Never pause a disney movie memes

I find the Caraoke UI just frustrating to use, can anyone explain these?

1. Can we not favourite songs? There seems to be “Stars” but where on earth do they surface to?
2. When we search for a song, click it, then click the X when it’s done we’re not back at the previous screen, it sends us right back to the main category UI. So like kids like the Disney Descendants songs, when we close to pick another song we have to search AGAIN.
3. Some songs just don’t seem to load… Why? Like here The Greatest Showman soundtrack, song “Other Side” just thinks forever, never plays.
4. On that Greatest Showman note… “Greatest Show” exists under the rando songs category (can’t remember what it’s called off the top of my head), but doesn’t appear on a search for “The greatest showman” or even “Greatest Show”.

Am i just looking at bugs or fundamentally missing something?

The justifications for why black face is wrong and why white face is okay always comes down to what happened in history. I believe people should look at someone's intentions, instead of just saying one action can never be done again despite the intentions and desired impact being different.
If white face can be done lightheartedely, black face logically can be done lightheartedly as well. Something being wrong only because people had bad intentions in the past is a shallow way to assess and control present day.
Something is not oppressive based on history, it is oppressive based on how it actively oppresses people.
For example, women were largely regulated to domestic duties and not seen as equals in history. The oppression was the unequal status and the forced servitude. No one today will claim women should never cook food or have children because it has an oppressive history. They may have a complex argument that there is still oppression of women like this in present day through cultural norms, but all women who do have children or do housework aren't oppressed because of it. These actions (house work or child bearing) are just as valid as other forms of human behavior. Black face and other expressions with a bad history should be assessed outside their historical contexts, and to their present day intentions. It can not automatically be wrong just because it was used in a oppressive way in history. I feel like putting a ban on black face is like telling women they can not have children; it takes a perfectly normal human expression and determines it means something alternative. That a woman is oppressing herself (or being oppressed) or that a person is racist (when they wouldn't be racist if they found white face funny).
I found the movie White Chicks funny and I don't believe it was meant to denigrate white people. I believe there can be something similar in the form black face that isn't meant to denigrate black people, but to be lighthearted. Whether or not these things are funny isn't really relevant to whether they should automatically be considered racist: if it's not funny, it doesn't mean that it should be considered racist by default.
I also would understand a person who thinks that black face is racist and also finds white face racist. That at least is consistent, and doesn't have an arbitrary historical rule. I don't believe is, because it doesn't mean someone is better or worse, or behaves exactly or even a little like how they're described. It's like imitating any other group like boomers, men, wealthy, Starbucks drinkers. It's supposed to be funny, not a mechanism of oppressing the people being portrayed.
It goes without saying, but yes black face in history was racist as hell.

Prefer females but will talk to anyone! Looking to create a friendship that we can talk about anything and everything, movies, daily life, share memes, hold conversations, learn about each other, casual flirting!
I'm from the US but you don't have to be, I like working out, golfing, video games and anime (quite the mix). Let's create a friendship that lasts!

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£28.99 - Amazon
Roku Express 4K HD/4K/HDR Streaming Media Player, Black
RRP £39 -26% £28.99
Brand Roku
Connectivity technology HDMI
Connector type Micro USB
Special feature Wireless Supported Internet services Netflix, YouTube
Controller type android
Form factor media player
Colour Black
Model name Express 4K
Item weight 45 Grams
About this item

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These are my “to watch” movies list made up from the past year. Anyone else have one?
Tremors, What lies beneath, The girl with all the gifts, Drag me to hell, Threads, Naked lunch, Haunt, Prince of darkness, Into the wild, Downfall, The frighteners, Hatching, Running scared, Chernobyl, Smile, Pearl, Signifigant other, Skinamarink, Atterados, The changeling, I walked with a zombie, From beyond, The sadness, Its such a beautiful day, A tale of two sisters, Session 9, Ravenous, Ginger snaps 1 and 2, Baskin, True evil never dies, Black swan/perfect blue, Old boy 2003 (go in blind), Audition (go in blind), The faculty, Sin city, Scanners, Enemy, Spoorloos, Spinal tap, The invisible man, The beast within ‘82, Us, The devils candy, Blood drive (tv show),
Hardcore: The green inferno, Dogtooth, Martyrs (2008), Heaven knows what, Frontier(s), Raw, Inside (2007), The girl next door, Come and see,
Old/silent: The cabinet of dr. Caligari (1919) Nosferatu (1922) King kong (1933) The night of the hunter (1955) The innocents (1961)
Finished martyrs (2016) and realized it was a remake afterwards. Got halfway through inside, thought it was shit and it also turned out to be the remake that I had started.

