I've fairly consistently got one enneagram type on all the tests I've ever taken (won't say what to avoid bias) but I'd like to be typed by actual people who understand how it works. I don't fully trust the tests, plus a lot of times, for me at least, my answers to their questions are more nuanced than I can input. I haven't done loads of research into enneagram myself and I want to hear others' opinions before I seriously look into it in case I'm harboring personal bias. Although if you can give me pointers on typing oneself or others I'd appreciate it! Thank you in advance for any help
• How old are you? What's your gender? Give us a general description of yourself 23, female that thought I was a trans guy but now I'm back to questioning. I mentioned a lot about myself in the other questions and I'm not sure what else would be relevant if you have any other questions lmk.
• Is there a medical diagnosis that may impact your mental stability somehow? Yes, but I'm capable of writing my answers so as to avoid this interfering with my typing and I don't wish to be open about my diagnosis, I'll also elaborate if I think something is mental health related or not
• Describe your upbringing. Did it have any kind of religious or structured influence? How did you respond to it? I had a very chaotic family life. My parents divorced early on and my father was largely absent, while my mom had to work a lot to support us, so I was left to my own devices from an early age, which gave me both anxiety and joy. I was also homeschooled by choice from about age nine onwards, before anyone inserts their own assumptions about homeschooling, believe it or not I got more than adequate socialization, I just found that regular school was too...stifling? Boring? I wanted to be able to learn more than I was given in traditional schools. My family was not particularly religious but I was exposed to and interested in Buddhism from my dad's side of the family, and exposed to Catholicism from my mom's side, which I didn't like so much.
• What do you do as a job or as a career (if you have one)? Do you like it? Why or why not? I'm currently a full time pre med student, and working on getting a job in chemical technology and eventually an EMT certification to get an EMT job. I love being a student, learning is one of my favorite things about life. My favorite job previously was a library job which involved a lot of shelving and organizing and I was close with all my coworkers. Obviously I don't know for certain how I'll feel about the future jobs but I'm fairly confident I will love the ones I named, for a variety of reasons but I don't want to make this section too long so just ask if you need more elaboration.
• If you had to spend an entire weekend by yourself, how would you feel? Would you feel lonely or refreshed? In some ways I do enjoy alone time so that I can get some things done without interruption or being imposed other obligations on, but even considering all its downsides I definitely prefer and am energized by being around people.
• What kinds of activities do you prefer? Do you like, and are you good at sports? Do you enjoy any other outdoor or indoor activities? I have so many interests and hobbies I can't list them all. I'm not very good at or into most sports though. For outdoor activities my favorites are hiking, swimming, tidepooling, mushroom hunting. For indoor activities my favorites are writing, videogames, reading, cooking, various things to do with learning.
• How curious are you? Do you have more ideas then you can execute? What are your curiosities about? What are your ideas about - is it environmental or conceptual, and can you please elaborate? I'm extremely curious, I'm always going down research rabbit holes about just about anything as well as trying to learn new skills. I probably have more ideas than I can execute project wise but I certainly try. I also have a lot of ideas in a kind of philosophical way, I'm always having introspective conversations and the like.
• Would you enjoy taking on a leadership position? Do you think you would be good at it? What would your leadership style be? Yes, some things about leadership make me nervous but honestly I am overall more comfortable in a position of leadership than not, given that it is in an area I know enough to make good decisions in. I can definitely be a bit pushy to have things the way I think is best, but overall I try to empower people and help them do their best.
• Are you coordinated? Why do you feel as if you are or are not? Do you enjoy working with your hands in some form? Describe your activity? Physically? Not superbly, it's not terrible but I wish it was better. I'm not 100% sure why it is and it might be because of a medical condition. I do enjoy working with my hands in some ways despite it, such as for knitting, labwork, dissections. But hands on stuff definitely isn't a strong driver for me so much as the other way around: I want to get hands on when something interests me enough, rather than something interesting me because it's hands on
• Are you artistic? If yes, describe your art? If you are not particular artistic but can appreciate art please likewise describe what forums of art you enjoy. Please explain your answer. I'm definitely not artistic in terms of drawing and the like but I'm good at creative writing and love it. I also appreciate art as a whole, but my favorite form to consume is probably music.
• What's your opinion about the past, present, and future? How do you deal with them? This answer will be heavily influenced by mental health so keep that in mind. At times in my life I have excessively dwelt in each over the others, I try to keep a balance now with a bit heavier hand on the present and future than the past. I think all are important for different reasons.
• How do you act when others request your help to do something (anything)? If you would decide to help them, why would you do so? It really depends. I tend to get annoyed but I also consciously try to be helpful for social standing reasons.
• How important is efficiency and productivity to you? Very important because there is so much I want to do and I feel that productivity is often my sustenance.
• Do you control others, even if indirectly? How and why do you do that? Definitely, this is arguably one of my worst traits, but I hope that it is for good outcomes most of the time. I do this directly or indirectly depending on the situation and my relation to them. It can come in the form of slightly forceful guidance, literal commands, or sometimes tactics that are honestly pretty underhanded like subtle comments to push people to see things how I see them or see where they went wrong without them feeling like I directly gave them the idea. I have always tended to be a controlling person, I guess it would be a lot to unpack why and some of it is tied in mental health so if you need further elaboration you can ask a more specific question if needed.
• What are your hobbies? Why do you like them? I already talked about some of my hobbies further up but if I had to boil down why I like them I suppose it's mainly creating/expressing and learning?
• What is your learning style? What kind of learning environments do you struggle with most? Why do you like/struggle with these learning styles? Do you prefer classes involving memorization, logic, creativity, or your physical senses? This is hard because I've actually never been sure what my learning style is. I almost never struggle with learning, the two examples I can think of where I struggled for a bit are physics and plant biology, mainly because of disorganization on my professor's end and having low interest in the subjects already. I think that maybe it was because the way they taught made it harder for me to see the big picture concepts. I definitely try to have a sense of foundation in everything I learn to build things off of.
• How good are you at strategizing? Do you easily break up projects into manageable tasks? Or do you have a tendency to wing projects and improvise as you go? Depends on the time I have available and what it is. Some things it feels wrong to plan to a tee or I don't have time to think about an exact plan, but I certainly like to plan and strategize.
• What are your aspirations in life, professionally and personally? Professionally I want to become a doctor of some sort, which is a recent aspiration of mine, I changed my path from field biology to that because I realized for my level of ambition I would feel stuck, and I realized how many things about the medical field aligned with what I want in life. On a personal level I want to live a life that I can look back on and say wow I did so many different things and explored different things. I also want to have spiritual harmony.
• What are your fears? What makes you uncomfortable? What do you hate? Why? Thinking about how the universe works and the unknowns about it, as well as what happens after death, gives me existential dread but I still think about it because it's also fascinating. I don't solidly fear anything though, I don't think. Anything I think I fear, I also think that if it happens, I'll actually feel fine, as that has been the pattern of my life and I tend to find optimism even in the most hopeless situations, to the point that I will embrace moments of despair. (This might be mental illness related though). I hate stupidity as a whole, and people who are on a moral high horse.
• What do the "highs" in your life look like? When I feel the most free, when I have a lot of things going on. I am busy in the best way possible.
• What do the "lows" in your life look like? When other's actions or mental state have dragged me down. I have to clean up someone else's mess, or they have interfered with something in my life that I need to take back.
• How attached are you to reality? Do you daydream often, or do you pay attention to what's around you? If you do daydream, are you aware of your surroundings while you do so? I definitely pay attention to what's around me and notice a lot of things around me that others might miss, but I'm also a daydreamer, it can fluctuate with how much I do it, but I generally daydream about projects or ideas I have or how future social interactions might go. If my partner is around I might talk through what's on my mind instead of daydreaming.
• Imagine you are alone in a blank, empty room. There is nothing for you to do and no one to talk to. What do you think about? I'd probably take the chance to think through the plotting and characterization of the novel I'm working on writing and see if I get any epiphanies about it. Or I might meditate or visualize something I desire to happen.
• How long do you take to process your emotions? How important are emotions in your life? I'm not a super emotional person and generally at my healthiest I process an emotion very quickly and let it go, or if it's bigger than that channel it into something. I do have anger issues that used to eclipse a lot of my life and manifested physically as fights and destruction and such. I think that emotions aren't that important to me because I don't see my state of being through the lens of emotion so much.
• Do you ever catch yourself agreeing with others just to appease them and keep the conversation going? How often? Why? It depends on the person and setting. I will readily disagree with people I'm close with, in private situations, or if it's a work/school environment where criticism is important and acceptable. But if it's something unimportant, someone I'll never see again, or a very public situation, I'll generally let it be, mainly because of how I want to be seen socially.
• Do you break rules often? Do you think authority should be challenged, or that they know better? If you do break rules, why? Depends on if I think the rules are there for a good enough reason or not. I don't break rules to cut corners, but I break rules if I think that my way is more beneficial, if that makes sense. For example, I won't cheat on schoolwork because I don't think it's beneficial for me in the long run, but I might ignore how I am told to take notes if I know a way that is better for me. I think that authority should be treated with a healthy dose of skepticism and that people should ask questions and know how to think for themselves.

