Yorkie poo puppies near me

CWs: AI, DA, DV, EA
Sorry if the flair isn't correct. I wasn't really sure how to label this. It's more of a vent than anything but if someone has something that may help, we're all ears.
To cut to the chase, I miss my abuser.
It feels wrong to call him that though.
We spent around 3, almost 4 years of our lives together. He was the first person to ever know I'm part of a system. We escaped horrific abuse together. I moved across the country to be with him.
He was never intentionally abusive, I truly believe that. Anything he did to us was a result of him healing from his own trauma and reenacting those experiences on us.
We did the same thing to him. Prosecutor, protector, persecutor, protescuator, whatever term may fit the part, but they hated him. They hate everyone. It took some time for us to realize that it was everyone not just him.
However, we were incredibly abusive to him too. We said some really horrible things many times. I said some really horrible things. I'm literally disabled and made ableist remarks directed at him.
The breaking point was when he said something extremely triggering to us, and an ex-persecutor fronted, slapping him in the arm. This escalated to him pushing us around and eventually getting us in a chokehold.
I still feel like I instigated everything. I was sort of drunk at the time and wasn't thinking clearly. If anything, we were drinking way too much at the time and have since gotten a lot better about it. Had we been sober, I wonder if things would have gone differently. I never would have laid my hands on him like that.
Ever since the incident, he's only gotten so much better and profoundly fast. He was practically nobody when we broke up, but now, he's basically a locally famous DJ, makes art all day everyday, and is constantly making new friends. He started therapy and hasn't had nearly the same demeanor as he did in our relationship.
If only I had held on for a little bit longer. If only I hadn't been such a dumb drunk. Maybe now I would have gotten the chance to see him at his best. Instead, I've only gotten worse with no hope of getting better.
I used to make music. I used to draw. I used to play instruments. I used to go for bike rides that lasted several hours. Now? I can't even go to the grocery store.
How is it possible for someone who seemed to have had it so much worse than me to be doing so much better now that I'm out of the picture? It truly reinforces the reasoning that I have no friends. I just hold people back from success. It has been 4 years since I lost my very last friend. My last real life connection to the world. Now I have no one. I just escape into my brain and talk to my headmates. We're all losing our minds in here.
All I want is to apologize to him. I hurt him so badly, and now karma has come to take my soul. I want to live. I want to enjoy life. I want friends. Why is it so easy for him but so impossible for me?
I miss him so much. Life is so boring without him. He was the ONLY person I could relate to on anything. He was the ONLY person who we both just understood. Now I have no one. I have nothing.
It's been 6 months, half a year, what am I supposed to do?

Is it me, or dating is becoming harder and harder? :/
Anyway, hi! I'm Raphaël, a French single dad living near Paris with my 8 years old son. It's been just us two for a while now, and the dating scene have been pretty rough on me, so I though I'd try it out here!
A little about me :

• Funny guy, always something to joke or be silly about
• Addicted to chess, plants, and aquariums
• Kind of a nerd, with star wars tattoos for instance, way to much knowledge on geeky stuff, and enjoying a good videogame / TV shows or movie.
• Apparently I have quite a sexy voice with my French accent, I get alot of compliments about it so yeah haha
• Relatively tall, bearded, here's a pic of me since I know physical attraction is important : https://imgur.com/a/ZfHKeh0

Anyway if you're interested in chatting feel free to contact me, maybe mention your age location, and add a picture so we can get the conversation going? :) I'm looking for a relationship based on trust and respect, pretty classic you might say. I'm also looking for someone that agrees to relocate, as being a single dad makes it hard to move around the globe. It's not for tomorrow of course but it's important enough to mention it. I'd be more than happy to help with the move as it's scary and expensive, money being not a problem for me!
So yeah, see you soon I hope :)