So I am technically a recluse from society although I don't consider myself to be one. I go on holidays with different friends for 4-5 weeks every year. I also chat and call with some of them in the remainder of it. But for 10-11 out of 12 months in a year I almost never leave my house. I go to a gym which is close by at 6 AM almost every day so I don't meet any people there. I have most of my produce delivered to me every few weeks. I also spend quite a lot of delivery take-out.
I have an amazing and challenging job but I work remotely. I often take overtime and work for more than 60 hours a week. But even if I don't need to do overtime I still work on things that are related to my job but in a slightly different branch of science. Whether it's reading or researching myself. Or simply doing mathematical challenges on some special websites. I don't really play games or watch movies unless I get sick and can't work on other stuff. Basically I am either sleeping, cooking or working, whether it's job-related or hobby-related (which is also very job related).
But the vibe that I get from some of my friends who know about my situation is that it's a bit strange to not have any physical contact with other people for basically every day of my life. And I do myself find it a bit weird but I am just much more interested in science then in other people. I don't have a gf. I broke up with my previous long-term ex for quite a number of reasons, but one of the most important ones is that she wanted to play games and watch movies the whole evening after every work day. These things bore me severely and I started being miserable because I wasn't able to work on my hobbies. Finding a woman is not difficult but finding a person of either gender who is just as crazy about science as I am has proved to be challenging.
I've been a party animal during my studies but simply got tired from it all. I now simply sit at home, earn money and invest around 80% of my after-tax income. I honestly couldn't be happier but I am concerned if there are any issues that I'm going to have with this lifestyle. So far I've been doing it for a few years already.
Still, I do have this feeling that maybe I am not seeing something. Maybe I am wrong for living how I am living and something might go wrong in the future that I am not expecting. Maybe no physical contact will bite me in the ass eventually. So I wanted to know your opinions, is my lifestyle truly that weird and illogical?

Long post sorry. So I (M32) have been casually dating this girl (F31) for about a month. A little background, we went to the same high school, know a lot of the same people and knew who each other was from seeing each other in the hallways of high school, but never actually met. We instantly clicked on our first date, we had a lot of chemistry and the conversation flowed naturally, we ended up talking for 6 hours without even realizing it. Since then we’ve hung out multiple times and have had sex once after 3 weeks and it was great. Things were going really well I felt, up until a week ago. We went out for drinks with her friends and she wanted me to stay at her place. We just watched a movie and talked about our pasts a little bit, amongst other random stuff for a couple hours. The next morning I could tell something was bothering her, but didn’t ask her, I wished her a good time at church and she said she’d text me later, which she did. She said she was in a mood for some reason and said she gets that way sometimes. I thought nothing of it and told her I hoped she felt better. She still still texted me every day and initiated contact a couple days, but I could tell by her texts she was still off. She finally opened up and told me she is kinda freaked out about getting close to someone, she said she thinks she knows what she wants and all of that lines up with me, but when she gets close, her brain shuts off everything she’s been feeling. She said she thinks she needs to take a few steps back to see how she feels and be sure of what she wants, before getting ahead of herself. I told her I understood completely and that I respected her for wanting to be sure about her feelings, I told her I appreciated her being honest with how she felt. She’s had a rough past with relationships. She was with her fiancé for 10 years and found out he cheated on her multiple times, amongst other things from what she said, but I didn’t press the subject. She’s been single for a couple years since that happened. She hasn’t said it, but I see signs she had some fear of intimacy. I feel like her past might be causing her to subconsciously disassociate from me as her mind and heart our protecting themselves, which I can completely understand. She’s also only been in relationships where she was mistreated and manipulated, I kind of feel like she’s confused because she’s never been with someone like me who is understanding and supportive. She’s been kind of silent the past couple days besides a few texts. I texted her Sunday night saying I was thinking of her and that I hoped she had a good day. She replied that she had a rough day and she was still dealing with some mental health issues. I told her that if she wanted to talk about things, that I was here and I’d gladly listen. She thanked me and said she appreciated it. I haven’t heard anything from her in 2 days, but I figured it’s best to give her space and time. Just wanted some advice, or input on the situation. Thanks!

