Serious eats

I complain to my parents that I am worried about climate change: "That will only affect poor people and your great grandkids' generation!"
I complain that I am worried about the economic system collapsing: "We have lived through so many crises and we didn't even NOTICE most of them!" "That is all far away!" "The Norwegian currency is much more secure than the Euro (HAH!)" "New jobs will be created!"
And now my mom calls saying "Since you have nothing to do on Easter how about we travel someplace? We should see the world before war breaks out!"
...seriously, THAT'S what you are worried about? As horrible as this sounds, nuclear war is on the least of my concerns since it JUST kills you. It JUST ends your existence. It doesn't force you to be here to suffer, to remain with people yelling at you at disrespecting you, with people who claim you are a failure because you haven't bought a house or whatever the fuck. It's JUST death. Or is it because it's a disaster in the Boomer's ACTUAL lifespan and that is something THEY fear from THEIR childhood that makes it real? Such a freaking astounding degree of selfcenteredness. Nothing outside their experience is real to them. FFS
I'd rather spend my money eating take out then travelling. Only thing that brings me joy these days.

I am an 18 year old AFAB, I am 176.5cm tall and weigh less than 80kg. I do not smoke, I have no known health problems, I take medication for my mental disorders, such as Neucon, Serdep, fluoxetine and trazodone. I take no other drugs and am not in any medical transition currently. I also take some vitamins and melatonin. There is nothing physically wrong with my body. I just seem to be producing more oil and smell more I suppose. Anyway the problem I have are these coughing episodes. Once a day I randomly start coughing, just like when you choke on water. It lasts for only a few seconds but it’s uncontrollable and loud. There are no other symptoms. I don’t produce mucus and it doesn’t feel like a dry cough either. I don’t seem to be producing more saliva. My throat doesn’t hurt either. It happens only once a day, maybe twice but this would be rare. It sometimes happens when I turn my neck a certain way, though this isn’t always the case. I want to clarify that I do not drink or eat anything prior to the coughing. So I’m not actually choking on anything. This has occurred in front of my family and they don’t seem too concerned. They most likely think I’m coughing loudly and violently on purpose or assume I choked on a drink. I just want to know if this will go away? Something like this has never happened before. It’s actually quite embarrassing because of how loud it is. Maybe I’m inhaling saliva when I talk? But how come it’s only happening now? My question is, should I go to the doctor or is this not too serious. I don’t want to bother my family with a pointless doctor’s visit

Good day! I hope that this finds you well.
Identity & Physical Appearance: I’m a 20 year old polyamorous bisexual trans woman of mixed Asian descent. I’m still pre-hormones, but I look feminine regardless. I’m 5’11 and a little on the heavier side for now. I have wavy, dark brown hair and chestnut brown eyes. I look racially ambiguous and have skin that is on the fairer side of the spectrum. I am completely vaccinated!!!
Personality: I’d say I’m a peppy, extrovert-leaning ambiverted girl that doesn’t take herself too seriously. I’m very sensitive, emotional, and caring. I’m sociable and enjoy speaking to new people. I’m somewhat kooky and have a whimsical but somewhat morbid and off-kilter sense of humor. While I’m energetic and boisterous in public, when I’m tired or alone I tend to be somewhat softer and docile in disposition.
Hobbies & Interests: My hobbies and interests include Dungeons & Dragons (I’m a dungeon master and bard main), Magic: The Gathering (I play EDH), video games, music, makeup, drag, tarot, and witchcraft. I love eating good food, appreciating art, and sleeping in. I’m also very interested in LGBTQ+ history and learning about the people and event that paint the picture of the queer community we see today.
Employment & Education: I study marketing. If I could do whatever I wanted for a living, I would like to do makeup, teach other transfeminine people how to do makeup, read tarot cards, do drag, or some combination of the previously aforementioned professions.
Sexuality & Kinks: While I’m very inexperienced, my exploration of my sexuality has led me to discovering that I would very very much like to explore kink. My favorite kinks are praise, degradation, free use, dd/lg, and pet play. I think my limits would be scat or anything that would seriously harm or kill me. I’m also somewhat of a monsterfucker and enjoy fantasy roleplay.
What I’m looking for:
While I am bisexual, my romantic orientation leans heavily towards men. Though I encourage anyone who isn’t a man to try if they think they can win me over.
I’m looking to be with someone who can make me feel safe and feel like the woman I was meant to be. I wanna wake them up with breakfast in bed and make passionate love to them first thing in the morning. After a hot, heavy morning fuckfest I’d like to cuddle in bed for a bit longer before we take our shower and get ready for the day. Then we could go for a walk and get a light lunch before returning home to cuddle some more and play video games together. Or you could play while I watch. Or I could play while you watch. Doesn’t matter as long as we’re together. Later in the day, we could prepare for a d&d session, worldbuild, or just work on some ideas together. When we’re done brain storming, we could cook a nice dinner together and enjoy the result of our labor together. We’d then hold each other in loving embrace before our mutual lustfulness gets the better of us and you, my loving, romantic, and dominant daddy rail the living fuck out of me, your slutty, whoreish little princess. We’d look lovingly into each other in the throes of our passion and you’d unload your cum inside my tight, sissy hole. And as the euphoric sensations slowly deescalate, we’d be together, laying with each other in a sweaty yet satisfied pile of sweat, cum, and spit. And we’d cherish each other. Take care of each other. Love each other. For the rest of our lives.
I am polyamorous, and I would like for either of us to be able to see other people independent of each other (though dating together in addition to that can also be discussed). If you are not polyamorous, please do not message me.
Lastly. I’m looking to get back into shape. And what better way than getting a trainer who will let me pay them with sex? Let me know if you’re interested.
Please message me! And please do so with more than a “hi” or a “hey”.
If you read this entire thing, please let me know that you did by telling me your name, age, hobbies, location, and why I should date you.
More small things about me:
Favorite Music Genres: Hyperpop, Pop, Queercore, Most Rock, Anything exceedingly queer in it's sensibilities.
Favorite Aesthetics: Goth, Fairycore, Cottagecore, Clowncore
Favorite Colors: Black, Pink, Purple
Favorite Video Games: Hades, Bayonetta, Don’t Starve Together
Favorite Foods: Sushi, Pizza, Pasta, Dim Sum