Is it me, or dating is becoming harder and harder? :/
Anyway, hi! I'm Raphaël, a French single dad living near Paris with my 8 years old son. It's been just us two for a while now, and the dating scene have been pretty rough on me, so I though I'd try it out here!
A little about me :

• Funny guy, always something to joke or be silly about
• Addicted to chess, plants, and aquariums
• Kind of a nerd, with star wars tattoos for instance, way to much knowledge on geeky stuff, and enjoying a good videogame / TV shows or movie.
• Apparently I have quite a sexy voice with my French accent, I get alot of compliments about it so yeah haha
• Relatively tall, bearded, here's a pic of me since I know physical attraction is important : https://imgur.com/a/ZfHKeh0

Anyway if you're interested in chatting feel free to contact me, maybe mention your age location, and add a picture so we can get the conversation going? :) I'm looking for a relationship based on trust and respect, pretty classic you might say. I'm also looking for someone that agrees to relocate, as being a single dad makes it hard to move around the globe. It's not for tomorrow of course but it's important enough to mention it. I'd be more than happy to help with the move as it's scary and expensive, money being not a problem for me!
So yeah, see you soon I hope :)

So, I will go into the rounds first
Round 9 : (King Leonidas) vs Apollo - Greece vs Greece

• There's no foreshadowing or something, so I'll just guess it's a win for King Leonidas

Round 10 : Simo Hayha vs (Loki) - The Man Who Never Missed vs The God Of Mischief

• This seems like an interesting fight
• The fight will be playing cat & mouse until one can touch another and end the match
• Loki is gonna win the match, for his ability & for the plot to go on

Round 11 : (Okita Soji) vs Susanoo - Sword Fight

• Different from what people expect, Okita will fight against Susanoo which is a more suitable opponent for him. Rather than Loki
• Okita will win the match with his special ability from his left eye
• He will have a fight with Loki outside of the tournament

Round 12 : Rasputin vs (Anubis) - The Immortal Man vs The God of Life And Death

• This is the most suitable, and possible canon fight as I thought. The match between 2 immortals, this is gonna be the longest match in the series
• I guess Rasputin's power comes from the fact he nearly died many times. With Brunhilde as his volund, humanity seems to have this in hand
• But so, that is not enough to win against Anubis
• Brunhilde is going to fade away for Goll's character development

Last Round : Nostradamus vs Odin

• As foreshadowed, when mentioned Nostradamus break the Bifrost gate. We know that's related to Norse mythology, and only one god left from there is Odin
• Goll will be the last volund, because Brunhilde just couldn't watch her youngest sister dies in front of her. And as Goll & Nostradamus have interacted before
• The last match is going to be crazy, could lead to event that can cause effect worse than Ragnarok. Siegfried's freedom from prison might add up to Odin's madness

** The aftermath ** This part is totally my imagination **
While the last round is being played out, Siegfried is back and comes to the arena. Which shock Odin to the core, and also the demons from Tartarus hell is chasing after Siegfried too. The tournament is a mess right now. Gods and human take no chance and start attacking each other, and this is where Loki fight Okita
( And something special happens here : like the truth about Odin or Zeus is exposed, or something like that. I'll let the author think for me at this part )
Then Ares shall come and become the new leader of the gods, alongside with Jack, both of whom were moved by Hercules's word. Have the best speech ever about how human is still worth living. Then there are peace for a thousand years more

