I'm somebody that doesn't have a lot of guidance in life, and a lot of existential dread has been getting to me.
Part of me would want to become a Christian, and I do think there's a lot of reasonable "rules" and perspectives that come from the Bible. For example, the seven deadly sins make a ton of sense- I am a prideful, gluttonous, and slothful person and it definitely hurts my mental state and self esteem. And maybe I'm wrong, but Jesus seemed borderline socialist at times.
On the other hand, I've had a bad experience with Christians. My father is a pretty awful person, and I promise it isn't as simple as having daddy issues, the man belongs in jail. Yet he was able to gather a lot of attention at churches, hiding his evil behind a veil of "I love Jesus." Some of the other people he associated with were pretty awful too. One of his "friends" was an obnoxious, misogynistic slum lord.
Then in history there were the Christians that used the bible to justify slavery, hatred, and I swear every week there's some story about a pastor that hurts children.
As 🤓 as it is, I see people as animals influenced by a ton of factors. Bullying, ostracization, racism, etc, seem like evolution's way of establishing a pecking order. And I feel like Christianity is inherently man made and is influenced by these animalistic values.
I ask about these things not to be like "checkmate theists i have a reddit doctorate in being a cynical twat," but because part of me wants to feel some kind of light since I'm in a dark time. I'm just hesitant to associate with an institution that has a lot of problems, and some of the things Christians have done/are doing scares the crap out of me.

Spring has sprung and there is yard work to do, so my postings may not be as frequent as they have been.
At the conclusion of Daniel 8 we saw that the angel Gabriel was commanded to make Daniel understand the vision. And he proceeded to do just that but was unable to finish that commission at that time. The one point that was not explained to Daniel was the time period of 2300 days at the conclusion of which the sanctuary was to be cleansed.
As it stood at the end of Daniel 8, we had these 2300 days were just floating about in time with no specific beginning or ending date. Being in the midst of highly symbolic prophecy we know we are dealing with symbolic, not literal days, hence the year for a day principle comes into play here. But what is meant by the cleansing of the sanctuary? True, there was a ritual associated with the ancient Hebrew Sanctuary that was considered to be its cleansing, but no matter what starting date is chosen for the beginning of the 2300 days, the termination of that time period reaches deep into the Christian era long past the time of the temple’s destruction by the Romans, to a period when no earthly sanctuary existed. So, what was the sanctuary to be cleansed, and cleansed of what?
This is where our study of Daniel 9 comes into play. Daniel prayed and God answered. Even as Daniel was still in prayer Gabriel appears. “Understand the matter,” he says to Daniel. “Consider the vision.” What matter? What vision? Evidently the portion of the vision in chapter 8 that Daniel said he did not understand.
With this greeting, Gabriel immediately, without any further introduction, launches into the explanation.
A prophetic period of 70 week were measured off or set aside for the Jews. The word here translated “determined” has the meaning of being measured off from a larger whole. And the obvious larger whole from which the 70 weeks are being measured off from is the 2300 days of Daniel 8. Thus the 70 weeks of Daniel 9 provides the starting point from which to measure off the 2300 prophetic days of Daniel 8:14.
Calculating from the autumn of 457 BC which is the starting point of the 70 weeks,we find that 2300 prophetic days (or years) brings us to the autumn of 1844. Remember in doing these calculations that there is no zero year.
But why 1844? What happened then? The text says that at the end of the 2300 days the Sanctuary shall be cleansed. What Sanctuary? And where? And cleansed of what?
This is the part of the prophecy that tripped up many interpreters of this prophecy. Something did happen, but not what they were expecting. There being no Jewish temple to be cleansed the common assumption was that the sanctuary to be cleansed was the earth, and consequently its cleansing would be the result of the second coming of Jesus. People all over the world as a result of their study of this prophecy, independently of each other, were coming to the same conclusion that sometime within a few years of 1844 Jesus would come again.
For example:
In South America, Lacunza, a Spaniard and a Jesuit, found his way to the Scriptures and thus received the truth of Christ's speedy return. Impelled to give the warning, yet desiring to escape the censures of Rome, he published his views under the assumed name of "Rabbi Ben-Ezra," representing himself as a converted Jew. Lacunza lived in the 1700’s, but it was about 1825 that his book, having found its way to London, was translated into the English language. Its publication served to deepen the interest already awakening in England in the subject of the second advent.
Dr. Joseph Wolff began to proclaim the Lord's soon coming. Wolff was born in Germany, of Hebrew parentage, his father being a Jewish rabbi.
Wolff believed the coming of the Lord to be at hand, his interpretation of the prophetic periods placing the great consummation within a very few years of 1844.
According to Joseph Wolf, “The Arabs of Yemen, were in possession of a book called Seera, which gives notice of the second coming of Christ and His reign in glory; and they expect great events to take place in the year 1840."--Journal of the Rev. Joseph Wolff, page 377. "In Yemen … I spent six days with the children of Rechab. They drink no wine, plant no vineyard, sow no seed, and live in tents, and remember good old Jonadab, the son of Rechab; and I found in their company children of Israel, of the tribe of Dan, . . . who expect, with the children of Rechab, the speedy arrival of the Messiah in the clouds of heaven."
In his travels in Bokhara he found the doctrine of the Lord's soon coming held by a remote and isolated people.
A similar belief was found by another missionary to exist in Tatary. A Tatar priest put the question to the missionary as to when Christ would come the second time. When the missionary answered that he knew nothing about it, the priest seemed greatly surprised at such ignorance in one who professed to be a Bible teacher, and stated his own belief, founded on prophecy, that Christ would come about 1844.
In Germany the doctrine had been taught in the eighteenth century by Bengel, a minister in the Lutheran Church and a celebrated Biblical scholar and critic.
Bengel's writings have been spread throughout Christendom. His views of prophecy were quite generally received in his own state of Wurttemberg, and to some extent in other parts of Germany. The movement continued after his death, and the advent message was heard in Germany at the same time that it was attracting attention in other lands. At an early date some of the believers went to Russia and there formed colonies, and the faith of Christ's soon coming was held by the German churches of that country.
The light shone also in France and Switzerland. At Geneva where Farel and Calvin had spread the truth of the Reformation, Gaussen preached the message of the second advent.
In Scandinavia also the advent message was proclaimed, and a widespread interest was kindled.
Likewise in America William Miller and may other preachers from all denominations preached the second coming of Christ at or near 1844 based on this prophecy.
So, where did they go wrong? They went wrong in accepting a common, nearly universal assumption as to what the sanctuary and its cleansing was instead of allowing to Bible to interpret itself.
And so, in the next post we will take a close look at what the Bible itself says about the sanctuary and its cleansing.
The earthly Sanctuary and its services serve as a very accurate and reliable illustration of the heavenly Sanctuary and its services. By the understanding of the earthly in the light of the life and death and resurrection of Jesus, we can understand the ministry of Jesus (our great heavenly High Priest) in the true Sanctuary in heaven.
By EjmMissouri
To be Continued.

Young women are great and all, but I want to get to know someone Gen X or older. Someone closer to my age that gets Classic Rock and is glad we don’t have video evidence from teen years. Someone outdoorsy, but Mom or Grandma bod. Someone active that hasn’t just let herself go. I am not looking to rescue anyone. I am pretty darned happy and you should be as well. I am 6’1” and 235 pounds. Hair is brown but going gray in a hurry. I am pretty self sufficient and lead a simple but fun life. Want to come along?