Stanford University is conducting a research study comparing two eating disorder treatment programs to reduce body image concerns and reduce disordered eating behaviors! Female identifying individuals between the ages of 18-34 who are struggling with disordered eating behaviors and serious body image concerns are invited to participate. All participants can receive up to $305 for taking part. You will be asked to complete various assessments, including 2 fMRI scans, and attend weekly one-hour groups for 8 weeks! Learn more here: eatingbehaviortreatment.com or email us at [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected]). You can also see if you are eligible by filling out our online questionnaire: https://stanforduniversity.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_0DqxwTfqbSRxDVz
If there are any questions or concerns about our study, you can reach out to the Institutional Review Board (IRB) at 541-484-2123.

Stanford University is conducting a research study comparing two eating disorder treatment programs to reduce body image concerns and reduce disordered eating behaviors! Female identifying individuals between the ages of 18-34 who are struggling with disordered eating behaviors and serious body image concerns are invited to participate. All participants can receive up to $305 for taking part. You will be asked to complete various assessments, including 2 fMRI scans, and attend weekly one-hour groups for 8 weeks! Learn more here: eatingbehaviortreatment.com or email us at [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected]). You can also see if you are eligible by filling out our online questionnaire: https://stanforduniversity.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_0DqxwTfqbSRxDVz
If there are any questions or concerns about our study, you can reach out to the Institutional Review Board (IRB) at 541-484-2123.

TLDR; When I was 19 a UTI gave me serious delirium. Has anyone else ever experienced something like this?
This occurred almost two years ago, but I'm really curious to know if anyone has insight or a similar experience to me. I haven't been able to find much on Google.
I had a UTI in 2021 that was asymptomatic, until it gave me a massive memory lapse and I was in a clinical delirium for about a week.
I was 19 and working from home at my parents' house at the time. Over my lunch break when I got up and left my room, I told my mum I was feeling weird. The only way I can think to describe it is a dream-like haze, where all of my senses were sort of numb.
She suggested I get something to eat and drink some water, but by the time I got to the kitchen I forgot where I was. I remember seeing flies on the counter and standing over them with a fly swatter for some time trying to figure out if they were real or not, and then I got on the ground in the fetal position because my vision was tunnelling.
I wasn't panicking or feeling tired when any of this was happening, either. I just sat on the floor until my mum came out to check on me.
She decided to take me straight to emerge, but while she was grabbing her purse I had wandered back to my room. (Humorously, I remember her tasking my brother with keeping an eye on me and him yelling, "oi, get back here" while I meandered away.)
My dad asked me if I had taken any drugs, since the way I was acting was very typical for someone who was having a bad reaction to marijuana. I hadn't taken anything.
While we were driving to emerge my vision became fuzzy and tunnelled, it was like no information from any of my senses was being processed properly.
By the time we were seen by a doctor (I'm Canadian, so the emerge wait was nearly an hour long) I was so out of it I may as well have been unconscious.
When I woke up, I was asked to give them a urine sample, but I wasn't even capable of getting to the bathroom alone.
Over the few days I was in the hospital, they let me know I had a UTI, and the antibiotics they gave me via IV made my mind-fog clear up.
My memory was abysmal for those few days - my mum had to repeatedly explain what was happening, but she also had to explain things that had happened that year. For example, earlier that year my uncle, who I was very close with, had passed away, and a few months before that my family dog had also passed away. I couldn't remember either of those things happening. Additionally, I had been accepted by my dream college a few months prior, and I was shocked when she had told me I was accepted, It was like my memory had been reset to the year before.
The only thing the doctors could find wrong was the UTI. They suggested that the memory loss and delirium was result of my anxiety, which they said I should consider being medicated for. But if that was the case, why did an antibiotic clear up the delirium?
I was discharged from the hospital after three days, and I was instructed to take antibiotics for another 4 days. After about a week, my mind had cleared up significantly. My short term memory never really recovered, but the rest of me has.
I've found articles saying this response to a UTI is found in elderly people, especially those with dementia, but I haven't seen anything about it happening to someone my age. Could the infection have spread to by brain, possibly? It's pretty scary to consider what may have happened if I wasn't living with my parents at the time - I certainly wouldn't have been able to get to emerge alone.
Thank you to anyone who took the time to read it this. If anyone has had a similar experience I would be really curious to know. And if anyone has any insight as to what caused the delirium aside from the UTI or anxiety I'd also like to hear your thoughts.