I'm 28 [F], and my partner 34 [M] are looking for an open minded, fun female to chat and possibly grow with as a third addition.
A little history about my partner and I.. we've been together for 15 years. We both work full time and would love someone to help us get through our day. We're open to meeting, but as of right now, we're only looking for some online interaction. We love any genre of movie, nature walks, thrifting, and just having a good laugh.
A little about myself, 28F white 5'4 tubby, I am a graphic designer and a little sassy. I'm the occasional eavesdropper. Anytime we're out and about...I'll point my little ear out to hear all the gossip. It's fun coming up with stories of the people's lives I'm listening to. I am a disney lover and proud to support the Magic. I like collecting vintage disney items as well as a few 80s and 90s toys.
My partner 34[M] hispanic 5'4, is a sweet movie buff of a man. He loves movies and can probably tell you all about it before you decide to watch it or not. He makes for an amazing movie buddy. He knows lots of little random facts that always surprises me. He's very talkative, especially when he's excited about something. He's the funniest person I know and we would never go without a laugh throughout the day. Memes are his secret weapon. He enjoys gaming as well and we would love to play one all together. We're mainly looking for someone to get along with and just have a good times. Possibly someone else who can introduce us to new things or even just add some spark to our life. We just ask for someone who is respectful, kind, has a good sense of humor, and is opened minded to the idea of just getting to know us. We aren't rushing into anything serious so if you looking for a two in one friend special, let us know.

Well, you know what I'm here for. I'm autistic and never even kissed or anything. Honestly, I'm mainly just curious what sex is actually like. Also this one time my crush casually mentioned in conversation that she didn't want to date virgins, and I'm close to the age she was then.
I'm bisexual but I tend to prefer women. I would love to try both at some point to be honest.
I'm caucasian, 187cm and I think my build is pretty average. I can be attracted to a wide range of people & body types, preferably close to my age but I'm not ruling out people in their 30s. I think I would prefer a fellow virgin or inexperienced person, but someone experienced has their own appeal. Either way I wanna build up to it by just chatting & stuff first. I should get out there more anyhow, and this is as good an excuse as any.
My main interest is fiction, whether that's a movie or video game or book or whatever. I also like to watch youtube video essays & stuff about things like history & philosophy. In summary: typical introvert nerd shit. I can have a hard time starting a conversation, but I've been known to get a lot more talkative when the subject interests me

Hello!
This is my first time writing in here so I hope I’ll be able to find what I’m looking for. I’m looking for a long-term female writing partner who would want to partake in plenty of awesome roleplays together! Many of mine tend to fall into the slice of life category but hey, we like what we like, right? Here are some of my ideas:
Best Friends: We have been best friends for a while, and we have feelings for each other, but we’ve never been able to act on them because we’ve always been in relationships with different people.
Co-Workers: We’ve worked at the same company for a while now. I’ve always found you to be attractive, but I’ve never been able to ask you out because we work in the same department, and they frown upon that where we work. If we get caught, we’d both get fired!
Movie Night: We have been watching movies together all night, and it gets so late that we both agree that you should sleep over. I don’t want you driving home, especially since you’re tired.
Star Athletes: You’re the star cheerleader, and I’m the top athlete on the track team. We’ve never actually met in person, but we know of each other. Your basketball game that you were supposed to cheer for got canceled so you decide to go and watch my track meet instead.
Amazing Vacation: Being together for a while has been amazing, but until now, we’ve never been on a vacation alone together. We talk about where we’d like to go and what we’d like to do together. We both agree that we can’t wait to be alone since it has been so long!
Those are just some of my ideas, and it would be awesome to see what we can come up with together! Just so you’re aware, I like to roleplay in first person. I can do third, but first feels so much more real, and that’s what I prefer.
I’m 35 years old, and I prefer to roleplay with a woman who is 21+ so please keep that in mind when you send me a message. I also prefer chatting outside of the roleplay and I hope you do as well. I think it adds to the connection!
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I’m excited to see what we can come up with together!