Allright, i know this will be very unpopular, but I personally believe Ubisoft has gotten too much hate on the internet and as soon as they announce something, there is a tendency to have a predisposition to look it in a negative way. Their formula has been copied by so many other games but only seems to be criticized when ubisoft use it. For instance, many camps to be conquered, if it is a far cry game or assassins, you will see a lot of comments critizicing lazy side content. However, other games such as HZD or Tsushima for example, dont seem to be nearly critized for it as much.
My point is that while I can agree to a lot of criticism, I believe there is a predisposition to focus on the negative and ignore the positive side of those games. Assassins Odyssey offered a historical open world full of references to history, much more so than Tsushima. Sure, it is not by any means close to a history lesson at all but idk, i appreciate the thought to include historical figures such as sokrates among others. I think its a nice detail.
Now, when it comes to Watch Dogs Legion, ubisoft has been criticized for copy and pasting their games. What they have done with Legion is IMO nothing short of amazing and they didnt get the praise they deserve fpr trying something new that in my memory no other game has really done.
You can recruit any npc u wanna but not only that. In this game, London feels like the main character. The open world is very well done and npcs have a full schedule and relationships with other london citizens. They all need help and you can profile them and see whats going on in their life. Help them in any way and they join ur cause. While you dont play as them they will follow a schedule: go sleep at home, go to work (staying inside buildings), after go hang out with a friend/family or on a date. Npcs have relatives and favorite people and in case u hurt them, they will hate you and you wont be able to recruit them.
I personally think that the fact npcs have literally full schedules and relationships with other citizens is amazing and allows for infinite possibilities when roleplaying, especially when using permadeath mode. The game is not free of faults at all, story was very very bland, too many repeated minigames, shooting could be improved.... however, i think there is a very strong foundation here which combined with more rpg mechanics and having recruits affect more stats for ur team, could potentially be amazing. Its a shame because I believe the internet dismissed this game as another ubisoft game and the praise for full schedule for npcs plus relationships with other npcs in a massive scale like this was never really given. Ubisoft tried something new and imo they succeded in doing something very unique.