My 22 month Belgian Malinois started to throw up Saturday. The vomit had a lot of mucus. He had diarrhea and now it’s just blood coming out his anus. As far as I know he hasn’t got into anything. He had a water Buffalo cheek in a strip. He ran outside with it a couple days ago and left it out there. He was chewing on that and perhaps he swallowed a large piece of it. But they are supposed to be highly digestible. He is full vaccinated. He was doing wonderfully except for an infection last year in May. They said kidney infection. May have been caused by parasites. But since he was treated for that he’s been perfectly fine. He hasn’t vomited yet today but blood still coming out his anus. I am trying to feed him pumpkin and rice and pedialyte but hasn’t had much of it. He grabbed a very small piece of weiner and a tiny bait treat and gobbled that done. I live remote in Northern Manitoba. No emergency vet service. I called a few in Winnipeg. They said what to feed him is about all. Can’t say more without seeing him. I couldn’t get in to the local vet. The vet does very basic stuff. Has no staff or hardly any. They all quit. Basically she does the bare minimum, charges an arm and a leg and says take him to Winnipeg. That’s a 1,500 Km round trip on treacherous roads. I can’t drive that by myself in winter. Due to medical issues I shouldn’t drive that far myself even in summer because it will cause me to barely be able to walk. Long story but something is wrong with my feet. I’m super stressed.
I see blood and think it’s very serious. They said maybe not, but blood is still coming out? He’s getting dehydrated. I called an health links for dogs and they said they only work with vets. I’m in Northern Manitoba, Canada Any suggestions? Thoughts? Has anyone had this happen where it goes away on its own? I heard that from our rescue person that it’s possible. What could it be? What can I do to help him?
Update Sunday .5:11 p.m.. He ate his bland boneless skinless chicken breast. I didn’t give him a lot to start. He ate some snow outside. I put the pedialyte in my hand but he only got a couple sips of it. It’s in with his drinking water he has access 24 hours but haven’t seen him drink from there and hardly ate any rice, if any, just tossed it all over. Didn’t eat much pumpkin either. But he loves chicken. No more vomit today but still blood coming out his anus.

At the beginning of his career, Martin Luther was apparently sympathetic to Jewish resistance to the Catholic Church. However, he expected the Jews to convert to protestant Christianity; when they did not, he turned violently against them.
It's true that Luther often used strong language throughout his career. While we do not expect religious figures to use this sort of language in the modern world, it was not uncommon in the early 16th century.
The following are excerpts from Luther’s work entitled The Jews & their Lies:

"I had made up my mind to write no more either about the Jews or against them. But since I learned that these miserable and accursed people do not cease to lure to themselves even us, that is, the Christians, I have published this little book (The Jews & their Lies), so that I might be found among those who opposed such poisonous activities of the Jews who warned the Christians to be on their guard against them. I would not have believed that a Christian could be duped by the Jews into taking their exile and wretchedness upon himself. However, the devil is the god of the world, and wherever God’s word is absent he has an easy task, not only with the weak but also with the strong. May God help us. Amen."

"He did not call them Abraham’s children, but a “brood of vipers” [Matt. 3:7]. Oh, that was too insulting for the noble blood and race of Israel, and they declared, “He has a demon’ [Matt 11:18]. Our Lord also calls them a “brood of vipers”; furthermore, in John 8 [:39,44] he states: “If you were Abraham’s children ye would do what Abraham did.... You are of your father the devil. It was intolerable to them to hear that they were not Abraham’s but the devil’s children, nor can they bear to hear this today."

"Therefore, the blind Jews are truly stupid fools..."

"Now just behold these miserable, blind, and senseless people ... their blindness and arrogance are as solid as an iron mountain."

"Learn from this, dear Christian, what you are doing if you permit the blind Jews to mislead you. Then the saying will truly apply, “When a blind man leads a blind man, both will fall into the pit” [cf. Luke 6:39]. You cannot learn anything from them except how to misunderstand the divine commandments..."

"Therefore be on your guard against the Jews, knowing that wherever they have their synagogues, nothing is found but a den of devils in which sheer self-glory, conceit, lies, blasphemy, and defaming of God and men are practiced most maliciously and veheming his eyes on them."

"Moreover, they are nothing but thieves and robbers who daily eat no morsel and wear no thread of clothing which they have not stolen and pilfered from us by means of their accursed usury. Thus, they live from day to day, together with wife and child, by theft and robbery, as arch thieves and robbers, in the most impenitent security."

"However, they have not acquired a perfect mastery of the art of lying; they lie so clumsily and ineptly that anyone who is just a little observant can easily detect it. But for us Christians they stand as a terrifying example of God’s wrath."

"If I had to refute all the other articles of the Jewish faith, I should be obliged to write against them as much and for as long a time as they have used for inventing their lies­­ that is, longer than two thousand years."

"...Christ and his word can hardly be recognized because of the great vermin of human ordinances. However, let this suffice for the time being on their lies against doctrine or faith."

"Did I not tell you earlier that a Jew is such a noble, precious jewel that God and all the angels dance when he farts?"

"...but then eject them forever from this country. For, as we have heard, God’s anger with them is so intense that gentle mercy will only tend to make them worse and worse, while sharp mercy will reform them but little. Therefore, in any case, away with them!"

"But what will happen even if we do burn down the Jews’ synagogues and forbid them publicly to praise God, to pray, to teach, to utter God’s name? They will still keep doing it in secret. If we know that they are doing this in secret, it is the same as if they were doing it publicly. for our knowledge of their secret doings and our toleration of them implies that they are not secret after all and thus our conscience is encumbered with it before God."