It's a school night, and spring is creepin' in. No plans or responsibilities tonight. I'm single, no children. These cool long evenings where dusk is a slow tide and the sun streams through clouds painting the sky. Meets the water with fleeting flames of gold on the horizon and silver trails of blue and grey. Cicadas buzzing and birds singing their requiems of a day laid to rest. Breeze carries voices and calls of children chasing the light for one more pass to play. Dragonflies hover over neon red mirrors, rippling shimmers that never break. Smells of charcoal and sea permeate the air. With hints of flowers and nectar. A calm is hiding the cool darkness as the moon peaks over shoulder. A the sun dips behind trees in the distance. The sensation of all elements around me stimulating all of my senses...
Ha! Sorry got caught up on a walk by my house. Anyway! Just looking to chat as I settle in for the night. It's too cloudy to see the planets or stars. So, I decided to come inside play some music and burn some incense. I just started reading, Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. Just finished Warrior of Love. The vibes are just preem.
What's your favorite fragrance of incense to burn, what song haunts your brain in the best ways. Read any good books, learn something new or interesting lately? What synchronicities you experience lately? Wild dreams? It's about dinner time too what booze/bevy you pairing with your food?
Hmm...
About me I guess.
6'0 Brown skin Anything that's creative and expressive Sneakers Games Meditation/spirituality Movies Animals Cultures Experiences/travels Communication/conversations
I got pictures to share if you're curious.
Let's catch a vibe!

About me: I'm a 44 year old pan/bi artist and teacher, live in central Ohio - mostly chill, but passionate. Looking for connection, something w long term potential . Im a geek, love art, reading, pop culture (Star Wars, Marvel, Disney, LOTR .. newly into Dune). Most of my art deals with graffiti and ancient artifacts/ mythology. I love learning new things. More of a chill at home, fun dates (museum, wander a park, road trip, exploring) vs a bar or party. I’m not a sportsball person at all
I am hoping for an in-person/ IRL relationship once we get to know each other, so being within a couple hours or central Ohio helps a lot. I am NOT at all interested in an online only situation. I want to go on dates, cuddle, etc. I'm cool with "watch party" movie dates, texting, video/voice calls, etc until that can happen.
Love deep conversations, and enjoy texting on/off when time allows (very into "good morning/night" texts,) Kink friendly
Communication, consistency and mental health awareness are musts. Tell me your favorite color or ice cream flavor when you message me.

We all know SMG4 has his own channel with all the same videos we see IRL. This includes all the arcs, MDTs, and more. There must be people in the Mushroom Kingdom who watches his videos because people like you and me aren't confirmed to be canon at all. There are Koopas and Goombas who watch his stuff, and that means they have seen exactly what they do to their kingdom. All the bad stuff Lawyer Kong was telling the crew about is known to the public via the channel. Do they not care that they caused the apocalypse many times? Do they not care that the castle is now gone due to SMG4 getting jealous over internet fame? This doesn't add up. Are they seriously okay with all of this happening? Do they think he fell off like the last movie implies? If so, why does nobody riot about it? He literally lives in the castle, and Peach DOES NOT like him. Get him kicked out if he's that bad.
Or are they so meta that we, the real life people, are all canon to SMG4 and we are the ones telling the character the bad things? But that can't be possible since Luke is real in universe as well, which means we too are real. And why does some random YouTube channel control so much over a universe he never should have appeared in? How can all of this be real to them? The lore is so inconsistent that it simply can't be real... but that's a theory for another day.
What do you guys think is going on here? This is a question literally nobody has asked, so let's see what you guys think.
Until next time, stay hydrated, and have a nice day.

About me: I'm a 44 year old pan/bi artist and teacher, live in central Ohio - mostly chill, but passionate. Looking for connection, something w long term potential . Im a geek, love art, reading, pop culture (Star Wars, Marvel, Disney, LOTR .. newly into Dune). Most of my art deals with graffiti and ancient artifacts/ mythology. I love learning new things. More of a chill at home, fun dates (museum, wander a park, road trip, exploring) vs a bar or party. I’m not a sportsball person at all
I am hoping for an in-person/ IRL relationship once we get to know each other, so being within a couple hours or central Ohio helps a lot. I am NOT at all interested in an online only situation. I want to go on dates, cuddle, etc. I'm cool with "watch party" movie dates, texting, video/voice calls, etc until that can happen.
Love deep conversations, and enjoy texting on/off when time allows (very into "good morning/night" texts,) Kink friendly
Communication, consistency and mental health awareness are musts. Tell me your favorite color or ice cream flavor when you message me.