hi, I’ve had strep since Thursday, was scheduled for Friday, Saturday & then i offered to cover someone’s shift Sunday but then got sick, I was wondering if since I already called in and all of the staff knows im sick if I’ll have to do it tomorrow too? it’s just really awkward and I hate having to call and I just don’t want them to think im taking days off for the fun of it.

I'm a (white) foster parent to a black 9mo little girl, and the more her hair grows the more I try to keep up on the best way to care for it. Right now we try to keep it simple since she's an infant-- right now we use Dove's new line of shampoo and conditioner for textured hair (and we make sure to shampoo it no more than twice a week), as well as Shea's baby leave in conditioner for coils and curls. I think she would be considered low or medium porosity hair but honestly I'm a little clueless. Her hair can be a little course (especially the back), and her curl pattern seems to be pretty tight coils.
Our normal routine outside bath days is to spray her hair down with water, add the leave in conditioner, and carefully comb out her curls with a wide comb before just kind of finger styling them into shape. Sometimes we use Shea's coconut oil but not daily(usually twice a week after shampoo days).
We use a satin crib sheet 90% of the time, and we're getting her used to a bonnet but of course she hates it, haha. I have noticed that the hair on the back of her head seems to get more dry/tangled than the rest of her hair. I assumed that's probably normal because she's a wiggle worm when she sleeps and is probably head rubbing, but honestly I'd love feedback to make sure there's nothing we're missing. Every time I try to do research online I feel like I get immediately overwhelmed.
Any help is appreciated!

I VERY much love fashion and everything about expressing ourselves in artistic ways with color, shape, texture, etc to empower ourselves, embody ideals and simply have FUN! This community is a place to share Fashion we love, How To’s, tips and tricks for making different statements work in any environment 💋
Rules: • always be respectful, hate has no place here! • fashion & expression has no gender, absolute rules or confines. We are here to inform, guide and share. Not push our personal bias on others. • spam will be deleted and can lead to being blocked • have fun! 🙌🏽❤️🗣️

I'm 29 and usually play a lot of singleplayer games. Would like to get back into ow2 or survival games like minecraft, raft, 7dtd, ark, or valheim.
About me, I'm pretty chill and laid back. I prefer gaming in groups rather than one on one. Vc is a must. Pleade be around my age.
I have doggies that bark at my house. If ur mean and agressive, please don't bother. No people who ghost or can only play with their boyfriends or hate women
K thanks :)

I was soooo excited to make an account on fet & I was detailed abt what I wanted, what age ppl have to be for me to play w, scenarios/fantasies I want to play out, detailed what I want to do, hard no's, my maybe's, posted in some groups etc. I stated that I wouldnt mind a sub/switch/dom dynamic for now as my role bc Im new & want to explore. Stating no hook ups & wanting a long term thing. Also note that I havent been able to go to an event bc of work. Still looking out tho. They are always at night where I am. Why cant we just get brunch? Lol.
Ive only been on fet for 2 months & I absolutely hate it. Men view me as a kink dispenser. Disrespectful off the bat asking me to do things that are hard no's. Think that asking me for pics/vids/quickies are ok even tho its on my profile in detail what I want. Some read it & still dont care, some dont. Its SO hard to get a woman/femme to reply back even if they state they want female partners.
Recently I thought I met a respectful guy to converse w & it was going well. Stated he was a sub & likes ball busting which is something I am interested in. He saw my post stating that I wanted to grope someone out in public. Me doing the groping & the other receiving it. Well, one day when we were messaging back & forth abt what we want, he said that hes interested in my post & still wanted to grope me... which isnt what I put. This irritated me. Just another person that truly didnt read what I put & my post was long too w times of day I wanted, where & how.
Wth is wrong w ppl esp the men on there. Im honestly so done w it all together & I literally just started.