"First, that their synagogues be burned down, and that all who are able toss in sulfur and pitch; it would be good if someone could also throw in some hellfire. That would demonstrate to God our serious resolve and be evidence to all the world that it was in ignorance that we tolerated such houses, in which the Jews have reviled God, our dear Creator and Father, and his Son most shamefully up till now but that we have now given them their due reward."

This is unfortunately just the tip of the iceberg. There are many more examples of antisemitism from Martin Luther's written works.

So this is just a rant so sorry for taking up space in the feed when other's have more serious things going on. But anyway. I have been in a very low place lately, I was doing great for a while, was relatively stable, the closest I have been to "normal" in a long time. However I had a pretty bad episode a couple of weeks ago and hurt myself and did some stupid stuff. Anyway, now I am waiting to be admitted into a PHP but there is a 4 week waiting list so I am just kinda floating by as I wait. I am a stay at home Dad (I am on disability), and I feel so awful because I just kinda sit here while my 1 and a half year old runs around and I put on Ms. Rachel (if you are a parent you may know who that is) and just let him do his own thing. I love my son with every ounce of my being, he is my whole world. He and my wife keep me going, keep me alive. But I just feel like I am so inadequate as a dad. I barely have the motivation or energy to fully interact with him and be the father I really want to be. Don't get me wrong I don't neglect him, I make sure he's healthy and safe, I keep my eyes on him and when he acknowledges me I give him hugs and snuggles and kisses and he just fills my heart with joy. But I feel like I could be doing so much more to better his life, I should be sitting with him and teaching him how to speak, teaching him right from wrong, but instead I sit here on my computer listening to music and watch him run around and play with his toys because its the only thing that keeps me level and the only thing I have the mental capacity to do to get through the day before my wife gets home from work. I have no regrets being a parent even with this disorder, I just hate myself for not being more involved in his development. I know he loves me, he always runs up to me saying Dada Dada and smiles and laughs and is such a happy little dude, I just hope this program I am going to be doing will help me figure out how to regulate my emotions better so I can be more interactive and give him the best childhood he can possibly have. I want to build forts with him and run around outside and use our imaginations and go on pretend adventures. I just wish I could have the mental power to do these things and feel like a better father. And with my wife I feel like I am always dragging drama into her life. She constantly has to worry about me, hide all the knives in the house, she has to remind me how to be a human, make me shower, remind me to eat, remind me to take my meds, remind me to do things around the house etc. she is incredible and such a trooper and my savior but she deserves so much better. It's weighing heavily on me and I just feel like I am failing as a father and a husband. Anyway that is my rant thank you for listening.

TW : depression, anxiety, su¡c¡[email protected] th0ughts . . . . . . .
some info, im diagnosed with depression and anxiety and been on antidepressants for 8 months now. + i have a toxic abusive family.
ok so i just finished secondary school like two weeks ago and i was very excited abt it because school played a very big part in my depression and anxiety. the academic pressure was a lot and my depression got way more worse to the point i accidentally told my mom abt my depression. so u can say school fucked me up a lot hence why im so happy to finally leave that place.
now, i hoped that id be in a better state of mind tbh, alrdy leaving school and all. but thing is, i havent felt good lately and i just dont know why. ive been having hot cold flashes esp at night, bad insomnia again, and headaches and my shoulders and neck hurt a lot.
and when im like with my thoughts with nothing to distract me, for example when im eating alone at the dining table, i just dont feel.. good yknow? im just there, chewing my food, swallowing it, staring at nowhere in particular.
also, im feeling very exhausted lately. and i havent texted my in real life friends in some time. but i think thats ok because we arent very close anyways. and ive been texting my online friends but idk i just dont feel like me. its like i forgot how to be my usual online self. and how to text. how to be involved. honestly what the fuck.
it sucks a bit, because i expected to be happier and freer and more relaxed but im not. and i just want to get some sleep and rest yknow but no matter how many times i told the doctor that "im having terrible sleep problems" they never seem to look further into it or give me meds specially for sleep.
honestly im unable to recognise whether this is another of my usual depressive episodes or not. i do have some thoughts of k¡ling mys3lf but its not serious, they come quickly and disappear also very quickly.
this sucks and im so sorry for ranting like i just immediately typed this shit out without thinking. idk where do i rant because i usually rant with my online friend but i dont feel like my usual online self anymore its like i dont even know how to text or what to text. idk how many times ive said this but this sucks.
thank you so much for reading tho <3
tell me something nice/funny/a fun fact please? and if u have pets, tell me smthn cute abt them please? thank you bro i love you

I have a FT nanny for my 6-month old and things are generally going well - she is very loving and caring which is priority #1, engages with him constantly, keeps things tidy and follows good hygiene, etc. She also has been very open to feedback and eager to learn as this is her first infant job (though she has two grown children of her own).
The problem is that baby is not sleeping well at night, and has not been for months - and we're at the end of our rope. We've done sleep training at night (going on weeks now, with one interruption for illness) and have been told by a sleep consultant that it is probably a schedule issue since he is going to sleep independently but still waking multiple times at night.
The trouble is that the nanny has trouble with keeping track/doing the math of schedules and the attention to detail required - she isn't really oriented that way. For example, I've repeatedly told her he should eat every 2-3 hours and be awake 2.5-3 hours at a time, with the longest wake window at the end of the day- this is the 6 month best practice. I've printed sample schedules for her and a blog post to read. This morning she fed him another 5 oz bottle 1:45 after the last feeding and put him to take a nap 2 hours after waking from his first one. She casually mentioned he could sleep once again around 4:30 or 5... which, no, that would result in a 9pm bedtime!! It makes me spiral because I'm not sure any of my feedback is getting through.
I'm looking for help with how to walk the line between micromanaging (which I REALLY don't want to do... seriously, I would rather hand her the baby and not think about his schedule ever again - plus, I do want her to be able follow his cues as much as possible) and giving more direction (which I think I need to do because I am SO sleep deprived and I really think we've done everything we can at night). Any advice about strategies or ways to communicate that might be more effective? Are my expecations unreasonable? Do I need to just let go and wait it out until baby gets into more of a rhythm himself?
Advice very welcome!