So I'm wanting to start watching some more films and would like someone to watch them with. We can talk throughout, or we can stay on mute and then discuss at the end. I think it might be pretty fun!
Btw I'm extroverted as hell and love to talk!! (I probably talk way too much) . Either way, I’m pretty chill, just looking for someone to chat with during this boring-ass Tuesday . I've been told I'm easy to talk with, and hopefully, you think the same.

18m, just looking to have a conversation with anyone abt anything. can be abt politics, sports, movies, games, im down for a vc or just sending random memes. age and all doesn’t matter, just dont be too dry to talk to. I’m down for just a quick convo or a long term friendship, whatever you’d like.

So I'm wanting to start watching some more films and would like someone to watch them with. We can talk throughout, or we can stay on mute and then discuss at the end. I think it might be pretty fun!
Btw I'm extroverted as hell and love to talk!! (I probably talk way too much) . Either way, I’m pretty chill, just looking for someone to chat with during this boring-ass Tuesday . I've been told I'm easy to talk with, and hopefully, you think the same.

My parents are not well. I mean they are in an enviable situation given the circumstances, but they are not "well." I don't think they have been for a few decades. I will try to unpack this, but it may be a bit longwinded. I promise to use paragraphs!
I am M(50) and my parents are Dad(91) and Mom(80). They adopted my brother and me when were babies in the early 70's. In many ways they were loving parents, but my mom was abusive emotionally, verbally and physically. My dad was very passive with her but very active in our lives. My mom was active too, just not in ways we would have preferred!
In retrospect I think she may have Adult ADD and possibly be bipolar. But she would never seek therapy. She is the type who doesn't believe in that and would not even go to a doctor for 30 years until she had a small stroke 11 years ago. She is also, quite honestly a spoiled brat and acts like a complete Karen and thinks only of herself and her immediate needs.
About 30 years ago, my brother developed a drinking problem followed by crack addiction. My parents drained a significant part of their retirement (and my dad just recently retired as he had to keep working) paying for rehab, his bills, his whims, his divorces, his court cases, his bail, his lawyers, cars that he would sell to drug dealers and God knows what else.
They were fearful that if they left their apartment that they would miss his call that he was home at night and if he didn't call my dad would go out and look for him. My dad referred to this as "keeping him alive." It was a very dysfunctional situation and as a result, they really quit leaving the house (my dad worked in a separate office he rented in the apartment building) to do anything besides my dad getting groceries / dinner or something for his business.
My brother and I had a tumultuous relationship. We would go years without talking. I resented everything he put my parents through - both emotionally and financially. He freeloaded off of them for decades, but they also refused to ever cut him off tried to shield him from any consequences (although he did lose parental rights to his kid and did jail time on several occasions).
I lived out of state for 25 of the last 27 years. I recently moved back to my hometown because my brother died 2 years ago. Of course it was related to his drug use.
I set my parents up with several occasions with someone to come in and help with things. However, my mom kept terminating the contracts with them because no one can ever do anything good enough for her.
She never leaves the house. She has terrible knees (which she will never get replaced) and sleeps a lot. She watches tv all day long (usually 24 hour news - not Fox, thankfully). She has terrible incontinence as well. A few months ago she had decided to stop wearing her diapers and would double up with pads in the bed and just sleep in her own piss every night.
A little over 3 months ago (Dec, 2022), my dad, who has really been a primary caretaker for her (I live 5 miles away and have helped when I can) was helping her change her pajamas. He fell back and hit his upper back on the corner of the dresser and cracked 6 ribs. He didn't tell me about this until 3 days later. I took him to Urgent Care, they told him to rest. He fell 2 more times, the last time in the middle of the night and I called 911 against his wishes and he ended up in the hospital.