help me find this fic, I read it a long time ago and out of nowhere my brain remembered it and now I want to reread it. Her plot was as follows, what if there was another reason why Severus hated Sirius? during the fifth year sirius pulled a prank that would win severus's heart only to later publicly reveal that it was all a prank. the fanfiction starts in the prisoner of askaban then jumps to deathly relics for the scene of Severus's death, only that after dying severus is in the fifth year, and while teenage sirius tries to conquer him, severus tries to kill Voldemort and run away from sirius .

help me find this fic, I read it a long time ago and out of nowhere my brain remembered it and now I want to reread it. Her plot was as follows, what if there was another reason why Severus hated Sirius? during the fifth year sirius pulled a prank that would win severus's heart only to later publicly reveal that it was all a prank. the fanfiction starts in the prisoner of askaban then jumps to deathly relics for the scene of Severus's death, only that after dying severus is in the fifth year, and while teenage sirius tries to conquer him, severus tries to kill Voldemort and run away from sirius .

this goes for all of you, On every single platform I've ever made "friends" on. Screw all of you that Ghosted me on Xbox and on discord and wherever else.
If I could put all of you into one single group chat and do something to it to make it where you cannot leave i would so I could tell each and every one of you how I felt when you stopped talking to me.
I did nothing but try to be a good friend just to get my trust issues played with.
I hope you fake people who've ghosted me realize because of you I hate people. You've ruined people for me back in 2018-2019 and I hope you feel good about yourselves.
Never even got a reason, you just got up one day and thought to yourself "Hmm I'ma stop talking to so and so for no reason"
Screw you all.

Please do not bombard mod creator with hate for it not being perfect. It is only an early release. I don't want to see this go along like the Strike Wvyern. We will almost certainly never see that again.

I’ve been trying to get and stay away from MLMs and the last time to sever is Plexus. I use the Active drink packets and I actually really like them, but I hate how toxic, predatory, and bad MLMs are and don’t want to support them. I’m trying to find an alternative to switch to but there’s so much Plexus stuff in the internet searching hasn’t produced much other then how “great” Plexus is 😒
Has anyone found an alternative that could help me replace this product and be free of all MLMs?

Im interested in buying the game but I know it says cosmetic horror and I hate games that have jump scares. I can handle creepiness but I just wanted to know if it just means sea monsters that come or if there are actual horror elements like jump scares in the game.

If, for some god forsaken reason, you wish to read the other two installments of this series, here you are.
Part One
Part Two
Proceed at your own risk, from here on, because - you know - massive spoilers for FoL.

Chapter Three - Fall of Light's Last Scene - What the F-

Important note: In this essay, I do not seek to deeply analyse the motives of Renarr. I dare not delude myself into thinking – or believing – that I can understand, in any capacity, Renarr’s motivations. While I may make claims about her historicity as a character, and I may make certain ventures into trying to understand what she thinks… your guess is as good as, and probably better, than mine.
As such, this essay considers Vatha Urusander much more closely than it does Renarr (at least, to the extent possible). It also – as per the title – deals with the historicity of the events described, and why the way they’re related to us matter. Thus.

“Renarr found herself the sole occupant of Urusander’s intended quarters, with not even a servant present. She wandered through the rooms, stirring the ashes of her regret. A single ember remains, and surely it shall burn me, and my name, for ever more. But some things we do not choose. Some things are chosen for us.”

That’s some very apt imagery. Plenty of that coming up in the rest of the scene, too. It does bear mentioning that Renarr’s murder(?) of Urusander has been foreshadowed since at least Chapter Nineteen, if not earlier – one can make the case that the very first scene of Fall of Light is foreshadowing that very fact. And throughout, Renarr has been dreading it. And before she acts, she makes sure Urusander knows that she dreads this. Keep this in mind.

“She heard the outer door open and then shut. Returning to the main room she saw Vatha Urusander. He seemed startled to see her, but only momentarily. He smiled. ‘I am glad to find you here, Renarr.’
‘Is she done with your company already?’
‘It has been a long time since we last slept. There are storms in our heads, and storms between us. Of the latter, I see a calm ahead. Of the former …’ He shrugged, and walked towards the window overlooking the broad sward behind the Citadel.”