Hi everyone, I will be attending drexel in the fall. I received no financial aid and will be going into $280k of debt to attend here, but I had no other choice. People around me said that community college was a viable option, but we all know that it doesn't really work and the lizard elite use it to steal our youth and waste time that could be spent getting a real education, thus keeping us poor and in the working class. Like seriously, how is it possible to teach complex subjects like history, accounting, and business calculus when students are barely paying $6k tuition? Any look at the average university tuition will make it plain as day that the materials for these advanced courses couldn't possibly be cheap. Anyway, glad to join you in the coming fall. The debt is a little concerning, but with co-op earnings (minus living costs of course) I expect to already cover about -5% of it. If anyone has struggle meal recommendations for cheap eats on the crippling debt I will undertake or even best bridges to live under please let me know.

I'm just dropping this here to add to the endless sea of complaints on the off chance anyone has a suggestion for me. But really, I just need to put it out somewhere.
80 year old family member. Fell for the third time in 10 days. Taken to their local emergency (rural) via ambulance.
I understand falls aren't immediately life threatening, but this person waited 18 hours in a hard chair, no food, no meds, no sleep other than the full day before. Family member advocate was with them constantly checking in, asking if they could eat, asking if they could take pain meds etc. Kept asking for high BP that paramedics identified to be addressed. Nothing done.
In the end they had concussion, uti, extremely high blood pressure and low salt, two fractures in their back, plus all the disorientation that comes with the age and lack of sleep/food/meds. After 18 hours they were given salt tablets. Our family member ended up giving them OTC pain medicine.
Family member had to leave briefly, and they discharged the injured senior, alone, sent them home.
We've been trying to access home care support since the first fall. This issue just keeps compounding and compounding and I fear our family member will die from lack of appropriate care. People are taking turns being with them for support. Trying everything to prevent issues and advocate for care. Getting nowhere. I sincerely believe if they had the right treatment and support the first time the subsequent falls wouldn't have happened.
I understand they're 80 but prior to this incident, excellent health and quality of life, no issues living independently with minimal additional services. I understand falls aren't viewed as serious but they can be fatal in seniors, and... 18 hours?! There was another woman there who was 96 waiting just as long. Do we just not care about seniors anymore?
We feel so helpless. Told home support is 12-18 month wait. There was a time when a senior in this condition wouldn't be sent without home support or at least...a plan.
I feel like they've doomed this person.

So this sweet boy has been at my local reptile store after his previous owner asked his friend (the store owner) to take him… He has a couple issues that I want to get some advice on as far as treatment/care goes, being that I’m considering adopting him. He definitely didn’t have the easiest shot at life and I feel like I’m enough of a carebear to give him a proper home.
He has bulbous swelling under both eyes, it looks like a growth/tumor or infection situation and I’m wondering what caused this and if it’s treatable.
He also has a tongue issue where it can’t extend, so he has to eat lettuce or low-activity feeders from a cup.
How serious is his situation? I have the means to take care of him, I just want to make sure I know the full extent of the situation. He’s in a smaller cage there and he tugs at my heartstrings every time I go in to get feeders for my panther.
Thanks for any and all advice!