So let's start of by saying I'm a 16 year old guy and this happend about a year ago. I have always felt connected to spirits and the world around them, not only this but my mother also has it a little (I feel and experience more than she does).
Anyway one day when we were out camping with friends and family I could tell something was up with my mother. At first I thought she was just being moody. After a while she just kind of zoned out and stopped chiming in on the conversation, this made me a little concerned as she always loves having a good chat. At one point she was standing next to the river by herself and I decided I would go and talk to her. I asked her if she was ok and she replied with yes. I asked if she was sure and that's when she looks at me and says to not tell my father if she told me.
Let me also say my father doesn't really believe in spirits and stuff so me and mum usually don't bother talking about it to him.
Anyway I said ok and next thing she says to me is that there's a spirit in their room. All of a sudden an image pops into my head of an old man who was about 60-70 years old standing in a corner of my parents room, I could see him well and all his features were very visable. I asked my mum if that's what she felt and she said yes. This creeped me out more than usual because I wasn't even near the spirit but I still felt it. After our conversation mum was back to normal and happy again. However I couldn't shake the feeling of it.
We stayed camping for another couple of days and we were all good. However when we got back I asked mum if she could still feel it, she said no. I was a bit worried. The reason was because I could still feel it but it wasn't in their room anymore. He was in my room. I didn't tell my mother though cause she wouldn't believe me as she couldn't feel it anymore.
Later that night when I went to bed I could see him just standing at the end of my bed, just looking. He had no expressions nothing he was just staring. I ignored it as I have seen many of ghost in my life. The next day when I woke up though he was gone. I couldn't feel him anywhere in the house and I haven't seen or felt him since.
If anyone knows why I could still feel him like 500 km away from my house let me know. Also let me know why he moved to me and blocked my mother from sensing him...

I attended both nights at Budapest. They were really killer. First night was sold out and really tightly crowded. Another thing to mention, Attila Csihar from Mayhem came out during Walk and shouted the chorus. What a nice treat to us! I didn't know they are friends with Phil, as he mentioned sometime in the concert.
The 2nd night was more, to that one I went and partyed with my friends near the stage. It was more brutal than the first one. The setlist changed a little bit, they played Use My Third Arm instead of Yesterday don't Mean Shit! When the show ended, they were about to took the things from the stage and Phil didn't sing Starway to heaven yet, the crowd REALLY FUCKING LOUDLY started chanting "WE WANT MORE!" and after few minutes, the band decided to Yesterday Don't Mean shit! So we've got an extra encore! How badass is this! As I saw Phil's face, he was so grateful, impressed and humbled and almost in tears. He really liked the crowd's reaction.
Also something other stuff from the concert: I've read some comments on FB (various rockmagazines articles) and saw one boy who said the secruity didn't let his gf in a confederate flag t-shirt, because the band don't allow it on their shows. Also noticed the band is really strict about no politics on their concerts, like they banned confederate flag, and also some ukrainians near me started to fly the Ukraine flag before the show started and one security guy took it from them and only gave them back after the show.

Personally, I'm a big fan of both the Yakuza and Judgment series and had high expectations for this "remake", almost none of which were met. In my opinion the game still feels like 2014 Yakuza in all the wrong ways: the controls are clunky, combat feels aged and nowhere near the level of modern RGG games, same with the jarring lack of certain QoL features after they had noticeably improved on that front over the last few years. Balancing seemed extremely weird and all over the place to me, even on Easy difficulty.
I would've been able to forgive much of that if the story had been amazing, which was a sentiment I'd often seen about the original Ishin. But I can't agree with that at all either, I think it is one of the "worst" (as in, least interesting) stories in the entire series. The mystery and plot twists hardly managed to grab me at all and I think a big part of that is because of the absurd character recycling. In my opinion taking characters out of every other mainline Yakuza game with nearly identical personality / behaviour and just giving them a different name did not work in the slightest. I didn't feel a connection to any of these people, because they weren't them; they were still Kuze, Date, Majima, Akiyama, etc. in my mind. And how could they not be, I've known some of these iconic characters for six or seven games, you can't just act like they're someone else all of a sudden and expect to tell a proper story that way.
Overall I'd rank Ishin as my second least favorite Yakuza / RGG title just above Yakuza 3. And the only reason for that to be honest is that many of the substories and a few of the friendship stories were excellent. Even after three months I'm still sorely disappointed, but also curious to see if I'm in the minority for disliking it so much.