Think on what Vatha sees in this moment. A moment free of responsibility, free of charade, a moment where he can spend some genuine alone time with his adopted daughter. A daughter he knows indulges him, challenges him, perhaps on some level, wholly rejects him. But what Renarr does not do, is disrespect Vatha. Renarr is, with the exception of maybe Mother Dark, the only individual character to respect Vatha Urusander’s agency.
Does he foresee what Renarr is here to do? Perhaps. He knows about Renarr’s misgivings. He knows about the fate of her mother, he knows that she but indulges him – as Mother Dark put it – and he knows that Osserc… well, Osserc murdered Millick, for potentially undisclosed reasons.
He is also well aware of how false everything thus far has been. He knows – he says as much to Renarr & his company – that the marriage won’t stem the tide of blood. It is purely political in nature, and it only serves as an uneasy delay. It accomplishes nothing. Vatha stands here, before Renarr, with nothing to show for it. There’s a storm in his head, with no end in sight.
And yet, he’s happy to see her. Because he’s fairly sure she comprehends, more than he does, the extent of this situation.

“‘Will you deal with Hunn Raal?’ she asked, drawing closer to him.
His back was broad, but it now belonged to an ageing man. There was sadness in this detail.
‘Deal with him? I had ambitions there, didn’t I? He names himself my Mortal Sword. This should make plain who serves whom.’
‘And does it?’ She hesitated a few steps behind him, watching as he leaned forward close to the windowpane and looked down.”

Renarr cuts directly to the chase. No beating around the bush here, no elegant ceremony to mask the unkind, unhappy truths beneath. Hunn Raal has been allowed to go forth, unmolested, uncontested, for too long… until, just about, the very scene before this.
By Vatha’s very assertion, Hunn Raal’s actions have been disowned, and, indeed, decried by Father Light. It’s Renarr herself that elaborates on this on Hunn Raal, no doubt savouring the taste of vengeance. Granted, Vatha did say he’d hand Hunn Raal to the Andii to be tried as a common criminal – he didn’t – but his political maneuvering, or more accurately, his political stumbling, has at last bore fruit: Osserc is Vatha’s heir, and all of Raal’s machinations are rendered moot, insofar as he’s exposed and can no longer work behind Vatha’s back.
The fact that Osserc is still around but Hunn Raal isn’t probably points to Raal dying at some point in the (near) future, if nothing else, because he’s a massive dipshit.
Now, yes, Vatha merely naming Osserc his heir isn’t magically going to make the problem that is Hunn Raal go away. But the point I’m getting at is that Urusander has dealt with Hunn Raal, in exercising both his identity of Father Light & Commander of the Legion. Does that directly affect Hunn Raal? Could Urusander have done more? These are all questions running through Renarr’s mind, but she knows that what she’s asking is already done. So it’s clearly not that.
In the meantime, Urusander – his back to Renarr – is now staring out the window, with a broad back “belonging to an aging man.” The Vatha Urusander in this room is nothing like the fabled Father Light.

“‘A keep’s refuse,’ he muttered. ‘How it backs the wall, below the chutes. I wonder, do we build houses simply to keep the garbage out? It should be buried.’
*‘It buries itself,’ Renarr replied. ‘Eventually.’” *

I absolutely adore this part. Not least because Urusander compares Hunn Raal to “a keep’s refuse,” but also because of the poetic language employed. You can substitute “garbage” and “houses” with just about anything and get a meaningful part out of it. Here, let me try.
“Do we create rules & prohibitions simply to keep the outlaws at bay?”
“Do we build societies & civilizations just to keep the misfits out?”
And so on.
While Urusander never struck me as a man to believe in the “natural order of things,” he understands that Hunn Raal cannot thrive in such a society, and longs for the time when he, too, will be buried. There will come a day when he’ll bury himself. That, or the rest of the garbage in the pile will deal with him.

“‘Hunn Raal deems himself immune. Perhaps he is right in that. Leave him to Syntara. He’s her problem, not mine. Mother Dark has the right of it. We step back, saying little. The condition of our people is for them to decide. I considered setting forth my laws, my foundations upon which a just society could rise. But how soon before my words are twisted? My premises twisted and suborned? How soon before we, in our mortal natures, corrupt such laws, each time in answer to a wholly self-serving need?’”

And so he elaborates. It is not up to him to fix this mess, just like it does not fall to Mother Dark to rein in the more unwieldy individuals among the Andii. Urusander has seen both Emral and especially Syntara twist the words of their deities; he struggled putting forth his laws on the basis of “moral stance” – because law itself might be subject to ambiguity; how could he even consider putting forth such laws when his followers are bound to twist the words he speaks for their own benefit?
Urusander’s nightmare since his first appearance on page in Forge of Darkness is realized here, and he is powerless to stop it. He follows Mother Dark’s example, but I doubt that is fulfilling in any capacity. Urusander was a soldier, and it is that attribute of his that Renarr calls upon in asking him to deal with Hunn Raal… but when not even Father Light is capable of dealing with his Mortal Sword, what hope has Vatha Urusander?
He has argued himself into a corner and his only way out is, well, standing right behind him.