“I know you’re awake…Katherine…Kaaaaatheriiiine…”
“Shut up.” I had been awake for a little while, just staring at the wall.
“I knew it.”
“Can you not sleep?” I rolled over and looked at him as I asked the question.
James was in his rocking chair in the corner of our bedroom right next to the window. The moon outside was illuminating his face.
“I’m ok. Just a lot on my mind.”
“Like what?” I did my best to sit up. I was almost at my due date and I was enormous. During the pregnancy I wasn’t quite as sensitive to his little issues that I normally was.
James suffered from severe bouts of anxiety and he would spend lots of nights just rocking in his chair, trying not to worry about things.
“I think we should get a dog.”
“What?”
“We should get a dog. Every kid should grow up with a dog.” He turned his head to look at me. Most of his face was in shadow, but his eyes were bright. He smiled at me.
“Ok. Is that it? That’s what’s keeping you up?”
“Yes. Oh, and I also love you.”
“I love you too.”
“And I farted.” I had never known James to end anything on any kind of sappy note, so he always had to say or do something childish to ruin the moment.
I loved him so much.
-
“He’s kind of gross.” There were so many dogs at the shelter, but my husband immediately went to the mangiest one. A large mutt with his tongue hanging limply out of the side of his mouth. The mousey brown fur looked like someone had teased it with a brush and sealed the deal with an entire can of hairspray, and he had a slight limp as it walked toward this strange new man making baby talk. I watched the dog cock its head from side to side like it understood what James was saying.
“He’s perfect.” I could tell that James was in love.
“Why him?”
“Well…every other little guy in here is so animated and vibrant. He’s…um…not.”
“He looks like an oversized mouse with bad hair.”
“That’s perfect!”
“What?”
“We can name him Feivel! Does Feivel like that name?! Who’s a bugaboo doggie?! Who’s da doggie?!” The dog started making inquisitive whines and that lazy tongue came to life and began to lick the strange man's fingers through the chain link fence.
Feivel came home with us, and for a month that dog never left my husband’s side.
-
“What happened?”
“Can you put me on speaker so Art can hear me?”
“Ok. You’re scaring me Katherine.” I was trying to hold it together. James’ parents had recently moved to the east coast, so I had no choice but to call them on the phone with the news. “Ok, you’re on speaker.”
“Ok. James… um… James had an accident. It was a hit and run. Someone hit him with a car while he was crossing the street and then just kept driving.”
“Oh my God! Is he alright?”
“He’s um…” I had been with James since our sophomore year in high school, but we had been friends since we were six. I had known his parents for almost just as long.
“He’s…he’s gone.”
“Oh my God…”
I had to make lots of phone calls that day. It was the hardest day of my life.
-
“Mommy needs to talk to you.”
Feivel had been pacing the house for three days. When he wasn’t pacing, he would just sit at the front door waiting for James to come home. He wouldn't sit with me, almost like he blamed me for James not being there.
“Come here. Feivel! Come here.” He finally gave in and walked over to the couch. I patted the cushion next to me and he jumped on the couch and sat down.
He grunted at me several times and when he was done voicing his frustrations, his tongue jutted out of the side of his mouth and just hung there.
I don’t know if it sounds stupid or not, but I had a conversation with him about what had happened to his Daddy and why he wasn’t with us anymore. I felt like it would have been cruel not to.
He stared at me through the whole story and when I was finished, there was a heavy silence between us that was eventually broken by a small cry from him before he put his head in my lap.
-
Three weeks later, I had Casey. The birth was rough and there were multiple issues. For a little bit there, I was afraid that I might lose her too. She had to stay in the hospital longer than I would have liked, but when I was finally able to bring her home, Feivel took to her instantly.
He was always next to her.
-
As the years went by, I made sure Casey knew every detail about her father. I would tell her stories and Feivel would always add something in his own language. I don’t know if he was backing up what I said or perhaps contradicting it, but I do know he was always happy to be included in the reminiscing.
Shortly after she turned four, Casey’s favorite pastime was drawing with her crayons. I had quite a few pictures up on our fridge of our little family in the midst of imagined adventures. She always drew James in with us. The way she always emphasized his balding head would make me smile.
I would BBQ on Friday nights because James had always done the same.
When we first moved in, he had built a huge grilling station out of brick and bought this ridiculously large grill that could almost fit an entire cow inside of it. James had said we would need it for the amount of children and grandchildren that we were going to have. We would sit in front of it every Friday night with a bottle of whiskey while he cooked.
Casey and I would sit at the same table and have juice while we made hot dogs. I thought it was important to keep some of our traditions alive for Casey.
In spite of losing James, we were happy. I started to adjust to a life without a partner, which was not a very easy thing to do since we had been a part of each other’s lives since we were both six years old.
-
Almost five years after I lost James, I met Stephen. I was a busy woman with a young daughter and up to that point, I had not even thought about dating. There was something different about Stephen though. I was interested in him from the first time we met.
Casey and I were playing in the park with Feivel one day and somehow we lost him. He just vanished. I looked for him for hours while my mom watched Casey, but I couldn’t find him. For three days I was beside myself and Casey was constantly in tears. Then, Stephen showed up on my doorstep holding our Feivel at the end of a leash.
A tall man with thick hair and trendy glasses wearing a flannel and jeans.
“Oh my God!”
“Hi. I uh…found him in the park down by the river.” I snatched him up and he started whimpering and shaking his butt back and forth. I completely ignored the man at my door. When Feivel had had enough of my pets, he ran inside to look for Casey.
“Thank you so much. Oh my God, you have no idea how much we missed him.” I was wiping tears from my eyes.
“Oh, I might have a clue.”
“Thank you.”
“No problem.”
As I was wiping my nose on the sleeve of my sweatshirt, I realized that the man standing at my door was gorgeous.
“Can I…let me give you some money or something. You have no idea how happy you just made my daughter.”
“No, that's ok. Just happy to help.”
“Thank you.”
There was something about the way he looked at me with his eyes. My stomach fluttered. I wanted to invite him in, and the fact that I wanted to do that upset me.
I thanked him. I didn’t even ask him for his name. I’ll admit that I even closed the door on him a little more abruptly than I meant to.
All three of us shared my bed that night. It was the best night’s sleep I’d had in years.
-
A couple weeks went by and then I saw him again, the man who had found Feivel. He was sitting in the park with his back against a tree, reading a book. Casey and I had been taking turns throwing a frisbee for Feivel, and I saw him out of the corner of my eye. I decided that I would thank him again and apologize for being so awkward.
As I walked closer, I took in every detail. I was sure he was a few years younger than I was and he looked very athletic. His glasses rested on the tip of his nose as he read from The Winter of Our Discontent; Steinbeck has always been my favorite author.
Feivel must have seen him just as I was about to say something because he reached the man before I did. I could hear Casey calling for me.
“Hold on honey. Give me a second.”
Feivel was all over the man and he was laughing at the writhing whining beast who was trying its best to lick every inch of his face.
“Feivel, don’t be rude.”
“No, it's fine. I’m glad he remembers me.”
“Yeah. Wow, he really remembers you.” Feivel was so excited that he started to whimper and expose his tummy. “Feivel! Have some self respect!”
The man stood up next to me. My stomach was fluttering again and I could not stop looking at his eyes.
“Hey, I have to apologize about…uh the way I kinda shut my door in your face.” He laughed.
“You don’t have to apologize.”
“Mommy?” Casey had run up behind me and was partially hiding herself behind my leg while she stared at the man. “Mommy?”
“This is my daughter Casey.”
“Hello Casey.”
“Hello.”
“My name’s Stephen.” Casey stayed behind my leg.
“It’s ok honey. Tell him your name.”
“I’m Casey and this is my mom. Her name is Katherine.”
“Well…you’re a very pretty girl and it’s very nice to meet you.” I noticed that his eyes started to tear up while he was looking at my Casey. He wiped his eyes and shook his head. He was clearly embarrassed. “I’m sorry. She just… reminds me of my niece. We lost her a few years ago.”
We talked for a while that day. Every time he looked over at Casey, I swore that he was on the verge of tears.
-
It didn’t take very long at all; I was hooked. Feivel was hooked. Eventually, even Casey was hooked.
I tried to take it slow. I didn’t want to date anyone. I wasn’t over James and I knew it, but I just wanted to be around this man and I honestly could not explain what it was at the time. I always wanted him at the house, so he was there all the time. I loved it when he looked at me.
For the most part, he was great, but there were some things that were off. There were things I should have paid more attention to, but again, there was something about him that made me feel like I needed him.
He would kiss me with his eyes open every time, and even though the way he kissed me was great, something about it still gave me the creeps. I would crack my eyes open sometimes in the hopes that he had stopped doing it. Every time I saw those eyes staring back at me, I felt uneasy. I had only ever been with James, so I thought maybe some guys just did that, even though all of my friends thought it was weird too.
He also did things when he would come over that would raise the hairs on the back of my neck. Maybe that description is a little too harsh for what I was thinking at the time, but it fits now.
He would move things around the house. The toilet paper would be folded in that terrible triangle every time. James used to do that. He would also randomly adjust my coffee cups in the cabinet so the handles all faced the same way. Again, something my James used to do.
I had no idea what he did for a living, he told me he was in construction, but I had no idea who he worked for. He had never invited me over to his house, nor did he ever talk about his family.
My friends told me that I needed to relax and just enjoy myself. I admit, for the most part he seemed like the almost perfect guy. It was almost like he knew everything about me.
-
It was three months before he stayed overnight. I had Casey stay over at my mother’s house because it didn’t feel right to have her there.
We tried to be intimate, but I felt dirty. He said it was fine. He stayed anyway.
In the middle of the night I rolled over and cracked my eyes open. He was in the rocking chair in the corner. The moon was illuminating his eyes while he looked out the window. I thought I was dreaming for a minute.
“I know you’re awake…Katherine…Katherine?”
I didn’t say anything. I pretended to sleep. He turned his face to me and smiled. His eyes were so wide and bright.
“Katherine?”
I never went back to sleep that night. I just laid there for a while going back and forth from feeling like I was betraying my husband to feeling like I was an idiot who should just enjoy having a relationship with someone.
Around four in the morning, I had finally begun to drift off to sleep, but Stephen started making noises.
I rolled over and realized that his eyes were wide open. I was going to say something, but he was asleep. I waved my hand in front of his face to make sure.
He began to grunt and his body would shake every now and then. He was having a bad dream and his open eyes began darting back and forth.
“Get out of my head…” He whispered it twice. “Fuck you…out of my head…Mine now…”
It was too much to take. I quietly slid off of the bed and backed my way out of the room. Just as I made it to my door, his eyes moved and focused on me. He was still asleep, but it was like his eyes were watching me just the same.
I walked downstairs. He continued to talk in his sleep for over an hour. I was pretty sure right then that I had to break it off, or at least really slow down. I just didn’t feel right. And to be honest, I was a little creeped out.
-
I was drinking my coffee in the kitchen and thinking about what I was going to say when something caught my eye. Casey’s pictures of our family on the fridge looked different.I got up and took a closer look. James had been changed in every picture. He didn’t have short hair anymore, it was full and he was also wearing glasses. My heart skipped a beat and I felt a terrible lump in my throat. I wondered what this man had said to my daughter to convince her to remove her father from the pictures. I was done.
A few minutes later, he came downstairs in a rush. He was wearing a black Flogging Molly t-shirt. James’ favorite shirt.
“What are you doing?”
“Good morning! I forgot to turn on the alarm! I’m going to be late for work!”
“Stephen, why are you wearing that shirt?”
“I found it in your closet.”
“But why are you wearing it?”
“Well in case you forgot, I ripped the one I was wearing last night.”
“That’s my husband’s shirt.”
“Oh come on, he’s not going to be wearing it anytime soon. I gotta go, I’ll see you after work.” He leaned in for a kiss, but I backed away. “What’s the matter?”
“I don’t think this is going to work out.”
“What?”
“I think we need to take a break.”
“Over a t-shirt?”
“There’s…there’s a lot of things Stephen.”
“Are you being fucking serious with me right now?” His voice raised, something I had not yet experienced with him. Something in my head told me to back away from him, so I did. I backed right up against the counter within reach of my knives. It made me feel better.
“I think so.”
“But I don’t want to do that. Tell me what I did and I’ll fix it. I’ll take off the shirt. Katherine…please.” I looked right into his eyes. I thought maybe I was overreacting, but the pictures, messing with my daughter to erase her father, that was the breaking point.
“Please leave.”
The kindness in his face fell away to an ugliness that made me start to tremble. He noticed it. A smile slowly started to rise and it looked like he was going to take a step closer. I rested my hand on the counter behind me, inches from the knife block. He halted and stood still.
“Feivel!” My dog ran into the kitchen at the sound of my voice and looked back and forth between us. I could tell that he sensed the tension. Feivel walked over to my side and just looked back at Stephen without making a sound.
“Are you going to sick the dog on me? Are you crazy or something?”
“Stephen, I just want you to leave.”
“I thought I did everything right.” He let out a sigh. “I had all the answers. I know everything about you and I still can’t make it work. This cannot be my fault…it’s not…it’s your fault! Why are you doing this?!”
“Leave. Now.”
“Ok…I just…” He started laughing and looked down. He tapped my husband's shirt. “Well…shit… I tried to fuck Katherine, and all I got was this lousy tshirt…is that how this going to end?” He just stared at me. I wouldn’t answer him. “I don’t think so. You’re going to change your mind.” He turned and walked out of the door, slamming it behind him.
After he left, I locked all of the doors and called my mother. I told her what happened and not to take Casey to daycare. I told her that I would be able to pick her up in just a little bit. I called all my friends and let them know what happened. I basically wanted to hear other people tell me that Stephen was nuts and in the event that something happened to me, I wanted people to know where to look first.
I ripped all of Casey’s drawings off of the fridge and crumpled them up and threw them away.
I walked back upstairs to get dressed and I noticed other things.
I had only kept a few clothes that belonged to my husband and some of them were missing. I had a small jewelry box on the bathroom counter, and most of the rings and necklaces that James had given me were also missing. I walked through the house and began to notice random little things were missing here and there and the only thing they all had in common were that they were gifts given to me by James.
-
Before I picked up Casey at my mother’s, I called the police to see if anything could be done, even though I was pretty sure that I knew the answer. Other than being a creep and a thief, Stephen actually hadn’t done anything. There was nothing the police could do.
I took Casey to the park to explain to her why Stephen wouldn’t be around anymore. Feivel was sitting next to her in the backseat. I started by asking her about her drawings.
“I didn’t change them.”
“Casey, honey, I saw them this morning. They’re changed. You changed the way daddy looks.”
“But I didn’t mommy. I wouldn’t do that. Maybe Stephen did it.”
“You think Stephen took your crayons and changed your drawings?”
“Maybe. He thought he was going to be my new daddy anyway, so maybe he thought it was a good idea.”
“Wait. Who said he was going to be your new daddy?”
“He did. He said it lots.”
When we got to the park, I made sure Casey stayed right next to me. We started throwing the frisbee down by the river so Feivel could play in the water if he wanted. I asked her some more questions about Stephen and anything else he might have said to her. It didn’t sound like he had said much more.
We were about to leave when Casey started waving at something.
“Look Mommy, it’s Stephen!”
He was standing on the other side of the river, and he was waving back to us. He was wearing a button up shirt and a pair of jeans that both belonged to my husband. He was smiling at me.
“Mommy?”
“Yes?”
“Are you mad at Stephen or something?”
“Yes honey. I don’t think we’re going to be talking to Stephen anymore. I think he needs to go away.” I reached down and scooped up my daughter and began to walk back toward our car.
“We’re going home. Come on Feivel! Feivel?” My dog had been staring at Stephen and he still hadn’t moved. “Feivel, come!”
Stephen whistled and that was enough for Feivel. He jumped into the river and began swimming toward the other side. I called after him over and over, but he eventually made it to the other side and ran over to Stephen. He gave me one last wave before he reached down and clipped a leash onto Feivel’s collar. He turned around and started to walk away.
I ran back to the car and put Casey in her car seat as fast as I could and I drove to the parking lot on the other side of the river, but by the time I got there, he was gone with our dog.
-
I filled out a report with the police and tried to get a restraining order.
“Ok, so here’s the problem. You said his name was Stephen Tasavo?”
“That’s right.”
“Ok look. This is not going to make you feel any better, but this man doesn’t exist.”
“What?!”
“He gave you a false name, Miss. Couldn’t find anybody by that name fitting his description. You got him on social media anywhere? Does he have any friends?”
“I…I don’t know. I don’t have any of that crap. Social media I mean. I guess I just…never asked him about any of it. We’ve only been seeing each other for a few months.”
“Well, from the pictures you took on your phone, we know what he looks like. We’re going to keep an eye out for him, whoever he is. I suggest you keep your doors locked and inform the people at your daughter’s school. If there’s anywhere else you can go, I don’t think that would be a bad idea.”
I went home that night anyway. Casey was a mess after Stephen took Feivel and I thought that it would be a mistake if I didn’t give her some sense of normalcy. I had four friends stay with me that night.
-
A month later I got a call from a number that I didn’t recognize.
“Hello?”
“Don’t hang up the phone Katherine. Feivel really wants to hear your voice.”
“You sick fuck! Give me back my dog!” He was quiet for a moment.
“I've got you on speaker and you’re saying nasty things like that. He can hear everything you’re saying. Can’t you?! Can’t you?! Who’s a bugaboo doggie?! Who’s da doggie?!”
“Stephen…I’ll do whatever you want…please just give him back to me.”
“Come on Katherine. I know you know that’s not my name.”
“What is your name?”
“You know, I thought I had to become someone else to be with you. But I don’t think so. I’m going to like you getting to know the real me.”
“Please just give me my dog.”
“I’m going to make you see that it was destiny that your husband died. I’m going to make you see that his death was what it took to bring us together.”
“You son of a bitch!”
“Anyway, I’ll see you soon.” He hung up the phone.
I called the police, and after that night, I didn’t hear anything from Stephen for two months. Two months of looking over my shoulder. Two months of waiting.
I bought a gun. I kept it in the drawer of my bedside table. I wasn’t taking any chances.
-
I woke up with a start in the middle of the night and I heard the sound of muffled whining. I sat up in bed and looked around my bedroom before I grabbed the gun and got up. I walked to my window and noticed that it was slightly open. I looked down into the backyard.
Smoke was pouring out from underneath the closed lid on the grill. It looked like something was tied around the handles in order to keep it shut. I ran downstairs to the patio door. I opened it and held the gun in front of me. The smell of something burning was making me sick to my stomach. Something was crying out inside of the grill, frantically trying to get out. My heart sank as I realized that it was Feivel’s collar tied around the handle.
I screamed and grabbed the hose and turned it on. I lunged for the lid of the grill and I burned my hands as I tore away the collar from the handles.
I threw the top to the grill open and sprayed the hose inside. Feivel leapt out of the grill and down onto the brick patio. I soaked him with the hose. A belt had been tied around his muzzle. I ripped it off of his face and kept the water on him.
I turned to look back at the house. I didn’t want to leave him, but I realized that I had left my phone upstairs. I opened my mouth to scream for help, but then I had a hard time making any sound when I saw what was on the patio table. There was a bottle of whiskey on it with two glasses that had already been poured. There was a note on the table.
“It’s Friday Night! Time to BBQ!”
There was also something else on the table. A small fake rock. James and I had always kept it hidden amongst the other rocks in the backyard.It had a small compartment on the underside where we kept a spare key to our house. Stephen was in our house.
I looked back down to Feivel. I was left with the awful decision of having to leave my dog. He was gasping for air, but he was still alive. I had to get to Casey to make sure she was safe.
“Feivel, I’m sorry!” I left the hose laying across him and I ran back inside.
As I ran up the stairs, I saw that Casey’s door was closed and as I reached out for the knob, I heard a familiar noise coming from my room. The sound of a rocking chair. I cracked open Casey’s door and I could see that she was still asleep in her bed.
“Kaaaatheriiiiine…”
I closed the door and held the gun in front of me as I walked into my room.
The man I knew as Stephen was rocking in my husband's chair, wearing my husband’s clothes, and holding a house key that only myself and my husband knew about.
“I’ve missed you so much.” I raised the gun without saying a word. My hand was shaking. He was smiling and rocking back and forth. “You’re not going to shoot me.”
“Goodbye Stephen.” I pulled the trigger and nothing happened but a dry snap. I pulled the trigger again, but nothing happened.
“If you held that thing more often, you could probably tell that it’s just a little heavier when it has bullets in it.”
I lunged for my bedside table and pulled the drawer open. The small box of bullets was gone.
“I unloaded it while you were asleep.” He stood up. I ran for Casey’s door, but he caught me before I could open it. I felt his hand go over my mouth and he picked me up by my shoulders. I struggled as he carried me closer to the top of the stairs.
“I’ve watched you sleep for so many nights now, just wondering how I could get you back. But I think there might not be any saving of what we had.” He hit me across the face and threw me down the stairs.
I heard my ankles snap when I hit the floor, and I screamed. His footsteps were quiet as he started walking down the stairs.
“We could have had a life together. I really wanted that. I even put something on the grill, but then you went and ruined that too.”
“Mommy?!” Casey had run out of her bedroom and was at the top of the stairs looking down on us. Stephen was just a few steps away from me. I started to crawl along the floor toward the kitchen.
“Go back to your room Casey. You’re mother and I are fighting.”
“Casey! Get Mommy’s phone and call for help!” I screamed, as I pulled myself along the floor and into the kitchen. All I could think of was getting to the block of knives.
“Where do you think you're going off to? Wait, I know…”
Stephen ran around me and to the kitchen counter. He picked up the block of knives and spilled them on the floor. “Come and get ‘em Katherine.”
He walked back over and stood over me while I crawled toward the knives. He was laughing.
“To think, if someone hadn’t killed your husband, none of this would have happened.”
I tried to shut his voice out of my head as I crawled forward. I was getting closer.
“You know the person who hit him did actually stop for a moment…just a moment…he opened his car door and almost ran over to help, but then something stopped him. Did you know that?”
He’s lying Kathering. Keep moving.
“I was there. If I close my eyes, I can still see the whole thing. If that guy had helped instead of just driving away, maybe James would have survived and what I’ve had with you and Casey… all that would never have been.”
I was right in front of the pile of knives. I reached out and then he stomped on my hand. I felt bones break. He leaned down, grabbed me, and turned me over to look at him. He was crying.
“I still think it was destiny that brought us together, but I was wrong about you. You don’t have any place in our family. Me and Casey. I’m going to take her far away from here. She’s mine now.” Tears were pouring out of his eyes and he was trying to blink them away, but the tears wouldn’t stop.
“Son of a bitch! Stop it! Stop it!” He rubbed at his eyes with one hand. “She’s mine now!”
I brought my knee up as hard as I could between his legs and he dropped me to the floor. He fell to his knees right next to me. I could hear sirens outside.
I reached out and grabbed the largest knife. I raised it over my head, but before I could swing it down, he grabbed my wrist and started to squeeze. I felt my grip start to loosen and I was afraid that I was going to drop the knife. He started to laugh as the sirens were getting closer.
“Looks like it’s time we get things over with.”
I felt his body slam against mine, and at first I had no idea what had happened, but then Stephen began to scream and I could hear Feivel growling behind him.
Feivel had managed to fit his jaws around the back of Stephen’s neck and buried his teeth to the gums. He was pulling Stephen away from me; blood poured down either side of his throat.
I tightened my grip on the knife and I pushed it into Stephen’s stomach over and over and over again. Feivel eventually let go of Stephen, and as I continued to plunge the knife into the mushy mess I had made, my dog limped over and started to whimper.
As Stephen lay there gasping for breath, I stared at his eyes. They were staring back at me and he was no longer weeping. I felt crazy, but his eyes looked kind. They looked happy.
-
“How are you feeling now?” I remember the detective had this perfect voice. A Paul Winfield voice. Had the things he was about to tell me weren’t so terrible, I would probably only remember how beautiful that voice was.
“I can’t walk, but they’ve got me so drugged up that I don’t mind very much. I’m going to be able to go home tomorrow. Or…to my mother’s at least.”
“How’s your daughter doing?”
“She’s good. She’s staying with my mother.”
“I hear that hero dog is going to pull through.”
I smiled. Tears started coming up thinking of Feivel sitting somewhere without me while he was going through all this.
“He’s not going to be a hundred percent, but he’s going to have a good life. He deserves it.”
“Ok. Now for the unpleasant stuff. We finally got some answers on who this guy is. Was, excuse me. His name is Joshua Linder. He’s been keeping a small apartment only a mile away from your house for the last three years. It looks like he’s been watching you the whole time. All kinds of things all over his apartment.”
“Did he kill James?”
“No. He couldn't have. Up until three years ago he lived across the country from you. Even then, there was no way he was driving the car that killed your husband. He was legally blind.”
“What?”
“Not completely blind, but may as well have been. That is his connection to you, and to your late husband I’m afraid.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You said he knew things he shouldn’t have right?”
“Yes.”
“Where the spare key was, um… certain things you shared with your late husband, correct?”
“That’s right.”
“Katherine, there’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to say it. You are aware that your husband was an organ donor, were you not?”
“Yeah.”
“It seems that uh… Mr. Linder was the recipient of your husband’s corneas after your husband passed. Now how he found out about you, we have no idea. There’s some kind of phenomenon that’s called cellular memory that frankly I think is…”
He kept talking, but the only thing on my mind were Stephen’s eyes.
-
My little family of three moved far away from home. We now have a house next to my husband’s parents where Casey can get to know her father’s parents and Feivel can go on walks with me while I pull him in his wagon when he gets too tired. I try not to think too much of what happened, but I still have trouble sleeping.