So I’ve noticed this in a lot of drag race episodes. When they show confessionals in the beginning of a lip sync or near it and a girl has red eyes you immediately get spoiled about the results of the lip sync. It’s really sad but it also kind of ruins the tension for me

Pretty much depressed on a daily basis… having to do nearly ALL the housework on my own as well…
Living with my boyfriends family was the worst decision I made. I have no family so it’s not like I can go back to anyone. No friends in this state. It’s awful I get 0 privacy even when I go to take a piss and am constantly being gossiped about for the past couple of days. I’ve tried helping out even more than I already do and I am getting chest pain and anxiety for the past couple days. I am planning on purchasing my moms car ($1000) and learning to drive again so I can live on my own. I feel like no matter how much my boyfriend has tried to stand up for me he’s just given up and ignores it until it becomes more of a problem. Did I mention his mom hates me? She says one thing behind my back and another to my face. Overall, I plan to have him teach me to drive so I can leave and move to a shared space cause I legit have no one else. I plan to see a therapist as well. He cleans maybe one room if he’s not too busy on his computer and I clean two. I don’t really care I feel like my kindness is being taken advantage of (even if they do nice things for me the fact still remains his mom said she didn’t care if I killed myself at one point and continues to be rude to me despite the fact that I am trying to do more and not be rude back like I did one time out of all the times she’s emotionally abused me). She has rooted through the bathroom trash can and taken out a pregnancy test I took. Listens in on me weighing myself and comments on it when I have an ED. (I literally just want privacy). Ive had to check to make sure they didn’t put any hidden cameras in there. It’s like okay I live in her house but damn even my own mom never did that shit to me. I’ve offered rent money too at one point ($100 a month). A free place to stay is not worth me being depressed because then I end up spending the money on therapy and medication anyways. I’m going to end up in debt soon anyways so it’s what it is. I’m genuinely considering suicide if I can’t get out soon it feels like my only option to end the abuse once and for all.
I know this would be better posted on relationship_advice but they won’t let me post there now