“‘Have we seen the last of honourable men and women, Vatha Urusander?’
He straightened once more, but did not turn to face her. ‘The brutes are in ascension, Renarr. Against that, reason has no chance. You think the blood has ended? I fear it is only beginning.’
‘Then, sir, nothing has been solved.’
‘I am not the man to solve this,’ Urusander said. ‘But,’ he added after a moment, ‘you knew as much, didn’t you?’
‘Yes.’”

This part interests me as well, because the two of them are talking about wholly different things.
Renarr is appealing to Urusander’s sense of military honour. Hunn has overstepped the line, lapped the line twice, moved the goalpost, crossed it again, and is just now cracking open champagnes to celebrate. In other words, Hunn Raal is a mess, and it falls to Urusander – as a soldier, as his commander – to deal with him.
Urusander, on the other hand, views the situation through his own lens of principles & morality. For starters, Hunn Raal has grown past his own influence, so bringing him down in any manner of collective justice is nigh impossible. As such, Raal will need to be brought down either in an underhanded manner (assassination or some such), which in and of itself is difficult, or by someone else entirely – which, alas, did not happen (Renarr laments this as well). The former is not just difficult, but in direct violation of Urusander’s morals and paradigm. If he sets the precedent that “if someone oversteps the line, then kill him on any basis you find”, any society he attempts to build is going to crumble from the very beginning.
Neither of them are objectively wrong. They employ different views on morality – deontology versus consequentialism – and judging one through the lens of another is going to bring up numerous contradictions, especially if you don’t believe in objective morality. Subjectively, both Renarr’s approach of “Kill Hunn Raal before he causes more harm” and “Leave Hunn Raal to those responsible for him because I cannot deal with him without violating my ideals and principles” are both morally correct (in their respective moral frameworks).
Obviously, Urusander’s position – by this point – borders on indefensible for us as outside observers, and Gallan makes sure you get that, but he does not portray Urusander as “wrong” in his approach per se.
In any case, it dawns – slowly – on Urusander that Renarr is keenly aware of this. She somewhat understands where he’s coming from, and though she can’t bring herself to forgive him for it, she takes no pleasure in what she has to do. Because, as aforementioned, Urusander hasn’t necessarily done anything objectively wrong – if nothing else, more than once, he bordered on actually fixing the whole mess – but he never took the required step to do away with Hunn Raal. And now the whole mess is beyond fixing.
It bears reminding about here that Urusander has not faced Renarr since entering the room. He hears these words – knowing Renarr, utterly inflectionless – and continues facing the window, facing down, and away. And you have to wonder, how much does Urusander know of Renarr, and what is he playing at? He does not understand her, not fully, but he’s not quite dense. And, I think, at this point, he can see how this ends, and so makes one last – indirect – request of Renarr.

“‘What of my son?’
‘His judgement was in error.’
‘Error?’”

Evidently, not the answer Urusander was expecting. It is unclear to me quite how much is known about Osserc & Renarr at this point, and how much of this is Urusander guessing, so I’ll refrain from commenting overmuch.

“‘A young man bereft of responsibility will yearn for it,’ she replied. ‘A young man will see the virtues of duty and honour as shining things, harsh and not subject to compromise. From such a position, he may well make mistakes, but they remain well meant.’
Still he would not face her. ‘Something in you is broken.’
‘Something in me is broken.’
‘My son killed the man you loved. He … misapprehended the situation.’
‘Yes.’
‘Yet, it seems, you have forgiven him.’”

Something within me is itching to bring up Rake “yearning for responsibility” and how this is Gallan indirectly sticking it to him, but that’s a story for another day.
There is something deeply tragic about how Renarr phrases things here. Throughout the book, her thoughts often drift back to Osserc – how “her resistance was feigned,” how “no amount of thrusting cock can make him a man” (Yikes) – and this is the culmination of that. There’s a certain dose of self-loathing mixed in for good measure. But what I want to focus on here is her choice of words: a young man sees the virtues…
But Urusander is not young. To Renarr, Urusander should know better. Duty & honour are not inviolate virtues to be unquestionably upheld: Look where that got us. A realm riven with civil war, a war criminal & murderer free to rampage, because he – first and foremost – discarded duty & honour in the name of personal advancement. And Urusander, well, he remained true to his morals & ideals, but to what end are those morals & ideals helpful if nothing ever gets done?
Something in her is broken indeed. But what truly shocks Vatha is that Renarr finds it in herself to forgive Osserc… but not him. The “why” is a tale for another time – and it’s not one I’m qualified to tell – but let’s just say, it’s shocking for Urusander.

“‘I wish,’ she said, ‘you had killed Hunn Raal. I wish you would stand behind your sense of justice.’
He grunted. ‘No exceptions, no compromises. Had I done what was right, each and every time …’
‘Instead, you did nothing, and now here you stand, Vatha Urusander. Father Light.’”