TW FOR RESTRICTIVE EDS, DRUGS, SA AND SUICIDE.
this is going to be pretty long and triggering, im not expecting anyone to read the full thing but im writing this to hopefully come to terms with what has happened to me, and i feel this is the only place where i'll be accepted. 19F btw.
i've been a compulsive overeater and sugar addict my entire life, and developed BED when i was 11, mostly due to having strict healthy parents and being a badly behaved child i thought of secretly binging on sweets i bought whilst out with friends as just another rule for me to break. when i started "high school" and suddenly had easier accessibility to junk food at 14, i gained 20lbs in 4 months which led me to attempt dieting. had a pretty normal dieting phase followed by a month long disordered eating phase in which i surrounded myself with pro ana content to try "force" anorexia. this did not work and after quitting this phase i started to binge more and more.
straight after turning 16, i started my gcses and a new job and had become extremely fed up with my weight and decided to try recover from BED. this quicky led into a restrict/binge disorder, which was VERY different to my disordered phase from before as i was unable to stop. no matter how hard i tried i could not stop restricting, but i was also unable to stop binging. this carried on until i was 17 going on 18 when my disorder worsened and i became fairly sick and developed anorexia.
fast forward to autumn 2022 when i started university. i got SA'd on my first night during freshers and got spiked a few weeks after that. my parents blamed me for getting spiked and invalidated my experience of that AND the SA that happened before, and this coupled with my weed addiction, the malnutrition and depression led me to full blown BED.
i had never ever experienced anything like this before. i felt like an alien had taken over me. i used to be a crazy party girl and had control over food, but suddenly all i wanted to do was lock myself in my flat smoking and binging for days at a time. i entered a horrible cycle of binging, low res, binge drinking, drug abuse etc. i started to prioritise binging over socialising and as a result really fucked up my social life in first term of uni. i became extremely suicidal and i was so addicted to weed and couldnt stop even though it was massively contributing to my binges and depressive episodes. also got addicted to ritalin to try stop binging (did not work LOL)
in second term i managed to break out of this cycle a bit, until something happening with a guy i liked triggered another weed induced depressive binge episode. feb 2023 is when things started to seriously go downhill for me. i'd already been slipping into a coke/benzo/ket addiction but started to completely lose control over it. the binging got out of control again and i have reached more lows in the past 2 months than i ever couldve imagined, so here we go:
- binged the day before a rave and then took tons of MDMA to try lose the weight. binged again on the comedown which led to me having to call samaritans for the next few days as i was dangerously suicidal.
- binged the day before going clubbing with friends and was so insecure about how i looked and got blackout drunk so i didnt have to think about my body.
- the day after this^, my friends and i had tickets to see a garage group and i'd been looking forward to it for MONTHS. on the day of the event i was so cripplingly hungover but forced myself to go. i had a panic attack on the bus on the way there, and left my friends to go to the event whilst i wandered around the city crying and buying binge food. i then sat on the bus back alone binging instead of being at the concert. this was my biggest low at the time and for weeks after this i was dangerously suicidal.
- last saturday i was on a horrific coke comedown but made it thru the day without binging until my friend asked to smoke for her birthday, and i got really shaky and dizzy so had to eat something which triggered a binge/purge session. the day afterwards, i was so fucking done with myself and what id become i started to make serious plans to end my life. i was minutes away from making an attempt on my life and had to call the mental health rapid response team. i spent a night in hospital because i was such a risk to myself, and was discharged in the morning only because i told them i was moving home from university.
this is so fucking embarrassing to post but i need to. i have bankrupted myself by spending all my money on food and drugs. i have destroyed my relationships, my uni experience, my mental health and my body. im actively suicidal to the point where i have to withdraw from uni because i cannot keep myself safe. ive turned into a complete monster. nothing is enjoyable any more, nothing fufills me apart from binging and restricting and losing weight and drugs. and thats whats so upsetting about all of this. i still have an anorexic mind and anorexic rules. i feel like im being possessed by a demon and i know that restricting wont make this cycle end, but i dont know what else to do. binging has been with me all my life, and i KNOW that this is not just a result of restriction. when im at uni all i want to do is binge, no matter how many days ive been binging before or how full i am or broke i am all my brain wants is a temporary taste of junk food.
someone please please tell me what to do. ive completely fucked myself up. my body and brain feel completely alien to me. im addicted to drugs and im addicted to binging. but im also addicted to restricting. im ruining my life more and more each day and becoming more and more scared for myself but i cant stop what im doing. i dont want to die this young because i know the world has more to offer than this. ive seen that life can be beautiful and worth living but i cannot see anything outside these 4 walls of my dark uni room, the numbers on myfitnesspal or the pills and powders in my drawer. i have completely given up on myself.
TLDR: anorexia to BED and drug addiction is destroying every aspect of my life to the point where i cant imagine myself living for much longer.
apologies for this long post but i needed to get this out. if anyone has advice or has been in a similar position please comment or dm me, i feel so hopeless right now. ed services wouldnt give me the time of day when i was a lw anorexic and they definitely wont bat an eyelid at me now, i cant talk to my parents or friends and am just spiralling alone in my room again.

Edit: I’m realizing now that my title isn’t super grammatically correct, my apologies I’m super sleep deprived God I can’t believe I’m back here again. I swear this never ends. if you have seen my past posts i have had countless issues with my inlaws since my new baby was born 4 months ago. The issues were always sorta there, but now that the baby is here they have definitely grown to astounding proportions. I can’t go no contact with them. But we have gone pretty low contact. I have talked to them and tried to explain things from my side and help them understand my feelings, my husband has talked to them. We have been forward and set boundaries. But yet still it’s been a struggle every single time and I’m at my wits end.
Last visit fil whined and complained and shot passive aggressive comments at me cause he didn’t get to hold the baby and instead just played with her from my lap. Mil bitched and complained when they told us they would come for a visit on the weekend and and we said no (not once not twice but 3 different times) my husband works late on weekends and my LO goes to bed early so he literally gets home we eat and then go to bed and we explained that to them that we dont have the time yet she still goes and texts my husband that they will just come over “quickly” and my fil wants to install a doorbell for us? After we said no 3 times!!! Like how much more blunt do I need to be?
I swear nothing is ever good enough for them. I have been so forgiving with them and accommodating. But its never enough, no amount of visits, never enough time holding her, never enough pictures, no alone time with her. They are constantly complaining about something. I’m so exhausted and sad from this. My in-laws liked me before I had my baby and now all they see me as is the evil wife who keeps their grandchildren from them. I broke and told my husband I can’t do this anymore, I can’t do once a week visits (which they still pressure and push for more) my fil constantly whines and sulks at the end of every visit that “LO isn’t giving him enough attention and gives grandma more attention” that “grandma hogs her” or “mom held you the whole time” and says things like how that visits doesn’t count and “oh well maybe the next visit” oh also found out fil lied to us about being around someone with Covid a week before visiting with our Lo. So yeah he also lies. that’s apparently how badly he wants to see her that he’s lie about something so serious. I don’t want to see these people more than every other week. Every week I dread the visits even my husband is sad that visits feel forced, obligatory, not fun and like a custody battle. when they used to feel natural and fun. This sucks. Mil is coming this week to discuss how fil is “feeling” I guess their grandparents experience isn’t shaping up to what they wanted it to be. idk what to do I think I might just tell them be satisfied with the visits they get or we don’t visits at all

