Applebee's steak and shrimp parmesan recipe

What are some popular seafood dishes served in seafood restaurants?

2023.03.24 08:08 Safe_Bet_9752 What are some popular seafood dishes served in seafood restaurants?

What are some popular seafood dishes served in seafood restaurants?
Certainly! Seafood restaurants specialize in serving a variety of seafood dishes to customers. Some of the most popular dishes served at seafood restaurants include:
  1. Fried Seafood Platter: A common menu item at seafood restaurants, this platter usually includes fried shrimp, scallops, clams, and sometimes even fish fillets. It is often served with a side of French fries and coleslaw.
  2. Lobster Roll: A classic New England dish, the lobster roll consists of a split-top hot dog bun filled with chunks of fresh lobster meat tossed in mayonnaise and sometimes celery, and served with potato chips or fries.
  3. Seafood Pasta: A pasta dish that is often made with a variety of seafood such as shrimp, mussels, and clams. It can be served with a white or red sauce and is usually garnished with parsley and grated parmesan cheese.
  4. Fish Tacos: A Mexican-inspired dish that is popular in seafood restaurants, fish tacos are made with battered or grilled fish, shredded cabbage, pico de gallo, and a lime wedge, all wrapped in a soft corn tortilla.
  5. Grilled Seafood Platter: This dish usually includes a selection of grilled seafood such as shrimp, scallops, lobster tails, and fish fillets, served with a side of steamed vegetables and rice pilaf.
  6. Clams Casino: A classic appetizer made with whole clams, breadcrumbs, butter, garlic, and bacon. The clams are usually served on a bed of rock salt and can be garnished with lemon wedges.
  7. Cioppino: A seafood stew that originated in San Francisco, cioppino is made with a variety of seafood such as shrimp, crab, mussels, and clams, cooked in a tomato-based broth with garlic and herbs. It is usually served with sourdough bread.
  8. Sushi: A Japanese dish that has become popular in seafood restaurants around the world, sushi consists of raw fish served with rice and a variety of vegetables such as cucumber, avocado, and seaweed.
  9. Crab Legs: A seafood delicacy that is often served steamed or boiled, crab legs can be served with melted butter, lemon wedges, and a side of coleslaw.
  10. Oysters on the Half Shell: A classic appetizer that is often served raw on a bed of ice with lemon wedges, cocktail sauce, and sometimes horseradish.
These are just a few of the many delicious seafood dishes that you can find in a seafood restaurant.
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2023.03.24 07:24 Omega9927 My Best Worst Run So Far

This is a long post! Tl;Dr at the end!
So I just started a new run today, modded to hell and back but primarily QoL stuff, Britas, They Knew, Only Cure (it's a fun alternative when the hazmats are all hiding) and Don't Feed The Zombies and Susceptible. I turn off DFTZ hordes because they're broken, and instead zombies only eat corpses they happen to wander past, which is fun.
I have just shy of 300 hours in the game, but don't let that fool you I'm really, really bad at it, so I'm doing my absolute best here to give it a good good try. My character is Maya Hallman, dyslexic burglar who has a lot of focus on being small, quick and stealthy. I know stealth is usually pretty, meh, but when it starts at 3 and you have inconspicuous and graceful it's usually pretty handy to have.
It's worth noting I also installed Evolving Traits World for this run and for the first time. So it turns out Maya is also super anxious and has a lot of trouble sleeping, which is incredibly relatable. This becomes relevant later. Ish.
Maya spawmed in Riverside, at a library and got a good early bump to a lot of recipes through sitting and reading magazines. She was also prepared for the apocalypse and started with a spiked baseball bat, and a hunting knife. There was a commercial kitchen nearby with some steak and chicken just sitting on the benches, so she slapped that in the oven and had a meal for for a queen. Then she went and found a quaint little house free of zombies, behind a tall invincible fence, and dropped her bags there, got changed into her pajamas -a teal satin neglige she definitely didn't pull off a zombie- and slept.
Or so I thought, instead of sleeping, every zombie that walked past the house stirred her awake. So did every single random sound event brought on by the Random Sound Events mod. So the first night was tough to sleep through, even at maximum fatigue. But eventually, after several hours of trying, Maya was exactly well rested enough to get to it. Some powerful item organising later, some early morning Exposure Survival and a bowl of pasta later, we head out to start sweeping through the street.
There were a lot of zombies, and the baseball bat didn't last too long, neither did the hunting knife. But we found and axe and a crowbar so we have backup weapons and they're pretty good. Maya is a burglar anyway, she knows her way around a crowbar pretty well. Using our new weapons and a mostly cleared of food street, we go just up the road to a nearby gigamart. The back door is not only unlocked, but entirely missing so we walk straight on in.
Aaaand set off an alarm. Shit. Maya grabs three fridges and two shelving units worth of food and drink without looking at it, runs home through a couple other houses, and dumps all the food in the fridge or the cupboard. Among the goods are some seven sacks of fruits and vegetables, and about thirty kilos of non-perishables. Tinned foods, cereals and even some chips. A not so bad haul!
I proceed to immediately forget about the alarm, and the crazed blitz out of the store witnessed by many zombies.
A slightly more restful night, and we head to a nearby school parking lot, where I find a bike with a full tank of gas, and a jeep of some description with cracked windows, but otherwise pretty well maintained. We get the bike hotwired no problem and find a key to the jeep. But there's a really fancy looking sports car I'm interested in looking inside of, so I decided to test out one of my other mods I've never really played with.
Better Lockpicking! Maya grabs her newly baptised in blood crowbar, and I get a fun little minigame to pry open the door. I've never done this before, but it's cool! It also drains endurance like nothing else I've ever seen before, and my endurance seems to be coming back much slower than normal, but that's fine. I just want to get inside the car!
Well something I didn't think of, is all the noise this would make, and the inability to fight due to not having any endurance left. All those zombies dragged in by the alarm have been quietly and politely snacking on corpses in my street but otherwise leaving me alone. Until now, because why eat a dead corpse when you can eat a fresh one! So a horde some fifty or sixty thick comes shambling over to contact me in regards to my new cars extended warranty, and take a deposit of flesh upfront. After lots of crazed dragging around, Maya ends up just barely jumping on the bike and getting out of there.
One cool thing is whatever model bike this is has no horn, and instead pressing Q just revs the engine really loudly. So we do that for a while to drag zombies away from home, but it's not good enough in the end and we have to crash somewhere else for the night. I clear out no less than three houses, and STILL have to move onto a fourth house because all the exhausted attacking takes too long and draws too much attention from the zeds. I forgot to clear the fourth. Maya is so tired she passes out and sleeps for six continuous hours before waking up for the first time.
Too rested to sleep more, and with our sleeping pills at home, I check the bathroom to see if there's any in there, and get greeted by two zombies who I had no idea were in the house but of course, it makes sense. I did literally just, not check the house at all. Thankfully Maya is rested, so she takes them down with no worries. No sleeping pills, but that's fine. We find a second jeep, in absolutely perfect condition, and fill her up with fuel siphoned from the bike. Which had so much in it there's even still a bit left in case of an emergency!
We drive back home, and find that the hordes have moved around but are definitely still in the area. But with time, motivation, and a detour through the school, I drag them off in little clusters and slowly whittle them down. I even find a bottle of bourbon on one of them, stuff a pair of zombie socks in the top, and make my first Molotov in 300 hours. Absolutely satisfying, nothing goes amiss, I train all the zombies into a neatly packed congaline of flames and they all die politely.
Maya heads back home and has another restless night, waking up around four in the morning. Eat, take care of the zombies chewing on corpses in the back yard, watch the woodcraft guy take his shirt off on tv. Living the dream. But by now the zombies are starting to stink up the place and we've narrowly avoided corpse sickness by taking that break in the random house for a night, so i decided it's time to start burning bodies. Maya lights a campfire in the back yard and starts tossing corpses into it, easy enough!
But when she stops to have a cigarette, a zombie sneaks up on her. Drawn in no doubt by the crackling flames and the sound of burning flesh, so it's a scramble to pull her mask back on before she gets sick while also training the zombies through the campfire. Hey, at least I won't have to cremate them one by one this way?
Several very close calls and a lacerated arm later, the horde I had utterly forgotten about being drawn into and avoided in the school, is finally, finally, dealt with. So, Maya heads on into the kitchen through the back door for a well earned strawberry milk!
And immediately bursts into flames because a flaming zombie managed to die just on the cusp of my house and now the kitchen is on fire! And I don't have an extinguisher yet! The Stop Drop And Roll mod comes in clutch, and Maya puts the fire out before it gets too bad. She'll be tender on the lower torso for a while, but all in all that's a good trade for her life. The screams of pain draw in a couple of stragglers, but only four zombies comes to check it out. They stumble over some still burning corpses -one actually lost interest in chasing Maya and instead went to monch on a flaming corpse of its own accord- and quickly perish
Then, finally safe, again, Maya heads inside to watch the damage unfold and also, finish off that damned strawberry milk before the fridge burns down. All the counters are gone, all the weapons and the guns, all the cooking gear and even my cupboard full of drugs. But I managed to save my spare bags and it's honestly very pretty, the effects of a fire. Eventually, the fire dies out and only three tiles of kitchen remain. The one with the fridge, the one with the corner cupboard full of non-perishables, and a single wooden chair.
Counting her lucky stars, Maya doesn't even get pajama'd and instead just falls into bed. Somehow, the food, arguably the most important stuff I had, because I pulled it from every house in a two street grid, survived. All the weapons and the drugs and cigarettes are replaceable, and the burns will heal. For the first time ever, I actually have a recoverable run here! If this was my typical run, I would have been dragged down by flaming zombies for daring to use a new mechanic. I'm feeling good about this! I'll update when I inevitably wraparound a stopsign moving all my stuff!
Tl;Dr, Shenanigans after shenanigans ensue that end up with a massive, flaming horde wandering through my base in the early days of a new run, and burning down everything EXCEPT my stockpile of food, kicking off what will hopefully be a very badass character arc!
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2023.03.24 05:54 skrollas [Homemade] Surf and turf with garlic parmesan sauce