Needless to say, with COVID raging and hospital beds filling up, they could not keep him long so they sent to a physical rehab facility. He was very week and could barely walk. He had lost a lot of strength being laid up in bed with the cracked ribs. He is normally very active but he is very small and thin anyway.
During his 2 month stay at the rehab place he contracted COVID and Pneumonia. He is a tough dude for sure.
While he was in there, I took care of my mom along with another helper who she found through a neighbor. I also started the process of terminating my dad's business. I was also running by his place to make sure he everything he needed at the rehab place and trying to find an assisted living place for them both. I also work a full time job, have a side consulting business, a wife, a son in college and I play in a band. Living hell would be a great description of the last 3 months. I also had to coordinate moving them out of that apartment as them being on their own is just not an option at this point.
In any case I found them a top notch assisted care place. They have had a Long Term Care insurance since the mid-90's and basically their care is paid for at this place. They have a beautiful apartment in a complex that has a nice dining, social areas, live music, a bar, a movie theater, a salon, ice cream machine etc..., lots of the fixins.
My mom got their first and the first 2 days she got dressed with assistance (something she cannot do on her own and something she never did in that apartment - she is always in pajama gowns) and went down to the dining room for dinner. After that she started having her meals brought to her. Mind you each meal delivered comes with an $8 delivery fee, also because they encourage the residents to be social and get out.
My dad moved in from the rehab place a month ago - 2 weeks after my mom moved in. He cannot walk very much and is still getting PT, but every time I see him he in a wheelchair. I think he is scared to fall again.
Since he has been there neither one have them have left the apartment. They still get all of their meals delivered which the staff has told me is highly unusual. The only positive is at least they are watching more Andy Griffith than MSNBC.
Today my mom just called me yelling that they have a "huge problem." I winced. "It's 6:15 and they still haven't brought us our dinner! You're father has buzzed the nurse and no one's come."
"Ok, mom, what do you want me to do?" I reply.
She turns to my dad "what do you want him to do?"
My dad: "Well, there isn't really anything he can do."
My mom: "Oh! I'm telling you I'm not happy here and neither is your father although he won't tell you that. This keeps up and I'm moving back to the apartment complex where I was before."
Me: "Well, I don't think you and dad have really given it a chance over there."
My mom: "BYE!" slams the phone down.
I need to have a conversation which is next to fucking impossible with my mom. Either that or I need someone to intervene? Maybe their doctor, I really don't know.
I am going back to see my therapist next week. They are taken care of and I go by 2 times a week or so as they are 5 minutes away, but am trying to maintain some boudaries for my own sanity. Usually they have a list of things they need or errands that they need help with.
I feel my dad may be teetering on the brink of depression as he cannot walk or work. He has no desire to do anything. My mom is just, well, I've explained that. The dynamic seems highly dysfunctional and being that I cannot step back from it I feel maybe I am like the boiling frog. Their situation seems to me to be highly unhealthy. But how do you help 2 people who have been miserable for 30 years and seemingly have no desire to improve their lives?
That sounds like mental illness to me and it is sad. I am just not sure if there is anything I can do or if there is anything I should do? I know the incontinence thing is bad with my mom but at least there in the assisted living she has to wear diapers. My dad has incontinence issues too after this ordeal.
I am open to any suggestions. This was probably therapeutic just writing all this.