Well, fucked up situation. Got bullied throughout my school life, causing me to be very vary to trust people. My parents then had a ridiculously messy divorce with my father stalking us and trying to break us financially and emotionally. Since then my mother is living at my tiny two room apartment because she naturally couldn't afford to keep their house and is by now driven only by fear of dying alone and financial hardship, has nobody else but me to rely on and explodes the moment I even vaguely hint that I feel stunted in my growth, accusing me of unfairly blaming her for my mental health trouble. I have long given up to argue against her plan for me to save money to buy a house with an accessory apartment for her to live in since it actually is the most financially sound thing to do, even though I feel extremely miserable about her constant presence in my life and my utter lack of privacy.
In any case, due to all that I never had any friends at school, developed quite a number of anxieties during my university time and now at work it really hasn't gotten much better. At university I always felt like a "social ghost", only able to attach myself to existing groups of people, but immediately getting forgotten and all contact dying down the moment I wasn't physically present, with my attempts to stay in touch being very one-sided and proving ultimately pointless. Now at my job my coworkers only talk about traveling or their kids or sports, all things I cannot in any way relate to as I never traveled, never even hugged another person and get extreme trauma flashbacks at sports (both because the bullying was the worst in changing rooms and my father saw himself as a failed professional soccer player who never let me forget how much of a failure I am for not realizing his dreams and be good at sports). Therefore I can't connect with any of them as all my interests (picking apart stories, history, cosplay, just generally all kind of nerd-stuff) must seem incredibly childish to them and in the rare instances where I find a topic of shared interest, I fear I keep droning on about it as a fall back point because I have really nothing else to say that won't bore them to tears and causes them to just walk away mid-conversation. So whenever the rare opportunity arouse where I got invited to something, the voice in the back of my head drowns me in doubts that I really don't belong there, my flight reflexes kick into high gear and I just walk away in a hurry.
But there is not only bad things going on. I am working on myself. Or at least trying to. On a forum I made two very close friends from other countries (and yes, I have started to call them that after many, many years, even though it took me quite the effort to overcome my reluctance) with whom I was watching shows together and analyzing them. Unfortunately for the last few years both of them have started dealing with... rather extreme lovesickness. One pining for a married coworker, obsessively worrying what he thinks of her and cutting most of her contact with me because I couldn't understand why she won't try anything to avoid him and swallow her feelings, the other dealing with extreme anxious attachment style relationships where she's sending me dozens of messages every night worrying endlessly about why he didn't like her instagram stories or whether him getting a new follower means he's having another girl... So in short with both of them I avoid talking about my loneliness to avoid triggering them and they don't want to talk about anything other than their issues and it makes me feel quite helpless as this has been going on for years and no amount of help of mine seems to amount to anything. Therefore I am back to wallowing in my own loneliness. In the midst of all that I've also been trying online-dating out of a panic about my nearing 30th birthday and the feeling that I've missed out on all the experiences people of my age regard as normal, but the utter silence and instant unmatches were just a massive blow to my self-esteem and nothing came out of it.
Then I've been trying to pick up new hobbies that allow me to go out more and hopefully disengage from my mother constantly hovering around me, join Discords for these hobbies hoping to engage with like-minded people, work out more, these weeks started with mindfulness exercises and tried an exercise to smile or at least do casual kinda half-greeting-like grimaces at strangers in order to look more approachable. The latter has been oddly exhilarating since I wasn't quite met with the immense hostility that I expected after I had been told repeatedly during my school time that my smile looks ugly or got yelled "What's so funny?" at me and also had acquaintances pretend like they don't know me when I greeted them.
However... all of my hobbies are relatively solitary affairs specifically because I always had to deal with having nobody to do anything with. I'm avoiding any activities in these Discords because I have massive anxiety about voice chats because of my mother constantly hovering around me. Then when I recently attempted to say yes to everything and agreed to join a group from a forum that invited me to their multiplayer PvP game group, it caused me immense anxiety and in the end after months of forcing myself pushing through endless defeats I finally gave up, dropped out of the group and with it cut most of my contact with them. Not to mention that my work causes me to work a lot both in the week and on the weekends, so in addition to having to always be available to do chores for my mother, I am rarely free to plan for anything and can't regularly attend anything. All this stuff feels like one step forward, two steps backwards and even though I... kind of feel like I am doing something to improve myself, in the end it doesn't change that I have absolutely nobody close that I can trust and have no lifelines to meet other people through. Every week, mostly on the weekends, I get hit with a suffocating wave of loneliness that I can do absolutely nothing about and it's driving me up the walls.

Me and my neighbor had a sleepless night so there a park near by, we did a few laps and sat on the swings. Church came up and we talked about all the times we were made to sing in front of the congregation. Then we started singing I am a child of God for kicks then we saw a couple passing by that we didn't see before and stopped signing.
Then I say,"we've gone off the deep end, they probably think we're children of the corn." Couldn't stop laughing on our walk home 🤣
Good morning yall 💖

Past couple days have been emotional and mental torture, being thrown around every which way by my soon (now?) ex uBPD partner. But one thing that nearly made me laugh in the middle of one of her rants was that she said, "Your therapy must not be working because you're leaving me."
I didn't say but have been thinking often in my mind (when I'm not sinking with guilt and despair and trying to hold myself from going back) is that the fact that I'm leaving is proof that the therapy is working!
(T -1 day, wish me luck that I actually get on my plane)

Nothing really to discuss here apart from his consistent insistent inability to mark the ball in any game; big body, never really impacts the contest and seems to be on skates near the ball.
edit: i love jack as a player but i feel he has never lived up to what he could be as a player and i hope he proves me wrong