[Homemade] Surf and turf with garlic parmesan sauce
Inspired by the shrimp 'n' parmesan sirloin from Applebee's, except with actual quality meat lol
Garlic parm sauce was made following an online recipe. Butter, garlic, flour, milk/cream, and cheese, with garlic salt and herbs to taste.
Steak is a pan-fried ribeye (too cold to grill outside rn). Unfortunately I slightly overcooked it (was aiming for med-rare but ended up closer to med), but otherwise this came out deliciously. Shrimp were cooked together with the steak.
Fries were just store-bought and air-fried lol
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2023.03.24 04:03 ExprezziveDove16 How do restaurants make their meat substitutes taste so meaty??

Maybe my palette is just too used to the taste of flesh but, I could never make plant based meat taste meaty at home. Beyond, Impossible, Gardein, and other products do not quite hit that mark for me. Even jackfruit, seitan, and tofu repeatedly frozen and pressed don’t quite do it for me. I’ve ordered all the right spices, additives, gadgets and even asked restaurant employees for recipes but, I cannot replicate meat substitutes the way restaurants can. I ate a “tuna” macaroni salad and you could’ve fooled a carnist into thinking there was real tuna in it. Tonight, I treated myself to a Philly cheesesteak egg roll where the seitan steak satisfied like the real thing. Is there anything special that restaurants are doing that I’m not doing? If anyone works in a vegan restaurant, are there special suppliers that you source your mock meats from? Is there anything that we’re not privy to? I just want a good Vegan crab cake without forking over $15 lol. Help me.
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2023.03.24 02:20 therealstammer Thoughts on this menu? It’s for a high-end Italian Japanese Fusion Steakhouse in Miami.

Thoughts on this menu? It’s for a high-end Italian Japanese Fusion Steakhouse in Miami. submitted by therealstammer to restaurantowners [link] [comments]

2023.03.24 00:07 DroppedTheBomb Advice for a newbie

So I'm sure I could google this, but I like the idea of different opinions from different folks without having ads or reading from someone who has no idea. So I recently "inherited" a cast iron from a friend of mine, (we made steaks in it, and he left it here next day) but it currently has about an 1/8th of an inch of grease left in the bottom and I'm afraid to wash it because apparently that's a no-no. So what's the process of cleaning a CA that has cold oil/grease just sitting in the bottom of it, and is it better to do at the time kind of thing or am I just overthinking it? I know alot of cast iron recipes but i dont know hardly anything about the cleaning/oiling/seasoning process. TIA
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2023.03.23 23:52 honkytonk30 OOOOOOH MY?!?!?!?

OOOOOOH MY?!?!?!? submitted by honkytonk30 to deadlockpw [link] [comments]

2023.03.23 22:41 Sayruhhhhh Ashley's next dinner she makes. Jk even this is too complicated for her. Stick to the ketchup seasoning girl.

Ashley's next dinner she makes. Jk even this is too complicated for her. Stick to the ketchup seasoning girl. submitted by Sayruhhhhh to exposemakeupqueenn30 [link] [comments]

2023.03.23 15:48 eZGjBw1Z (US) Upcoming ALDI Finds for 3/29/23 (3/26/23 in some stores)

The Upcoming ALDI Finds Ad for 03/29/23 - 04/04/23 is now available. The ad actually starts three days earlier in some stores. A list of items in each category is included below.
Bold denotes items that are new since the corresponding Aldi Finds Sneak Peek ad was published.
Corresponding Sneak Peek Ad post: (US) Aldi Finds Sneak Peek for 3/26/23 (3/29/23 in some stores)
Previous Aldi Finds ad: (US) Upcoming ALDI Finds for 3/22/23 (3/19/23 in some stores)
Archived Aldi Ad
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2023.03.23 15:38 detroit_style Adverse/allergic reaction after double red donation (Apheresis)