First, sincere apologies. I do have another reddit account, but very rarely post using that, let alone what's to follow below. Mods, if this I'm in violation of any rules, please let me know, so I can edit if needed. I just need to get this into the universe.
​
My wife and I have been together since the summer of 2006. We were married a handful of years later, and have been each other’s strongest supporters and partners in life from our first date up until, what feels like, today.
Through that time, it certainly hasn’t always been easy, and we’ve both had our own internal struggles and demons to face. I’d argue that we’re still trying to address those demons, which is certainly a contributing factor here. We both deal with feelings of depression and anxiety, those previously mentioned demons, and we’ve both been in and out of therapy through companies’ employee assistance programs but we’ve never found therapists that we’ve stuck with. To clarify: these have been our own individual therapists, not a couple’s. We have no children, but two nieces, each of our siblings have daughters around the same age. I had never been thrilled with the idea of having kids, and my wife had always echoed something similar, indicating that babysitting nieces was more her speed.
I can provide more context should anyone ask, but want to drill to the specific timing of things over the last few years. We had just entered a contract to sell our old ancient house in an area of town that didn’t have the best reputation when COVID-19 shut everything down. We continued with the process, and closed on a house in summer of 2020 that we both loved. It was a stressful process, with many sleepless nights and all the stresses that normally go along with moving but with COVID on top of all that. The new place offered plenty of space for her to start a massive flower garden in the backyard, crafts in her office during the winter months, and a lawn just big enough to keep me occupied for a few hours in the summer on a Saturday to mow, clip, trim and keep up appearances. On the surface, everything seemed fine for a double-income, no kids household.
Behind the scenes, we were both struggling. I was dealing with constant depression and imposter syndrome that plagued my every decision, personally and professionally. Physically, I had never felt more unattractive in my life. Intimacy between my wife and I struggled, to the point where making love, or having sex, completely stopped. We’d talk about it – about how it made her feel undesirable and she needed some kind of physical connection, but I still struggled with my own self-image and feelings of doubts. On top of that, I had openly begun thinking that I was dealing with low testosterone because any kind of sexual activity, even solo, felt more like a chore than a fun release. On the nights where she initiated, things would start great, but like clockwork, the blood would stop flowing and what started as something steamy ended with what felt like a bucket of cold water. This is self-diagnosis – as of right now – is just that. As of today, no testing has been done to confirm my thoughts. So we’d have these conversations, promise to talk more, but never did.
As the world started to open back up, my wife took up new hobbies, painting and star-gazing, and she met new friends who were married and had children. The conversation of kids would pop-up from time to time, but to me, it was nothing anything that serious. Certainly nothing that we end up calling “State of the Union” important. More like, “Maybe one day?” Or, “would adoption ever be an option?” To which I would say, "maybe one day." If these conversations were meant to be a trigger-point to a deeper talk, I never interpreted them as such. I never shut these ideas down, I never said “absolutely not” but I never pressed further.
In the past month, I had started to feel better – about a lot of things in life. Work was getting better for me – I actually don’t mind going into the office and conversing with people. My co-workers have even started saying, “Where has this version of Mr Not_A_Real_Name. been all this time? He’s a riot!” I’m in the middle of trying to figure out my career and the next steps there. My wife and I had a wonderful breakfast at a restaurant where we talked about what options and opportunities are available to someone with my skill level (no college but 10+ years in corporate America). I left that breakfast feeling so energized and so loved. As cliche as it sounded, it felt like the sun coming up after a long dark winter.
Last weekend, my wife and some of her girlfriends took a two hour trip from home for a girl’s weekend with several friends. Nothing out of the ordinary here, she’ll do that with her crew of friends every 6 months or so. We’ll exchange texts back and forth – she’d send me overly priced menu options at the steakhouse they found, I’d reply with a picture of our goofy dog’s underbite. She was coming home Monday afternoon, so I took Monday off so we could just spend the day together – sharing stories of our weekends. She came home, unpacked a little, and started to do some of her weekend laundry. I ran to the grocery store to get some provisions for dinner as the sun was staring to set.
When I got home, I noticed the atmosphere had changed. My wife’s face red, fighting back tears. She said, “you need to sit down, we need to have a talk.” I asked her what was going on, expecting the worst, but secretly hoping I had done something really stupid like leaving the toilet seat up. What transpired for the next 30 minutes was a rollercoaster of emotions, a definitive State of The Union.