Memories of Matriarch Sundisk, 3rd Chief of Sapwater Village, Recovered Post-Mortem
With my back-mounted mechanical arm, I grabbed some of the orange berries from my shoulder bag. My trunk then instinctively handled them into my mouth whilst I stared at the screen. The expenses for Sapwater Village defiantly stared back at me. As the village’s matriarch, it was up to me to handle all this expenditure. The village’s reserves could only stretch so far, even with the generous funding of our benefactors. Maybe if we limited the fuel consumption of the herd, and set limits on-
Suddenly, I was on edge. A low rumbling of distress came from the watchtower west of the village, and my tail stood on end- the low noises communicated something was approaching our village. My species’ ability to communicate over long distances came in handy in situations like this, but what could possibly be such an important threat out here? We were on a rather out of the way planet. Sure enough, a comm from the Northwest watchtower popped up on my device, and I opened the channel. Syrupeyes, the watch guard, appeared on my screen.
Before I could say anything, she cut me off. “A human is coming.”
“What?” I trumpeted. My mind raced. Why were the uplifters here? We were a small colony on the outskirts of treaty-space. What had we done which was important enough for direct contact? To my knowledge, we hadn’t breached any treaties, let alone a major one! The humans even gave their blessing to this colony! If our funding got cut, we likely wouldn’t survive the dry season! Maybe it was just a civilian… I held on to that hope.
“Did you see any insignia on them? Are they an ambassador?” I asked.
“They were in a blank exosuit. Seemed to be Library-of-Gaia-make. What should I tell the people to do?” replied Syrupeyes.
This did put my mind somewhat at ease, Gaians would probably only be interested in documenting the wildlife of the planet. Still, it would probably be best if the human put in a good word with the library, so we should at least have a welcoming ceremony.
“Well, a welcoming ceremony is likely in order. I’ll make an announcement shortly, just let them know to prepare,” I replied.
With a simple affirmative, Syrupeyes shortly ended the comm. Promptly, a rumble let everyone know to prepare for festivities. I chuckled softly to myself as I heard squeaks and trumpets of excitement from the nursery. No time to waste then, people were probably confused. I opened the announcement system and started explaining the situation to people, and giving instructions. Bustling noises made it through the door as activity in the village picked up. Time to prepare.
I walked through the curtains into a small dark room lit by luminescent strips around the central mirror. I started falling into the routine of applying the ceremonial face paint, grounding myself in the familiar textures and colours of the powders. Face paint finished, I then chewed on some of the aromatic herbs available. Finally, I replaced my current shoulder-pack with a more elegant one for special occasions. With that, I was ready to head out.
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
Log (error, indexing corrupted) of Pino Jacinta, Unaffiliated
The clanking of my exosuit was what kept me awake, despite my body screaming at me to rest after walking for what felt like days. Yet a feeling of inertia kept me going, unable to make the effort to stop. At that point, I was certain the only reason I could still stand was thanks to the hydraulics system of the suit. I was in a constant state of near-collapse.
I had put on the suit in a haze after I had fallen out of my cryo chamber. When the suit had turned on, it immediately started processing notifications about translator updates and unsent messages which my mind did not let me focus on. Maybe due to the cryosleep, my memories were hazy and I did not remember how I ended up here from Shi Maria station. I don’t know why but I started walking, but not knowing what else to do, I continued on, held up by the hydraulics of the suit. In the periphery of my vision, the notifications still sat there, easy to ignore.
It was then that a notification popped up, more prominent than the rest - no, too loud to be a notification, an alarm? My mind was feeling even more hazy. I had to force myself to read it, word after word. I had to repeat the word “low” thrice, the word “oxygen” seven times and the word “warning” four times before my brain processed them into a coherent sentence.
Low oxygen warning. Huh.
I then noticed it was getting harder to breath, to the point where I was hyperventilating. Then, the world was spinning. Despite my suit’s best efforts, I stumbled. That was when the panic began to set in. I was going to choke. Not knowing who I was. Not knowing where I was. This is where my life would start flashing before my eyes, if I remembered any of it. There were plants outside. Despite the hours I spent walking, it only just set in. Plants meant atmosphere, oxygen. Grasping at my helmet, I looked for a way, any way to pull it off. It was firmly stuck on. I was struggling to breathe now. Half-remembered, a memory flashed in my mind. A warm presence, a hand around my wrist guiding it up to the base of the helmet. I gripped a latch, and pulled. The faceplate slid up. Air.
I breathed deeply. The air was rather hot and dry, but to my oxygen-deprived lungs felt incredibly refreshing. It carried the scent of dried grass and hard-packed earth. My eyes began to focus, and the lilac grasses and distant trees once again came into view, in bright light. Sounds of alien birds and insects carried across the plains, unfamiliar sounds. With what little strength I could gather, I rolled myself onto my back, and saw a soft blue sky, and clouds weren’t blocking the intensity of the bright white star of this planet. Only a few thin wisps of cloud could be seen at all, and the sky was otherwise featureless except for the birds circling overhead. A cool breeze was blowing against my skin, softening the harsh heat.
Whilst I rested, out of some ingrained instinct, I started mentally scanning my body. My feet felt numb, but otherwise seemed fine. Other than my feet, my legs ached the most, and I felt fibres of stiffness in them. My waist hurts slightly, some kind of a stitch in my lower abdomen. Resting soothed the pain, I could barely feel it now. I could still feel a burning sensation in my lungs, from earlier, and my heart was fluttering still. Deep breaths. Shoulders and arms were surprisingly alright, although with the same strands of stiffness, and my hands felt slightly clammy but otherwise good. Since I had gotten out of cryo my neck still ached, a strange kind of itchy ache. Best I could do at the moment was to squirm in my suit to soothe the itchiness. My face was fine, but my eyes hurt a bit. There was no reason to have done that self-scan, I couldn’t exactly treat any of those, but my mind had been acting weird since I had woken up, so I didn’t question it. Now that I had taken some time to rest, I forced myself up, pushing against my exhaustion with a bit of help from the suit.
I then took time to orient myself, and looked around. To one side, the land got more flat, and rather unremarkable as even the sparse trees faded out in the distance. Other than that, the land was mostly similar to where I was now, except for one more hilly region where trees seemed slightly concentrated around. Looking closer, I saw silhouettes on that hill, strange bumps and squares-
Was that a village?
Once again, the repetitive clanking of my suit was keeping me awake.
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
Memories of Matriarch Sundisk, 3rd Chief of Sapwater Village, Recovered Post-Mortem
I had ordered the villagers to collect up a basket of fruit, as part of the ceremony. One of the elder Yaan had provided a flower garland, to place upon our guest. We had also set up the sunset lamps, traditional for all festivities. For as much as this young colony had traditions. We also set up air-cons near the entrance, as wasteful as air-cons in the open were. It was proper to be lavish for a welcoming ceremony. The reception crew consisted of myself, some guards, and the village priest. (It was determined that role was necessary for colony morale. As long as they didn’t interfere with my work, I went along with it.) We were still preparing, and I heard some murmuring about the ceremony, so I felt the need to intervene.
“Remember, the Gaians have been partial to our colony so far. They’ve been pressuring various human governments to maintain our funding. We need to maintain amicable terms with them for the sake of this colony! This ceremony is clearly in order! It is not worth it to risk a grievance, even if it does turn out to be a civilian,” I reminded them. Communication, as always, was important.
As I watched, I noticed the human was not using a vehicle at all, just walking. Would it be polite to offer a ride, or would that be viewed as an insult? I wasn’t entirely sure about human customs. After some consideration, I decided on a compromise: I would walk down the hill to meet them. It couldn’t be considered an insult as I was only walking with them, not making them take a transport, but still provided some level of courtesy to a guest, if nothing else at least signifying good will. I walked down to meet the human, and noticed their odd walk. Likely thanks to the help of the Gaian exosuit, the human’s legs moved perfectly, even mechanically, but the torso was slightly swaying as if it was unsteady. Maybe that was just how bipeds walked? I ran with that theory, right up until I reached the human.
When we met, the human promptly collapsed.
I panicked. This was not how the ceremony was supposed to go. Immediately, I tried to pull the human up by my trunk, and the rest of the ceremony crew rushed down to help me. Unsurprisingly, the human wasn’t that heavy. Still, we did need to pull them uphill, so with considerable effort we carried the unconscious human. I was slightly relieved that this likely meant they were not sent by the Library, unless something had gone seriously wrong in their mission.
We carried the human into one of our guesthouses, and I had called for the village’s medic. The human’s faceplate was off, but the helmet was still on. They had brownish-beige skin and dark brown hair with streaks of green. I couldn’t narrow down an origin from that though - that was a common skin colour amongst humans as far as i knew, and humans often changed hair colour. I had the guards prepare a bed - the regular beds were overly large for the human, but we managed to find a smaller one made for children. We’d probably need to remove the suit to provide medical attention, so I decided to work on that.
Removing the helmet was the easy part, there were a few buckles along the collarbones, along with some airtight seals. Once I pulled the helmet off, I tried looking for a way to remove the rest of the suit, searching the interlocking plates and fabric of the exosuit until I found some more latches. After pulling on three, along the back, the suit opened at last. I was shocked at how cute the human was - I always imagined them as regal and somewhat intimidating. They wore an old fashioned starship uniform, with “CSS Carmina” embroidered on it. Looking past that, I layed the human on the bed and let the doctor, Dawn, tend to them.
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
Log (error, indexing corrupted) of Pino Jacinta, Unaffiliated
I woke up under the blaring sun. In a building, without my suit. The building was simple, made out of clay, but had intricate patterned windows carved out of it, which conveniently let the bright sunlight fall right on my face. I felt some kind of air mattress below me, although I could tell there was no bedframe with low to the floor I was. What little furniture was present in this room towered over me. Luckily, whoever my hosts were were courteous enough to provide an air-con unit, which cooled down my skin despite the sunlight on me. My throat felt dry and cracked. Pushing myself away from the sunlight, I saw a bowl of water on the floor next to me, which I tried my best to drink from despite the very awkward shape. Looking up from the bowl, I noticed an elephant sitting across from me. It had a mechanical arm mounted on its back. It trumpeted at me, and the translator picked it up.
“You were talking in your sleep.”
Huh. Elephant was sapient. Good to know.
Slightly unsure as to how to proceed, I asked; “where am I?”
“You are in Sapwater Village. You fell unconscious so we provided medical attention. You were severely dehydrated and fatigued,” came the reply.
“No I mean.. What planet? I thought I was on Shi Maria”
The translator read the elephant’s expression as confusion.
“... Shi Maria was destroyed 50 years ago. You’re on a planet called Aisha.”