Current medication:
Currently actively losing weight with strict ketogenic diet and fasting. I mention this because I'm deeply adapted to ketones and low blood sugar. I had an A1c of 4.2 at last physical and routinely see blood glucose numbers in the 60s while feeling great. I've never had an issue with donating blood or TPs before, even on multi-day fasts, but never done double reds before.
Fitness enthusiast, primarily endurance/cardiovascular. Due to TRT and exercise I have a high hemoglobin/hematocrit and have been donating blood regularly to offset this.
The morning of the blood drive, I had a ~45 minute run and then a large breakfast of steak, eggs, and butter around 6am. I also had an electrolyte drink with 1200mg sodium and 600mg potassium.
Upon showing up at the blood drive, which was at noon, my hemoglobin was tested with an instant-read device at 17.8 which is about what I expected it to be.
I typically squeeze the ball pretty aggressively when donating blood. I was not familiar with the double red procedure and wasn't able to tell when the return vs draw was happening. This was an at-the-workplace blood drive and didn't have constant supervision.
At some point during the procedure the needle infiltrated and I ended up with a bulge on my arm about 0.5" high and maybe 2"x3" in width/height. The nurse showed some concern when she pulled the needle but said it would go down. I thought nothing of it and went on my merry way. I did not eat/drink anything caloric.
When I got back to my desk (just upstairs), I started itching. Probably 10 minutes after finishing the procedure. All over my body but most noticably on both of my shoulders (the blood draw was at the usual location, inside the elbow) and my head. I noticed hives on my shoulders.
I went back downstairs and told them about it, they had me talk to a doc via phone and fill out a report. I wasn't especially concerned, moreso just wanted answers in-case there's something I need to know about for future care. This was the first time the nurses had seen any kind of reaction like this that wasn't local to the injection site.
The doc did not seem willing to speculate on what could have caused it but advised me to leave work, take two benedryl, and if I had trouble breathing, to use my son's epi-pen (when explaining, I mentioned that my son had a nut allergy so I had a bit of experience with allergic reactions) and call 911. I think she is supposed to call back today for follow-up.
I went home (~40 minute drive) and felt completely fine by the time I got home. Still I took the benadryl as advised, zonked out, and am totally fine today. Had a bad run this morning, but that's to be expected with the red blood cell loss.
What I can't understand is what I could have possibly had an allergy to. They return your own blood + saline into you, and I can't imagine having an allergy to saline -- seems like that would not be compatible with life. I've also had IV drips before of saline, glucose, and medication.
The nurse mentioned that an anticoagulent agent might be part of it, but didn't know what it was. I think it would just be citrate? Which again seems like something unlikely to be allergic to? I've taken tons of medications and supplements in my life that are bound to citrate, and I'd assume I've probably had it intravenously at some point, having been on a few IV drips in my life.
Heparin might be used but it seems rare, and heparin allergies are also very rare?
It wouldn't have anything like warfarin in it, would it? I can't imagine that.
I think it was definitely something in the return, because it wasn't localized to the injection site. I'm also not allergic to latex.
Could there be a common component of CT scan dye and apheresis return solution? That seems like it would make the most sense.
I guess I'm just totally puzzled into what this could be.
Is this worth following up with my PCP (IM) over now? Or should I just bring it up at my next routine visit?
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2023.03.23 13:39 Starmasale Health Benefits Of Peri Peri Masala and Some Delicious Recipes

Peri peri masala is a popular spice blend that originates from Portuguese cuisine, but has become a staple in African and Indian cuisine as well. This spicy blend of herbs and spices adds a unique and intense flavor to any dish it is added to, making it a must-have for any spice lover. In this article, we will explore the history, ingredients, and benefits and provide some delicious recipes for you to try.

Ingredients of Peri Peri Masala

The exact ingredients of this masala can vary depending on the region and personal preferences, but it typically includes a combination of the following ingredients:
Peri peri chili pepper: This is the key ingredient that gives peri peri its signature heat.
Paprika: This mild spice masala adds a slightly sweet and smoky flavor to the blend.
Garlic powder: This adds a savory and slightly pungent taste to the masala.
Onion powder: This adds a sweet and slightly tangy flavor to the blend.
Oregano: This herb adds a slightly bitter and earthy taste to the masala.
Cumin: This spice adds a warm and slightly bitter flavor to the blend.
Salt: This is added to enhance the overall flavor of the masala.

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Health Benefits of Peri Peri

Peri peri masala not only adds flavor to your dishes, but it also offers several health benefits. Here are some of the benefits of masala:
Boosts metabolism: this masala contains capsaicin, the compound responsible for the heat in chili peppers, which has been shown to boost metabolism and aid in weight loss.
Rich in antioxidants: The spices in peri peri masala, such as paprika and oregano, are rich in antioxidants, which help to protect the body against free radicals that can cause cell damage and contribute to chronic diseases.
Anti-inflammatory properties: The chili peppers in this masala contain capsaicin, which has been shown to have anti-inflammatory properties and can help reduce inflammation in the body.
Boosts immunity: The garlic in this masala is known for its immune-boosting properties, making it a great addition to your diet during cold and flu season.

Recipes using Peri Peri Masala

Here are some delicious recipes that use peri peri:
Peri Peri Chicken: This spicy grilled chicken recipe is perfect for summer barbecues. Simply marinate chicken in peri peri masala, olive oil, and lemon juice, then grill until cooked through.
Peri Peri Fries: Sprinkle peri peri over oven-baked fries for a spicy twist on a classic snack.
Peri Peri Shrimp: This simple and flavorful shrimp recipe is perfect for a quick and easy dinner. Simply sauté shrimp with peri peri and serve over rice or quinoa.
Peri Peri Roasted Vegetables: Toss your favorite vegetables, such as carrots, sweet potatoes, and Brussels sprouts, with peri peri masala and olive oil, then roast in the oven for a delicious and healthy side dish.

How to Use Peri Peri in Your Cooking

Peri peri can be used in a variety of dishes, from grilled meats to roasted vegetables to soups and stews.
Here are some tips on how to use peri peri in your cooking:
Marinades: Mix masala with oil, lemon juice, and other herbs and spices to create a flavorful marinade for chicken, shrimp, or tofu.
Rubs: Combine masala with salt, pepper, and other seasonings to create a rub for steak, pork chops, or even roasted potatoes.
Sauces: Mix masala with mayonnaise, yogurt, or sour cream to create a spicy dipping sauce for vegetables or a tangy dressing for salads.
Soups and stews: Add a teaspoon or two of peri peri masala to your favorite soup or stew recipe to give it an extra kick of flavor.
Snacks: Sprinkle masala on popcorn, roasted nuts, or potato chips for a spicy snack.


Peri peri masala is a versatile spice blend that can add a delicious and spicy kick to your cooking. Whether you’re grilling meats, roasting vegetables, or making a spicy sauce, peri peri is a great way to add flavor to your dishes. And with its health benefits, including its anti-inflammatory properties, it’s a great choice for anyone looking to add some spice to their diet. So next time you’re looking to add some heat to your cooking, give peri peri a try!
Resource URL:
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2023.03.23 12:50 NoDoctor4460 1940s Ed’s Drive-In menu, Spokane, Washington

1940s Ed’s Drive-In menu, Spokane, Washington submitted by NoDoctor4460 to VintageMenus [link] [comments]

2023.03.23 11:20 thekarlie33 The Lost Superfoods Reviews - Ultimate Survival Foods Guide With Art Rude