Edit: I’m realizing now that my title isn’t super grammatically correct, my apologies I’m super sleep deprived God I can’t believe I’m back here again. I swear this never ends. if you have seen my past posts i have had countless issues with my inlaws since my new baby was born 4 months ago. The issues were always sorta there, but now that the baby is here they have definitely grown to astounding proportions. I can’t go no contact with them. But we have gone pretty low contact. I have talked to them and tried to explain things from my side and help them understand my feelings, my husband has talked to them. We have been forward and set boundaries. But yet still it’s been a struggle every single time and I’m at my wits end.
Last visit fil whined and complained and shot passive aggressive comments at me cause he didn’t get to hold the baby and instead just played with her from my lap. Mil bitched and complained when they told us they would come for a visit on the weekend and and we said no (not once not twice but 3 different times) my husband works late on weekends and my LO goes to bed early so he literally gets home we eat and then go to bed and we explained that to them that we dont have the time yet she still goes and texts my husband that they will just come over “quickly” and my fil wants to install a doorbell for us? After we said no 3 times!!! Like how much more blunt do I need to be?
I swear nothing is ever good enough for them. I have been so forgiving with them and accommodating. But its never enough, no amount of visits, never enough time holding her, never enough pictures, no alone time with her. They are constantly complaining about something. I’m so exhausted and sad from this. My in-laws liked me before I had my baby and now all they see me as is the evil wife who keeps their grandchildren from them. I broke and told my husband I can’t do this anymore, I can’t do once a week visits (which they still pressure and push for more) my fil constantly whines and sulks at the end of every visit that “LO isn’t giving him enough attention and gives grandma more attention” that “grandma hogs her” or “mom held you the whole time” and says things like how that visits doesn’t count and “oh well maybe the next visit” oh also found out fil lied to us about being around someone with Covid a week before visiting with our Lo. So yeah he also lies. that’s apparently how badly he wants to see her that he’s lie about something so serious. I don’t want to see these people more than every other week. Every week I dread the visits even my husband is sad that visits feel forced, obligatory, not fun and like a custody battle. when they used to feel natural and fun. This sucks. Mil is coming this week to discuss how fil is “feeling” I guess their grandparents experience isn’t shaping up to what they wanted it to be. idk what to do I think I might just tell them be satisfied with the visits they get or we don’t visits at all

Edit: I’m realizing now that my title isn’t super grammatically correct, my apologies I’m super sleep deprived God I can’t believe I’m back here again. I swear this never ends. if you have seen my past posts i have had countless issues with my inlaws since my new baby was born 4 months ago. The issues were always sorta there, but now that the baby is here they have definitely grown to astounding proportions. I can’t go no contact with them. But we have gone pretty low contact. I have talked to them and tried to explain things from my side and help them understand my feelings, my husband has talked to them. We have been forward and set boundaries. But yet still it’s been a struggle every single time and I’m at my wits end.
Last visit fil whined and complained and shot passive aggressive comments at me cause he didn’t get to hold the baby and instead just played with her from my lap. Mil bitched and complained when they told us they would come for a visit on the weekend and and we said no (not once not twice but 3 different times) my husband works late on weekends and my LO goes to bed early so he literally gets home we eat and then go to bed and we explained that to them that we dont have the time yet she still goes and texts my husband that they will just come over “quickly” and my fil wants to install a doorbell for us? After we said no 3 times!!! Like how much more blunt do I need to be?
I swear nothing is ever good enough for them. I have been so forgiving with them and accommodating. But its never enough, no amount of visits, never enough time holding her, never enough pictures, no alone time with her. They are constantly complaining about something. I’m so exhausted and sad from this. My in-laws liked me before I had my baby and now all they see me as is the evil wife who keeps their grandchildren from them. I broke and told my husband I can’t do this anymore, I can’t do once a week visits (which they still pressure and push for more) my fil constantly whines and sulks at the end of every visit that “LO isn’t giving him enough attention and gives grandma more attention” that “grandma hogs her” or “mom held you the whole time” and says things like how that visits doesn’t count and “oh well maybe the next visit” oh also found out fil lied to us about being around someone with Covid a week before visiting with our Lo. So yeah he also lies. that’s apparently how badly he wants to see her that he’s lie about something so serious. I don’t want to see these people more than every other week. Every week I dread the visits even my husband is sad that visits feel forced, obligatory, not fun and like a custody battle. when they used to feel natural and fun. This sucks. Mil is coming this week to discuss how fil is “feeling” I guess their grandparents experience isn’t shaping up to what they wanted it to be. idk what to do I think I might just tell them be satisfied with the visits they get or we don’t visits at all