There, for the less perceptive among us, Gallan throws us a bone. Renarr isn’t forgiving Urusander for letting Raal walk free.
What is interesting, though, is that she appeals to his sense of justice. Which is, I think, one of the first missteps of Renarr in this scene – it is intentional, no doubt – in that, well, he did just that. There was no manner in which Urusander could apprehend Hunn Raal in a way that appeased his sense of justice. And he tells her as much – “no exceptions, no compromises.”
As aforementioned, Renarr is appealing to Urusander’s sense of honour as a soldier; not a scholar of Forulkan works, not a reformer, not “Father Light.” Oddly, this is quite reminiscent of the justice that someone like Dassem Ultor would have his soldiers dispense. No better way to explain than to simply provide the quote:

“Monkrat realized that Spindle was still waiting. 'Do what's right,' Dassem told us. Gods, even after all this time he still remembered the First Sword's words. 'That's a higher law than the command of any officer. Higher even than the Emperor's own words. You are in a damned uniform but that's not a licence to deliver terror to everyone – just the enemy soldier you happen to be facing. Do what is right, for that armour you wear doesn't just protect your flesh and bone. It defends honour. It defends integrity. It defends justice. Soldiers, heed me well. That armour defends humanity. And when I look upon my soldiers, when I see these uniforms, I see compassion and truth. The moment those virtues fail, then the gods help you, for no armour is strong enough to save you.'”

Instead, Urusander stuck to a higher sense of justice, rather uncomfortably close to that of the Forulkan, one born of strict idealism & moral absolutism. Kant ain’t got shit before Vatha Urusander in such matters.
Does that make him bad? Incompetent, impotent, villainous? Is inaction to be equated with cowardice, in a world where actions are always misinterpreted (I mean, just look at Draconus)? Do these questions even matter?
To be honest with you, I don’t know. I’ll tackle this matter a bit later, but the diegesis certainly predisposes us a bit badly towards Vatha Urusander, and I find that to be terribly interesting.

“‘Yes, my blinding gift.’ He was silent for a time, and then he said, ‘Have you seen it yet?’
‘What?’
‘My portrait. In the corridor on the approach to these chambers. Kadaspala did well, I think.’
‘I am afraid I did not notice it,’ Renarr said. ‘I give little regard to art, especially the compromised kind.’
‘Ah, then, are all portraits a compromise? In his sour moments, I think Kadaspala would agree with you.’ He leaned both hands on the windowsill.”

And thus we circle back to one of the defining traits of Father Light: his portrait. It has dominated his character since, well, since he first appeared, posing for Kadaspala and getting irrationally pissed at the artist. Renarr plucks the key idea of it from Urusander’s mind: His portrait is – has always been – a compromise. And he knows this, for how could he not?
His portrait is a political tool in the arsenal of the Kurald Legions to avert civil war. Kadaspala says so himself:

“I have painted a man worthy of being her husband. They will see his strength, his resolute integrity, because these lie on the surface. They will not see the underside of such things – the cruelty beneath strength, the cold pride behind that stern resolution. The blade of judgement grasped firm in integrity’s hand.
They will see in his stance his soldier’s discipline, and the burdens assumed without complaint. Yet see nothing of withered empathy or unreasonable expectation.
In the tones they will find warmth with but a hint of the underlying metal, and in so seeing they will understand nothing of that melding of fire and iron and all that it promises.
My power is vast, the talent undeniable, the vision sure and true. Yet all it leaves me is torment. There is but one god, and its name is beauty. There is but one kind of worship, and that is love. There is for us but one world, and we have scarred it beyond recognition.
Art is the language of the tormented, but the world is blind to that, for ever blind.
Urusander, I see you – I face you now – in the failing light, and you frighten me to the core.
[…]
‘I had a thought.’
‘Indeed, and will you tell me that thought, Kadaspala?’
‘If anyone can prevent civil war’ – and he nodded towards the portrait – ‘it is that man.’”

What could be more of a compromise than this, precisely? And Urusander knows this – even if it took him two books to finally articulate it – he knows his portrait is faked. It’s a compromise. It’s not him on that portrait; it’s Father Light, it’s Mother Dark’s husband, it’s the man that could avert civil war.
He, alas, was not that man. Nor did he aspire to be. And, on some level, the diegesis seems to begrudge him this.

“‘Well,’ he said, ‘it seems that I am not to be forgiven.’
‘Only your son.’
She saw him nod, and then he sighed and said, ‘Tell them, will you, of the likeness. So deftly, so honestly captured by that blind man’s hand.’
‘He was not blind when he painted you, I think.’
‘Wasn’t he? No, demonstrably not, as far as that goes.’”