The Lost SuperFoods guide reintroduces various techniques of preserving food and contains many cuisine recipes to remind readers of forgotten and essential ingredients.
People have adopted modern The Lost Superfoods Reviews culinary practices and recipes with time. Revolutionary dietary lifestyles have led to snacking and other unhealthy options. The Lost SuperFoods guide reintroduces various techniques of preserving food and contains many cuisine recipes to remind readers of forgotten and essential ingredients. This review evaluates the content of the guide and its significance.
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Consumers must The Lost Superfoods Reviews click the 'Add to Cart button" to purchase the product. Once payment is successful, readers access the eBook immediately. Every order comes with a 60-day money-back guarantee. Consumers who aren't satisfied with the recipes or preservation strategies provided in the guide can contact customer service via email at to discuss the return policy or any questions they may have.
The Lost SuperFoods Exclusive Bonuses Upon purchase, consumers are also awarded bonus guides, each worth $27, and they include: "A Year-Round Underground The Lost Superfoods Reviews Greenhouse in the Backyard" Guide This free publication enables consumers to get two to four harvests annually, depending on the climatic conditions in their region. The guide showcases how one can ensure food supply in any type of weather by working leisurely. In addition, one requires about $200 for raw materials to develop their greenhouse.
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Final Word Food security is vital, especially when times are dire. Pandemics, natural disasters, and harsh climatic conditions can lead to starvation. Unlike in ancient times, the dietary lifestyle has changed, and many people have adopted modern food recipes that might not last long without spoilage. The Lost SuperFoods guide The Lost Superfoods Reviews showcases various recipes and preservation strategies to aid consumers during a crisis. The book also enables readers to make risk-free investments for unprecedented food security and prices in the future. Consumers can get the food preservation and stockpiling guide at a steep discount. Visit the official website to order the Lost Superfoods guide today!
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2023.03.23 09:44 judy0111 [I ate] medium-rare steak, grilled shrimp, and grilled eggplant in a restaurant.

[I ate] medium-rare steak, grilled shrimp, and grilled eggplant in a restaurant. submitted by judy0111 to food [link] [comments]

2023.03.23 08:36 dodgyaf Lottery RECAP: MBMBaM 652: Travis's Fast Soup Cup for Boys

Hello hello.
Okay quick confession: I’ve never actually listened to a season of TAZ. I tried with the first few episodes of Balance, but by then I was already so burned out on MBMBaM (like, 2 or 3 eps a day for a few months) that it didn’t draw me in.
Anyway, I figured I’d have a look and see how long it’s been since the last time I listened to an episode of MBMBaM. According to Spotify, I stopped listening weekly halfway through Episode 529: Throw Me in the Dumpster Behind the Applebee’s When I Die, released on September 30 2020. From there, I’d occasionally listen to a minute or two before bailing and made it all the way through Episodes 553, 554, and 564 before giving up altogether the following week, in June 2021.
0:00 – MaxFunDrive ad read by Justin is basically “I’m not gonna waste my time or yours trying to explain why you should support MaxFun, just give us your money!” and honestly, I love laziness disguised as frankness.
0:44 – I feel like they would have quietly removed the “Travis insists he’s a ‘sexpert’” line a while back but they left it too late and now there’ve been enough weird Travis Moments that it’d make people assume something scandalous was about to surface if they changed it.
1:02 – My music tastes are a little eclectic but mostly pretty basic, with a big emphasis on upbeat alt and indie pop, so I should enjoy the Montaigne song, but nope! At least I never liked the old one much, so it’s not a downgrade.
[Obligatory semi-relevant anecdote: I took a solo trip to Melbourne a couple of weeks ago as a little birthday present to myself, both to visit some friends and to go see Carly Rae Jepsen in concert, since she wasn’t coming here to New Zealand on her tour. Probably the best concert I’ve ever been to!]
1:54 – Already tensed for the incoming Travis intro bit
2:10 – Okay it’s a “we have to raise enough money to save the podcast from being demolished by the local billionaire” joke. And he’s called Dr Guhart (sp?). Fine. I know that premise has been a touchstone of Western pop culture for decades, but I wonder how much longer it can last. Are younger Gen Z kids making jokes about having to win a ski race to save the rec centre? What’s the modern equivalent? Make a GoFundMe that’s immediately drowned out by all the cancer patients? Camp out in the replies of MrBeast’s tweets trying to convince him to monetise your plight?
[I]f we don’t raise a bunch of money, he’s gonna turn our podcast into a place where they grind up puppies into sausages.” Travis is really good at making his setups sound rehearsed and unnatural. I don’t need a great acting performance when someone’s doing an improv bit on a podcast, but please don’t make it sound like you cycled through every possible combination of evil act and innocent victim before landing on the one you thought sounded the most comically cruel.
2:58 – “If we raise enough money we can legally murder Dr Guhart.” Okay I like this one better.
4:00 – Not to be a killjoy or anything but Dr Phil is a) irrelevant and b) awful. I don’t need a 30-second bit about him with no punchline.
7:40 – Twee Travis comes to the table, in what I can only characterise as his 20% baby voice, with the classic “you don’t have to tweet it; you can just go back to the old-school tweets where you just whisper it to a bird and then you let the bird go and then the bird comes and finds us and whispers it to us.” I am 90% sure he’s said this exact joke (?) before and it’s never been cute or funny!!!
8:25 – Justin’s pre-question bird question feels like something they’ve already discussed several times already but I don’t know if I’m just wired to hear everything they say as derivative.
12:40 – Question 1: How do I show off my yo-yoing skills to my colleague, who introduced me to the hobby, now that he no longer yo-yos?
Seemed kinda promising at first with the stuff about Riverdance yo-yoing, but there were a couple of not-so-comical misunderstandings between the three of them. Justin makes a reference to 'nipple-height' as a shorthand for the exact thing they're all talking about and Griffin assumes he's being suggestive for no reason.
16:54 – Question 2: Can I sit in front of the CostCo TVs and just watch an entire movie? Is there anything wrong with treating CostCo as a low-cost movie theatre?
Being repetitive is the most unavoidable of the podcasting sins, but it’s wild to come back to MBMBaM and hear that the questions are still “I want to do a slightly weird thing in public. Am I good?” and Griffin’s immediate response is still “There’s nothing stopping you except the unspoken social bond of our shared humanity.”
24:30 – Ahhhhhhh Travis is trying to sell me on their bonus content. He starts with the $5 level and then passes over to Justin, who was not listening closely enough to know what had and had not already been covered. Never change!
27:27 – They make a joke about how the unedited naming ep stretch goal is worse than seeing how the sausage gets made but they don’t even call back to Travis’ stupid puppy sausage bit. Amateurs!
27:36 – At least they’re self-aware about the BYOP pizza party stretch goal being a bit shit. Not surprised to learn that it was Justin’s idea. Never change!!!
30:30 – “Brown recluse bite. Almost died. Didn’t. Can’t?” Okay this got a wry smile out of me. It’s been said time and time again on this sub, but Justin has a lot of comedic talent as soon as he bothers to put in a teensy bit of effort.
30:38 – Oh boy it’s time for my first ever Wizard of the Cloud segment.
31:10 – WikiHow to Run a Teddy School
This concept has no legs. Griffin’s angle is basically just “Isn’t this crazy??” and, I mean, yeah I guess so, but without a personal anecdote or question to latch on to there’s nothing here for me to find entertaining. From previous episode threads I feel like this is how it always goes, right? A deliberately ~wild~ WikiHow is chosen and then the brothers react to it like “damn, this is wild”.
35:42 – Travis has never seen Paddington or Paddington 2 and I hope he never does because he doesn’t deserve to.
38:55 – Justin and Travis both balk at the absurdity of expecting teddy bears to pass a toy to each other when they’re inanimate objects and Griffin rightfully points out that they’ve been talking about the concept of Teddy Bear School for several minutes now and this is an issue you probably have to make your peace with before engaging with the topic.
39:15 – They double down on this as if they don’t understand how children’s make-believe works. Yes, you’re going to have to physically move the bears yourself! The WikiHow writer is playing in the fictional space of Teddy Bear School. Are they seriously expecting the article to read “using your hands, manipulate the bears’ bodies and limbs to simulate the actions of walking, talking, eating, and playing”?
Griffin concedes the point because he wants this to be over. I don’t concede but I agree that we need to get out of this comedy black hole.
40:19 – Question 3: How can I eat soup powerfully during my lunch hour instead of looking like a peasant? (??????????????????)
Yeah baybeee! This is the MBMBaM content I crave! I love these cart-before-the-horse questions, where you can tell the listener started with the desire to submit a question – any question – and then scrambled to contrive a problem in their life that they could shape into this high-calorie, low-nutrition comedy slop.
It’s a food question, so it’s guaranteed to get a little bit of interest from Justin. The premise is vague enough that it’s easy for Travis to interject with something irrelevant and uninteresting in the name of being wacky. It’s a social dilemma that isn’t really a dilemma at all, so they can hopefully tie it up at the end by gently letting the listener know that they don’t have real problems.
Justin starts off in a strange direction by suggesting that the only way to eat soup powerfully is to eat it quickly, like a starving runaway taken in by a kindly stranger, which is so clearly incorrect it’s making my head spin. If we’re really gonna try and psychoanalyse the power dynamics of eating, I'd say that wolfing down your food signals a sense of desperation, or perhaps a fear that someone will come and take the food away. That’s peak Dickensian peasant! Eating food slowly suggests a) that you’re really enjoying it and b) that you have all the time in the world. You’re in no rush! Everything’s under control and you’re free to savour your delicious veggie soup. You didn’t just make it because it’s easy and it fits with your restrictive diet: veggie soup is your favourite.
42:25 – Travis has a bad idea about eating soup from a tumbler labelled with a soup-related title, e.g. 'Soup Doctor, PhD'. Griffin riffs on this with the mildly funny idea of having “Caught ya looking!” written on the bottom of a soup bowl for when you slurp up the last of it, but Travis ruins it by suggesting that you instead put a picture of you with another soup bowl and a different message on that bowl (he doesn’t provide an example of a funny message). It’s like they’re playing tennis but Travis has a little bit of poop on his racquet.
“Have someone else feed the soup to you” is a decent Travis answer which he then ruins with the pointless addition of a narrative where the listener saved that person’s life in the war.
46:19: Title drop! ‘Travis’s Fast Soup Cup For Boys’ would have made me laugh in 2019. Now it just blurs together with everything else.
47:20 – More MaxFun stuff. I’m kinda tempted by the MaxFun recipe book, for jerking purposes.
51:27 – Least surprising segue into Munch Squad ever. Apparently, this is the first in a while, so it better be a good one!
52:06 – Chipotle has added Chicken Al Pastor to menus worldwide. Cool. We don’t have Chipotle here in New Zealand, but its reputation precedes it.
I don’t share the brothers’ discomfort with using the word ‘protein’ as a catch-all for meats/beans/quinoa/etc. in a meal description. Travis acknowledges that it’s inclusive of non-meat options but says we can come up with something better. To be honest, I don’t even think that’s why I use the term. Even setting aside vegetarian options, I think saying “chicken is my favourite protein” sounds less weird than “chicken is my favourite meat”. Maybe it’s a regional thing?
It’s very funny how much of Munch Squad is just Justin being pedantic about phrasing and word choices in a press release he’s reading for free. Oh, they said “craveable” twice? They’re implying that their Chicken Al Pastor might differ from the traditional dish? What a scoop!
55:55 – Buffalo Wild Wings has a Bed & Breakfast. Okay I looked this up and the articles I found were from March 2020 (oof). We also don’t have Buffalo Wild Wings in New Zealand.
1:00:06 – Baskin-Robbins introducing chick’n and waffles ice-cream as the March flavour of the month. Obviously, it can’t have real chicken in it, so the whole concept is terrifying, but the jokes about it are only okay. I actually had to look this one up, but we’re three for three: we do not have Baskin-Robbins here in New Zealand.
I was going to make some comment about cultural osmosis and how it’s wild that I’ve passively absorbed so much information about all these brands without ever patronising them myself, but when it comes to American cultural exports it’s more like active transport (little joke for all you cell physiology nerds out there).
1:04:15: They started talking about ‘Daniel’ and it took me a while to remember from previous episode threads that Justin has been doing a zero-effort Daniel Day-Lewis impression as a running gag lately. Luckily I’ve got him on his week off.
1:08:00 – Did not realise that they started reading random quotes from unexpected sources as an outro. I guess it’s on-brand to finish with a joke where the punchline substitutes mild surprise in place of actual comedy.
That wasn’t an awful listening experience, but if I didn’t write all this stuff down I would not remember any of it. It didn't inspire me to go back to listening weekly, but it wasn't so bad that I'd never put myself up for a recap again.
EDIT: readability
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2023.03.23 06:52 lisayufi0196 Steak