Epistle Yah'ahQoB [“YHVH Follows”, Jacob, James]   INTRODUCTION  

“… a Christian revision of a Jewish work.” (Easton, 1957, TIB p. XII 21)ⁱⁱⁱ
 
In Greek, Hebrew, and Latin the title is one form or another of Jacob (Iacobi, Ιακωβος [Yakobos], יעקב), but not in English. I read somewhere that James was substituted because Jacob was too Jewish. Even allowing for the torturous etymological path by which Yah'ahQoB is transmogrified into James (J [a sound that does not exist in Hebrew] for Y in Jacob was the first step, lord knows where they got the M an S) and even Pedro (retaining not a single consonant), the question remains, why is it that New Testament references to Old Testament Yah'ahQoB are Jacob, but New Testament characters are James in the King James Version? It only now [3/28/23] occurs to me that it may have been to flatter the king!  
James’ epistle is so Jewish that Clarke cites Talmudic sources for nearly every verse. The Interpreters’ Bible posits a preexistent Jewish “Book of Jacob” adapted to a Christian audience; rather than point out Jewish antecedents it highlights the less numerous Christian accretions. The traditionally ascribed author, James the brother of Jesus, remembered as pharisaically Jewish, ridicules Pauline rejection of the Torah.  
James, as is also the case with “certain other epistles, toward the close of some Pauline letters... and in Heb. [Hebrews] 13 [has] “sequences of sayings-groups and isolated sayings arranged with little apparent logical order… this form was very familiar in the contemporary Hellenistic world, where similar somewhat miscellaneous collections of general moral instructions were widely employed in teaching ethics. If these instructions were phrased throughout in the third person such a collection was called a ‘gnomologium.’ But if the second person (singular or plural) was employed, so that the teachings were addressed – either actually or as a literary device – to an individual or to a group, then the collection was termed a ‘paraenesis.’ And in James we have a perfect example of a paraenesis…  
While James is a paraenesis, as a whole and in all its parts, in many sections another highly specialized contemporary literary form is also evident – the form known as the ‘diatribe.’… for the present purposes it may be described adequately enough as copying the style of a speaker engaged in a lively oral debase with an opponent. Among ancient writers on ethics who use the diatribe form Epictetus is particularly notable; among Jewish authors the thoroughly Hellenized Philo often employs it. In the New Testament, Rom. [Romans] 3:1-8 illustrates the form admirably.
…
The fact that the Epistle of James is written throughout as a paraenesis, with frequent employment of the diatribe, shows that its author must be sought among those whose literary associates were with the Greek rather than with the Hebrew world. For the antecedents of true prose paraenesis among non-Greek-speaking Jews are so scanty as to be virtually nonexistent.
…
On the other hand, the content of James, as contrasted with its literary form, belongs unequivocally to the Hebraic-Christian, and not to the Hellenistic world…. James, as we have it, is unambiguously the work of a Christian author, whose rhetorical training was Hellenistic but whose religious background was firmly Hebraic.  
Can the ‘James’ whose name stands as writer at the beginning of the letter be identified with any of the other New Testament characters bearing the same name? Of these there are three (not including the James of Luke 6:16): the apostle James, who was the son of Zebedee, the second (very obscure) apostle ‘James the less’… and ‘James the Lord’s brother.’ Attempts to identify the author of our letter with either of the first two now belong only to the curiosities of the history of interpretation, but the theory that the third James was the author has held sway for many centuries.  
He appears in Mark 6:3 (Matt. [Matthew] 13:55) as one of the four ‘brothers’ of Jesus – the others being Joses, Judas, and Simon, of who we know only the names. The exact relationship implied by ‘brothers’ has been, and is still, the theme of often embittered controversy as among three alternatives: children of Joseph and Mary, children of Joseph by a former marriage, and cousins. The details of this controversy are for the purposes of this Commentary unimportant.
…
Even if the actual author of the epistle was not James the Lord’s brother, does the content of the writing represent the special type of Christianity of which James was the recognized champion? Or in other words, does our letter teach a Jewish Christianity?  
By ‘Jewish Christianity’ here is to be understood the ideal taken for granted in the declaration of James and the Jerusalem elders in Acts 21:20-25, where a sharp distinction is drawn between Jewish and Gentile believers. There are ‘thousands’ (literally ‘myriads’) of the former and they are all ‘zealous for the law’… so zealous are they, indeed, that they treat as an incredible slander the report that Paul has taught Jewish converts to forsake these customs; they ask him – and he agrees – to show publicly ‘that there is nothing in what’ his enemies have been saying about him, and that he himself lives ‘in observance of the law.’  
For Gentile Christians, on the other hand, no such observance of the ‘customs’ is required; it was sufficient for them to keep the four ‘necessary’ point laid down in Acts 15:28-29 (and repeated in 21:25); if they kept these, all would be well with them. From the standpoint of non-Christian Judaism this was a miraculous, even an incredible, concession – this admission that Gentiles might be dispensed from virtually all observance of the ceremonial law and yet be regarded as inheritors of salvation. But the concession was very far from complete. It meant that in every Christian community in which there were former Jews and former Gentiles there were two sharply distinct groups of believers: those who continued to observe the Mosaic ceremonies and those who disregarded them. And – this is the important point – the former regarded themselves as representing a higher and more complete type of Christianity than the latter. In particular, the Jewish Christians simply took for granted that the seat of authority in the Christian church was in Jerusalem, the heart of Jewish Christianity…
…
[Paul] refused absolutely and passionately to admit that the high ecclesiastical rank of James and the other pillars carried with it any corresponding spiritual authority. Their rank was given them by men, not by God, and so was to Paul a matter of utter indifference (Gal. [Galatians] 2:6, 9). Therefore not only were commands from James destitute of any real binding power but – as when he forbade Jewish Christians to eat with their Gentile brethren – they actually might be commands to commit sin, so that all who obeyed him were sinners (Gal. 2:11-21)!
…
Paul’s depreciation of the authority of James finds rather more than a vigorous echo in Mark, whose narrative depreciates James himself. A portion of Mark’s depreciation has been more or less mechanically copied by Matthew, but in a softened form. Still less of Mark’s depreciation has been copied by Luke, and in a still more softened form… But the Fourth Evangelist, to whom the freedom of Christianity from all Jewish legalism was an axiomatic dogma, goes not only beyond Mark but beyond Paul: James, far from being a ‘pillar,’ was one whom ‘the world cannot hate’ – in poignant contrast to its hatred of Christ (John 7:7). Here John is writing at a time when the Christians were so nearly universally Gentiles that their freedom from the ‘worldliness’ of the Mosaic ceremonies was assumed as a matter of course. So far had this concept progressed that the (comparatively very few) Jewish believers who still clung to the ceremonies were now regarded not only as reactionaries, but as dangerous heretics against whom relentless war must be waged; compare, e.g. [for example], Ign. [Ignatius] Mag. [Epistle to the Magnesians] 9:1, where keeping the Sabbath instead of ‘the Lord’s day’ is denounced as a deadly sin. And this conviction must have been immeasurably intensified by the Roman persecution of Christianity. From this persecution the Jewish Christians, because of their ceremonialism indistinguishable by the Romans from other Jews, were exempt, since at least outwardly they were members of a religio licita; [lawful religion] ‘the world did not hate them’ as it hated the church at large.
…
… while in the battle against Jewish Christianity much the most important figure was Paul, it by no means follows that rejection of Jewish Christianity involved acceptance of all that Paul taught… The letters of Paul, the great Apostle to the Gentiles, bulk so large in the New Testament that it is easy for us to think that all Gentile Christianity was Pauline. It was not. When the author of II Peter says of Paul’s letters that ‘there are some things in them hard to understand’ (II Pet. [Peter] 3:16), he speaks not only for his own and later ages but for the apostolic age as well. When Paul taught that for Christians circumcision was wholly needless, that Gentile believers were every whit the equals of their Jewish Christian brothers, this doctrine was avidly adopted. But the intricacies of the logic by which he attained this conclusion were quite another matter. When he wrote ‘Christ is the end of the law’ (Rom.10:4), he wrote a phrase that bewildered many. Surely, they reasoned, Paul could not mean Christ has put an end to the law ‘Thou shalt not kill’ or ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery.’ And similarly with the phrase so basic in Paul’s thinking, ‘We hold that a man is justified by faith apart from works of law’ (Rom. 3:28). Surely, men argued, Paul could not possibly teach that if a man’s belief is orthodox, his conduct does not matter.  
Of course, in both instances they were perfectly right; Paul meant nothing of the sort… A famous saying of Harnack’s (roughly paraphrased) states the facts not unfairly, ‘No one in the second century understood Paul but Marcion – and Marcion misunderstood him!’ This saying is, to be sure, not wholly correct; B.W. Bacon observed succinctly that it should read, ‘No one understood Paul but John – and John did not misunderstand him!’ But the genius of John, like the genius of Paul, soared far beyond the reach of the rank and file of contemporary Christians.  
The consequence was that Paul’s teaching was brought into the comprehension of ordinary believers by the explanation that by the ‘law’ Paul meant not the moral but the ceremonial law of the Old Testament.
…
To come now finally to the question at issue: Is the Epistle of James a technically ‘Jewish Christian’ work? Undoubtedly very much of its material is taken from Jewish sources… But this fact does not make it ‘Jewish–Christian’ in the polemic force of the term any more than its occasional use of traditional Stoic-Cynic ethical teaching, and its use throughout of the Stoic-Cynic literary forms of paraenesis and diatribe, make it a Stoic-Cynic treatise… Nowhere is there the slightest hint of two classes of Christians – the cardinal tent of true Jewish Christianity.
…
In the last decade of the nineteenth century … a French scholar [L. Massebieau] and a German scholar, [Friedrich Spitta] working wholly independently, published almost simultaneously conclusions that were identical. Both maintained that the epistle was originally a purely Jewish writing which has been converted into a Christian work by an editor who merely added ‘and of the Lord Jesus Christ’ in 1:1 and ‘our Lord Jesus Christ’ in 2:1. Both writers stressed in support of their theory the extraordinarily difficult grammatical problem offered by the Greek genitives in 2:1 … a problem solved at once by the theory of the interpolation. And they argued further that if this interpolation is accepted, a corresponding interpolation in 1:1 may be inferred; especially since 1:1, as it now reads, contains language unique in the New Testament… Then, since these two occurrences of ‘Jesus Christ’ are the only explicit Christian terms in the letter, the remainder, they argued, not only represented a use of Jewish tradition, but was Jewish tradition and nothing else.
…
… a generation later Arnold Meyer … [n]oting that in Greek, Aramaic, and Hebrew, ‘James’ and ‘Jacob’ are the same word … saw that if the Christian ‘interpolation’ in 1:1 was recognized as such, the original opening words could be read “Jacob, a servant of God, to the twelve tribes in the dispersion: Greeting.’… And for a letter from Jacob to the ‘twelve tribes’ a well-known biblical precedent was provided by Gen. [Genesis] 49, where Jacob addresses the ‘ancestor’ of each tribe in turn…. Meyer undertook to demonstrate that similar references to the twelve tribes can be detected in James.
…
But even if Meyer is correct in his contention that a ‘Letter of Jacob’ forms the basis of James, it by no means follows that he is equally correct in contending that the former can be recovered by eliminating minimal Christian additions in 1:1; 2:1; 5:12; and 5:14. He seems vastly to have underestimated the contributions of the Christian editor. This appears most vividly in the long section 2:14-26 on the relative value of faith and works. … Not only is the general trend of the argument in 2:14-26 one impossible in Judaism, but the details of its wording show that the argument is directed against a non-Jewish opponent – an opponent who can be identified definitely as Paul… Only one conclusion appears to be possible: 2:14-26 was written not by a Jew, but by a Christian.
…
Nor is 2:14-26 the only Christian passage in James.
…
If this is correct, we have the solution of a difficulty in Meyer’s theory for which he has no satisfying answer. If the ‘Letter of Jacob to the Twelve Tribes’ was really virtually coextensive with James as a whole, we should expect to find the tribal allusions fairly evenly distributed throughout the work. But this is precisely what we do not find.
…
Meyer notes, to be sure, that no one writing paraenesis would tie himself down to a rigid outline; it is characteristic of paraenetic style that it permits of all sorts of apparently unmotived digressions. …. Yet the digressions never bulk very large; there is no adequate basis here for accepting the almost grotesque assumption necessitated by Meyer’s theory, that more than four fifths of the entire work is irrelevant to its plan!” (Easton, 1957, TIB pp. XII 4-11)   END NOTES   ⁱⁱⁱ The Interpreters' Bible The Holy Scriptures in the King James and Revised Standard versions with general articles and introduction, exegesis, [and] exposition for each book of the Bible in twelve volumes, George Arthur Buttrick, Commentary Editor, Walter Russell Bowie, Associate Editor of Exposition, Paul Scherer, Associate Editor of Exposition, John Knox Associate Editor of New Testament Introduction and Exegesis, Samuel Terrien, Associate Editor of Old Testament Introduction and Exegesis, Nolan B. Harmon Editor, Abingdon Press, copyright 1955 by Pierce and Washabaugh, set up printed, and bound by the Parthenon Press, at Nashville, Tennessee, Volume XII, The Epistle of James [Introduction and Exegesis – Burton Scott Easton, Exposition - Gordon Poteat], the First and Second Epistles of Peter, The first, Second, and Third Epistles of John, The Epistle of Jude, The Revelation of St. John the Divine, General Articles, Indexes   An Amateur's Journey Through the Bible

Processing the Evangelical Upbringing:
“God’s will” Unable to make decisions for fear of being unaligned. Praying for guidance and feeling like it’s on deaf ears. Answered prayers seem to confirm, but would this have happened without the prayers anyway?
“Fear of God” Afraid of sin and judgement to the point that every decision becomes a matter of eternal consequences. Nothing can just be a simple choice: “how am I honoring god in this? Is this his will? Is this a sin?”
“All have fallen short” The idea that I am ‘evil’ from the earliest age and need to constantly be asking god to forgive for things that I have done or not known I’ve done wrong to avoid eternal damnation sets up a low self esteem because I have no internal or intrinsic value apart from Christ/the church. Sure I’m fearfully and wonderfully made, but also deeply broken to the point that if I’m not obeying god I’m going straight into the eternal garbage disposal.
“Are you prepared?” The idea of Jesus can come back at any time creates a sense of urgency to get things in life I want to do done before he comes back. “What if it’s tomorrow? Will I ever get married and get to have sex before I’m raptured? There’s no marriage in heaven will I ever get to experience that? Will I get to make money, have a family? Are these things I should even want? Am I selfish for not putting the lord first and seeking his kingdom instead of worrying about what I want?”
“Obey the Law/Respect your Elders” This can lead to a lack of critical thinking. Following the rules, being afraid to bend them or have a little fun because it’s not the right thing to do. Being told to respect your elders puts blind trust in the word and authority of adults and can cause you to assume whatever an adult says must be true/followed/respected. Taking whatever authority says is good and right or correct can prevent you from actually considering “why is this the correct thing?” It does not make for good debate because your argument comes down to “because X told me so” where X is the Bible/PastoTeacheParent, not, I’ve researched or reasoned to this conclusion
“Jesus is the answer” The solution is always prayeread your Bible/worship. “If you’re not falling into the perfect Christian mold then no wonder you’re having doubts and struggles! It’s the Devil doing his work!” You’re only supposed to watch clean movies, listen to Christian music, not read anything secular. Starts to feel like a cult or brainwashing, as if any external ideas will inevitably “cause you to stumble.”
“Sex” Intense shame over any sexual thoughts or masturbation or sexual experiences outside of marriage. Sex before marriage can feel dirty or personally crushing because of the stigma and possible pressure (internal or familial) to marry this person because you’ve had sex.

