself as an artist, where you are right now. Let's just say you still do not have a book about yourself and your art yet. Imagine now that you have a memoir out there. Don't you think it makes sense to charge more than what you are charging now? Writing and publishing books is just the beginning. I'm just standardizing this approach. The books also say to do other related projects. In my case, getting Dollman the Musical onstage is one idea. You will have other related projects, but the publication of memoirs, biographies, art books and art catalogs will help all of us.
You can also imagine that a law firm that has meeting rooms, with someone who wants to form a local #valzubiriagenda group, can have meetings. A local café can do the same. Local photographers for your art, writers, editors, book designers, proofreaders and others can join in.
I suggest have printed books to share. 15 copies of your memoir or art books will be better than an e-reader or laptop or your phone to show. These gadgets can be stolen, sabotaged, broken, have coffee spilled on them, etc. 15 printed books means simultaneously showing to 15 people. You can even give them away to potential resellers, investors, traders and collectors.
When it rains, it pours, as in the days of Noah
There's a saying, "When it rains, it pours." There is a negative interpretation and a positive interpretation.
Negative: When trouble comes, they cascade to even more.
Positive: When opportunity comes knocking, more follow suit. We can assume that if one gets our art because of #valzubiriagenda, more want to do it now, because of the rising prices, and FOMO - fear of missing out. What will they lose if they miss the boat?
As I have said earlier, if the #valzubiriagenda trends, if you announce a future memoir or art catalog, you might have an increase of investors, traders and art collectors who would want to check you out. You might encourage more sales. Just remember to write and publish that memoir and art catalog.
There's this saying, "As in the days of Noah." Imagine Noah, building his ark, with members of his own family, putting all his time and effort into it. Noah was a nice guy. I'm sure every once in a while a neighbor offered him coffee, or chai latte, or whatever refreshing drink they might have back then.
Here's the lesson to be learned. Just because they offered him some type of bubble tea drink, or coca cola, they still didn't make it to the ark. Rubbing shoulders with actors does not make you an actor. I have told my artist friends to write their memoirs. They told me that once they see me succeed, after all these many years of seeing my seemingly useless efforts, then they will write their memoirs and follow the road that I had paved for them.
Good luck to them, but if I were you, act now, get my art or make art. Support the 5-year old artist whose parent promised to release a comprehensive art catalog. If you get that 5-year old's art, and mine, I would be honored to be in the same art catalog that you will produce. I'm already successful at that point. You have gotten the mission just right.
I have already claimed to have written the most book-length artist memoirs in the world. Dethrone that claim. Barter. Use ghostwriters. Success to me means facing God one day and saying, I wrote my memoirs and left the world a legacy of books and art. I will not tell God, smiling and proudly, that I encouraged a run for my art by announcing a schedule of exponentially increasing prices that reached 9 figures. I'm sure God knows we had fun.

JOIN THIS GROUP

If you want to try out #valzubiriagenda, in any capacity, join this group. Let others know about this group as well.
If you are an artist, you can let everyone know here that you will produce your memoir, art catalogs, etc. It's okay if you don't know how to go about publishing yet, I will discuss this. Please be honorable enough to produce what you promise to produce.
If you want to meet fellow artists, investors, resellers, etc., join us here.
If you are a book writer, editor, proofreader; if you can photograph art pieces; if you are a book designer, etc., join us here. Let us know if you charge, barter for art, or both.
If you have your own tips and knowledge to share, join us here.
If you have underaged artists you are managing (parents, etc.) join us here.
Join this group if you want to sell works. Post your works. You web links. I'm sure I will.
You can announce meetings in your area. You might have meeting rooms, a café, restaurant, etc. where people can meet. In the future, you can have the regular show and tell, where books can be shown and shared.
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Thanks for reading. Please let me know if I need to edit some parts. Please share and join this group. - Valentino Zubiri, Dollman, Artist, Memoirist
Underaged artists are welcome here, so please be mindful of your language. We cannot post your adult-oriented art pieces, but you can direct us to a separate page or community. There will be limits to your posts, and there will be adult-oriented art that we cannot allow to be posted.
Thanks for reading. Please let me know if I need to edit some parts. Please share and join this group. - Valentino Zubiri, Dollman, artist & memoirist