Does anyone among you have the experience of fried steaks?Is it as good as fried pan?What is your recipe?
I have completed the New York Strip on my New York Strip, and they are great.I increase the steak to the temperature of the room, then brush on both sides with a little olive oil, and then season with salt and pepper.I started for about 8 minutes on 400O (turning half), and they came out a beautiful medium.I just have a thicker steak, so you may need to adjust the time and temporary workers, but I don't feel disappointed.
First of all, the temperature of the room should be the first step in each high -quality steak recipe.
It is how I do my Chuck Eye Steak in the fryer.8 minutes.It's so perfect every time.Let it take a rest so that the fruit juice is spreading, even for the Wal -Mart steak, it is great and tender.
I tried two cheap steaks twice.I believe in round eyes.For the first time, it performed well.The second performance was bad.
I suggest 400F x 10 minutes, depending on the thickness of the eye.
I made the ribs, it's really good
Return to Fredman
Am I from H?Give them a gently AVACADO oil spray to help the external crisp.Season with salt.385 (perhaps 400 for a period of time) last 10-12 minutes, flip and start using meat thermometers to monitor, and then pull at a distance of about 7 degrees.
Hit with more salt and some butter (if you are lucky to have H? Truly on the steak)
I watched a video on another Subreddit about steak, so I decided to try it.The best steak ever.It keeps the meat moist and burns it.
Will the link be good?
I finally found a good way to complete my steak.The air fryer is dry outside without cooking.Every time I use a stove top to try to get a charcoal, I will eventually encounter too much meat.I re -settings at 300
Maybe chicken fried, but as far as I personally, I won't do it (but you are willing! Don't use good steaks).
Perfect steak = SOUS VIDE and their cast iron baked.It is so easy to nail cleverness each time.
Fifty -eight
I have made a few times, and it is great.Use AF every day.
I like to do this because I think my control is better and more convenient than the grill or stove.
I season the steak (or usually a 16 ounce rib eye, about 1.5 inches thick), and then pull out from the refrigerator about 30 minutes before cooking.Then put them in the hot space of 390-400 degrees, about 12 minutes, and turn half.When they hit about 125 degrees, I pulled them away and let them rest.When we eat, they are usually a perfect medium rare.Make sure you use the thermometer to check the temperature, you will be very good.
I am now making steak in the fried pot.Mainly because of convenience, but they are not bad at all.I make a striptea dance in New York.
Put it to the temperature of the room, two sides of salt, and then rest for 30 minutes.Then I make black pepper, otherwise I will season according to my feelings.
Throw it into 10-13 and 400.Half half.Sometimes, I glaze it when the butter or garlic butter is flipped.Otherwise, I will apply fried garlic on it.
Sit down after 5 minutes.Good out, moist and medium rare.
I did it once, I like it, but I am not a huge steak.
I have air fried steaks.I have never been disappointed with them, nor like "Bruh, I hope I do this in a frying pan!" I like the rib eyes.
However, we were voted because this was a fact.You cannot get a good burnt from Friggin Air Fryer.I love my fried pot, but when people say they cook a rib eye, I will die in it!
400F 6 minutes.Then apply it in a hot pot and burnt each side for 1-2 minutes on each side, depending on the thickness
It cooked a beautiful cooking for me in the air fried pot.I just used Google to search for "Steak Air Fried Pot", and then went from there
Return to Fredman
The title illustrates everything.Yes.I am single, I laugh loudly with a cardboard and air frying pot.However, these hormone -pre -seasoned spine is always BOGO, which is two meals for me.Cook until the perfect medium!Along with mung beans, with butter, apple cider vinegar and crushed red pepper.Gentle!
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2023.03.23 06:25 ThrowRAsiblingrival AITA for not cooking the right dinner?