The girl’s weekend ended up becoming a self-help session for my wife. Where she came to the conclusion that she was no longer happy with our relationship, that somehow I wasn’t happy with our relationship, and that she wanted to have a family, but couldn’t see that happening between the two of us. In hindsight, I knew this conversation could and, well, would happen, and now we were in the middle of it. Still, I was dumbstruck, flabbergasted, and initially very quiet. I was still processing the words she had said. I remember saying, “What does this mean? Are you saying we’re our marriage is over? Don’t I get a say in this?” She kept coming back to “I know you don’t want kids; you’ve said as much in the past.” We went around in circle for a bit, before she decided that she was going to leave for her friend’s house – one of the same ladies that she had spent the weekend with. I wanted to respect her wishes, didn’t want to force any hard discussion at such a heated point, so I told her that if she felt that was what was best in that moment, I wouldn’t stop her. As the garage door closed, the house never felt as cold or empty as it did in that moment. As I watched her drive down the street, I turned the front porch/garage lights on. If she wanted to come home, there would be a light on for her.
She sent me a text an hour later. She felt terrible, alone, and scared. She asked if she could come home and talk. Again, I said I’d be more than willing to if that was what we both thought was best. She came home – we hugged, we ugly cried, we talked for hours. She said that she came because she wanted to put in the effort to make us work – to make us WHOLE again. We made plans for the following morning: 1) we both take PTO from work. 2) We both reach out to our employers EPA program to arrange individual counseling as well as couples counseling. 3) We continue to have open dialogue, knowing that a nerve had been exposed and was very raw and real.
We were up early on Tuesday actioning these tasks. By noon, we had appointments locked-up and I had even completed my intake paperwork for therapy. I took it a step further and booked a doctor’s appointment for annual work and to discuss depression, low testosterone, and overall physical health. Our couple appointment was scheduled for March 28, her personal appointment the following week, mine the week after. The rest of last week was a delicate balance of sharing our feelings and trying to maintain a shred of normal life. I confided into someone at work the struggles we had been having, just to have some perspective and because I desperately needed a release valve. I told this person, “This is what I know: there’s a small sliver of thread here, and my wife and I are going to put in the work and spin this into GOLD.” I knew there was a long road ahead of us, but I knew we could tackle it together.
I woke up this morning with an anxious pit in my stomach. I worked from home today, know we had an afternoon tele-therapy appointment scheduled and I wanted to make sure I wasn’t worried about leaving an office at a specific time or fighting traffic. This was Priority 1 for me. About 30 minutes before the session was to kick-off, I went into my wife’s office to ask if we should log in to the session on separate devices. She turned from her desk, face once again red, eyes shimmering with tears. She said, “I’ll send you the link, but…I just don’t think this is going to work.” I slumped into the doorframe of her office. She said she had been writing and wanted to share some of her thoughts. She said that, to her, our love had become a plutonic kind of love, it had changed from a romantic relationship over the years and that she just didn’t see it changing. Again, I was floored. To have such a devastating just barely a week ago, to having that thin ray of hope, to having nothing. I tried to speak, but couldn’t really find the words. What would I say? What could I say that wouldn’t just sound like a man pleading for the world not to end on the checklist of grief? She said, more than once, “you’re a great man and I’m sorry I hurt you.”
We had our session, as planned. We both did some preliminary paperwork with the therapist, we both took a depression assessment, and made some brief introductions. That’s when I heard my wife say that she had just informed me that she wanted to proceed with pursuing a divorce prior to joining this call. There it was. In the open. The session continued for another 45 minutes. I ended up saying that I wanted us to work, but not at the expense of my wife’s happiness. At the end of the day, we both need to be happy. It’s unclear if we’ll even have a follow-up session. We ended the session. I put my head down on my desk, and after holding back tears for the last hour, finally cried. My wife made her way downstairs, came over to my desk and asked for a hug. I couldn’t even make eye contact. I couldn’t utter a sound. I didn’t move from my chair for what felt like forever. She asked if we could sit on the couch across the room and talk. At this point, shock took over, I went cold as ice and even started shivering. Once again, my wife said she was going to a friend’s house for the night. Once again, the same friend she went to last Monday night. The therapist did say that trying to talk in the here and now, with the one of us using the word “divorce” may not result in a productive conversation. My wife said, “maybe I come back tomorrow and we can talk more…or Thursday. I don’t know.” Again, I repeated that she needs to do what is best for her. As she left, she asked again for a hug, at this point I obliged. As she turned to the door she said, “you can text or call me if you need to talk.” After a brief pause, I was able to choke out, “what I want to talk about, and what you want to talk about no longer appear to be aligned.” She nodded, tearing up again, and she left. As before, I turned the outside light on. It’s been over 2 hours now. Aside from letting me know she had arrived safe at her destination, she hasn’t sent any other texts. I’ve sent nothing to her.
So I sit again in an empty house that feels very cold and suddenly very foreign. A pit in my stomach, my head spinning, my fingers numb. I don’t know what tomorrow brings. I don’t know what the next 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 60 minutes brings. My soulmate, my partner in crime, my everything is gone and I don’t know where to go or what to do next. If I could fix it, I would in a heartbeat. But it’s too late for that. It now feels like a very one-sided battle to keep our relationship alive. And that is what will keep me up tonight.