My mom had a bad marriage that lasted 7 years and then after splitting a ton of shit happened that was mostly questionable adults being questionable adults and a lot of denial, anger, and deceit. By the end of it all my moms ex husband was in jail, because of some accusations from my sister AND some other girls in a different county that we used to live in. My step brother from that failure of a relationship is still close to me and now I reside in his and his wife’s house. They are not logical people, he’s kind of a sociopath but for the most part there is no danger and I prefer there not be any tension, because he can and will hurt someone if the reason is near and dear enough to him. He’s not menacing, or some kind of crazy thug, I know him as someone who I’ve grown up with and who is pretty much there for me when I’ve needed it. Now my sister who accused my step brothers dad of SA, has had no desire to pursue anything out of this she had no interest in keeping charges pressed against him, the state however have basically said “not your choice we have decided to pursue litigation on your behalf and you have to show up or risk going to jail yourself” so now I’ve been subpoenaed I’m assuming for character related things because I never seriously witnessed anything MAJOR however we had all had our suspicions… the ones calling on me to testify is not the state of FL but rather his legal team, they also had me do a deposition some months back. It’s an extremely uncomfortable situation because I know he and his family would expect me to outright deny my sisters claims and call her out to be a manipulative liar capable of ruining a grown man’s life while she’s just a child…. But the thing is he’s ALWAYS carried accusations of being suggestive or downright dirty regardless of age. I am certain my sister isn’t lying about every detail or at least not any of it happening, while I’m sure there are some claims from her original statement that could be refuted today. But if I go to court and I don’t behave the way his family would expect I risk my belongings being destroyed, me or my pets being harmed, or even my mother being harassed as a result. I’m not gonna just go to court and be like “yeah nah my sister is a liar, nobody ever thought anything, nobody ever saw anything” especially considering it was revealed to me by someone incredibly close to him that they walked in in the middle of something between the two parties. She could not or never have consented legally as she was a minor so even trying to make it sound consensual for them is impossible the only thing they could hope for is complete and utter denial of any suspicion or observations. Can I do anything? Like there is most definitely fear about what this could lead to for my family and for my life, this guy isn’t a well adjusted guy he has some incredibly erratic moments and his behaviomood can change with simple things being the triggers. I really don’t want to get involved with the legal proceedings or anything else for that matter, much like my sisters same feeling I just wish this shit could go away

Hi everyone, i have a question and any advice or thoughts will be helpful. i was diagnosed with chiari, scoliosis and syrinx around 2016/17. I’m going to try and keep this short.
Bit of a back story:
When I was diagnosed with each obviously I had questions and one of them was “can I go on a airplane” before this i’d never been abroad or anything so I had never been on one. But I’ve always wanted to go to my dream destination. The doctors said it would be fine just take precautions and stuff.
Anyway here’s my situation I visit family a few times a year (they live in the same country) and my family members live near the sea, there house is on a big hill (like the road wraps around the hill bc it’s a big climb to the top) so this means we always go up in the car. (Sorry it’s really difficult to explain where about they live) Anyway everytime we reach a certain point on the hill, my ears pop everytime and also happens on the way down. I have had nose bleeds happen in the past aswell whilst going up the hill. (I don’t know if it’s pressure, this is the only explanation I can think of bc my family in the same car are fine)
My question is if this happens just by this, I’m thinking if this happens when the hill is no where near as high as the airplane goes. What would happen on the airplane? Is it going to be safe?. Is it worth the risk? I’m so torn on what to do or think if we ever go abroad. Even so if we do I could always go on a ferry/boat.
But I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar?
(disclaimer this may be due to other conditions or something unrelated but I’m wondering if anyone on here could give me advice if it’s due to my chiari)