I (M30) and my bf (22) were hosting a dinner for our friends Saturday night. The morning of bf sent me to the store to get the ingredients while he prepped. I was to do all of the cooking because bf was taking him mom(she can’t drive) to see his grandmother so he wouldn’t be able to do much. The original menu was : Starters: antipasto bites Main: roast lamb with garlic mashed potatoes and Parmesan Brussels sprouts Dessert:lemon drizzle cake. Usually lamb is really easy to find in our local grocery stores. However, that day it seemed like every family in our city decided they were having lamb because there was none anywhere. I went to multiple stores and got nothing. So I had to improvise. I went to a specialty butcher in our city (still no lamb) and got some high quality steak. The main became grilled steak with a chimichurri sauce garlic mashed potatoes and Parmesan Brussel sprouts. I’m 98% done by the time our friends start showing up. Bf came back as I was platting everything. And I could tell he was confused. That confusion turned to anger when he realized there was no lamb. Dinner was great and everyone paid compliments to the chef. When they all left bf yelled that I ruined the dinner because I changed the menu last minute and didn’t call him to say anything. I might’ve messed up by not calling and letting him know what happened and that I was changing the menu. AITA?
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2023.03.23 06:23 JacksonCM pasta bake (is the oven ok?)

I have a recipe and ingredients from a Hello Fresh-style company (Link). I've already paid for this food so I'd like to use it if I can.
Important context: I think there's a grill in my apartment building but I'm not sure, and besides I wouldn't know how to use it. I'd have to go up to the top floor to check.
My recipe I have in the fridge, which I planned to cook today, is the Beef Bolognese Pasta Bake. This company delivers reliable, delicious recipes always, so I definitely trust that this recipe is well-made.
Very simply, the recipe calls for:
Do you guys think I can just use an oven to melt the cheese, or is a grill probably necessary?
submitted by JacksonCM to NoStupidQuestions [link] [comments]

2023.03.23 03:36 sirhappynuggets What other easy cooking methods are there besides, sautéing, baking and air frying?

I love cooking a lot and am pretty good for a 30 year old dad who has no training. But I want more. 90% of meals are cooked in a pan or baked. I want to explore cooking though. I’m too broke for sou vide(spelling) and I can’t buy a grill. Is there anything interesting I can try?
I guess my real problem is I look at recipes and then make my own variation of it. I have a good sense for spices and can generally guess what is going to be good, or even unique in a good way. I just want more….
My three best dishes are a shrimp sausage stovetop sauce based thing with vegetable broth and heavy cream, a baked whole chicken with veggies, and a homemade spaghetti sauce. I want to broaden my horizons without breaking the bank!
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2023.03.23 03:30 Sensitive_Ladder2235 Cooking for my mother

So im kind of really, really fucked. There's a huge wombo-combo of absolute hell that has been unleashed on my household, that being my mother has metastatic brain cancer and through going to the hospital to get it treated, both my mother and father have gotten the really popular and hot contagious disease that has been going around for the past few years.
What I'm asking is as a skilled home cook, what can I make and how can I elevate it to that michelin star level. I'm pretty much BBQ Jesus, but my dad's the only one that really enjoys a good steak. I have a propane grill, a traeger smoker, a Walmart special charcoal grill, a half-assed induction stovetop/oven combo made by Samsung, and a whole range of cookware. Anyone got any ideas?
Mom's favorites:
Shepards Pie
Pork Chops
Fried Rice (I don't know how to rice properly, many wasted attempts with different methodology)
Butter Chicken (and other less-spicy Indian foods)
Tomato soups
Heavy garlic flavored stuff
Salmon with lemon pepper
Pasta salad
Some of those are family recipes that are effectively sacred but any and all ideas are welcome as long as I have the equipment to make it.
Edit - I'm probably gone in a week or 2 as well so fuck me right?
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2023.03.23 02:45 Tyrannous_74 IS THIS WHAT YOU WANNA EAT!

IS THIS WHAT YOU WANNA EAT! submitted by Tyrannous_74 to namesoundalikes [link] [comments]

2023.03.23 00:23 IamHammerhead I started chewing my fingernails and couldn’t stop.