And this particular exchange is why I sat down to write this essay. That line above. The single line that made me wonder, “how much does this bastard know?” And, moreover, how much does Renarr know?
At first, it sounded to me like an old man’s ravings before his inevitable death. Regrets mounting, a concession of guilt moments before the knife descends. He is not to be forgiven, but his son will live on, not to be hunted by the Fury that is Renarr.
In more recent times, and after further reading (and after talking about it with Steve!), I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t much like that interpretation.
This moment is present for posterity. Vatha & Renarr, father & daughter, one final time. And so, after the more personal matters are done away with – his son’s safety, his not dealing with Hunn Raal, his honour, his sense of justice – they turn to posterity. The portrait was excellent, perfectly & unerringly rendered, to stand the test of time.
But in truth, the language used is very specific. I have no doubt towards Kadaspala’s efficacy & his deftness, but honesty? We saw above that Urusander ought to know that his portrait is, indeed, a compromise. And he amends this, with “blind man.”
Urusander acknowledges that Kadaspala was wrong. He did not paint Vatha Urusander; he painted an idealized form that he wished to paint, a man that could be worthy of being Mother Dark’s husband, a man that could prevent civil war.
And by all accounts, Vatha was pleased. He was… transparent. So expertly portrayed, by a blind man’s hand.
But what if Kadaspala saw true? In his monologue we already saw all the different aspects that he portrayed in his painting, how none who look upon the portrait can see any of it. Nor, one expects, Vatha Urusander. Alas, perhaps Renarr did. And, perhaps, she concurs with Kadaspala: Both the idealized form, and the man himself, frighten her to the core.
And so…

“‘Vatha Urusander,’ said Renarr, ‘there will be justice.’
She saw him nod again, in the instant before her knife sank deep beneath his left shoulder blade, stilling the beat of his heart. Unblinking, she stepped back, leaving the dagger in his back. He tilted forward, forehead striking the leaded window, before his legs gave out and he fell to the floor at her feet.
Looking down, she saw the smile on his face. Peaceful, content, lifeless.”

Anything I say is bound to not do justice (ha) to this scene. Just admire it.
Which brings us to the true meat of this essay, about 3.7k words in. And that is, why? Why do we see this scene like this?
Vatha Urusander is dead. Renarr is – by Steve’s admission – spending the foreseeable future in a cell underneath Kharkanas for his murder. Unless not-quite-blind Gallan has visited her in the cell to get her tale, quite like Rise Herat wished to do earlier, I doubt anybody would have direct access to the information & dialogue spoken between the two.
So why are we seeing it through this lens? What is the goal? What is Gallan trying to show us?
First & foremost, the PoV framing. This isn’t an omniscient scene; we see the world through Renarr’s eyes, eyes weary of the world itself (sound familiar?), a woman too old for her years, filled with regrets & despair. She wields conviction like a knife, but draws no pleasure from what she knows she must do.
Renarr, as aforementioned, is one of the (if not the) few characters that respect Vatha Urusander’s agency. Whatever decisions he ought to make, he must make them himself; it is of utmost importance to her being able to dispense adequate, unsullied justice as she claims she has to.
And so, she does not belittle him. Though you can almost feel the self-loathing & hatred seethe beneath Renarr’s words, she does not seem to hate Urusander whatsoever: Indeed, she deeply regrets this and expresses to him that she wishes he’d done differently.
It is quite tragic that the man that has sought to do good time & again but always seems to have failed is confronted by the very consequences of said actions. Renarr is his adopted daughter, yes, but she is nought but a ghost, wandering aimlessly through the world, taking in its atrocities, while her father stands on the sidelines. And one wonders, where is the emotion from this woman? Why does this feel so… abject? There is no glory, no catharsis to be found in Urusander’s death; no vow avenged, no vengeance gained. “There will be justice” indeed, but when, and how?
Moreover, this scene is – as aforementioned – away from the public eye. Neither Renarr nor Urusander need hold back, and both can converse without watching their words. The cryptic and vague responses are evidently manufactured by Gallan & Fisher, to prove a point.
This scene is also a foregone conclusion. Renarr knows she will kill Urusander the moment Father Light steps into the room. Urusander, while he doesn’t know it immediately, gets a pretty good idea by the time the conversation shifts to Hunn Raal; you can see his tone change accordingly (especially when he asks about Osserc, borderline in desperation). And so, whatever the two of them say, is just between them.
It is, in effect, a last attempt from Gallan to give you an idea of the motivations behind Vatha Urusander and Renarr. The former could never back down from his high ideals of justice, and they led to his downfall; the latter, well, the latter “stirs the ashes of her regret” with a good deal of fatalism mixed in (which is a can of worms I’m not opening).
To close, I think this scene is one of the best, and most dense, scenes in the Malazan mythos. I don’t come close to doing it justice here; for that you need quite a lot of background information from Fall of Light that I simply do not have access to. It is an excellent, cathartic moment that brings the storyline of Fall of Light to a simultaneously satisfying, and extremely unsatisfying, close.
And I think it pays to think about if it happened at all, and what the author – the in-world author, that is – is trying to tell us by portraying it in such a manner. I do not doubt that Urusander was killed in some way, perhaps even in the exact manner that we see here: But the act itself is not what matters, but the dialogue & actions taken by the characters that we see. To ask, “why are we seeing it like this and not in some other manner,” can lead to some fairly interesting questions, and some very interesting revelations.
Until next time!

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