“I know you’re awake…Katherine…Kaaaaatheriiiine…”
“Shut up.” I had been awake for a little while, just staring at the wall.
“I knew it.”
“Can you not sleep?” I rolled over and looked at him as I asked the question.
James was in his rocking chair in the corner of our bedroom right next to the window. The moon outside was illuminating his face.
“I’m ok. Just a lot on my mind.”
“Like what?” I did my best to sit up. I was almost at my due date and I was enormous. During the pregnancy I wasn’t quite as sensitive to his little issues that I normally was.
James suffered from severe bouts of anxiety and he would spend lots of nights just rocking in his chair, trying not to worry about things.
“I think we should get a dog.”
“What?”
“We should get a dog. Every kid should grow up with a dog.” He turned his head to look at me. Most of his face was in shadow, but his eyes were bright. He smiled at me.
“Ok. Is that it? That’s what’s keeping you up?”
“Yes. Oh, and I also love you.”
“I love you too.”
“And I farted.” I had never known James to end anything on any kind of sappy note, so he always had to say or do something childish to ruin the moment.
I loved him so much.
-
“He’s kind of gross.” There were so many dogs at the shelter, but my husband immediately went to the mangiest one. A large mutt with his tongue hanging limply out of the side of his mouth. The mousey brown fur looked like someone had teased it with a brush and sealed the deal with an entire can of hairspray, and he had a slight limp as it walked toward this strange new man making baby talk. I watched the dog cock its head from side to side like it understood what James was saying.
“He’s perfect.” I could tell that James was in love.
“Why him?”
“Well…every other little guy in here is so animated and vibrant. He’s…um…not.”
“He looks like an oversized mouse with bad hair.”
“That’s perfect!”
“What?”
“We can name him Feivel! Does Feivel like that name?! Who’s a bugaboo doggie?! Who’s da doggie?!” The dog started making inquisitive whines and that lazy tongue came to life and began to lick the strange man's fingers through the chain link fence.
Feivel came home with us, and for a month that dog never left my husband’s side.
-
“What happened?”
“Can you put me on speaker so Art can hear me?”
“Ok. You’re scaring me Katherine.” I was trying to hold it together. James’ parents had recently moved to the east coast, so I had no choice but to call them on the phone with the news. “Ok, you’re on speaker.”
“Ok. James… um… James had an accident. It was a hit and run. Someone hit him with a car while he was crossing the street and then just kept driving.”
“Oh my God! Is he alright?”
“He’s um…” I had been with James since our sophomore year in high school, but we had been friends since we were six. I had known his parents for almost just as long.
“He’s…he’s gone.”
“Oh my God…”
I had to make lots of phone calls that day. It was the hardest day of my life.
-
“Mommy needs to talk to you.”
Feivel had been pacing the house for three days. When he wasn’t pacing, he would just sit at the front door waiting for James to come home. He wouldn't sit with me, almost like he blamed me for James not being there.
“Come here. Feivel! Come here.” He finally gave in and walked over to the couch. I patted the cushion next to me and he jumped on the couch and sat down.
He grunted at me several times and when he was done voicing his frustrations, his tongue jutted out of the side of his mouth and just hung there.
I don’t know if it sounds stupid or not, but I had a conversation with him about what had happened to his Daddy and why he wasn’t with us anymore. I felt like it would have been cruel not to.
He stared at me through the whole story and when I was finished, there was a heavy silence between us that was eventually broken by a small cry from him before he put his head in my lap.
-
Three weeks later, I had Casey. The birth was rough and there were multiple issues. For a little bit there, I was afraid that I might lose her too. She had to stay in the hospital longer than I would have liked, but when I was finally able to bring her home, Feivel took to her instantly.
He was always next to her.
-
As the years went by, I made sure Casey knew every detail about her father. I would tell her stories and Feivel would always add something in his own language. I don’t know if he was backing up what I said or perhaps contradicting it, but I do know he was always happy to be included in the reminiscing.
Shortly after she turned four, Casey’s favorite pastime was drawing with her crayons. I had quite a few pictures up on our fridge of our little family in the midst of imagined adventures. She always drew James in with us. The way she always emphasized his balding head would make me smile.
I would BBQ on Friday nights because James had always done the same.
When we first moved in, he had built a huge grilling station out of brick and bought this ridiculously large grill that could almost fit an entire cow inside of it. James had said we would need it for the amount of children and grandchildren that we were going to have. We would sit in front of it every Friday night with a bottle of whiskey while he cooked.
Casey and I would sit at the same table and have juice while we made hot dogs. I thought it was important to keep some of our traditions alive for Casey.
In spite of losing James, we were happy. I started to adjust to a life without a partner, which was not a very easy thing to do since we had been a part of each other’s lives since we were both six years old.
-
Almost five years after I lost James, I met Stephen. I was a busy woman with a young daughter and up to that point, I had not even thought about dating. There was something different about Stephen though. I was interested in him from the first time we met.
Casey and I were playing in the park with Feivel one day and somehow we lost him. He just vanished. I looked for him for hours while my mom watched Casey, but I couldn’t find him. For three days I was beside myself and Casey was constantly in tears. Then, Stephen showed up on my doorstep holding our Feivel at the end of a leash.
A tall man with thick hair and trendy glasses wearing a flannel and jeans.
“Oh my God!”
“Hi. I uh…found him in the park down by the river.” I snatched him up and he started whimpering and shaking his butt back and forth. I completely ignored the man at my door. When Feivel had had enough of my pets, he ran inside to look for Casey.
“Thank you so much. Oh my God, you have no idea how much we missed him.” I was wiping tears from my eyes.
“Oh, I might have a clue.”
“Thank you.”
“No problem.”
As I was wiping my nose on the sleeve of my sweatshirt, I realized that the man standing at my door was gorgeous.
“Can I…let me give you some money or something. You have no idea how happy you just made my daughter.”
“No, that's ok. Just happy to help.”
“Thank you.”
There was something about the way he looked at me with his eyes. My stomach fluttered. I wanted to invite him in, and the fact that I wanted to do that upset me.
I thanked him. I didn’t even ask him for his name. I’ll admit that I even closed the door on him a little more abruptly than I meant to.
All three of us shared my bed that night. It was the best night’s sleep I’d had in years.
-
A couple weeks went by and then I saw him again, the man who had found Feivel. He was sitting in the park with his back against a tree, reading a book. Casey and I had been taking turns throwing a frisbee for Feivel, and I saw him out of the corner of my eye. I decided that I would thank him again and apologize for being so awkward.
As I walked closer, I took in every detail. I was sure he was a few years younger than I was and he looked very athletic. His glasses rested on the tip of his nose as he read from The Winter of Our Discontent; Steinbeck has always been my favorite author.
Feivel must have seen him just as I was about to say something because he reached the man before I did. I could hear Casey calling for me.
“Hold on honey. Give me a second.”
Feivel was all over the man and he was laughing at the writhing whining beast who was trying its best to lick every inch of his face.
“Feivel, don’t be rude.”
“No, it's fine. I’m glad he remembers me.”
“Yeah. Wow, he really remembers you.” Feivel was so excited that he started to whimper and expose his tummy. “Feivel! Have some self respect!”
The man stood up next to me. My stomach was fluttering again and I could not stop looking at his eyes.
“Hey, I have to apologize about…uh the way I kinda shut my door in your face.” He laughed.
“You don’t have to apologize.”
“Mommy?” Casey had run up behind me and was partially hiding herself behind my leg while she stared at the man. “Mommy?”
“This is my daughter Casey.”
“Hello Casey.”
“Hello.”
“My name’s Stephen.” Casey stayed behind my leg.
“It’s ok honey. Tell him your name.”
“I’m Casey and this is my mom. Her name is Katherine.”
“Well…you’re a very pretty girl and it’s very nice to meet you.” I noticed that his eyes started to tear up while he was looking at my Casey. He wiped his eyes and shook his head. He was clearly embarrassed. “I’m sorry. She just… reminds me of my niece. We lost her a few years ago.”
We talked for a while that day. Every time he looked over at Casey, I swore that he was on the verge of tears.
-
It didn’t take very long at all; I was hooked. Feivel was hooked. Eventually, even Casey was hooked.
I tried to take it slow. I didn’t want to date anyone. I wasn’t over James and I knew it, but I just wanted to be around this man and I honestly could not explain what it was at the time. I always wanted him at the house, so he was there all the time. I loved it when he looked at me.
For the most part, he was great, but there were some things that were off. There were things I should have paid more attention to, but again, there was something about him that made me feel like I needed him.
He would kiss me with his eyes open every time, and even though the way he kissed me was great, something about it still gave me the creeps. I would crack my eyes open sometimes in the hopes that he had stopped doing it. Every time I saw those eyes staring back at me, I felt uneasy. I had only ever been with James, so I thought maybe some guys just did that, even though all of my friends thought it was weird too.
He also did things when he would come over that would raise the hairs on the back of my neck. Maybe that description is a little too harsh for what I was thinking at the time, but it fits now.
He would move things around the house. The toilet paper would be folded in that terrible triangle every time. James used to do that. He would also randomly adjust my coffee cups in the cabinet so the handles all faced the same way. Again, something my James used to do.
I had no idea what he did for a living, he told me he was in construction, but I had no idea who he worked for. He had never invited me over to his house, nor did he ever talk about his family.
My friends told me that I needed to relax and just enjoy myself. I admit, for the most part he seemed like the almost perfect guy. It was almost like he knew everything about me.
-
It was three months before he stayed overnight. I had Casey stay over at my mother’s house because it didn’t feel right to have her there.
We tried to be intimate, but I felt dirty. He said it was fine. He stayed anyway.
In the middle of the night I rolled over and cracked my eyes open. He was in the rocking chair in the corner. The moon was illuminating his eyes while he looked out the window. I thought I was dreaming for a minute.
“I know you’re awake…Katherine…Katherine?”
I didn’t say anything. I pretended to sleep. He turned his face to me and smiled. His eyes were so wide and bright.
“Katherine?”
I never went back to sleep that night. I just laid there for a while going back and forth from feeling like I was betraying my husband to feeling like I was an idiot who should just enjoy having a relationship with someone.
Around four in the morning, I had finally begun to drift off to sleep, but Stephen started making noises.
I rolled over and realized that his eyes were wide open. I was going to say something, but he was asleep. I waved my hand in front of his face to make sure.
He began to grunt and his body would shake every now and then. He was having a bad dream and his open eyes began darting back and forth.
“Get out of my head…” He whispered it twice. “Fuck you…out of my head…Mine now…”
It was too much to take. I quietly slid off of the bed and backed my way out of the room. Just as I made it to my door, his eyes moved and focused on me. He was still asleep, but it was like his eyes were watching me just the same.
I walked downstairs. He continued to talk in his sleep for over an hour. I was pretty sure right then that I had to break it off, or at least really slow down. I just didn’t feel right. And to be honest, I was a little creeped out.
-
I was drinking my coffee in the kitchen and thinking about what I was going to say when something caught my eye. Casey’s pictures of our family on the fridge looked different.I got up and took a closer look. James had been changed in every picture. He didn’t have short hair anymore, it was full and he was also wearing glasses. My heart skipped a beat and I felt a terrible lump in my throat. I wondered what this man had said to my daughter to convince her to remove her father from the pictures. I was done.
A few minutes later, he came downstairs in a rush. He was wearing a black Flogging Molly t-shirt. James’ favorite shirt.
“What are you doing?”
“Good morning! I forgot to turn on the alarm! I’m going to be late for work!”
“Stephen, why are you wearing that shirt?”
“I found it in your closet.”
“But why are you wearing it?”
“Well in case you forgot, I ripped the one I was wearing last night.”
“That’s my husband’s shirt.”
“Oh come on, he’s not going to be wearing it anytime soon. I gotta go, I’ll see you after work.” He leaned in for a kiss, but I backed away. “What’s the matter?”
“I don’t think this is going to work out.”
“What?”
“I think we need to take a break.”
“Over a t-shirt?”
“There’s…there’s a lot of things Stephen.”
“Are you being fucking serious with me right now?” His voice raised, something I had not yet experienced with him. Something in my head told me to back away from him, so I did. I backed right up against the counter within reach of my knives. It made me feel better.
“I think so.”
“But I don’t want to do that. Tell me what I did and I’ll fix it. I’ll take off the shirt. Katherine…please.” I looked right into his eyes. I thought maybe I was overreacting, but the pictures, messing with my daughter to erase her father, that was the breaking point.
“Please leave.”
The kindness in his face fell away to an ugliness that made me start to tremble. He noticed it. A smile slowly started to rise and it looked like he was going to take a step closer. I rested my hand on the counter behind me, inches from the knife block. He halted and stood still.
“Feivel!” My dog ran into the kitchen at the sound of my voice and looked back and forth between us. I could tell that he sensed the tension. Feivel walked over to my side and just looked back at Stephen without making a sound.
“Are you going to sick the dog on me? Are you crazy or something?”
“Stephen, I just want you to leave.”
“I thought I did everything right.” He let out a sigh. “I had all the answers. I know everything about you and I still can’t make it work. This cannot be my fault…it’s not…it’s your fault! Why are you doing this?!”
“Leave. Now.”
“Ok…I just…” He started laughing and looked down. He tapped my husband's shirt. “Well…shit… I tried to fuck Katherine, and all I got was this lousy tshirt…is that how this going to end?” He just stared at me. I wouldn’t answer him. “I don’t think so. You’re going to change your mind.” He turned and walked out of the door, slamming it behind him.
After he left, I locked all of the doors and called my mother. I told her what happened and not to take Casey to daycare. I told her that I would be able to pick her up in just a little bit. I called all my friends and let them know what happened. I basically wanted to hear other people tell me that Stephen was nuts and in the event that something happened to me, I wanted people to know where to look first.
I ripped all of Casey’s drawings off of the fridge and crumpled them up and threw them away.
I walked back upstairs to get dressed and I noticed other things.
I had only kept a few clothes that belonged to my husband and some of them were missing. I had a small jewelry box on the bathroom counter, and most of the rings and necklaces that James had given me were also missing. I walked through the house and began to notice random little things were missing here and there and the only thing they all had in common were that they were gifts given to me by James.
-
Before I picked up Casey at my mother’s, I called the police to see if anything could be done, even though I was pretty sure that I knew the answer. Other than being a creep and a thief, Stephen actually hadn’t done anything. There was nothing the police could do.
I took Casey to the park to explain to her why Stephen wouldn’t be around anymore. Feivel was sitting next to her in the backseat. I started by asking her about her drawings.
“I didn’t change them.”
“Casey, honey, I saw them this morning. They’re changed. You changed the way daddy looks.”
“But I didn’t mommy. I wouldn’t do that. Maybe Stephen did it.”
“You think Stephen took your crayons and changed your drawings?”
“Maybe. He thought he was going to be my new daddy anyway, so maybe he thought it was a good idea.”
“Wait. Who said he was going to be your new daddy?”
“He did. He said it lots.”
When we got to the park, I made sure Casey stayed right next to me. We started throwing the frisbee down by the river so Feivel could play in the water if he wanted. I asked her some more questions about Stephen and anything else he might have said to her. It didn’t sound like he had said much more.
We were about to leave when Casey started waving at something.
“Look Mommy, it’s Stephen!”
He was standing on the other side of the river, and he was waving back to us. He was wearing a button up shirt and a pair of jeans that both belonged to my husband. He was smiling at me.
“Mommy?”
“Yes?”
“Are you mad at Stephen or something?”
“Yes honey. I don’t think we’re going to be talking to Stephen anymore. I think he needs to go away.” I reached down and scooped up my daughter and began to walk back toward our car.
“We’re going home. Come on Feivel! Feivel?” My dog had been staring at Stephen and he still hadn’t moved. “Feivel, come!”
Stephen whistled and that was enough for Feivel. He jumped into the river and began swimming toward the other side. I called after him over and over, but he eventually made it to the other side and ran over to Stephen. He gave me one last wave before he reached down and clipped a leash onto Feivel’s collar. He turned around and started to walk away.
I ran back to the car and put Casey in her car seat as fast as I could and I drove to the parking lot on the other side of the river, but by the time I got there, he was gone with our dog.
-
I filled out a report with the police and tried to get a restraining order.
“Ok, so here’s the problem. You said his name was Stephen Tasavo?”
“That’s right.”
“Ok look. This is not going to make you feel any better, but this man doesn’t exist.”
“What?!”
“He gave you a false name, Miss. Couldn’t find anybody by that name fitting his description. You got him on social media anywhere? Does he have any friends?”
“I…I don’t know. I don’t have any of that crap. Social media I mean. I guess I just…never asked him about any of it. We’ve only been seeing each other for a few months.”
“Well, from the pictures you took on your phone, we know what he looks like. We’re going to keep an eye out for him, whoever he is. I suggest you keep your doors locked and inform the people at your daughter’s school. If there’s anywhere else you can go, I don’t think that would be a bad idea.”
I went home that night anyway. Casey was a mess after Stephen took Feivel and I thought that it would be a mistake if I didn’t give her some sense of normalcy. I had four friends stay with me that night.
-
A month later I got a call from a number that I didn’t recognize.
“Hello?”
“Don’t hang up the phone Katherine. Feivel really wants to hear your voice.”
“You sick fuck! Give me back my dog!” He was quiet for a moment.
“I've got you on speaker and you’re saying nasty things like that. He can hear everything you’re saying. Can’t you?! Can’t you?! Who’s a bugaboo doggie?! Who’s da doggie?!”
“Stephen…I’ll do whatever you want…please just give him back to me.”
“Come on Katherine. I know you know that’s not my name.”
“What is your name?”
“You know, I thought I had to become someone else to be with you. But I don’t think so. I’m going to like you getting to know the real me.”
“Please just give me my dog.”
“I’m going to make you see that it was destiny that your husband died. I’m going to make you see that his death was what it took to bring us together.”
“You son of a bitch!”
“Anyway, I’ll see you soon.” He hung up the phone.
I called the police, and after that night, I didn’t hear anything from Stephen for two months. Two months of looking over my shoulder. Two months of waiting.
I bought a gun. I kept it in the drawer of my bedside table. I wasn’t taking any chances.
-
I woke up with a start in the middle of the night and I heard the sound of muffled whining. I sat up in bed and looked around my bedroom before I grabbed the gun and got up. I walked to my window and noticed that it was slightly open. I looked down into the backyard.
Smoke was pouring out from underneath the closed lid on the grill. It looked like something was tied around the handles in order to keep it shut. I ran downstairs to the patio door. I opened it and held the gun in front of me. The smell of something burning was making me sick to my stomach. Something was crying out inside of the grill, frantically trying to get out. My heart sank as I realized that it was Feivel’s collar tied around the handle.
I screamed and grabbed the hose and turned it on. I lunged for the lid of the grill and I burned my hands as I tore away the collar from the handles.
I threw the top to the grill open and sprayed the hose inside. Feivel leapt out of the grill and down onto the brick patio. I soaked him with the hose. A belt had been tied around his muzzle. I ripped it off of his face and kept the water on him.
I turned to look back at the house. I didn’t want to leave him, but I realized that I had left my phone upstairs. I opened my mouth to scream for help, but then I had a hard time making any sound when I saw what was on the patio table. There was a bottle of whiskey on it with two glasses that had already been poured. There was a note on the table.
“It’s Friday Night! Time to BBQ!”
There was also something else on the table. A small fake rock. James and I had always kept it hidden amongst the other rocks in the backyard.It had a small compartment on the underside where we kept a spare key to our house. Stephen was in our house.
I looked back down to Feivel. I was left with the awful decision of having to leave my dog. He was gasping for air, but he was still alive. I had to get to Casey to make sure she was safe.
“Feivel, I’m sorry!” I left the hose laying across him and I ran back inside.
As I ran up the stairs, I saw that Casey’s door was closed and as I reached out for the knob, I heard a familiar noise coming from my room. The sound of a rocking chair. I cracked open Casey’s door and I could see that she was still asleep in her bed.
“Kaaaatheriiiiine…”
I closed the door and held the gun in front of me as I walked into my room.
The man I knew as Stephen was rocking in my husband's chair, wearing my husband’s clothes, and holding a house key that only myself and my husband knew about.
“I’ve missed you so much.” I raised the gun without saying a word. My hand was shaking. He was smiling and rocking back and forth. “You’re not going to shoot me.”
“Goodbye Stephen.” I pulled the trigger and nothing happened but a dry snap. I pulled the trigger again, but nothing happened.
“If you held that thing more often, you could probably tell that it’s just a little heavier when it has bullets in it.”
I lunged for my bedside table and pulled the drawer open. The small box of bullets was gone.
“I unloaded it while you were asleep.” He stood up. I ran for Casey’s door, but he caught me before I could open it. I felt his hand go over my mouth and he picked me up by my shoulders. I struggled as he carried me closer to the top of the stairs.
“I’ve watched you sleep for so many nights now, just wondering how I could get you back. But I think there might not be any saving of what we had.” He hit me across the face and threw me down the stairs.
I heard my ankles snap when I hit the floor, and I screamed. His footsteps were quiet as he started walking down the stairs.
“We could have had a life together. I really wanted that. I even put something on the grill, but then you went and ruined that too.”
“Mommy?!” Casey had run out of her bedroom and was at the top of the stairs looking down on us. Stephen was just a few steps away from me. I started to crawl along the floor toward the kitchen.
“Go back to your room Casey. You’re mother and I are fighting.”
“Casey! Get Mommy’s phone and call for help!” I screamed, as I pulled myself along the floor and into the kitchen. All I could think of was getting to the block of knives.
“Where do you think you're going off to? Wait, I know…”
Stephen ran around me and to the kitchen counter. He picked up the block of knives and spilled them on the floor. “Come and get ‘em Katherine.”
He walked back over and stood over me while I crawled toward the knives. He was laughing.
“To think, if someone hadn’t killed your husband, none of this would have happened.”
I tried to shut his voice out of my head as I crawled forward. I was getting closer.
“You know the person who hit him did actually stop for a moment…just a moment…he opened his car door and almost ran over to help, but then something stopped him. Did you know that?”
He’s lying Kathering. Keep moving.
“I was there. If I close my eyes, I can still see the whole thing. If that guy had helped instead of just driving away, maybe James would have survived and what I’ve had with you and Casey… all that would never have been.”
I was right in front of the pile of knives. I reached out and then he stomped on my hand. I felt bones break. He leaned down, grabbed me, and turned me over to look at him. He was crying.
“I still think it was destiny that brought us together, but I was wrong about you. You don’t have any place in our family. Me and Casey. I’m going to take her far away from here. She’s mine now.” Tears were pouring out of his eyes and he was trying to blink them away, but the tears wouldn’t stop.
“Son of a bitch! Stop it! Stop it!” He rubbed at his eyes with one hand. “She’s mine now!”
I brought my knee up as hard as I could between his legs and he dropped me to the floor. He fell to his knees right next to me. I could hear sirens outside.
I reached out and grabbed the largest knife. I raised it over my head, but before I could swing it down, he grabbed my wrist and started to squeeze. I felt my grip start to loosen and I was afraid that I was going to drop the knife. He started to laugh as the sirens were getting closer.
“Looks like it’s time we get things over with.”
I felt his body slam against mine, and at first I had no idea what had happened, but then Stephen began to scream and I could hear Feivel growling behind him.
Feivel had managed to fit his jaws around the back of Stephen’s neck and buried his teeth to the gums. He was pulling Stephen away from me; blood poured down either side of his throat.
I tightened my grip on the knife and I pushed it into Stephen’s stomach over and over and over again. Feivel eventually let go of Stephen, and as I continued to plunge the knife into the mushy mess I had made, my dog limped over and started to whimper.
As Stephen lay there gasping for breath, I stared at his eyes. They were staring back at me and he was no longer weeping. I felt crazy, but his eyes looked kind. They looked happy.
-
“How are you feeling now?” I remember the detective had this perfect voice. A Paul Winfield voice. Had the things he was about to tell me weren’t so terrible, I would probably only remember how beautiful that voice was.
“I can’t walk, but they’ve got me so drugged up that I don’t mind very much. I’m going to be able to go home tomorrow. Or…to my mother’s at least.”
“How’s your daughter doing?”
“She’s good. She’s staying with my mother.”
“I hear that hero dog is going to pull through.”
I smiled. Tears started coming up thinking of Feivel sitting somewhere without me while he was going through all this.
“He’s not going to be a hundred percent, but he’s going to have a good life. He deserves it.”
“Ok. Now for the unpleasant stuff. We finally got some answers on who this guy is. Was, excuse me. His name is Joshua Linder. He’s been keeping a small apartment only a mile away from your house for the last three years. It looks like he’s been watching you the whole time. All kinds of things all over his apartment.”
“Did he kill James?”
“No. He couldn't have. Up until three years ago he lived across the country from you. Even then, there was no way he was driving the car that killed your husband. He was legally blind.”
“What?”
“Not completely blind, but may as well have been. That is his connection to you, and to your late husband I’m afraid.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You said he knew things he shouldn’t have right?”
“Yes.”
“Where the spare key was, um… certain things you shared with your late husband, correct?”
“That’s right.”
“Katherine, there’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to say it. You are aware that your husband was an organ donor, were you not?”
“Yeah.”
“It seems that uh… Mr. Linder was the recipient of your husband’s corneas after your husband passed. Now how he found out about you, we have no idea. There’s some kind of phenomenon that’s called cellular memory that frankly I think is…”
He kept talking, but the only thing on my mind were Stephen’s eyes.
-
My little family of three moved far away from home. We now have a house next to my husband’s parents where Casey can get to know her father’s parents and Feivel can go on walks with me while I pull him in his wagon when he gets too tired. I try not to think too much of what happened, but I still have trouble sleeping.