My obsession began with a humble hangnail on my pinkie finger, a digit whose function, you must agree, is entirely ornamental. The hangnail pulled loops from my sweater and threatened to make worthless my silk shirts. This superfluous shard of my personage would never amount to anything so, I bit it off. I held the keratin splinter between my teeth and touched it with the tip of my tongue. Already it felt dulled, less angry. One swallow—a spark trapped in a bottle—and I was hooked. I dare say the advertisement I put in the Gazette the very next day was more of a provocation than anything else: Cannibal wanted. No creeps.
In all my 42 years, I never was a nail-biter—I simply didn’t have the anxiety for it—but now, I was eager to celebrate the rare perfection when, after delicate nibbling, a full crescent of fingernail pulled away from my cuticle leaving a pleasantly feathered edge. Patience never was my strong suit and fingernails can take a whole month between harvests. I was fortunate, though, in that I have always been blessed with uncommon flexibility and therefore found some comfort in nibbling my toe-nails like a baby newly born.
Despite my limberness, the contortions necessary and the manner in which I had been leaning to reach the littlest piggy, caused the finger on my left hand to go completely numb. The feeling brought to mind an old friend from school who lost this very same finger to a hungry garbage disposal system. If prompted, he would insert carrots into his gloved hand and, in full view of the substitute teacher, make a big show of cutting them off. It never failed to rouse the class to laughter. I made sure to fess up to having been the one who had goaded the poor lad so he didn’t take the burden of the punishment alone. He always claimed that his missing fingers inconvenienced him not in the slightest, but he was particularly terrible at ten-pin bowling. We never liked bowling, anyway.
He was a good person, that boy. But, more often than not, people disgust me. You put one small advertisement in the Gazette and it really is amazing how many supposed cannibals want to pleasure themselves while watching someone consume their parts. Perverts! It never was a sexual thing for me. Pure cannibals are hard to find, or maybe they just never read the Gazette. Either way I couldn’t wait so long for a dining companion. Cutting off my finger was an easy decision—as natural and inevitable as cell division. Had I been a starfish my fingers would have grown a whole new me from scratch. What a lark!
It’s usually the pain that stops ordinary people from achieving anything notable in life. Anything worthy of the Gazette. But pain of the person fades in time. Pain of the mind persists. For example: I don’t recall the pain of crashing my motorcycle into a willow when I was young and foolish, but I recall, with absolute clarity, my sweetheart leaving me while I was still in traction. She said she didn’t want to go to the prom with a cripple. My legs healed in time but my heart was eternally broken. That’s real pain right there. If the most painful thing you ever feel in life is a silly little finger being lopped off then you haven’t really lived.
Decision. Precision. Incision. All in quick succession. That’s how you do it.
I tied a rubber band around my pinkie until it was numb and laid it on the bread board then popped it off with a chef’s knife. It came away more easily and with much less sensation than I expected. I inserted the severed digit in my mouth—wider, wider, a little wider—like a dentist might. My real-life dentist was always too insistent, too certain of his ability to enter me. I bit his finger once (okay, maybe more than just once). I caught him off guard—or as off guard as you can when dealing with a man whose entire professional life is spent with his hands in the mouths of beasts. He must surely have seen it coming. Nevertheless, he referred me to another dentist.
I clamped down hard on my severed finger and ran my tongue over the satisfyingly deep dent left in the flesh by my molars. It had the texture of pig knuckles. Not that I recall that particular dish with much clarity. I’ve been a vegetarian for thirty years. No harm, no fowl—no fish or steak. Eating my own flesh doesn’t hurt anyone. It just makes me a cannibal-vegetarian which is more ethical than most people.
Take my sister for example: she loves her stupid fox terrier like a child but she still eats meat which makes her both cruel and a terrible hypocrite. Nevertheless, she still insists we get together for Christmas.
”What the hell is the difference between eating dogs and cows?” I asked her, on the phone. And when I said “dogs” I meant humans.
“Cow’s don’t have personalities,” was her reply, which is entirely not true.
“Would you prefer I cook you an animal you hated?” I asked.
”Yes,” she agreed, and I knew immediately that she regretted her offer of driving all the way to visit me in New Orleans for Christmas dinner.
“What animal do you hate the most?” I asked. “I’m serious.”
I already knew what she was thinking. I just wanted to hear her say it. She had never hated anyone more than her ex-husband or possibly me. Either way, the animal she hated most was most definitely human but she said, “Pigs, I guess,” and by “pigs” she meant me.
“Good. That settles it. I’ll cook pork with cherry glaze,” I lied.
Now, obviously, a few stray knuckles can’t possibly form the centerpiece of Christmas dinner and, anyway, me-knuckle-and-pea soup had already demonstrated itself as more suitable for an appetizer. Still, I kicked myself for eating my four fingers first because it made it extremely difficult to amputate my leg at the knee. The lower leg: now there is a versatile cut of meat. You can cut along the length of the calf muscle for a juicy loin or cut across the bones for chops if you have a bandsaw, which I didn’t, of course, on account of living in a residential area with strict zoning laws. But that doesn’t prevent you from smoking a loin or make excellent sausages. I had a devil of a time removing my lower leg and none of the perverts who responded to my advertisement in the Gazette had the prerequisite nursing skills to assist with the amputation. I administered the local anesthetic myself and it worked fine enough but the knee joint was tough and rather complicated to cut through and, in spite of my keen interest in anatomy, I was certainly no doctor. Still, I had committed to hosting Christmas lunch and I was determined to harvest a tasty loin. My sister and may have had our differences but, she is my sister after all and you have to make an effort.
When she arrived, she insisted on bringing with her a special friend named George. Poor George had tried to enliven his wallflower personality with a festive reindeer sweater. I liked him immediately and not just because he worked in Germany as a surgeon, no less. My sister gasped at the sight of my missing fingers and still fresh amputation below the knee. But I told her not to worry about me. I pretended that my old motorcycle accident had effected my circulatory system. I then garnished the white lie with a case of diabetes I never had. It was Christmas, after all. Everyone loves a tall tale. I followed that up with a loin of leg in a cherry glaze.
“I’m so glad you’re no longer a vegetarian,” she said, while attempting not to pity me. “You need to keep your strength up in your condition.”
“I’m still vegetarian,” I said, as I poured extra cherry glaze on her plate. “Just don’t tell anyone.”
My sister thought the pork/I was a little tough and didn’t mind saying so, but George wanted the recipe before he returned to Cologne. He had never read the Gazette but, when he followed me to the library in search of a recipe book, he insisted on examining my wound in a way that suggested that he might have answered the advertisement himself, had he been a subscriber. He could tell right away there was no hospital involved in the amputation and he said that his grandfather had reared pigs for Schinken ham in the most beautiful little corner of the Black Forest so he knew a thing or two about pork. He wheeled me back to the dining table and helped himself to a third helping of “pork” before we opened presents. My sister said it was a pleasant lunch and George even did the washing up on account of my missing fingers.
They both left in good spirits.
When I say “left” I mean George returned the very next day for leftovers. He brought his suitcase and medical kit and examined my limbs with the upmost professionalism.
“I think it might need to come off,” I suggested, as he scrutinized my legs and arms. He agreed every time.
“Yes it will. And that too. It will all need to be removed, eventually,” he said. I made sure to leave a copy of the Gazette on the counter so there could be no confusion on the subject.
Judging by how frequently my sister called his cell phone, I think she was in love with poor George. She rang at the most inappropriate hour because she thought he was back in Cologne which he wasn’t. He was usually asleep on the sofa with a belly full of flesh on account of us having turned the second bedroom into an operating room. Eventually George said it would be suspicious if he didn’t answer so we played Kraftwerk and Marlene Dietrich in the background (though not at the same time) to make it sound like he might have been in Cologne. I thought we did a good job of keeping up our little charade, but I only had those two albums and, anyway, I still think it was my sister who eventually called the police.
After we harvested another “ham’ it was clear that both George’s surgical and culinary skills were far superior to mine. His grandparents must have been true artisans when it came to pork. Throughout the spring, I watched my biceps grow meaty from maneuvering the new wheel chair. I suspect George’s grandfather must have shared the same excitement at watching his sows grow plump and delicious as the slaughter season approached. From the comfort of my Creole townhouse in The Marigny, my body had become my very own Black Forest. We lived in a land of plenty. George, being German and in possession of a rapier wit, named my right arm Hansel and my left Gretel which, of course, made me the wicked witch.