Edit: I’m realizing now that my title isn’t super grammatically correct, my apologies I’m super sleep deprived
God I can’t believe I’m back here again. I swear this never ends. if you have seen my past posts i have had countless issues with my inlaws since my new baby was born 4 months ago. The issues were always sorta there, but now that the baby is here they have definitely grown to astounding proportions. I can’t go no contact with them. But we have gone pretty low contact. I have talked to them and tried to explain things from my side and help them understand my feelings, my husband has talked to them. We have been forward and set boundaries. But yet still it’s been a struggle every single time and I’m at my wits end.
Last visit fil whined and complained and shot passive aggressive comments at me cause he didn’t get to hold the baby and instead just played with her from my lap. Mil bitched and complained when they told us they would come for a visit on the weekend and and we said no (not once not twice but 3 different times) my husband works late on weekends and my LO goes to bed early so he literally gets home we eat and then go to bed and we explained that to them that we dont have the time yet she still goes and texts my husband that they will just come over “quickly” and my fil wants to install a doorbell for us? After we said no 3 times!!! Like how much more blunt do I need to be?
I swear nothing is ever good enough for them. I have been so forgiving with them and accommodating. But its never enough, no amount of visits, never enough time holding her, never enough pictures, no alone time with her. They are constantly complaining about something. I’m so exhausted and sad from this. My in-laws liked me before I had my baby and now all they see me as is the evil wife who keeps their grandchildren from them.
I broke and told my husband I can’t do this anymore, I can’t do once a week visits (which they still pressure and push for more) my fil constantly whines and sulks at the end of every visit that “LO isn’t giving him enough attention and gives grandma more attention” that “grandma hogs her” or “mom held you the whole time” and says things like how that visits doesn’t count and “oh well maybe the next visit” oh also found out fil lied to us about being around someone with Covid a week before visiting with our Lo. So yeah he also lies. that’s apparently how badly he wants to see her that he’s lie about something so serious.
I don’t want to see these people more than every other week. Every week I dread the visits even my husband is sad that visits feel forced, obligatory, not fun and like a custody battle. when they used to feel natural and fun.
This sucks. Mil is coming this week to discuss how fil is “feeling” I guess their grandparents experience isn’t shaping up to what they wanted it to be. And fil is having a full fledge mid life crisis about it idk what to do I think I might just tell them be satisfied with the visits they get or we don’t visits at all
Edit to say I know Mil will come over and she’s just gonna cry about how they don’t see her enough and they miss her and us and they want to be involved and whatever and I’m worried my husband who is also a super sympathetic person (especially when it comes to his parents) is just gonna buckle he’s got a soft spot for his mom and he’s an only child so he’s also super worried his dad is depressed over this and he’s scared about losing a relationship. And I feel for him and for this! But I also don’t wanna compromise on my own feelings for theirs but I’m worried about the mental health of my husband as well I’m all this.

If this is in the wrong place, please let me know!
I (19 F) work at a grocery store. It sucks, but it's better than my previous job at a restaurant. I deal with really stupid and rude people at least once every day while I'm working. The other day a woman came up to me while I was manning the self checkout and told me that her receipt didn't print. That was fine, it's an easy fix. Sometimes the paper gets jammed in the printer so I walked over to check. There was nothing indicating a receipt was printed, so I look at the monitor. She still owed $1 and some change, so I told her. Her reply was "is it because of the cough drops?" Since the rest of her stuff was food and she was holding a food stamps card, I assumed this was correct so I replied yes and walked back to my station to watch the rest of the customers. She waves me back over and so I go over and see what she wants. "Why aren't cough drops covered by food stamps?" This question baffled me. I replied with a very polite and reasonable, "because they aren't food." She laughs and says "it isn't hot and it isn't cold, it's food." I couldn't tell if she was being serious, so I replied "ma'am, cough drops are medicine." She gives me a very angry "since when?" And so I offer to get my supervisor to talk to her. Before I even finish my sentence, she says "NO. No, just forget it, I don'thave the time to deal with people who don'tknow how to do their job" and angrily pays for her things and leaves. I don't consider myself angry or anything like that, but I kind of hope she eats cough drops like candy.

I'm in the middle of everything. To start of, it started from the very root of my mistake nearly 5 years ago to being stuck in a dead end job with health and mental health issues.
I am an eldest in the family and holding the responsibility of my late father to be a sole-breadwinner. My cons are i keep many things and problems to myself. I have bad relationship with my mother since my childhood, "asian style parenting", shouting and blaming me for my siblings mistakes, let me sleep outside of the house to every little mistakes i did, not letting me eat, being insulted everyday, all these started from when im in my childhood phase and it only happen to me not my siblings. Idk why my mum hate me so much.
So it started with me being too scared to visit a doctor due to an obvious symptom appeared in my body 5 years ago. I brush it off until today, living with it. And now it leads to new symptoms over the years that affects me physically to perform daily activities.
Now im working freelance and have episodes of unemployment for the past years, it gets worse during the pandemic and after. In the midst of facing this calamity, my mother insulted me EVERY SINGLE DAY at home and some days she threatened to el*minate me. Every time right after i woke up in the morning i had to face her daily insults to me for not being an example of the family throw unpleasant words to my face, ask me to leave the house, and i became extremely mentally tired to do daily task right after ended up leaving tasks behind me.
I halt up many things including online courses to upskill myself as i couldn't focus for 20 mins straight and ended up googling unbeneficial things daily or consuming entertainment.
It's hard for me to vent my problems to her and siblings as they hate me now, i wish i have the courage to tell them why im being like this.
Since that I cut ties with long-bonded friends, avoid family gathering, avoid job interviews, skip meals, afraid to meet people, wash my hands every time i touch things, inability to make a simple decision, lose focus on my goals, not enjoying watching movies anymore, serious procrastination etc.
I have things planned out on what i want to do later in life but I need a proactive advice to this, how do i start the courage and be myself again now in my mid 20s with little to no money with existing and deteriorating health issues while living with not-so good relationship with family ?
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***Sorry for the long post and bad grammar, thank you for lending me your time to read my ventilation.