The way libtards & fash have seized upon this incident really is disgusting. I don't know why this individual shot up a school. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say this was something deeply personal ie he was treated badly or abused. He shot the headmaster of the school who was there at the time he attended. So my guess is that this isn't anything political or ideological. So far it just sounds like the settling of personal scores. But each side feels the need to twist this event into something to suit their narrative. Libtards don't want anyone to have guns but fascists & cops. Well, they don't want the fash to have them either. But any new restrictions will only make it hard to impossible for marginalized groups to get them (bcz any new laws like all the rest are disproportionately enforced against minorities) . Meanwhile, the ppl who wanna wipe out marginalized groups already have them and aren't giving them up, laws be damned. Liberals fully understand the jeopardy this places targeted groups in and they don't care bcz they want us all dead anyways. the difference between libtards and fash is that fash wanna kill us outright via violence whereas libtards prefer to kill us via destructive/lethal policies. This is why they want gun control. This way when the fash get the civil war they're desperate for, we're all sitting ducks/soft targets. But i digress.
Libtards wanna (as always) use these tragedies to destroy 2A and the fascists are on a genocidal warpath against trans ppl. So they want (whether it's true or not) to make this about the shooter's trans identity so they can claim he came for that school bcz it was Christian. So now they're busy cranking out all these news stories & memes that portray trans ppl as dangerous and violent. These same ppl spread vids all over the internet of black ppl and immigrants of color behaving badly (usually hispanic/Latin) in order to portray us all the same way. The Nazis did this to Jews in Germany before exterminating them. Now American Nazis are doing it to trans, black & brown ppl. Fox News devotes a lot of time & coverage to spreading this kind of content against black and brown ppl. Liberals wanna take the focus off of what really drives most massacres in this country (white supremacy and also sometimes ppl are just genuinely sick mentally). So we never make any progress on the dangers white supremacy poses. Nor do we make any progress on all the ways society fails vulnerable ppl so they end up falling through the cracks of the system, and bad things happen. In keeping all the focus on guns, libtards keep all the focus on they symptoms, so nothing ever gets done about the actual problems.
If you know any LGTBQIA+ ppl, check in on them. Hug them extra hard. Teach them to shoot. And if you belong to any of the other groups on these Nazis long list, gear up cuz shit is about to get really bad in this country. Especially 2024 and beyond. Get serious about self defense, both fighting and shooting and encourage your loved ones to do the same. You can't help being a target, but you can resolve to be the hardest target possible. Also, bump stocks can be purchased again in some states. I highly recommend them. Libtards may come for them again (Trump was stupid enough to go along w/it too FFS) but even if they do, don't be dumb enough to give yours up. Fuck the ATF. The ppl that wanna kill you have em and so should you. https://www.cnn.com/2023/01/06/politics/bump-stocks-guns-appeals-court/index.html Finally I'll say this much. If it does come out that this shooter was politically motivated and went in on that school as an anti-Christian attack, I really hope the evil individuals across this country waging war on trans ppl using Christianity as a pretext will change course. When you declare war on a group of ppl, call for their genocide, then proceed to aggressively advance policies designed to destroy them, you don't get to act shocked when a member of the group you're targeting snaps. https://www.clevescene.com/news/jd-vance-shares-transphobic-crap-in-wake-of-nashville-school-shooting-41680404

Right I know this might upset some people but it’s a vent and I’m all open to argue about this, but I cannot stand religion, especially Christianity. The Bible is absolutely full of hate and bigotry, yet people who follow it say it’s okay because they don’t agree with those parts. The Bible quite clearly says that all nonbelievers should be killed. Some may interpret that as they are going to hell rather than just being killed, but it still implies that it is wrong to not follow the religion. But then there’s people who only follow parts of it and say they aren’t going to hell?? How can you say it’s okay to follow something that is so disgusting and full of hatred but feel okay with it just because you disagree with those parts? In any other context, supporting someone who hates for example gay people and states they should be killed for being gay would be awful, they would be homophobic, and it wouldn’t matter if the person they supported also did loads of good things, because they have homophobic views. But for some reason it’s okay if it’s in a religious context. A lot of what I’ve looked at from Christianity is just awful. I keep arguing with people about it online which I know is not good and I should keep my opinions to myself but I cannot respect someone who chooses to believe in something that says I should be killed (or in their ‘interpretation’ punished in hell) simply for my existence. I want to add to this that I do not hate all religious people, and in fact know a lot of very nice religious people, and accept that some parts of religion can be positive. This is more about the concept of religion in general.

Recently I have been questioning my denomination with a major reason being the denomination and religion flairs available on Christianity (yeah I know that's kind of a stupid reason but it has led me to this point). I was hoping that the Christians who are knowledgeable about different denominations could advise a denomination that I could identify with closer than before.
I went from Catholic > Non-Denominational > Biblical > Pauline > Protestant > Non-Denominational (Current).
My main views are that the Bible is the ultimate source of authority in Christianity and I am against doctrines or any other sources of authority which contradict or manipulate ideas or rules (on how to live) in the Bible. I have other views however I would prefer not to share them and it would be an extensive and probably irrelevant list.
I have looked online at different denominational views and some of which I have noticed more than others were: Three-Self, Church of Christ, Calvary and Baptist.
I would like to conclude with a denomination and not remain Non-Denominational. This is not a debating post and I would appreciate it if the comments stayed on-topic with advising me on denominations.
Based on what Redditors have said: (1. Sola Scriptura) 1. Baptist 2. Calvary Church 2. Methodist

Colossians 1:15-17: He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together.
Many people read this passage and believe that it is saying that the prehuman Jesus created everything that was created back in Genesis creation. "How can anyone say that Jesus did not have a prehuman existence if he created all things?" Some others will read this passage and see that Jesus is the "image of God," and assume this is an argument that he must be God. Some will read the phrase "he is the firstborn over all creation" and take this to mean that Jesus is over all creation, and therefore, not of creation. Many others will see that "in him all things hold together," and take this to mean something along the lines of Jesus holding creation together by continual power, some sort of divine power God only has to stop the universe from falling apart.
Context alone demonstrates the many errors in this reading, which is why you almost never hear verses 13, 14, 18, or 20-23 read along with these verses. We also need to ask why Paul would need to tell the church of Colossae that Jesus was the original creator and how this serves the overall purpose of his letter. It is also a good rule of thumb to compare any passages in Colossians to that of the letter to the Ephesians because these are almost copies of each other. In a time when someone could not scan a letter through a copy machine and produce another copy, Paul seemed to be addressing a similar problem between these two churches. Thus, his letters are generally very paralleled. They are called "sister letters" because they are so much alike. Beyond this, Paul has a pretty typical style, which makes many of his letters easy to recognize him in. By comparing similar statements between his letters to the Corinthians, Galatians, the Philippians, and even the Romans, we can also gain insight into what Paul means in his language.
The common assumption people have is that when they see "creation" in the Bible, they take this to always mean "the Genesis creation." For most people, they are only aware of one time in which God created. A period of 6 creative days, and after this, God rested and never created anything else again. Creation was good, so why would he need to create more than what is good? Because of this thinking, they can never even begin to understand that there might be another reading to this passage that does not involve Genesis creation.
There is a new creation. We will not get into details on the new creation here, but we will express that the new creation is a "renewal" of the old (Matthew 19:28). Old creation was good, but it needs to be reconciled back to God from its fall. New creation is both a new and yet a recreation of all things. It is not just a restoration to a previous state, but an improvement. There will be a new kind of humanity in a new kind of union with God that man did not have after the Genesis act of creation. Paul speaks of this new creation both implicitly and explicitly. Looking at the explicit: "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation" (2 Corinthians 5:17). "Neither circumcision nor uncircumcision means anything; what counts is the new creation" (Galatians 6:15). The idea of a new creation is a common theme among the NT writers, Matthew, Paul, John, the Hebrews writer, Peter, all speak of a "new heavens and a new earth" a "new birth" or being "born again," a "new Jerusalem," etc. Should it surprise us to see Paul speak of new creation in his letter to the Colossians?
When we look at context, we see clearly what Paul has on his mind.
Colossians 1:13:

He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son.

After a typical Pauline and apostolic introduction and greeting from "God our Father," and, "the God and Father of our Lord, Jesus Christ," (Colossians 1:3-4), Paul addresses the church, making references to their hope stored in heaven, the gospel message, the Spirit poured out to them, the grace they have, and encouraging them and praying for them in their struggles, the gospel message and their work as Christians in the kingdom is clearly a topic on Paul's mind. In verse 13, he makes explicit reference to "the kingdom of his son." This is what Jesus gained upon ascending into heaven as a reward for his death on the cross as a man (see Matthew 28:18, Acts 2:33 ff, Philippians 2:8-11, Hebrews 1:3-4). Jesus did not have a kingdom in Genesis creation. Notice also that Paul is speaking about the kingdom that they (plural) have been delivered from. He is speaking about this present kingdom.
Colossians 1:14:

in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

The redemption from sins necessarily comes after the suffering on the cross. Notice this language of "in whom." This is a very common Pauline expression, and it will be noted several times in this passage. Most ignore this phrase as if it does not have much meaning. However, this would be very naive.
Colossians 1:15

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation.

He is. A present tense verb is used. If this were referring to what the prehuman Jesus was when he created in Genesis, a past tense verb should have been used. People often read the past tense verbs in John 1:1 as if that's how they are meant to be understood. Paul uses a present tense verb to discuss something with the present tense post resurrection Jesus. The same Jesus "in whom we have redemption from sins." What does this "image of God" language mean? Thomas Aquinas writes extensively regarding the imago dei, and even after chapters of discussion, he never comes to the very simple and straightforward answer that Paul himself lays out. "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit... In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord" (2 Corinthians 3:17-18, 4:4-5). Paul makes it abundantly clear that Jesus is Lord, the Lord is the Spirit, the Spirit is the image of God, and we are being transformed to the same image. There can be no question whether the Spirit here refers to the Holy Spirit or not. Chapter 3 compares the "ministry of death" to "the ministry of the Spirit" (compare Romans 8). Also, the definite article is used, referring not to just "a spirit," but "*the, Spirit." Further, he called this "the Spirit of the Lord," and we know that the Spirit of Christ is the Holy Spirit (Romans 8:9 ff). Jesus Christ was raised by the Spirit and clothed bodily with that very same Spirit. This is why Jesus speaks of the Spirit as the "paraklétos" in John 14-16, and in 1 John 2:1, that paraklétos is identified as the risen Jesus himself. Being clothed with the Spirit of life grants immortality, and Paul says in 1 Corinthians 15:45 in the context of the resurrection body, that, "the first Adam came to be a living soul, the last Adam life-giving Spirit." Jesus was raised from the dead with this Holy Spirit. That is what the "image of God" simply means. By partaking in the Holy Spirit (Hebrew 6:4), we partake in the divine nature (2 Peter 1:4). Certainly, the Spirit of God is his image.
When Paul says that Jesus "is" the image of God, he uses a present tense verb because this was not true of the pre-resurrection Jesus. He was a living soul. By being raised as Life-giving Spirit, he is now in the image of God. "And we are being transformed into the same image." This has nothing to do with being God. This is why Paul says, "the image of the invisible God." Because God is Spirit and spirit is not seen. Jesus is now that same image, the Spirit of God (John 4:24). Paul is making a very similar and consistent argument in Colossians 2:8-15 (see my long post on Colossians 2:9 for details on this). The ministry of death, that is, the ministry of the law, compared to the Spirit that is Christ and the Spirit of his ministry. This is why Paul brings this up in this passage, but we will speak more on this later.
"The firstborn over all creation?" Or, "the firstborn of all creation?" The Greek literally says "firstborn of all creation" πρωτότοκος πάσης κτίσεως. The words "all" and "creation" are both in the genitive case. This refers to being "of" or "from." We literally have "firstborn [of all] [of creation]." So why do some translations use "over all creation?" The true answer is because the statement "firstborn of all creation" does not fit well with their theological assumptions that Jesus was not of or from creation, but eternally begotten, not made. So they try to find a way around this. Their reasoning that they often give is due to the term "firstborn." This word refers to a firstborn that is first in time, or first in rank (proto-tokos, first-born). Because they take this "firstness" to be in priority, they translate this as "firstborn over" to clarify this. However, this completely ignores and leaves untranslated genitives. While "firstborn" can and sometimes does mean a first in priority, that is not how this should be translated. If anything, the "over" should be in a footnote or italics to indicate that it is not original to the text, if not a parenthetical or bracketed. Even then, the genitive should still be translated. "The firstborn (over and) of all creation." This would make the translation very interpretive here, but more clear, at least. I personally would have no problem with this translation because, in this case, "firstborn" does mean both first in time and first in rank in the priority of God's children.
Many Trinitarian translations will honestly translate this as "firstborn of all creation." This is proper, and a Trinitarian may say, "well yes, of course the human nature of Jesus is of creation." That would be true and consistent with their position. However, Jesus did not have a human nature in Genesis creation, and it would make little sense to speak of what Jesus does in his divine nature (namely, creating) after having pointed directly to his human nature. If a Trinitarian takes this approach, it poses no threats to their doctrine to say that this passage is strictly about the human Jesus, but it does mean that this can't be used to argue for their case that Jesus is God. This must be about new creation.
Still, what of those Arians and JWs who think that this means "the first thing God ever created?" They believe that the divine nature of Jesus was of creation as God's first creation. This gives them the freedom to say both that Jesus was the creator in Genesis and the first "of" the creation. Does this work? As we will see in more detail later, no. Not only does the present tense verb tell us something about the present tense Jesus, and not only has Paul just told us in the preceding verses that the "kingdom of his Son" is on his mind, but verse 18 clarifies what Paul means even more explicitly. "He is the firstborn from the dead." Paul is talking about Jesus' birth from the dead, in which Jesus was begotten again by God (Acts 13:30-33). This would make sense if "the image of the invisible God" refers to the Spirit in which Jesus was raised from the dead in. Paul, in this verse, is saying: After his death, Jesus was raised in Spirit. He is the image of God because he is God's Spirit, and this happened as his birth from the dead, of which he is the firstborn of that creation.
Colossians 1:16

For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him.