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Hey everyone I could really use some help!
So I recently started fostering some kittens (two 6 weeks olds 🤩) and from the moment I got them, one of them in particular totally imprinted on me. She was completely lovey, always wanting to be held, following me everywhere, snuggling me, sleeping on me at night, etc., overall just very strongly attached.
Recently, I had to start treating her for a URI that she got at the humane society and her energy has returned to normal. However, I’ve noticed in the last few days she no longer likes to be held, and while her “safe spot” used to be on my shoulders—she used to even balance on my shoulders when I’d walk around, now she tries to jump off almost as soon she gets up there. I’ve also noticed she’s no longer naps on/ near me and even started napping under the bed and more out of sight in the last few days. As her energy returns to normal, she is always playing with the other kitten and I’m sure that has something to do with it.
I would typically attribute this to URI and feeling better, but even before the symptoms of the URI she was super playful and attached to me.
of course realize this may sound ridiculous, but I was about 99% sure I was going to adopt her and as her foster stay is nearing its end, I don’t want to make a bad decision in either direction.
These are my first foster kittens so truly doing my best to make sure they’re happy and enriched but am I just being ridiculous?
Any input is appreciated 😩

Hey everyone I could really use some help!
So I recently started fostering some kittens (two 6 weeks olds 🤩) and from the moment I got them, one of them in particular totally imprinted on me. She was completely lovey, always wanting to be held, following me everywhere, snuggling me, sleeping on me at night, etc., overall just very strongly attached.
Recently, I had to start treating her for a URI that she got at the humane society and her energy has returned to normal. However, I’ve noticed in the last few days she no longer likes to be held, and while her “safe spot” used to be on my shoulders—she used to even balance on my shoulders when I’d walk around, now she tries to jump off almost as soon she gets up there. I’ve also noticed she’s no longer naps on/ near me and even started napping under the bed and more out of sight in the last few days. As her energy returns to normal, she is always playing with the other kitten and I’m sure that has something to do with it.
I would typically attribute this to URI and feeling better, but even before the symptoms of the URI she was super playful and attached to me.
of course realize this may sound ridiculous, but I was about 99% sure I was going to adopt her and as her foster stay is nearing its end, I don’t want to make a bad decision in either direction.
These are my first foster kittens so truly doing my best to make sure they’re happy and enriched but am I just being ridiculous?
Any input is appreciated 😩