You might think me worse than wicked—a barbarian perhaps—but I caused no more harm to the world beyond my walls than the old lady who swallowed a fly.
George wouldn’t harm a fly either, which is exactly what I told the police when they visited. They saw my diminished state and expressed concern about his capacity to care for me. I pointed out that he was a qualified doctor, a surgeon no less, but it was clear they thought he had nefarious intent. The larger of the policemen sat in my most comfortable chair, a recliner, and explained that George had, allegedly, cared for four other men in Cologne who had all undergone unnecessary amputations before their demise. I thanked the officers for their concern and promised to report any unusual behavior but I was shaking inside. My stomach felt hollow and I was in a constant sweat. I had been betrayed: the fact that George had already consumed someone else before our meeting was certainly news to me.
When he returned with the groceries (vegetables and herbs mainly, for we had all the meat we needed) I beat him with my stumps until the sutures ruptured. I cried and told him I would go no further. He apologized and soothed me by showing me what ordinary people who have never spanked their Frankfurt in public refer to as food-porn. It was this he wanted me to become. He assured me that I was the sweetest of all the men he had had the pleasure of eating. This was, I suspect, a direct result of my cannibal-vegetarian diet. You are what you eat, after all. People eat bad things, generally speaking, and I’m not just referring to junk food. Some make a whole performance of eating cars and trucks and bicycles and all manner of things that simply can’t be eaten for that stupid Guinness book of records. People eat rocks, drywall, cars, soiled diapers, live bees, batteries and light bulbs and bedsprings just because they feel like it. I guess humans are like worms through which the entire world must pass. Me? I am a loop in time: leftovers consuming leftovers.
And in the end, who needs to leave behind something so ungainly as a body?
You would be surprised at how many parts of your body you can do without too. I’m a stickler for research—ask anyone. George said that in WWII surgeons performed the first half-ectomy on fighter pilots crushed beneath their instrumentation. Surgeons sliced them in half like a magic act—tadaa! The patients survived and would have survived longer had they not been inclined to bouts of depression and taken their own lives. I guess they couldn’t see the magic in it. But I could.
I must say, if ever there is such a thing as magic in the world then it comes in the form of phantom limb syndrome. After George performed my half-ectomy, I had no hips from which to leap, no shoulder joints from which to hurl a ball and yet I have never felt more active. My phantom limbs ran for miles along Elysen Fields Avenue and north, through the Rocky Mountains, all the way to Alaska. My arms swam down the Mississippi and out to sea and through the hurricanes and didn’t stop until they reached South America and the upper reaches of the Brazilian Rainforest. My phantom limbs were proficient in all manner of sports I never asked them to engage in. But when I looked down there was just air where the pumping limbs might have been. What was the point in all that exercise if my eyes called my body a liar? I had no choice but to ask George to remove them. When I say “them” I mean my eyes. We ate one each, lightly seared in a pan with onions and lemon. The imagination is far more active without sight. My hearing became more acute, my olfactory senses keener. I highly recommend it.
I could tell the police had returned by the weary way they walked, weighed down by radios and guns and the foolishness of their investigation. Unfortunately, this time George was home. I tried to explain away my diminished size and pointed out that my eyes had turned septic (and by “septic” I mean delicious) but they took George away for questioning anyway. He was away a long time.
I am not the nervous sort, but I did indeed start to panic. I called George’s name but the only reply was the gulls keening outside my window. I fell asleep and woke up and was not sure how many hours had passed but there were no more gulls so it was surely night. My ileostomy bag had over-flowed and my flesh was contaminated with the foulest smell. What if George didn’t return? Who would be my dinner companion? I couldn’t eat all this food by myself. When eventually the front door creaked opened and George called my name, his voice was shaking. The police had held him for two days and nights under the pretense of asking questions. As he carried me to the bathroom to clean me up, he was not moving well. He laid me in the tub and I could smell the nervous sweat that had dried on his shirt. He favored his left arm and there was a catch in his breath that told me his ribs were badly bruised.
“Did they beat you?” I asked.
“Sticks and stones,” he said, but I knew he envied me. You can’t beat a man who isn’t there.
He wiped away the crusted seepage that had spilled from my ileostomy bag and floated me in the fresh water. Had George not been a cannibal he could have found a job drawing baths in the nicest hotel in New Orleans. It’s not as easy as turning the water on, you know. You need to get the humidity of the room just right and the temperature of the water within a precise range. When you do, your body feels weightless and your breath invisible. I heard George open a glass bottle and listened as a few drops of lavender bath oil perfumed the room. It was sublime but there was certainly nothing sexual about the moment. How could there be? My sex had been removed in the half-ectomy along with everything below the navel. Yes, it’s true that George and I had both eaten my penis and testicles but it was far from a meal with erotic overtones. In fact, George had made Zürcher Geschnetzeltes which is a Swiss German dish usually made with veal. Cooked to perfection, he served it with a mushroom and white-wine sauce so aromatic that it made me wish I had testicles growing all over my body like mushrooms from which to harvest. When George eventually lifted me from my bath, he gently laid me on a towel and rubbed lotion into my scar tissue.
“How much is left?” I asked.
The scales scraped on the tile floor and George folded a towel in quarters for padding. Even after we ate my eyes, George always balanced me upright on my spine so, in my mind’s eye, I could look down and see my weight.
“Fourty-eight pounds,” he said. “I could check you as luggage.”
He cleaned my teeth with a new brand of toothpaste that tasted like red Tic-Tacs and took me to bed. He no longer slept on the sofa. At two-foot tall, I was smaller than the overpriced teddy bear I used to sleep with as a kid. I could tell he was tired on account of being interrogated by the police without sleep for two days but he wanted to talk about something. Finally he said: “What should I make for my first meal alone?”
I had not kept track of our meals but, from the way we had feasted and the sound of the single bag of flesh clanking around in the chest-freezer, I knew our supply was getting low. Without ever having to leave New Orleans, we had taken a culinary tour of all of Bavaria and the Rhineland. We had eaten bratwurst and liverwurst with senf; königsberger klopse meatballs; sauerbraten pot roast; schweinshaxe and speck; and baked the leftovers into a leberkäse-style meatloaf. The neighbors must have thought we were opening a restaurant. Ultimately, though, there was one meal I couldn’t share with George: the meal that would finish me . He could eat my beef-heart stew or spread my brains on toast with parsley and lemon but it was Christmas again. The festive season.
“I don’t want you to eat alone,” I told George. “Take my sister to midnight mass then treat her to a good old-fashioned Réveillon feast.”
It’s a Creole tradition in these parts, to feast until dawn. I wanted to swim in a bouillabaisse with the freshest sea scallops or be pureed with leeks and truffle cream. I imagined the searing heat of applewood smoked bacon against my lightly grilled cheek. I wanted George to swallow the last of me and know me more completely than I ever could.
He called my sister and extended the invite. She seemed distant and nervous which I thought was on account of her still being in love with George, herself. In hindsight there was clearly someone listening.
On Christmas day the house was filled with the aroma of sauce and spice and I was confident that this would be a feast like no other. Then my ears picked out the familiar lumbering step on my porch and I knew something was wrong. The door burst off its hinges and somewhere among the men’s voices I could hear my hysterical sister. She was weeping and swearing and it was clear she was not going to stay for dinner. The police handcuffed George and he cried out in pain.
“Don’t hurt him!” I yelled, but no one cared to listen.
A pair of hands transported me to a dog carrier which smelled of piss from frightened animals. The very idea that I might try to escape was completely absurd. I screamed and shouted and called them all manner of names that I am embarrassed to repeat. Someone turned off the stove and took the chest-freezer into evidence. Our Christmas was ruined.
No one listened to me at George’s trial. All they wanted to know was whether I was of sound mind. It was clear to everyone that I was. I even had my lawyer show them the letter I wrote last Christmas when I had hands and was not yet the distillation of my former self. But they didn’t care. They found him guilty and put George on death row where he will never eat anything as delicious as me again.
I hope beyond hope that when he is served his last meal, that they come for me in my hospital bed and cut out my tongue and give half to him and half to me. No sauce, no salt, no pepper or spice. Just raw and bloody. A final kiss under the cannibal’s mistletoe.
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