First, we must deal with this translation. "For by him," or, "for in him?" It is "in him" ἐν. This is a very common expression in Paul, and it is also used by John. Look at how often this phrase is used just in this chapter, either, "in him, in whom," or "in Christ" (Colossians 1:2, 4, 14, 16, 17, 19, 28, and also "in his body," verse 22). This is consistently translated as "in" in all these other verses. Why would they change it here? In the BLB (the version quoted above), there is a footnote on this word. It reads: "That is, by means of, or in."
This completely misses the point, to translate this as "by him." We are not talking about what was created by Christ, we are talking about what was created "in Christ." We are talking about the reconciliation and the kingdom. The things reconciled and recreated in him are these things. This is why the very next verse uses this "in him" language again.
What does it mean to be "in Christ?" It is very clear that even many translators of the Bible do not know. John makes it very clear for us. "And the one keeping His commandments abides in Him, and He in him. And by this we know that He abides in us: by the Spirit whom He has given to us" (1 John 3:24). We are in him, and he in us when we have his Spirit. We keep noticing this Spirit language coming up in our exposition of this passage in Colossians. When we are "in Christ," it means that we are following his commandments and have his Spirit in us (compare Colossians 1:19 and 2:10).
Paul makes it very clear that "anyone in Christ is a new creation" (2 Corinthians 5:17). If anything in him is a new creation, and all things were "created in him," we must necessarily be talking about a new creation. It is a creation that is "in him," after all.
The first objection usually raised against this: "But why does it say that all things were created in him if it isn't about past Genesis creation? Isn't the new creation future or present?"
The new creation was already past tense for Paul when he wrote this letter, as was it for his audience, made clear by his opening greetings in this letter. They had already become new creations in Christ (compare also Ephesians 2:8-10). The new creation began in the ministry of Jesus, truly. However in this case, the new creation began when Jesus was lifted up into heaven to sit at God's right hand, and he began to create a new heavenly arrangement in his kingdom, and reign as king over his church here on the earth. This is what Paul is talking about. What Christ did at his inauguration and after having been given authority over heaven and earth. Yes, these things "were" created in 33 AD when Jesus ascended. The kingdom. Just because there is more to new creation to come does not mean he would not use the past tense to refer to what Christ has already done.
The second objection: "But it says all things. If that just means everything that was created, this can't be about new creation."
All things "in him." Not everything imaginable. All things that were created in him. Further, it goes on to list and describe those things. "Whether things in heaven or on earth." Notice that it does not describe the creation of heaven and earth. "All things" comes in a context. A few verses later, Paul says that the gospel has been preached "in all creation." Has the gospel, even in this day, been preached to every single created thing in the universe? No. If it is in Christ, it is a new creation. If it is in Christ, it has been recreated. If it is in Christ, it has been reconciled to God. Because he is the one "in whom we have redemption from sins."
The third objection: "But it doesn't say 'new creation.' It just says creation."
This is an argument from absence. Just because Paul didn't use an exact term does not mean that it wasn't what he meant. He gives us several ways to see why and how he means the new creation. Paul has spoken at length already in his letters about this new creation. Did he need to specify it every time? And also, he did. When he said "in him." If being "in Christ" means that it is redeemed from the old, then nothing created in Genesis could be reconciled and redeemed "in him." The creation had not yet fallen to be "in him."
These objections are very weak. As we will see, Paul gives us much fuel for fighting the fire of "this must be Genesis creation." The very word "create" is a word that is used to refer to a kingdom being instituted. Take 1 Peter 2:13, for example: "Be subject for the Lord’s sake to every human institution (κτίσει), whether it be to the emperor as supreme." A human "creation," necessarily referring to a human kingdom or government. If Colossians 1:13 is talking about the kingdom of Christ, why should it surprise us if Colossians 1:15-18 is going to speak about the creation of that kingdom? Notice the parallel between Peter and Paul. "A human institution whether it be to the emperor as supreme." "For in him all things were created, whether they be rulers..."
In Genesis creation, what things did we read that God created? Light, sky, water, trees, animals. Did we see any "thrones or rulers or dominions or authorities" being created? No. The visible and invisible authorities being created are heavenly offices, necessary for building a heavenly kingdom and the visible earthly offices, that is, the church. This is why verse 18 says, "He is the head of the body, the church."
This verse is talking about that which Jesus set up in heaven and on earth, those things visible and invisible, when he ascended to heaven and gained "all authority in heaven and on earth" (Matthew 28:18, compare Daniel 7:13-14). He created these authority structures, which operate under him as their king. The head of all things.
Colossians 1:17:

And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

When people read "before all things," generally, they are reading "all things" still under the false assumption dealt with above that this is everything created in Genesis creation. They also read "before" these things as a reference to time. "Jesus/the Son existed before everything was created." It is amazing that they will take "firstborn" to mean the firstborn in rank, and yet it never occurs to them to take "before" as a reference to anything other than "before in time." Read Acts 12:14. Peter was standing before the gate. Does that mean Peter stood in the same place until the gate was built, and Peter existed before the gate was made? No. Jesus is before all things in rank because he is the head of all things. He's the king of this kingdom.
Notice the "in him" language once again. All things hold together "in him." Again, we are talking about reconciled creation. Creation in Christ. This is not about Genesis creation spiraling out of control if not for the power of Jesus holding the universe together. Where did anyone get the idea that on God's day of rest, he was working to keep the universe held in order? The universe is in motion, it much like a top that once it begins to spin, it spins until it needs to be readjusted. It is not like a ball with a string swinging until someone lets go and stops controlling it. This statement is often compared to that of Hebrews 1:3, "sustaining all things by his powerful word." However, even in this verse you'll notice, it goes on to say, "After he had provided purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty in heaven." After he made purification for sins. That is, after his death on the cross. This reflects what Paul goes on to say in Colossians 1:20, "to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross." Jesus sustains all things after having died for our sins.
Colossians 1:18:

And he is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything he might be preeminent.

The head holds the body together. The head is the controlling force of the body. Similarly, as head of the body, all things in the body of Christ hold together because of their head. Paul tells us what he means in verse 17 in the next phrase. The church is the body of Christ. Christ is raised in the Spirit, with a body of Spirit, clothed in Spirit, so when we have the indwelling of the same Spirit, we are the spiritual body of a Spiritual Christ.
"He is the beginning." Think about this and read Mark 1:1. There is a new beginning in Jesus Christ. A new creation that parallels the first. This is why John portrays Jesus as resurrecting on the 8th day, the first day of a new week, a new creative week (John 20:1).
"The firstborn from the dead." This is the beginning of that new creation. The gospel message points us to this. When we receive and accept the gospel, we receive a down-payment of what is to come in resurrection. We become a new creation, a new kind of humanity along with Christ. "The firstborn of creation" is to be the firstborn of the dead because the dead become a new creation if they are in God as Jesus was, or in Christ as we are to be.
"That in everything, he might be preeminent." Self-evident.
Colossians 1:19-23

For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross. And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him, if indeed you continue in the faith, stable and steadfast, not shifting from the hope of the gospel that you heard, which has been proclaimed in all creation under heaven, and of which I, Paul, became a minister.

Ask yourself why this is here. Why did Paul choose to complete his statement about Jesus and creation with this? God was in Christ reconciliating all things to himself, "whether in heaven or on earth." It is in the body of Jesus that was nailed to the cross that we are reconciled. This whole creation passage is explicitly about reconciliation to God. We are being reconciled to God in Christ. This passage has nothing at all to do with Genesis creation.
"How can you say this is not about Genesis creation?"

• 1 - This passage of scripture is speaking of the glory of Christ and our relationship in him after his resurrection, because the next chapter is leading up to a discussion on the empty philosophy of the old covenant judaizers who are trying to persuade people to come under a law which was nailed to the cross (Colossians 2:8-15). Speaking about Jesus and Genesis creation would not prove the point.
  
• 2 - Context makes it clear that Paul is speaking of and talking about the kingdom, which Jesus received after his resurrection. Verse 13, "He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son."
  
• 3 - Verse 14 makes this clear by speaking about our reconciliation in him, which necessarily refers to Jesus post resurrection.
  
• 4 - Verse 15 uses the present tense verb, indicating this is about the present risen Christ, who is different from the Jesus who died in Pauline theology (see 2 Corinthians 5:16-17).
  
• 5 - Verse 16 says that creation is "in him." Genesis creation was not "in Christ."
  
• 6 - Verse 16 also tells us what exactly was created, along with the context. "Things in heaven and things on earth... thrones, rulers, dominions, authorities, the church. These are not in the Genesis creation account.
  
• 7 - Verse 17 again uses a present tense verb to speak of what Christ is doing, not what he was doing in Genesis creation.
  
• 8 - Verse 18 makes it clear that Christ, being the head of the body, the church, is relevant to this passage. Christ and the Church were not present points of comparison in the Genesis creation act.
  
• 9 - Verse 18 tells us that this "firstborn" language refers to his being the "firstborn from the dead," an explicit reference to his resurrection.
  
• 10 - The scripture has no need to say that he "might become" preeminent if he is the creator of Genesis creation. He doesn't need to become, he would already be.
  
• 11 - Verse 20 restates verse 16 in part, making it clear that Paul is talking about his reconciliation of "all things," Genesis creation did not need to be reconciled.
  
• 12 - The parallel passages in Ephesians do not make any references to Genesis creation, and even though it is a parallel to what's talked about in Colossians, people never cite it to make these arguments. Why? Because it makes it undeniably clear (as Colossians should) that Paul was not talking about Genesis creation, but a reconciliation of all creation.
  

I’ve tried a similar discussion before, but failed to word it well. I’m hoping to do better this time.
I’d like to hear more from those who walked away from evangelical Christianity and became progressive Christians.
Do you have a faith community? If so, what does it look like?
How do you approach the Bible? Infallible or just inspired?
Do you believe in the literal virgin birth, miracles, and resurrection? Heaven and hell?
No judgement here—just seeking.
Self-disclosure: I personally identify as a “hopeful agnostic,” and my practice of religion is very much in the vein of theologians like John Shelby Spong, Matthew Fox, and others who see benefit in a non-literal, universal approach to Christianity.
Personally, I tried secular humanism for over two decades, but I feel the primary humanist organizations in the US have become more focused on protesting religion than promoting a humanistic worldview. Frankly, I’m finding more of what I consider to be a humanistic approach in progressive faith communities.
Thanks, all.

وَنَفْسٍ وَمَا سَوَّاهَا فَأَلْهَمَهَا فُجُورَهَا وَتَقْوَاهَا قَدْ أَفْلَحَ مَنْ زَكَّاهَا وَقَدْ خَابَ مَنْ دَسَّاهَا (91: 7-10) And the soul bears witness and the perfection given to it, then [God] inspired it with its evil and its good that he succeeded who purified it and he failed who corrupted it. (91:7-10)

What is the means through which a person can know what good and evil is? This is the most fundamental question of moral philosophy. In the above quoted verses, the Qur’an has made it clear that just as the Almighty has blessed a person with eyes to see and ears to hear, similarly, he has blessed him with a faculty which distinguishes good and evil for him. A person is not mere body and intellect. He is also a moral being. This means that the ability to distinguish good from evil and the appreciation that good is good and evil is evil is innately ordained in him. In some other verses of the Qur’an, this aspect is referred to as: إِنَّا هَدَيْنَاهُ السَّبِيلَ (76: 3) (We inspired in him the way of good and evil, (76:3)) and (90: 10) وَهَدَيْنَاهُ النَّجْدَيْنِ (have We not shown him both paths? (90:10)). This appreciation of good from evil is a universal reality. Thus when the most evil of persons does something wrong, he tries to hide it in the first phase. When Adam’s son, Cain, tried to hide the body of his brother, Abel, after killing him, it was because he knew that he had committed a sin. Same is the case with good. A person loves what is good and respects and reveres it. When he establishes a society, he always sets up a system of justice in it. This is ample testimony of his innate ability to distinguish between good and evil. No doubt, at times, a person may justify a sin he commits, however, at the very time he invents excuses for this justification, he very well knows that he is inventing these excuses against his nature. The reason for this is that if someone else commits the same sin against him, he regards it to be an evil without any hesitation, and vehemently protests against that person. The Prophet (sws) is reported to have said: “Virtue is professing high morals and sin is that which pricks your heart and you would not like others to come to know of it.” [1] It is this part of a person that the Qur’an has termed as nafs-i lawwamah (the reproaching soul) [2] and has unequivocally stated:

بَلْ الْإِنسَانُ عَلَى نَفْسِهِ بَصِيرَةٌ وَلَوْ أَلْقَى مَعَاذِيرَهُ (75: 14-15) In fact, [in reality] man himself is a witness upon his own self however much he may put up excuses. (75:14-15)

However, in the interpretation of this innate ability to distinguish between good and evil, there could have been differences because of different circumstances and periods of time and because of a variation in perception between people themselves. It is a great blessing of the Almighty that He has not even left any possibility for such differences and wherever there could have been a likelihood of any major difference, He delineated good and evil through His messengers. The guidance provided by these messengers is now eternally enshrined in the Qur’an. This guidance testifies to whatever a person finds within himself. Furthermore, man’s intuitive knowledge, in fact even his empirical knowledge, knowledge derived from natural and physical laws as well as knowledge derived from intellect all bear witness to it. Consequently, good and bad morals, as a result of this, can be fully ascertained.
In some narratives, this aspect has been explained through a parable: A straight path leads to the destination a person wants to reach. At both its sides are high walls. Both have doors in them on which curtains are hung. At the end of the path, there is a caller calling out to enter and to walk straight. In spite of this, if a person wants to lift the curtains of the doors in the right and left walls, a caller from the top says: “Beware! Do not lift the curtains. If you lift them, you will go inside.” It was explained: This path is Islam, the walls are the limits prescribed by God, and doors are His prohibitions. The caller from the top is the counsellor of God which is found in the heart of every human being, and the caller at the end of the path is the Qur’an: [3]

إِنَّ هَـذَا الْقُرْآنَ يَهْدِي لِلَّتِي هِيَ أَقْوَمُ وَيُبَشِّرُ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ الَّذِينَ يَعْمَلُونَ الصَّالِحَاتِ أَنَّ لَهُمْ أَجْرًا كَبِيرًا (9:17) Indeed this Qur’an gives guidance to the path which is the most upright and gives glad tidings of a great reward to those among its believers who do good deeds. (17:9)

The second question is: What is the real motive which impels a person to purify his morals? The answer which the Qur’an has given to this question in the verses (91:7-10) quoted earlier is that this motive is a person’s perception which, on the basis of this very innate cognizance of good and evil, says that the results of good and evil cannot be the same. He feels that the very existence of the perception of good being good and evil being evil entails that the result of good should be good and that of evil should be evil. It becomes evident from this that a person will not be left unaccountable for his deeds; he will definitely be rewarded or punished as a result of his deeds. In these referred to verses, the Qur’an has referred to this fate as success and failure respectively. As a result of this, the feelings of fear and hope arise in a person and become a source and motivation for him to cleanse his morals even though his natural inclinations oppose this. Then when a person professes faith, this feeling relates to the Almighty. It is now that the Qur’an requires of him that the real motive of adhering to good morals and refraining from evil morals should only be the love of God, His pleasure and the fear of His displeasure – the God who knows the unseen, Who knows the secrets and is fully aware of every movement that goes on in this world as well as the slightest of change that takes place in the minds and hearts. The Qur’an has stated this aspect at many places. At one instance, after emphasizing the fulfilment of obligations, it says:

فَآتِ ذَا الْقُرْبَى حَقَّهُ وَالْمِسْكِينَ وَابْنَ السَّبِيلِ ذَلِكَ خَيْرٌ لِّلَّذِينَ يُرِيدُونَ وَجْهَ اللَّهِ وَأُوْلَئِكَ هُمُ الْمُفْلِحُونَ (38:30) So give their due to the next of kin, to the destitute, and to the traveller. That is best for those who want to please God; and it is these who shall surely prosper. (30:38)

The best examples of people in whom these morals are personified are the prophets of God. About the Prophet Muhammad (sws), the Qur’an says:

الَّذِي يُؤْتِي مَالَهُ يَتَزَكَّى وَمَا لِأَحَدٍ عِنْدَهُ مِنْ نِعْمَةٍ تُجْزَى إِلَّا ابْتِغَاءَ وَجْهِ رَبِّهِ الْأَعْلَى(92: 18 -20) Who spends his wealth to purify his soul, and does not confer favours on anyone for recompense but only to seek the countenance of his Lord, Most High. (92:18-20)

It is generally accepted that the foundation of good deeds is good intention. The Prophet (sws) has also referred to this fact in these subtle words: إنَّما الأَعْمَال بالنِّياَت (the deeds of a person are based on his intentions). [4] This motive cleanses a person’s intentions completely. Thus none of his deeds after this is for show and pretence, and if it is, then he soon or late tries to cleanse it of such filth.
The most effective explanation of this directive of the Qur’an is reported by Abu Hurayrah (rta). He narrates from the Prophet (sws) that on the Day of Reckoning the foremost among people whose fate shall be decided would be scholars of the Qur’an or those who had been killed in jihad or those who had been blessed with wealth by the Almighty. They shall be brought over and the Almighty will remind them of His favours. They will acknowledge these favours. The Almighty will then inquire from them: “What did you do in benefiting from them?” The scholar will reply: “I was educated and then I educated others and recited the Qur’an before other people to call them towards You.” The soldier will say: “I fought in Your way and was killed.” The rich person will say: “I spent on every occasion on which you are pleased on spending.” The Almighty will say: “All of this was done by you so that people should call you a scholar, a brave person and a generous person [respectively]; so you have been called so in the world.” It shall thus be ordered and they shall be dragged faceward into Hell. [5]
The third question which relates to moral philosophy is: What is the objective of this effort? Scholars have given different answers to this question. One group thinks that it is happiness. Another group is of the opinion that it is perfection. A third regards it to be an obligation for the sake of it. The above quoted verses (91:7-10) clearly say that this objective is purification as a result of which man shall be bestowed with God’s eternal kingdom. A little deliberation shows that this answer of the Qur’an automatically encompasses all the viewpoints of moral scholars just referred to. This is because it is through purification of faith and deeds that a person achieves perfection; true happiness is also achieved through this and if ever an obligation is discharged without any greed, then it is through this. It is this state of the soul which the Qur’an calls the “contented soul” and gives it glad tidings of being the recipient of the pleasure of God and vice versa:

يَاأَيَّتُهَا النَّفْسُ الْمُطْمَئِنَّةُ ارْجِعِي إِلَى رَبِّكِ رَاضِيَةً مَرْضِيَّةً فَادْخُلِي فِي عِبَادِي وادْخُلِي جَنَّتِي(89 :27-30) O you whose heart remained content [with his Lord in times of comfort and distress]! Return unto your Lord, such that He is pleased with you and you are pleased with Him. [Return] and enter among My servants and enter My Paradise. (89:27-30)

Imam Amin Ahsan Islahi writes:

… these words are a tribute from God. They shall be addressed to people who shall be congratulated for achieving great success in the sphere they had been tested by their Lord. They have returned to their Lord with the achievement that they have proven in good and bad circumstances that they were content with the will of their Lord and at the same time they have been granted the coveted status of being the favoured ones of the Lord. Just as they have never complained to Him at any stage, in the same manner their Lord has not found them below His standards at any stage. They are pleased with Him and He is pleased with them. [6]

A chapter from the book Meezan by Javed Ghamidi.
[1]. Muslim, Al-Jami‘ al-sahih, 1120, (no. 6516). [2]. 75:2. [3]. Al-Tirmidhi, Sunan, vol. 4, 539-540, (no. 2859); Ahmad ibn Hanbal, Musnad, vol. 5, 198, (no. 17182). [4]. Al-Bukhari, Al-Jami‘ al-sahih, 1, (no. 1); Muslim, Al-Jami‘ al-sahih, 853, (no. 4927). [5]. Muslim, Al-Jami‘ al-sahih, 852-853, (no. 4923). [6]. Amin Ahsan Islahi, Tadabbur-i Qur’an, vol. 9, 362.

وَنَفْسٍ وَمَا سَوَّاهَا فَأَلْهَمَهَا فُجُورَهَا وَتَقْوَاهَا قَدْ أَفْلَحَ مَنْ زَكَّاهَا وَقَدْ خَابَ مَنْ دَسَّاهَا (91: 7-10)
And the soul bears witness and the perfection given to it, then [God] inspired it with its evil and its good that he succeeded who purified it and he failed who corrupted it. (91:7-10)

What is the means through which a person can know what good and evil is? This is the most fundamental question of moral philosophy. In the above quoted verses, the Qur’an has made it clear that just as the Almighty has blessed a person with eyes to see and ears to hear, similarly, he has blessed him with a faculty which distinguishes good and evil for him. A person is not mere body and intellect. He is also a moral being. This means that the ability to distinguish good from evil and the appreciation that good is good and evil is evil is innately ordained in him. In some other verses of the Qur’an, this aspect is referred to as: إِنَّا هَدَيْنَاهُ السَّبِيلَ (76: 3) (We inspired in him the way of good and evil, (76:3)) and (90: 10) وَهَدَيْنَاهُ النَّجْدَيْنِ (have We not shown him both paths? (90:10)). This appreciation of good from evil is a universal reality. Thus when the most evil of persons does something wrong, he tries to hide it in the first phase. When Adam’s son, Cain, tried to hide the body of his brother, Abel, after killing him, it was because he knew that he had committed a sin. Same is the case with good. A person loves what is good and respects and reveres it. When he establishes a society, he always sets up a system of justice in it. This is ample testimony of his innate ability to distinguish between good and evil. No doubt, at times, a person may justify a sin he commits, however, at the very time he invents excuses for this justification, he very well knows that he is inventing these excuses against his nature. The reason for this is that if someone else commits the same sin against him, he regards it to be an evil without any hesitation, and vehemently protests against that person. The Prophet (sws) is reported to have said: “Virtue is professing high morals and sin is that which pricks your heart and you would not like others to come to know of it.” [1] It is this part of a person that the Qur’an has termed as nafs-i lawwamah (the reproaching soul) [2] and has unequivocally stated:

بَلْ الْإِنسَانُ عَلَى نَفْسِهِ بَصِيرَةٌ وَلَوْ أَلْقَى مَعَاذِيرَهُ (75: 14-15)
In fact, [in reality] man himself is a witness upon his own self however much he may put up excuses. (75:14-15)

However, in the interpretation of this innate ability to distinguish between good and evil, there could have been differences because of different circumstances and periods of time and because of a variation in perception between people themselves. It is a great blessing of the Almighty that He has not even left any possibility for such differences and wherever there could have been a likelihood of any major difference, He delineated good and evil through His messengers. The guidance provided by these messengers is now eternally enshrined in the Qur’an. This guidance testifies to whatever a person finds within himself. Furthermore, man’s intuitive knowledge, in fact even his empirical knowledge, knowledge derived from natural and physical laws as well as knowledge derived from intellect all bear witness to it. Consequently, good and bad morals, as a result of this, can be fully ascertained.
In some narratives, this aspect has been explained through a parable: A straight path leads to the destination a person wants to reach. At both its sides are high walls. Both have doors in them on which curtains are hung. At the end of the path, there is a caller calling out to enter and to walk straight. In spite of this, if a person wants to lift the curtains of the doors in the right and left walls, a caller from the top says: “Beware! Do not lift the curtains. If you lift them, you will go inside.” It was explained: This path is Islam, the walls are the limits prescribed by God, and doors are His prohibitions. The caller from the top is the counsellor of God which is found in the heart of every human being, and the caller at the end of the path is the Qur’an: [3]

إِنَّ هَـذَا الْقُرْآنَ يَهْدِي لِلَّتِي هِيَ أَقْوَمُ وَيُبَشِّرُ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ الَّذِينَ يَعْمَلُونَ الصَّالِحَاتِ أَنَّ لَهُمْ أَجْرًا كَبِيرًا (9:17)
Indeed this Qur’an gives guidance to the path which is the most upright and gives glad tidings of a great reward to those among its believers who do good deeds. (17:9)

The second question is: What is the real motive which impels a person to purify his morals? The answer which the Qur’an has given to this question in the verses (91:7-10) quoted earlier is that this motive is a person’s perception which, on the basis of this very innate cognizance of good and evil, says that the results of good and evil cannot be the same. He feels that the very existence of the perception of good being good and evil being evil entails that the result of good should be good and that of evil should be evil. It becomes evident from this that a person will not be left unaccountable for his deeds; he will definitely be rewarded or punished as a result of his deeds. In these referred to verses, the Qur’an has referred to this fate as success and failure respectively. As a result of this, the feelings of fear and hope arise in a person and become a source and motivation for him to cleanse his morals even though his natural inclinations oppose this. Then when a person professes faith, this feeling relates to the Almighty. It is now that the Qur’an requires of him that the real motive of adhering to good morals and refraining from evil morals should only be the love of God, His pleasure and the fear of His displeasure – the God who knows the unseen, Who knows the secrets and is fully aware of every movement that goes on in this world as well as the slightest of change that takes place in the minds and hearts. The Qur’an has stated this aspect at many places. At one instance, after emphasizing the fulfilment of obligations, it says:

فَآتِ ذَا الْقُرْبَى حَقَّهُ وَالْمِسْكِينَ وَابْنَ السَّبِيلِ ذَلِكَ خَيْرٌ لِّلَّذِينَ يُرِيدُونَ وَجْهَ اللَّهِ وَأُوْلَئِكَ هُمُ الْمُفْلِحُونَ (38:30)
So give their due to the next of kin, to the destitute, and to the traveller. That is best for those who want to please God; and it is these who shall surely prosper. (30:38)

The best examples of people in whom these morals are personified are the prophets of God. About the Prophet Muhammad (sws), the Qur’an says:

الَّذِي يُؤْتِي مَالَهُ يَتَزَكَّى وَمَا لِأَحَدٍ عِنْدَهُ مِنْ نِعْمَةٍ تُجْزَى إِلَّا ابْتِغَاءَ وَجْهِ رَبِّهِ الْأَعْلَى(92: 18 -20)
Who spends his wealth to purify his soul, and does not confer favours on anyone for recompense but only to seek the countenance of his Lord, Most High. (92:18-20)

It is generally accepted that the foundation of good deeds is good intention. The Prophet (sws) has also referred to this fact in these subtle words: إنَّما الأَعْمَال بالنِّياَت (the deeds of a person are based on his intentions). [4] This motive cleanses a person’s intentions completely. Thus none of his deeds after this is for show and pretence, and if it is, then he soon or late tries to cleanse it of such filth.
The most effective explanation of this directive of the Qur’an is reported by Abu Hurayrah (rta). He narrates from the Prophet (sws) that on the Day of Reckoning the foremost among people whose fate shall be decided would be scholars of the Qur’an or those who had been killed in jihad or those who had been blessed with wealth by the Almighty. They shall be brought over and the Almighty will remind them of His favours. They will acknowledge these favours. The Almighty will then inquire from them: “What did you do in benefiting from them?” The scholar will reply: “I was educated and then I educated others and recited the Qur’an before other people to call them towards You.” The soldier will say: “I fought in Your way and was killed.” The rich person will say: “I spent on every occasion on which you are pleased on spending.” The Almighty will say: “All of this was done by you so that people should call you a scholar, a brave person and a generous person [respectively]; so you have been called so in the world.” It shall thus be ordered and they shall be dragged faceward into Hell. [5]
The third question which relates to moral philosophy is: What is the objective of this effort? Scholars have given different answers to this question. One group thinks that it is happiness. Another group is of the opinion that it is perfection. A third regards it to be an obligation for the sake of it. The above quoted verses (91:7-10) clearly say that this objective is purification as a result of which man shall be bestowed with God’s eternal kingdom. A little deliberation shows that this answer of the Qur’an automatically encompasses all the viewpoints of moral scholars just referred to. This is because it is through purification of faith and deeds that a person achieves perfection; true happiness is also achieved through this and if ever an obligation is discharged without any greed, then it is through this. It is this state of the soul which the Qur’an calls the “contented soul” and gives it glad tidings of being the recipient of the pleasure of God and vice versa:

يَاأَيَّتُهَا النَّفْسُ الْمُطْمَئِنَّةُ ارْجِعِي إِلَى رَبِّكِ رَاضِيَةً مَرْضِيَّةً فَادْخُلِي فِي عِبَادِي وادْخُلِي جَنَّتِي(89 :27-30)
O you whose heart remained content [with his Lord in times of comfort and distress]! Return unto your Lord, such that He is pleased with you and you are pleased with Him. [Return] and enter among My servants and enter My Paradise. (89:27-30)

Imam Amin Ahsan Islahi writes:

… these words are a tribute from God. They shall be addressed to people who shall be congratulated for achieving great success in the sphere they had been tested by their Lord. They have returned to their Lord with the achievement that they have proven in good and bad circumstances that they were content with the will of their Lord and at the same time they have been granted the coveted status of being the favoured ones of the Lord. Just as they have never complained to Him at any stage, in the same manner their Lord has not found them below His standards at any stage. They are pleased with Him and He is pleased with them.
[6]

​
A chapter from the book Meezan by Javed Ghamidi.

[1]. Muslim, Al-Jami‘ al-sahih, 1120, (no. 6516). [2]. 75:2. [3]. Al-Tirmidhi, Sunan, vol. 4, 539-540, (no. 2859); Ahmad ibn Hanbal, Musnad, vol. 5, 198, (no. 17182). [4]. Al-Bukhari, Al-Jami‘ al-sahih, 1, (no. 1); Muslim, Al-Jami‘ al-sahih, 853, (no. 4927). [5]. Muslim, Al-Jami‘ al-sahih, 852-853, (no. 4923). [6]. Amin Ahsan Islahi, Tadabbur-i Qur’an, vol. 9, 362.

Last night, I decided to listen to some Douglas Harding content called Knowledge of the Outside World (from the Waking Up app). Going into the episode, I was feeling a bit anxious and apprehensive, but I wanted to do my typical mediation / inquiry. Then, while listening, something clicked. Suddenly all of my fear and borders dropped away. Awareness became as clear as it could be, and for the first time in a long time I was simply existing as experience. There was no triangulation, no selfing; the center dropped out. I went to bed feeling total equanimity, fueled by a sense of renewal and clarity.
Fast forward to now and this feeling has not only left me, but been replaced by its exact opposite. Everything seems shattered and broken, with my own awareness feeling separated from the world. It’s almost like I’m experiencing the “science” of sensations rather than direct awareness of them apart from concepts. For example, take vision. Right now I can’t stop seeing vision as a mental image created by light waves hitting the eye and being translated by the brain, thus appearing within consciousness. Something repels me about the idea of vision being nothing more than an interpretive appearance inside my mind rather than my eyes seeing into and connecting with the world. I can’t quite pinpoint why this feeling bothers me so much, because I know it doesn’t fundamentally change anything about my direct sensual experience. I guess it makes me feel like I’m living in a world of representation, or translation, rather than direct experience.
When I type all this out I know it sounds crazy, because how else would we experience the world except through our brain? I guess what I’m getting at is that now I’m feeling very separate from the world, rather than being in harmonious union with it.
I hope this makes some sense. I guess all of this is to say that if you have any words of wisdom, please share them. Maybe a turn of phrase, or a different perspective that could help pull me out of this snare. Thank you!

For some reason this forum is populated by agnostics or would be agnostics who still cling to some Christian faith and lack the knowledge to fully live in the agnostic tradition. Cannot figure it out. But, if you need inspiration read Bertrand Russell’s, “Why I am Not A Christian.”
Too many people are reading the Bible and nothing else. They don’t read science, psychology, philosophy, medicine, economics, classic literature, or even Christian books besides the Bible. What’s up with that? It seems self limiting….

For context, I've been self harming now for 8 years since I was 17 (25 now). I self harm to cope with painful emotions if my normal ways to manage the urges don't work. Luckily not too often (like once every few weeks/months).
I told her I self harmed once, and she said if I do it again to tell her, but she'll have no choice but to go to her boss (regional manager) and send me to occupational health. My mind interpreted this as a threat and I'm scared to tell her.
I've self harmed a few times after that and never told her as I was in therapy at the time.
I'm now not in therapy and self harmed last night (painful emotions again - trigger is feeling self conscious after getting my hair done and anxiety levels being high and feeling like nothing I was doing was reducing the anxiety).
Do I tell her or keep this a secret?