I slept in today, well I woke up early at around 6:30am because pup woke up and wanted to be let out of my room but then I went back to sleep. I was just so comfy and cosy in bed so I stayed til just before 10, though I wasn’t really asleep after 9, I was scrolling through auction catalogues for Webbs and whatnot. And then I did get up and I made some breakfast, I had peanut butter on toast because I don’t ever buy peanut butter at home so it’s nice to sometimes have it. And I also had a coffee. I’ll have to go out the back of the garden and see if there are any feijoas on the tree as I think I’d fancy some while I’m here. It’s very cool and crisp and sunny today. I forgot to bring any sunscreen so I’m a bit stressed about that and mum only has some but it’s kind of stingy on my skin so idk. I’ll just loiter in the shade like a wee lil vampire today and try find something at a chemist tomorrow. I find it odd that people find it odd that I wear SPF every single day, even not leaving the house. Like the sun is deadly, especially in this country, so mock me all you want for prioritising SPF and shade and all that but I don’t care. I’m taking care of my health and my skin. I hope when I’m sixty my skin will still be soft and supple and less wrinkled and then all the people that mocked me will be leather sun spotted lizards. No I don’t hope for that at all, not the latter part anyway, that’s just mean. I’m absolutely not a sun worshipper, I like to get some sun because you need it and it feels nice for short periods of time, but I don’t bask in it and never have. I don’t like it and it stresses me out a lot as I just think about my skin cells turning rancid and cancerous and the skin damage occurring. If you want to age well, you wear SPF and avoid the sun for the most part. But so anyway, quite a slow morning and it’s nice.
Mums godmother or cousin, I never know which, is coming around for tea today and I have noticed a marked difference in how I feel about someone coming over and a surprise social thing happening. To be fair I did know last night and started to feel anxious and I was planning out all the usual things like where I’ll sit or stand when she arrives and how I’ll say hello and what I should do and how I should behave and say and so on, but it was much much less than usual and today I didn’t have my irritable anxiety thing where I get snappy because I’m going so berserk internally and idk I just do. I don’t like it and it’s not fair on those around me, close people anyway, I’d only snap at people like my parents and I guess Andy. I don’t snap at anyone else but I’m more myself with the other three, I feel safer I guess with those three? I don’t know. It’s not fair that I snap anyway, not at all fair. But so I reacted so much better today, I was still on edge and I was still far from relaxed but I felt… better. And it was noticeable to me. And as I write this now I’m properly realising how different I would have felt a year ago and it’s making me cry as I write this. Sometimes (often) I feel afraid that I’ll never change and better myself, I feel like I’m so stagnant in my progress at times and I feel like such a disappointment to myself and to Andy and to everyone else for how slow my progress is and I don’t know, just this feeling of noticing a change in myself makes me feel so overwhelmed and it’s making me cry more and it’s just I’m finding this whole process so hard. It’s challenging and it’s painful and I feel so defeated so much of the time but right now I feel so proud of myself. I know it isn’t enough change and I know I have so so much to go, but I just wanted to journal about this because it felt like a win and I don’t feel like I get many of those.
Anyway she arrived and she’s so lovely albeit a bit doddery and she got lost so dad drove around to find her and pick her up and mum walked her home as she’s house sitting nearby, she’s from down south I think. She kept looking at me and saying I look like mum then later say I looked like dad and so on. She said she remembers how shy I used to be and i was saying how that is still the case and she said that’s absolutely not a bad way to be and it made me feel nice. She’s really nice.
I took puppy for a walk today and he got very muddy so I had to hose him down outside and wrap him up in towels and he’s so wriggly and so cute. We really are so so so lucky to have this darling wee chap in our family.
How on earth could anyone cheat on Natalie Portman? NATALIE PORTMAN? Incredibly beautiful, crazy talented, I bet she’s lovely and I’m fairly certain she’s ridiculously smart too. Imagine landing a wife like that, mother of your children, and cheating on her. This is why I feel as though it’s inevitable I’ll be cheated on and I won’t ever be enough, because if someone like Natalie Portman isn’t considered enough, how on earth could I ever be considered as such? Her husband is such an f’ing idiot and rotten human being. Anyone who cheats on their partner is. If Andy ever cheats on me when we’re together I will actually gouge his eyeballs out and mash them with a potato masher. I obviously won’t do that. Gross. Gross. Also ouch. I feel mean even suggesting I would do that? I’ll never do that. Ever. I will leave his pretty eyes alone. I might scratch the bench top in his kitchen badly or scuff up the floorboards somewhere so he couldn’t get his deposit back or something though. You know what would be cruel? Mixing all his expensive fragrances up or adding some drops of vinegar to them or something. That’s pure evil, isn’t it? I wouldn’t do that. OR WOULD I? But no I wouldn’t. Unless he cheated on me with my best friend or something but that’s unlikely given I would need a best friend for that to happen. Anyway I’ll top being some maniacal evil genius now. He wouldn’t ever cheat on me. He would never. I’m so deathly afraid of it and I feel like it will happen but equally I cannot imagine him being that kind of man. Anyway. Shush. These thoughts are not helping me in any way - do I have a purpose for these thoughts? Is this me trying to make myself feel bad? Its time to move on from these thoughts.

So I've completed both of Mensa admission tests and got the following: FRT-A 30/35 131 IQ RAPM Set 2 Timed 40 min 32/36 135+ IQ But! On each of those I kinda guessed last 4 questions which got me +1 raw score. Is it ok and assumed by test makers? Can I safely say that my IQ is in the gifted range (130+) but probably less than 140?
Also completed these (But I'm a non-native so it's probably deflated a bit) : Old SAT: V470 Q 690 IQ 124 Old GRE: V 480 Q 750 A 630 IQ 128 Old GMAT 700/800 (maybe near 130IQ?)

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